he's confused so he's confusing me; outside opinion needed please!

[maddylou.]

so in aug 2007 i met this boy. we fell in love over the course of 6 months. he told me he didnt want a girlfriend because he was planning on leaving on a mission shortly. we kissed, and hung out basically everyday and sometimes had sleepovers. (: he was amazing. in october i told him that if he was gonna go on a mission that i wanted to be his girlfriend and wait for him because i was falling in love with him. he again told me that he wasnt ready for the commitment. on january 1, 2008.. we were texting as we were 2 hours away from each other, and i told him i needed to date other people becuase i was getting too attached to someone who wasnt serious about me. at this point i had told him i loved him, and he said he wasnt sure if he loved me or not. i accepted this becuase i only wanted him to tell me that if he truly meant it. anyway, when i told him we needed to take some time apart and i was going to date other people.. he freaked. then his phone died. he ended up calling me the next afternoon and after talking for about 45 mins, he asked me to be with him. (: a few weeks later he told me that he loved me.

we had the most amazing relationship for 10 months.. 3 of which he lived out of state and we only saw each other once. we were both faithful completely. in about.. the beginning of sept we started to fight quite a bit over everything from me feeling like he always wanted to be with his friends.. to him being pissy over nothing and taking it out on me. the weekend before halloween he broke it off.. ): i was devastated. his reasons were that we fought too much, i went to other people for my issues instead of him and some other random irrevelant things. but since us breaking up hes decided he wants to be single. we have still hung out, made out and done other sexual things.. ): im not too happy with myself for that. but he says he still loves me, he tells me everyday. and he just says he doesnt want a relationship and he wants to be friends and work on that before we talk about getting back togher.. hes told me on several occasions now that he feels we have a closer friendship.

i want to wait for him on his mission when he leaves in about april but i told him if we're not together i wont waste my time.

ive never loved anyone before.. and i want to be with him for the rest of my life. what do i do?

 

thanks for your help in advance and i appreciate your honesty and suggestions.

(:

[anonimo]

I think you should try to be careful. It seems like you are much more sure of what you want concerning the relationship. He sounds a little bit wishy washy. Communication is key. Just keep talking to him with honesty.

[maddylou.]

yah.. that is what i am trying to do.

but its so hard. its been 3 months since we broke up and im still not sure what to do. im afraid of moving on cuz he said hes trying to figure things out right now.. and honestly i dont wanna be with anyone else )':

[Bella Jordan]

i'm in a very similar situation myself. my fiance and i met just 3 short months ago. at the time, he was already committed to moving to LA for his career (he's an actor), and he asked me to move there with him. i told him that i needed to figure out exactly what i wanted to do about my career (i.e., go back to grad school or start over entirely) before i made any definite decisions. 2 weeks ago, he panicked, said he didn't know what we were doin,g b/c of our different career paths, and said we should break up for now. he called the very next day and, within a week, he had changed his mind. unfortunately, we got into a pretty big fight friday a week ago (the short version is that i saw him in a bar, misread a situation and blew EVERYTHING out of proportion), and now he is saying that he needs time with no contact to "get over this." i don't know if he means he needs to get over our argument and what i said/did to him, or if he means the relationship/engagement. i'm so confused!! but like you, i know that i'm in love with him and that he's the man i want to spend the rest of my life with. it's been 5 days with NC and i'm having a really hard time.

[maddylou.]

AHHHH! this species known as males confuse the hell outta me! ha i wanna rip all my hair out. (but then id be fugly and hed never want me back ha) well.. ive dont that a few times for sure.. read a text message or saw him with someone and misread the situation but what he doesnt get when he gets mad at me for that is that hes the one whos caused me to be suspicious, that and my fault would be that i am a mildly jealous person.. (; ha he either needs to be with me or not and i hate not being strong enough to just quit talking to him and make him decide!!!!! gah.

[Bella Jordan]

I know, right!? I mean, we'd just broken up a week ago when all this happened...and then a few days prior, we'd decided that we'd just slow things down. I mean, HE was the one that was calling and texting me the day after he broke up with me - not vice versa. So yeah, I overreacted at the bar (I'd been drinking - not that that removes my responsibility, but I certainly said and did things I otherwise would not have), and yet he makes it seem as though I cheated on him or physically attacked him or worse. I just don't get it. I know that he was fully committed to going to LA when we met, and I know that I threw a wrench into his plan when I came on the scene. Neither of us was planning this, and we've both been very straightforward about our careers coming first. The thing is, I KNOW he still loves me...and he told me that before our argument, he'd been thinking that us spending less time together/splitting up was the wrong thing to do. I'm trying to respect his wish for NC and have held to it for the past 5 days, but it's such a struggle. Like you said: he either needs to be with me or not. I just need answers and a course of action, I guess.

[maddylou.]

well.. my advice to that is where being a girl comes in handy ha you need to be sneakyyyyy. make him think the whole nc thing is him pushing you away.. act like your moving on. its the best way i can think of to put him in a panic mode so he'll act INSTEAD of tossing around the whole "i love you but i dont" BS. this has worked for me.. p.s like a mofo charm. once he thinks your fed up, and dont want him he'll either realize what hes about to lose (guys tend to want what they think they cant have) or he wont care.. and then *poof* your answer.

