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Need to STAY OUT of abusive relationship! HELP!!!


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OMG I really need some help or support............. I feel almost suicidal right now I just want this pain to stop!!!!

My fiance and I just broke up on Friday, I left him... We argue too much and it always blows up into huge arguments... He was draining me, and he pushed me over the edge and I wanted to leave and he wouldn't let me.. Finally he moved and out of frustration I hit the light switch with my fist, and he shoved me with two hands by the shoulders and I flew backwards directly on my butt and hit my head.. I got up crying and ran out of the house and right to my parents house...... I was more angry yesterday and when he pleaded for me to come home and work it out, I kept telling him I won't tolerate the physical abuse and that was a deal breaker and I had WARNED HIM! And he still did it...

Now today I went over (when he was gone) and picked up all my things from his house.... It was so hard because I am leaving everything, we lived together in his house, had a beautiful chocolate lab who I am going to miss sooooo much.... I keep thinking of all the things I am going to miss... and I almost feel like the only thing right now that will make me happy is going and seeing them..! I have tired to leave him at least 4-5 times already and it took him getting physical for me to decide to leave..

 

I know I need to leave, and everyone tells me I should... Why can't I bear the thought of losing him????????????????????? I don't want to start over

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Awww, no

I know it's difficult to leave someone [ whether they're abusive or not ]. But you know it's the right thing to do and you just have to remember that you'll be better off in the long run. I've had deal breakers in my relationships and I've ended up over looking them to stay with my partner and it made me miserable by the end of it.

You know what you want in a partner and you know it's the right thing to do. Spend time with friends and family right now. They'll be a good support system.

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You two were in the process of building a life together. That takes a huge amount of personal and emotional investment plus the hopes of what might be. So it makes perfect sense that you feel so hurt right now. Even if it hurts, you are making the right decision. The problem isn't with you, it is with him and you won't be able to change this in him. He has to resolve this problem himself with professional help. From your other post, it sounds like his parents are very good kind people and somehow he still learned it was ok to get physical and not control his temper. Remember this is a very deep problem that he wont change overnight.

 

Why don't you see a family/marriage counselor to get some of your feelings off your chest and hear from an expert why leaving him was the right thing to do. I think its important you talk it out especially since you seem really heart today - understandably. At the very least, keep posting away your feelings here. Talk it out even if its rambling nonsense, I think its cathartic.

 

PS: Do you have some close friends you can call over? That can help.

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Well we had a couples counselling appointment on Tuesday (our 3rd session).. but I am going to go to it alone..

 

I am living with my parents now, so I have good support around me.. and my best friend is very supportive and has been talking to me and helping me.. we are making plans to do things also..

I just feel like crap... I WANT to be with my fiance..... I want our future together.. I love what we had.. but when we argue it's so BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have no other problems in our relationship only arguing and can't resolve conflicts... We just can't seem to resolve problems together... We both end up angry and resentful.. and I get so angry because I feel controlled and really weak like he wants to run everything and I'm supposed to follow..

 

That's what started this physical abuse.. He has never before, but this time we argued and it escalated and I was upset and needed to leave and he wouldn't let me... and that's when the physical confrontation happened.

 

It seems SO extreme to have this kind of abuse when we don't even have THAT many problems... We just don't get along..

I'm finding it hard to swallow... We both just want to be together and happy but don't seem to know how to do it

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Communicate. Rip everything to the bare bones. Tell each other what you are both feeling. What are the stresses? But from the outset make some rules.

 

1. If one person is talking the other cannot interrupt. If need be even take notes whilst the other is talking.

 

2. Under no circumstances are either of you allowed to shout at each other. Maybe start off by both saying you love and respect each other.

 

I dunno...worth a shot?!

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Communicate. Rip everything to the bare bones. Tell each other what you are both feeling. What are the stresses? But from the outset make some rules.

 

1. If one person is talking the other cannot interrupt. If need be even take notes whilst the other is talking.

 

2. Under no circumstances are either of you allowed to shout at each other. Maybe start off by both saying you love and respect each other.

 

I dunno...worth a shot?!

 

I think they are past that point. Anytime things get physical it's time to bail. Suggesting that they can be together in the same room again any time soon is not a good idea.

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Thats what I tried to do for almost 2 years now... He just asks too much from me, he doesn't even want me going out with friends without him... He is always checking up on me, or getting angry or sulking if I go out without him, he has major trust issues and his answer is to have me around his side at all times.... Me on the other hand, I need space... I like freedom, and I don't think it's unreasonable to want to have friends and occasionally be able to do stuff with them.

