HopeArises Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 This is a question I put forth to someone on here through PM, but I thought I'd send it out to get even more thoughts on the subject. For those don't know my situation, it's on the first page of getting back together. So, onto my question. Maybe the ladies would have an easier time answering it than the men. We'll see My major concern regarding my ex is concerning her support system, which is comprised of her TWO sisters. They are her best friends and they didn't approve of me (YET are both with JERKS of their own). Since the breakup, they have fully supported her in her decision. They didn't even know she was with me yesterday. They thought she was with her girlfriend. So, what about that conflict she may or may not have now within her. She said she would call me today. Who knows if she even will. She's the type of person to run away from her FEELINGS, so she may not even start to avoid me realizing that she DOES have feelings for me. Anyways, my point is, what do I/does she have in store regarding her support system? She's the type of person who wants to please people and especially her sisters. She may fear that they will look down on her for even considering going back with me and she won't want to jeopardize that relationship with THEM. How to work with HER on this? What can I do or say if ANYTHING regarding this, without her feeling guilty for feeling good when with me, which goes directly against the decision she made and said she would stick to, to both me, herself AND her entire support system? Link to comment
onemanband Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Don't try to manipulate anything. Life is strange, and I believe if you're a positive person, you'll be met with a fairly positive life. I guess what I'm trying to say is, lead by example. Your ex is seeing you, which is really all you need. Just focus on your positive change and she'll see it. I believe that if she can forgive you and accept you, then so can her sisters. It takes time, and with that patience. But you know what they say about being patient right? Oddly enough, and kind of on topic... I ran into my ex's 'support' at a bar this weekend. I believe that your life path brings itself to you if you're focused on doing what feels right, and whats positive. Initially, it was a very negative encounter ("You!!!! You hurt her sooo much!!!") which turned into a positive one in my eyes as it was an opportunity that life brought my way. I stayed positive the whole time, accepted my fault to her but stood my ground, and her attitude changed. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Just read your oher thread about your friend date. Looks like it went pretty well As for this thread, it really really irritates me when outside parties have too much of an opinion and try to tell the person in question what to do. I think it is fine to give advice to friends or family about this kind of thing but I hate it when they bang on about it and try to influence the persons decision. If they really cared they would offer advice, and be happy and supportive whatever the person decides to do. Link to comment
tin_tin Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 As for this thread, it really really irritates me when outside parties have too much of an opinion and try to tell the person in question what to do. I think it is fine to give advice to friends or family about this kind of thing but I hate it when they bang on about it and try to influence the persons decision. If they really cared they would offer advice, and be happy and supportive whatever the person decides to do. Yeah i have this feeling in the back of my mind that something like that is happening in my situation, i could be wrong however. In september my gf moved half hour away, to be closer to uni, and she shares it with 2 of her female uni pals, so they basically see eachother all the time. I know one of the girls is having problems with her bf Everything seemed great, we would see eachother 2/3 times a week. though In novemeber she ends it. 3 years together. I know for a fact that she is very easily influenced by other people, especially friends. So i cant help but feel maybe they have talked her into it. But i suppose at the end of the day its her decision. My ex told me she has become a vegetarian, and she has started to smoke the odd fag or two (even though she hated the smell of it) Guess what, her flatmate is a smoking vegetarian Link to comment
now what71 Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 This is an interesting question. My advice would be to leave it alone though. When my ex-wife and i initially began having problems, she began to spend a lot of time with two of her friends whom were recently divorced. I had gotten along with both of them in the past but I know for a fact that she had relied on them for advice during this period, and the end result of their advice was our divorce. I'm seeing some regret on her end lately for how things turned out, and how quickly she rushed to this decision. There were a lot of factors, I can't say her support system/friends are completely to blame, but they were involved. Best to leave it alone as bringing it up will only seem like jealousy and manipulativeness to her. Link to comment
catfish1199 Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 I think I may be in a very similar situation, but I think that her friends have been prying her away from me for years. They were right about me in some capacity, but now that I am having great success in working on myself, I hope that I can get back into favor. Its just too bad that I couldnt do it before she finally broke and left me, but sometimes thats what it takes to get into gear. We will see how it all shakes out i guess. I posted about it today too. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 It is their decision at the end of the day but I think when they are constantly being worn down by what their friends and family are saying to them they start to believe it themselves. I beleieve I have also been a victim of this concerning my ex's friends and family and it makes me so angry as they don't even know me. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 If she really loves you then you will take precedence over the opinions of her sisters and she will make sure that she encourages them to accept you. If her sisters' opinions completely guide what she does regarding her relationship with you then I would say that is not a plus in her favour. Many marriages have run aground because one partner takes the opinions of parents, siblings and friends over those of the spouse. If she can't make up her own mind and needs the influence of her sisters, then chances are that would be a problem even if you two were to get married. You can't overcome her support system...she has to want to make the choice to use her own mind rather than the minds of her sisters. Link to comment