 

i hope you get the one you want..

[maddylou.]

annddd... for the record. he is the one sending all the confusing signals.. and who does he blame?!!! if you guessed himself.. you're soooo WRONG. ha he blames me of course. cuz "im the one who wants to get back together" well, i want an answer of whether to move on or not even more.

 

oh and it gets better.. when i asked him if he thought we'd ever get back together this was almost a DIRECT quote,

him id like to for sure when i get back from my mission [in 2 EFFING years -me]"

me if im dating someone else? or engaged?(i wouldnt be married by the time he gets back i refuse to be married this young i cant just drop a relationship or commitment like that.."

him we'll find each other and start new... if you really wanna be with me still and its meant to be you'll dump whoever your with."

 

 

OOOOO the nerve.

[Bella Jordan]

Oh, so he wants everything all on HIS terms?? Pssh. I think not. He's insane if he thinks you're just going to sit on your hands for 2 years and wait for him to maybe be with you. And this is the same thing I've run into with Caleb - I told him that I knew he was planning on moving to LA when I met him and that I'd never to anything to stand in his way (I DO want him to be happy and successful, b/c that's what you want for the person that you love after all).

 

As for your suggestions re: the NC, do you think it's too soon for me to seem as though I'm moving on? He initiated the NC 5 days ago, and the argument took place last Friday week...so on the one hand, I don't want to run the risk of him considering taking me back - as he has been doing I've been told - by making him think that I'm unphased and have moved on so easily. Interestingly enough, when we first spoke the day after her argument, he mentioned that he'd found out that after we'd argued, I ended up standing outside by my car "macking on some guy." (Sidenote: the guy is a friend from my high school days who I haven't seen in 8 years. And he heard about us talking from a girl who has been trying to get with him (Caleb) the entire time we were together. B!@#$ !!!) But I think you're right - I think he does and will want what he can't have...especially since, when I told him we were done, he made a point to contact me shortly thereafter to ask for time w/ NC.

[maddylou.]

yah.. since it is so soon after id definitely recommend not acting like your with someone.. but shopping around wont hurt (: ha with cole i use boys names and just say we're hanging out.. im very vague on details cuz it drives him crazy. and i never use any names of people he knows.. it loses the mystery.

and yes he wants it on his terms. thats why i told him if we're not together when he leaves then i wont.

if i was his girlfriend when he left and he asked me to wait for him then i would have no problem with that.. i love him. i want to marry him when the time is right.. and i literally have no interest in other guys.

the other guys i have made out/ hung out with i am not interested in at all.. they are simply a distraction to help me get my mind off of texting/ calling/ asking cole to hang out. ):

[maddylou.]

oh yah.. and he came up the day before new years eve cuz we had plans for new years with a group of mutual friends.. and he ended up staying with me for 6 days, 5 nights. made me cry by telling me, after we'd kissed, etc.. that it didnt mean anything and hes sorry if i felt used )':

 

then he says he loves me, and he doesnt wanna hurt me and i deserve better blah blah blah!!!

gahhhhh.

 

we got into a small argument that turned into both of us crying and telling each other how much we love each other and what not.

 

why is he confusing me this way?

is being single and hanging out with a bunch of random girls/making out with them really worth losing someone you really love?

 

sometimes.. i hate him.

[Bella Jordan]

I'm right there with you. Friday night was the first time I'd left the house since we fought and he asked for some time. I literally have done nothing but sit in bed, watch bad movies, throw up (sorry - TMI), and cry intermittently. One of my girlfriends was having some pretty rough issues with his family, so I couldn't exactly refuse when she asked me to join her for drinks. We ended up hanging out with one of her guy friends and a few of his friends, but all I could do was think about Caleb the entire time. I've considered putting up the photos we took on my MS or FB, but I think it's far too soon and rather than feel jealous, he'll just think that I'm not having any problems moving on or getting over him, etc. But as I mentioned before - it obviously got under his skin when he thought I was hitting on a guy after our fight. So at least I know he's still capable of jealousy, and that HAS to be a good thing...right?

 

I told Caleb the same thing you told your bf - that if we were together when he went to LA, that I would wait for him in the event that I opted not to move there with him. But he also wasn't interested in doing the long-distance thing. I certainly wasn't eager to do it, but when you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, I feel like both parties should be willing to make some sacrifices...you know? I probably would have ended up following him to LA shortly thereafter, but now who knows where this relationship is going?

[maddylou.]

yes yes.. amen!

and it makes it difficult when you dont even know if the person is jealous.

i have vowed to be better at keeping my jealousy to myself since i cant just make it go away.. so when cole hangs out with this (black)girl hes been associating with lately (its not that shes black that bugs me haha just that he made out with her.. plus im prettier than her ha) instead of saying something to him about it i close my trap.

but he doesnt even seem to care.. the only thing is that when i dont provide details he assumes its cuz i did something or hung out with someone i dont want him to know about.. so he askes who/what/when/where/why.. ha which is like my feul to keep up the non jealousy thing

 

 

yah i totally agree about the compromise part.

obviously i support him going on a mission 100%.

and i was sooo happy and excited to be his gf on his mission.. then he dumped me. ):