He CONSUMES me.. And I never felt like I could ever make him feel secure.. I would have to stay inside the house at all times and never go anywhere. He asks way too much of what is humanly possible for another human being.. It's really extreme..

 

Even before any of our pre-breakups or any issues he used to follow me to check on where I was, he would call and harass me if I was out with a friend, he is just insanely jealous and it would drive me crazy. He was always checking my phone, computer chat logs, etc. He never seemed like he could relax at all.... Like he didn't believe I would ever stay loyal to him or be with him.

 

All he wanted was for us to get married and be together.. but I want a HEALTHY relationship.. one without mis-trust and drama.

And not to mention he is severely CONTROLLING... He wants everything run his own way.. and has a very hard time allowing others to make their own choices and have their own opinions.. He RAGES when I would disagree with him or want to do something my way..

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Stephie,

 

I think you know deep down this relationship is very unhealthy and that you finally made the right choice by leaving him.

 

Does that mean it will be easy? Not at all. After all, you established a home and a life with him, it's like going through a divorce. It will be hard, and it will be a major change, and it will be painful. But, it is still the right thing.

 

You need to stick to your guns. The easy thing would be to run back and hope that things will work out, but you've said it yourself, it's been going on for 2 years, and that controlling behavior of his has now escalated to abuse. It's time to walk away now.

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I always knew the relationship was unhealthy- and that's why I was working my butt off to try and get it NORMAL.. But one thing I wasn't willing to do was sacrifice what I believe in.. and that was my self-respect.. One of my counsellors had told me, I may be able to keep my fiance secure for the most part, but at WHAT COST??? Losing my whole identity because I have no friends, no life outside of him??? And that is probably what it would have taken to make things work... And that's really sad Because I know I wasn't asking for much... Just the odd night out where I could interact with friends and do girl things that I missed alot!! He wanted all my time and didn't want to share me.. And although when we were together we were sooo happy and in love, that is NOT healthy... He has so many issues, and that's what saddened me soo much to know that he couldn't just trust me and let me be happy... He is a very emotionally scarred person, and his insecurities drive him to be completely crazy... But underneath all his craziness he really is a very sweet person... He's like a big teddy bear, and the way he was with me and our dog was really great and we were so happy.

 

That's why it is so hard to leave these relationships, because there is GOOD in there... but when the bad starts to creep up more and more, it drains you... it consumes you... I would constantly think 24/hours a day about my relationship, and what bothered me, what needed fixing, what doubts I had... Why couldn't we just be happy?

I couldn't even enjoy life!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yet it was like an addiction.. now being away from it (only 3 days by now) I feel completely lost and empty..

This is horrible.... especially when I know if my fiance could have learnt to deal with his insecurities or maybe got counselling BEFORE he met me... We could have been perfect and happy together.. It's really tragic.. And that's why it hurt me to leave all those times and always came back. And to be honest, if he never ecalated to physical, I would have come back again this time.... I put up with sessions of occasional emotional and verbal abuse... because they were "grey area" and I knew why he acted the way he did.. and I justified it because over time I learnt why he does what he does.. And it was all because he was afraid to lose me.. that and serious insecurities that he will always have with females..

 

I just wish things could have worked out differently..

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From the way it sounds in your other post resentments on both parts have grown and reached a point where violence is now escalating. He should not have shoved you, but you should not have punched the light switch either. That didn't warrant being pushed but the other should also not have happened. You both are becoming toxic to each other so it is time to find a way to leave, even if you just have to go stay with a friend or family.

 

When a relationship reaches this point it rarely can be resolved. I think your b/f has growing resentment over the relationship and situation as well and he is now pushing you (I dont think that is the same as hitting, but still not acceptable).

 

It's just time to leave before anything else happens.

 

I have known many relationships that progress like this and it doesn't always mean both or one party was necessarily violent, the relationship just gets to such a toxic stage that these types of matches ensue, and it usually gets worse each time, and grows more frequent. This is when you know you are in an non compatible situation.