blue_dahlia Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 You can't overcome her support system...she has to want to make the choice to use her own mind rather than the minds of her sisters. I completely agree. I didn't tell my parents that my ex and I were spending time again until we were officially back together (three months of dating). Why? Because I didn't want them to know unless we reconciled. Frankly, I didn't want the stress/support/opinions/advice that they had to offer. It was between K and I, and it was going to stay between K and I until I knew what spending time together meant. It would have mattered to me if my parents disapproved. However, it didn't influence me. You can't worry about the "support system." There's absolutely nothing you can do about it. You need to worry about yourself. Link to comment
Pandaman211 Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 It is their decision at the end of the day but I think when they are constantly being worn down by what their friends and family are saying to them they start to believe it themselves. I beleieve I have also been a victim of this concerning my ex's friends and family and it makes me so angry as they don't even know me. Haha this is what happened to me months ago, when I was broken up with. Something happened she interpreted the wrong way b/c of someone telling her it was like this vs. how it really was, she broke it off, told me a few weeks later that her friends and fam didnt want her to get back with me and she didnt know, etc. (I know for a fact bc my ex was going through fam stuff it was a one sided story) Sorry but had to put this in there. I don't care anymore, its just kind of refreshing to know that other people have dealt with this BS too. I never read anything about friends influence until this thread. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Haha this is what happened to me months ago, when I was broken up with. Something happened she interpreted the wrong way b/c of someone telling her it was like this vs. how it really was, she broke it off, told me a few weeks later that her friends and fam didnt want her to get back with me and she didnt know, etc. (I know for a fact bc my ex was going through fam stuff it was a one sided story) Sorry but had to put this in there. I don't care anymore, its just kind of refreshing to know that other people have dealt with this BS too. I never read anything about friends influence until this thread. It's crap isn't it. I feel like sceaming at them and telling them to mind their own bloody business! Link to comment
HopeArises Posted January 8, 2009 Author Share Posted January 8, 2009 It's crap isn't it. I feel like sceaming at them and telling them to mind their own bloody business! If you support him and make him feel good without pressure, he WILL GUARANTEED 100% defend you. He will say, well you haven't seen her lately. She's changed. TRUST ME on this one. If you make too much of a big deal about it to him, you will come accross as controlling and he will ALWAYS take THEIR side over yours. That's from PAST experience. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Yeah I know what you mean. I don't bring it up to him anyway. It's usually when we have had an argument that it comes up and people get involved, that's when I say it's nothing to do with them but I think it all comes down to them only having one side of the story (HIS). Things seem to be good lately though. It's far off perfect and there is work to be done but its pretty good atm. He even brought flowers to my house last night because I am ill and off work, and changed the ice skates he bought me for christmas for a smaller size and brought them back, usually I have to remind him todo things like that. Link to comment
HopeArises Posted January 8, 2009 Author Share Posted January 8, 2009 Yeah I know what you mean. I don't bring it up to him anyway. It's usually when we have had an argument that it comes up and people get involved, that's when I say it's nothing to do with them but I think it all comes down to them only having one side of the story (HIS). Things seem to be good lately though. It's far off perfect and there is work to be done but its pretty good atm. He even brought flowers to my house last night because I am ill and off work, and changed the ice skates he bought me for christmas for a smaller size and brought them back, usually I have to remind him todo things like that. What I do advise is that you let him know that it doesn't make you feel good and then you drop the subject. Don't give a heavy dose of guilt, but make him aware that it doesn't make you feel too special and the change the subject. Allow it to register in the back of his mind and when things are going WELL between you too and he sees his support system, he will be more inclined to defend you in front of them. He may even begin to do this proactively. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 I agree. Thank you for the advice How are you feeling? Still full of the joys of not-quite-yet-spring? Link to comment
HopeArises Posted January 8, 2009 Author Share Posted January 8, 2009 I agree. Thank you for the advice How are you feeling? Still full of the joys of not-quite-yet-spring? I'm feeling pretty good. There is most definitely no signs of Spring where I live and that being Canada! (The Great White North...haha) Link to comment
Pandaman211 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 It's crap isn't it. I feel like sceaming at them and telling them to mind their own bloody business! lol i totally understand. Right when i found out back in September, I was so pissed, that people that I was always nice to wouldn't realize that she was going through a lot (which everyone knew she was with her family), and that things she had potential to tell a one sided story. I won't forget that point in time, I was so frustrated shoefairy, just like you said. At the time I was thinking in my head, why the * * * * do you think you have a place to speak? Were you in the relationship? No. Did I do things for you? no. Did you love me? No. So keep your mouth shut. lol! But thats one thing i guess you can't control, and I'm glad I accepted that and let it go, b/c I would be pulling my hair out if i had not let go. Its one thing for your ex's friend to provide support; its another thing to tell them what to do, or say heavily opinionated statements that may be percieved to be helpful, but in reality can influence someone that is in a state of emotional instability. Unfortunately, most people get way too defensive and overdo the loyalty part, and don't think about this. Link to comment
HopeArises Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 If you're supportive and don't put pressure on your ex, he or she will stand by you. If you FIGHT their support system, you don't stand a chance. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 OOOH I know. I can just imagine his evil mother sitting him down and saying, "now son, she's not the girl for you, I think you know what you have to do". GRRRRRR LOL I bet they all get together over their cauldron cooking up their smelly plans to twist his mind. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 oh did I forget to mention that she is also holding a gun to his head while uttering these words? Link to comment
Pandaman211 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 hahaha! thats funny. I'm happy things are working out well for the both of us though Link to comment
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