Ex wants to be friends, need advice

[meiling]

Hi everyone. I'm new to these forums but I read a few posts so I hope that this belongs here and is appropriate. Really, this is my first time in a situation such as this and I desperately need some objective input and advice.

 

Will try to make this short but explanatory. This Nov. would have been the 4th year for me and my ex boyfriend, having lived together for the past two. It was his apartment while we were away at college and he had asked me to stay with him instead of in my dorm. After the first year, I had asked him if he still thought it was a good idea because we had some problems that continued in a cycle. He never wanted to go out and do anything fun, preferring to stay home on the computer or playing games and would generally ignore me while we were living in this tiny studio 1 bedroom apartment. I'd be saddened by this, then annoyed and would ignore him back. That would in turn make him mad, then I'd break down and usually we'd make up within a couple hours. He'd promise to spend more time with me and I'd promise to tell him when something was wrong and not let it get me so down, but neither ever happened so the cycle continued into our second year living together.

 

This past summer I felt he was growing more distant and I vowed to calm down. We had a couple conversations where I asked if the relationship was still what he wanted or would he be happier being less serious. He assured me he wanted us to stay together and have a future. Then he decided to take a week vacation to see a friend he knew online from another state. This friend was a girl a couple years younger than us and although I felt a little worried, I did not let it show. He assured me I had nothing to worry about, she was just a friend and he loved me.

 

I already knew when he came back that he must have been unfaithful and approached him as soon as we got together. What followed was a long, frustrated conversation about how he didn't love me anymore and had a crush on this girl the last year, that they were in love and he had gone all the way with her, how he could never be himself with me because he had to worry about making me upset and it had worn him to this point. The next couple days he took back half of what he said and offered up a second chance for us, but I turned him down because he said he loved this other girl and I felt he was confused.

 

Within the next month (in which he was living with me in my apartment) he was both sweet and mean. He was trying to comfort me but ended up tacking on multiple reasons for why he didn't love me anymore and would get angry at me when I cried. He'd still kiss me on the cheek on good days and we slept in the same bed, then the girl broke up with him. He still didn't want me. He moved out on my family's insistence because I was drained mentally and physically, but he still wanted to be friends.

 

After a couple weeks we started talking again. Mostly he called late at night crying about how this girl had hurt him so. I do not call him unless it is to return his call. On his 21st b-day he ended up kissing me and called me his like he used to, then tried to say he did it because he was drunk (off of one beer) and if we're just friends it isn't right. He had me stay over with him a couple nights and cuddled with me and tried to get intimate, but stopped when he realized it was making me upset. Since then he's gotten over the girl who dumped him and still asked me to stay over but promised to respect physical boundaries. Though every time I see him he hugs me and holds me, kisses my hair and has me sit on his lap. And every time I try to just do this friend thing and be satisfied and think I'm okay, my emotions overwhelm me and I leave him before he can see me break down. The last time I did not make it away from him in time and he saw me fall apart.

 

When he called next I was still very down and reminded him I still love him and want to be with him. But he said he didn't want a relationship with anyone right now, maybe never, because he wants to be happy on his own merit and enjoys the peace and quiet. He is very much an introvert, not a people person and I'm the only one he really talks to or hangs out with, but I decided that if he wants to be happy by himself then I would just end that as well. I didn't tell him in so many words, just said, "Well, I'll leave you alone then."

 

I'm a little more than a week into the no contact and he has already tried to call a couple times. But I got a new phone and a new number and will shut off the old in a couple days, so he will not be able to call at all. While I still love him and deep down hope that he will change his mind and return it again eventually, I am no longer banking on that. With all these mixed signals, his insistence that we stay friends and everything, what is he really feeling? Am I doing the right thing here if I am hoping that this will make him miss me and want to try again?

[Singlestill]

NC is best for now. You still want each other, but it isn't working, and it takes time to sort out those feelings.

 

I am friends with most of my exes, but it took a lot of time for it to work, and I try to be careful with what I talk with them about so that I don't hurt them. I love that they know me so well, and I them, but it has taken *years* of time before I was comfortable sharing relationship issues with most of them, or they with me, and for a few I never can. It is insensitive of him to come crying to you about his new love when your life together is still fresh, so NC will give you both time to make new connections, and get to a place where you can talk openly and freely together.

 

You can definitely be friends but both of you need time apart to heal and to decide that you really do want to pursue a friendship.

 

Hang in there because NC is one of the hardest things to achieve. I just had a relationship end and I am fighting calling her as we speak. It isn't easy but you are not alone!

[maddylou.]

oh myyyyy.

i thought i was the only girl on this planet with a confused boy who has ABSOLUTELY no idea what he wants with me. (the technical/medical term for these boys is BIPOLAR.) i am in the EXACT same situation right now pretty much.. only there is no other girlfriend and hes never said he doesnt love me.. hes just not IN love with me right now.. cuz he doesnt want a relationship. grrrrrrr. i wish i was as strong as you ): i have attempted the no contact thing, even changing my number and have yet to succeed. we've been broken up now for 3 months and its the longest we havent talked everyday or hung out. i am verrrry proud of you for not talking to him.. it is the only way to force him to make up his mind about how he feels about you. it sucks.. but ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

):

 

i am sorry. i wouldnt wish this on my wor.. well maybe my worst enemy you would too if you knew her haha but, i do hope for the best for you whatever that may be.