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I can so relate to your post. Had a 2 year relationship with a woman like this. In the end it got physical. She ended it running out in panic mode. This woman was diagnosed with Panic/Anxiety disorder and would not take medication for it. Also she was hypersensitive and needy. My life became her life. If I wanted to take art classes she got upset cause she wouldnt see me that night. I helped a buddy out on a bowling league and she had to come to the bowling nights. Bazillions of phone calls and emails daily. ANd of course I never did enough. As is yours, my relationship got toxic. Were we incompatible...not on your life. I would have died in her arms. We had so much fun together. The good times were incredible. Could I have done things differently, of course. IF she would have ben upfront and honest with her issues. I feel she sabotaged the relationship by not being opne with me about her problems and issues. Believe me her childhood story alone would make you cry. So it ended and Im 18 months out and still miss her terribly cause I truly believe she was "The One" Unfortunately, she does not want to admit to her issues and try to fix them. I would have supported her 150%. But it has to start with her.SO if you have done all you feel you could. Then you can do no more. It is up to him. He has to own his issues.. No one else can own them for him. Funny now, 20 months out, Im starting to get these attempted contacts by my ex. I have not responded and I wont until she makes an honest attempt and not just games. Think about you right now. Thats all you are in control of.

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The problem with this is that it takes TWO people to make a relationship work, and as hard as you tried, you learned that you can't do it alone, nor should you have to. At that point you cut your losses. I am a firm believer once someone is abusive it's always best to leave the relationship.

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I know, I always knew he wanted our relationship to work but I honestly think he was almost in-capable of doing the leg work to do it! He always was a lazy person... He likes making easy fast money, and I guess now I know he wants easy relationships. But he will learn there is no such thing as an EASY relationship.. It takes work and on both sides like you said!

 

Well I now have all my stuff at least and I'm safely at my parents house.

 

He messaged me after and said if I wanted to talk to please come over again.. And I have just been telling him over and over I can't tolerate the physical abuse and it just KILLS me that he did it.. even when he was warned NOT to before hand. I told him NOT many people get that much of a head's up to prevent making mistakes.. You did, many times and YOU STILL did it.... I'm so hurt.. and honestly SHOCKED that he still did it. I told him obviously my word to him was worthless.

 

I told him that he obviously did not love me because no man would want to lose a woman they really love. |

And he says, well I don't want to lose you! But you won't come talk to me!

And I said, NO.. if you didn't want to lose me you wouldn't have shoved me when I warned you I wouldn't tolerate physical abuse!!

 

This is so heart shattering... Honestly, WHY the hell do I even love this man!! I hate myself right now!!

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Well i doubt i have a very popular view but i think an escalation that results in a shoving isn't necessarily because the person is abusive, it is more the end result of a very emotional sparring match where two parties are pushing each others buttons, and it sounds like that is what happened here. You both are constantly pushing the wrong buttons and it is best to just call it a day. I wouldn't say from all of this it means he is a woman abuser, more like the relationship just grew to a toxic state. These types of 'shoving matches' are more common than people think when two people who are bad for each other and push each others buttons are together.

 

The safest way to end it is remove oneself from the partnership.

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You are REALLY not helping this situation by the way you are wording things here.. You are justifying his actions and somewhat saying they were to be accepted. Physical abuse in any form of severity is NEVER ok in my books... And I did not derserve that! He can yell, scream, punch walls and break things and you don't see me hitting him! He is a 6'3 260lb man.. He should not be pushing a woman or restraining her in any way! I don't care how angry I was or what hurtful things I may have said, we both lose our temper but over time he made me that way because I always felt powerless! He would even try and change my opinion on things and trying to tell me HOW to feel.. ! No wonder I would lose control out of frustration, a manipulative person like that can make anyone go mad!

 

I could have charged him for physical assault.. How can you even remotely justify or blame me in any way for that?

He has told me in arguments before when I was angry to HIT HIM!!! And I said WHAT? No I'd never do that!!! I just personally think we all have the ability NOT to hit/shove or push someone... that is a choice you make, we all know it's wrong.

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Then call the cops then.

 

I am trying to help by saying remove yourself from the situation because you two have become toxic. If you would rather i say call the cops he is a beast, then do it. You also showed violence by punching the wall, my point is that you two have both reached a point of showing very POOR judgement and removing yourself from the situation is the best course of action.

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Then call the cops then.

 

I am trying to help by saying remove yourself from the situation because you two have become toxic. If you would rather i say call the cops he is a beast, then do it. You also showed violence by punching the wall, my point is that you two have both reached a point of showing very POOR judgement and removing yourself from the situation is the best course of action.

 

 

I understand what you're saying, however I usually am very calm and don't get angry very easily.. However, when someone starts to manipulate me or do something that I clearly know is WRONG I get angry. Not just a disagreement, I can respect other people's views.

 

The reason I punched the light switch was because I was really upset and I wanted to be ALONE.. My fiance had been cornering me in the room for 5min and wouldn't let me leave.. He was holding me back and restraining my arms ! WOULD THAT NOT frustrate you????? I was crying and getting angrier and angrier... It is my human right to be LET GO when I ask!

So after him restraining me for 5min, I was at my PEAK and I hit the light switch off, instead of him! It never would get to that point if someone didn't restrain me!

If any other more aggressive woman was being restrained they would probably kick him in the nuts or start punching and kicking! I didn't! And I was being restrained by a VERY strong 260 pound man!

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The hardest part is letting go... As many know the "victim" of these abusive relationships spends so much time trying to fix the relationship, fix the abuser, and I know that was the case with me.. I fought tooth and nail to try and fix this.. I always felt I was working 3x harder than he was, as he never really could admit he had a problem. He never once admitted he did something wrong, without saying that I was the one who caused it somehow.

Even now, he said he was sorry and it was wrong for pushing me down, but he in the same breathe says it was a natural reaction to me hitting the light switch with my fist.

 

Some logic he has.. Break a $3 dollar light switch, and the equivalent is thrown me down and hurt me!

 

I just found the most perfect website with an article! It has "through the eyes" of the abuser and the abused victim... I started to cry as I read my role, but then I sort of felt better afterwards and it was really enlightening to read everything I was feeling and KNOW that someone understands and i'm not crazy after all... He made me feel crazy, like I was wrong for feeling how I did.

 

I just have to share it!!

 

PART 1:

Through the eyes of the Abuser:

 

In my counseling practice, client cases typically fit a specific patient profile. In other words, I have usually seen it before. That certainly is the pattern as I look through the eyes of the abuser.

 

I define an abuser as one who uses the power of words or physical prowess as a means of manipulating and controlling significant others. Generally, the perpetrator chooses to forgo counseling or psychiatric assistance on a voluntary basis. However, he may attend conjoint counseling when his partner provides an ultimatum. The abuser may be mandated by the court to seek anger management support and will attend reluctantly. The abuser generally has minimal insight into the significance of his problem. Raging and physical intimidation emerge naturally out of a sense of entitlement. The underlying assumption of the perpetrator of violence is, "People must act the way I want them to or they will pay for their actions." Typically, the aggressor's underlying worldview crystallizes in response to family-of-origin issues involving dysfunctional behavior of his parents.

 

The victimizer has never processed childhood conflict. She may have been abused herself or witnessed abuse at the hands or words of a parent. The aggressor experiences psychic numbing that emerges out of her own victimization and never gets closure on her history by grieving it and letting it go. Instead, the abuser repeats the intergenerational cycle of trauma, projecting her rage and anger on those she supposedly values.

 

Often, the victim is confounded by the behavior of the abuser. Those who control, rage, and intimidate can be the kindest and most gentle of people. They can put their "best foot forward" and gain the admiration and respect of significant people in their lives. Their "dusty corners" are hidden from most — with the exception of their most intimate relationships.

 

The perpetrator's fluctuation of moods makes the problem perplexing. One moment, he may be cordial and communicative, and in a "heart beat" will shift to monumental moodiness filled with venom toward the victim. The unpredictable nature of the abuser makes those around him scramble for cover. One aspect that makes abuse troublesome is that the perpetrator of aggression never appears to appreciate that he has a problem. He can victimize loved ones through the trauma of painful assaults or words and then justify his action as necessary. Another scenario is the abuser who repeatedly apologizes for his misbehavior and expects others to promptly forgive and forget. The abuser may flare if loved ones don't immediately respond by forgetting that any wrong doing has occurred.

 

Perpetrators of violent behavior tend to be characterological in nature. By that I mean that they have a propensity to blame others for their actions rather than take responsibility for the perpetuation of aggression. Their emotional and behavioral difficulties tend to be more pervasive, in the sense that their pathological behavior goes to the core of their personality. Often, perpetrators of abuse may suffer from psychological disorders such as depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder and other psychological symptoms. Without therapeutic treatment and psychotropic medication management, abusers tend to chronically re-offend.

 

Some of the personality characteristics of the abuser are:

 

* They tend to use power and control as a means of altering their environment.

* They are highly manipulative in words and actions.

* They tend to believe that they are always "right."

* They view life dichotomously — (either or thinking).

* They generally were either abused or pampered as children.

* They have minimal insight into the "dark side" of their personality.

* They believe that they are entitled to have life treat them "fairly."

* They exhibit poor impulse control and maintain an aggressive style of relating.

* They are self-centered, rigid, and lack the capacity to view things from other people's perspective.

* They are highly insecure, feel inferior, and are defensive.

 

Abusers lack the insight and sensitivity necessary to understand the damage that they may inflict on others. They feel justified in projecting anger and rage on those closest to them. They rarely seek help because they feel that their actions are warranted based upon their worldview. The prognosis for healing among those who abuse is not positive unless intense therapeutic intervention in willingly sought.

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Part 2: Through the eyes of the Abused:

 

 

Abusers typically dismiss the idea of seeking professional counseling assistance as they project their anger and rage onto those closest to them. They see no wrongdoing on their part. They are either unable or unwilling to comprehend the psychological wreckage that they foist on their loved ones.

 

Generally, it is the abused client that shows up at my office. The abused patient looks like she has been held hostage in a war zone. A sense of numbing radiates from this victim during the onset of the counseling process. It is not uncommon for the abused to seek therapy under the illusion of "saving" a relationship. The victim may have chronically been assaulted either verbally and/or physically by a partner and yet may hold out hope of fixing the partnership.

 

Those who have been abused generally have experienced a roller-coaster ride of emotional upheaval. They have learned to doubt their own instincts, minimize the pain of betrayal, and have succumbed to the manipulation, or power and control of their mates. They will talk about horrid manifestations of abuse without any emotional intensity attached to the experiences. The discussion of their stories comes accross as an afterthought.

 

Nevertheless, for some reason, the abused have come for assistance. They may have read all the right books and sought refuge through support groups and shelters. It is not unusual for the abused to bring books on anger management or mood disorders to my office, looking for validation that they are on the right rack in their journey toward relationship repair.

 

It has been my experience that the abused victim has a "poor picker." The picker is the selection criteria that emerges out of the life experience of the victim. Often, the victim has lowered her standards in relationships, believing that it is her lot in life to settle for whatever comes her way.

 

The abused do not believe that they deserve the best in their most intimate connections. Many have no perspective for what a healthy relationship looks like. They may choose to commiserate with misery because they are used to living in a dysfunctional comfort zone; or they may fear leaving a relationship because they anticipate further retaliation; or they may lack the courage to move forward into the unknown of experience. Regardless, they feel stuck and look outside of themselves for some type of validation and resolution.

 

Assertiveness is not an asset of the abused. Most have never set appropriate limits or boundaries in relationships. On the contrary, the victim tends to acquiesce to the needs of others. Giving away one's sense of self, they allow their partner to have his way as they justify rage and anger as an appropriate reaction to interpersonal contact. The abused lack the ability to stick up for themselves, because on some level they feel that the abusive reaction may be warranted. Over time, the abused develop a belief system in which they are unable to see the "forest from the trees." The victim internalizes the rage and anger of their partner and believe that they must be doing something terribly wrong to deserve such treatment.

 

The abused want to believe that there is a magic bullet to fix their partnership. They tend to overlook the abusive experiences and dwell on specific incidents of well-being in the relationship. Minor "victories" may overshadow the trauma of repeated abuse.

 

The abused tend to get hooked into the cycle of victimization. They may "victim-posture", meaning that they play out the role of the victim to gain sympathy from friends and family. Their codependent neediness may keep them tied to a relationship that is toxic. The abused may feel that they have no options other than holding onto the relationship. They may envision that it is the counselor's responsibility to alter their relationship, rather than assist the abused in facing their own needs, "blind-spots", and responsibilities.

 

To review, here are some of the characteristics associated with those who have been physically and/or emotionally abused:

 

* The abused individual desires to fix her partner.

* The abused tend to have lowered expectations in a relationship. They don't feel they deserve better.

* The abused partner tends to mistrust his instincts. He believes he must have done something wrong to warrant the abuse. He internalizes the rage and anger.

* The abused partner lacks assertiveness skills. She allows her partner to control and manipulate.

* The abused partner tends to be a caretaker, focusing attention away from her own needs.

* The abused partner minimizes the trauma of abuse and dwells on events that make the relationship appear normal and healthy.

* The abused partner "victim-postures", playing helpless and seeking the sympathy of others.

* The abused partner may commiserate with misery by staying in a relationship, even though there are no realistic options for improvement.

* The abused partner looks to others to repair the torn relationship.

 

Why is it that a partner being abused may leave a relationship for a period of time only to return? This pattern is quite disturbing, particularly for those who work with battered individuals. The abused partner may be addicted to the unhealthy nature of a volatile relationship. All of the "blind-spots" that I have mentioned are contributing factors to this phenomenon. It is human nature to stay with what we know best. If we are familiar with trauma, we may stay with it for no other reason than it feels comfortable to us and this is the tragedy of the abused.

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That is a GREAT article! Stephie, remember this when he is calling and messaging you to come talk to him. He will probably say whatever it is you want to hear to get you back with him, and then it will be the same thing over again once he has you back. Nowhere in the article did it say that the abuser is going to change with help. I think most of the time that is just the way they are.

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If this was the only episode of violence i honestly do not think you can put this man into this proverbial box painted in this article.

 

Just leave him and let him get his diagnosis and/or treatment if and when he feels ready. I think you are going to drive yourself crazy trying to diagnose him but the thing is, look out for you, and just end this...it sounds like you are going to do that, and that is good.

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Well we have had a few somewhat physical episodes, but I never considered them dangerous, just annoying!

One time we had an argument about something over the phone, and I just wanted to let it go so I left a note on the counter saying I wanted to drop it and not fight.. so please let me sleep... (I had to wake up early for work) and my fiance was coming home from evening shift around 11pm. I remember the pit in my stomache wondering if he would come home yelling, or just crawl into bed with me to sleep.. Turned out, he came home flicked the light on and yelled WAKE UP PRINCESS.. and started arguing with me. I got upset and said stop yelling, it's over with we don't need to fight.. and he kept persisting that he wasn't lying about something and finally I turned my head into the pillow to sleep and he grabbed me by the wrists and pinned them to the bed to hold me facing him to talk.. I told him to let go, and he wouldn't be stopped after a few minutes.

 

Another time I was at my best friend's birthday and said I would be home around 1am.. he had been calling non-stop and even though I was texting him back and talked on the phone, I had areas of bad reception and I wouldn't get a text back for like 20-30min sometimes.. We had communication all night, and finally when it was time to go home I waited for my girlfriend in the car while I warmed it up.. and I was waiting and I looked in my rear-view mirror and I thought I saw my fiance's car beside a building in a dark area... My friend hopped in, and we drove away and I said I was pretty sure "JOE" was sitting in his car watching us... We started to drive and my fiance followed and then set off my car alarm (with the spare keys he had) and was locking and unlocking the doors.. We were startled at first, but then I knew he was doing it.. He beat me home first, but when I got home I stepped inside and he started yelling at me! Saying I didn't answer my phone and I took to long, blah blah.. Going off.. and I started to get upset and said stop yelling at me, why are you making a big deal? You saw me leave with my girl friend? I had to wait for her,she was saying goodbye to her friends, it is her birthday! He wouldn't stop yelling at me, so I left the house to get away from his yelling.. I was walking up the street to my friends house since she lives 2 streets over, and my fiance came running up the street to catch me and picked me up over his shoulders and took me home. I was really angry, but I did start laughing (which probably condoned it) but I thought it was funny (but not funny) cause he was walking down the street carrying a 5'10 girl over his shoulders lol..

 

I'm sure there are a few other minor episodes, but these one were the most recent that I can remember.

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What was his past like. A persons past is a great pre-cursor to the future. They usually are the common denominator in all of there failed friendships and relationships. I was with someone for 2 years who was very emotionally abusive. Had Panic/Anxiety disorder and funny in your post from the other website defining abusers. It states most have depression or Bi-Polar or BPD. My counsellor who saw us together and me alone after it ended suggested that she thought she be Bi-Polar or have BPD. I dont buy the conflicting personalities scenario. My ex was married twice (all ther fault). Had zero friends but lots of ex-friends (again all there faults). Fought and was aliented from her birth family ( did I say all there faults). It is impossible to have a relationship with these kinds of people. If I would have let her consume me. Let my life become hers and walk on eggshells 24/7 then yes the relationship may have worked. Thats not healthy. The new guy she left me for is going to make the same mistakes I did and the 2 husbands before me did. Its called life. These people are hypersensitive and have zero stressor limit. They are emotionally unhealthy and until they get the help they need they will not have a healthy functioning relationship with anyone. SO dont blame yourself he will repeat it time and time again. I know mine will. I just look at her past. Easier to blame the world then to look inside.

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