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Girlfriend needs time. Won't break up. Still loves me? Help!


xcwbyfanx

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Well me and my girlfriend have been together for almost a year now. Everything had been going great. A few weeks ago she told me that this past year has been the best of her life. We go to the same college, and she lived in a dorm. I have an apartment close to school. She stayed with me every night this semester (without her parents knowing, they are VERY strict and don't even want her at a boy's apartment at all). Recently, she had to transfer schools to continue her nursing degree. She is actually in a nursing school now for the first time this semester (its about 5 minutes away from my school). This is when the problem started.

 

After the semester let out she had to move out because of her transferring. She lives normally a hour away, and it was the holidays so we were going to be rarely seeing each other for awhile. I didn't adapt to this change well so fast, and was really hurting. It was very hard on me. We made plans for her to swing by a couple of hours when she went out apartment shopping (to move closer to here for school). She did, and I broke down on her. I starting crying telling her that I don't know if I could deal with not seeing her like this all throughout nursing school (because it consumes a ton of your time). I was really hurting at the time, and I know it hurt her feelings by me saying that, but I really just wasn't ready for the change yet, I was still trying to process it in my head.

 

Anyways, it really hurt her feelings by me saying that. She told me this, and told me that she needs time to figure things out. That she has a million things going on with her new apartment, nursing school starting this week, her doctors appointments (she has heart problems too), she has to find a job to pay half of the rent or her family won't let her stay, and the holidays, and its really stressing her out and she doesn't want me to hurt because it stresses her out even more, and she can't take all of it right now. I asked her if she wanted to break up until and if she decides she wants to really continue on, and she says thats not what she said, that she just needs time to figure things out. She till tells me she loves me.

 

A few days past, and I tried to give her time to figure things out, and it was so hard for me to do. I ended up being a idiot and texting her kinda pressuring her to answer if she wanted to still be together or not. It just made her angry and frustrated because everytime all she says is "I just need time, thats all im asking for to get things figured out". She says that she isn't questioning our relationship, she just doesn't know if she will have the time for A relationship period. I stopped talking about it with her after it upset her, and eventually she decided to go with me and my family out to eat two nights ago for someones birthday in my family.

 

She came over before we left, and we hugged and kissed and I told her that I love her and miss her, and she told me the same thing. She said she is just confused right now, and stressed. I told her that I loved her, and to understand that I was hurting the other night when I said what I said, and that I would never make her choose between choose things she loves. I told her I would be willing to do anything to make this work because I love her, and I understand that if that means sacrificing time with her, that it will pay off later. I also said ill fully support her on any decision she makes in life, and that if I have to ill help her study or bring her food at work or whenever, even if thats the only way I get to see her. We talked a little while, then ate. After we came back is when I started acting stupid again. She had to get home ASAP after because her cousin was staying with her in her new apartment and she was sick and there alone. I got greedy and told her that I would really like her to stay awhile and talk, but she really needed to go. We ended up talking about the same stuff again, and I asked her to her face again if she really wanted to end it, but didn't wanna hurt my feelings. She still said she isn't saying that, that she just needs time to figure things out, and I can't even give her that. The night ended with us talking about it again through texts, and eventually she told me that she will talk in the morning, that she was tired.

 

So the next morning comes, and I call her before I head into work to talk. We talked about the same thing again, and she told me that if we break up its because I made that decision, not her, that she just needs time. Thats all shes asking for to figure things out. I knew in my heart I had to give her time before I really pushed her away, so I told her I am going to do this for her because I love her, and to take the time she needs. We decided that she would text me if she wants to continue on together, or break it off after she thinks about it. We told each other we love each other, and hung up. Its been a little over a day now, and its so hard for me. I am going to do this though, I have to for her. I plan on giving her a full week, and if she hasn't texted me or called me back to let me know then I dunno what im going to do. Help please. This girl is the love of my life. I'm just looking to stay with her, she is everything to me. Need advice! Thanks!

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I may be telling you what you already know: if she says she needs time, give her time.

 

Your GF is dealing with a lot of stress right now as a result of some significant life changes. Arguing with her, forcing ultimatums, etc. will just add to the stress and will just push her away further. If you love this woman, then you need to do whatever you can to support her. Even if it means the end of the relationship.

 

It is hard to maintain a relationship when you have a very time-consuming job/degree. It takes a vast amount of patience, honesty, trust and understanding from both people. Time together is limited. Plans will be canceled. Communication can be strained. Weekends may rarely be free anymore.

 

I think you need to accept that nursing/career is very important to your GF and that as a result, that she will have less time for you. That doesn't mean you can't have a relationship or that you are any less important to her. But it means you will have to redefine it to accommodate her school/career choice. That means you have to be patient. You have to show her that. You must also demonstrate that you can be happy by yourself, and that you do not _need_ her to make you happy. Being needy and complaining that you are unhappy that she is not around and sulking about will make her feel responsible for your happiness and push her away even more.

 

I speak from experience. If you want the relationship to continue, be as patient as you possibly can be with the realization that your contact with her will be less frequent from now on. If you cannot live with that, or be happy with that, then you need to tell her that and move on from there. But I strongly advise against forcing ultimatums. That never ends well.

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Right, I need to give her time, but how much time is the question? I am thinking I should give her the entire week considering school is starting midweek to think about it and get into the flow of school. If I didn't have a text back or call by the end of the full week then I was going to call or go to her apartment. She emailed me today and told me her phone was messed up, and that her texting isn't working so if i wanted to said something I had to email it. Why would she be telling me this when she knows I plan on giving her time and not talking? Is the a good sign? or bad?

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Right, I need to give her time, but how much time is the question? I am thinking I should give her the entire week considering school is starting midweek to think about it and get into the flow of school. If I didn't have a text back or call by the end of the full week then I was going to call or go to her apartment. She emailed me today and told me her phone was messed up, and that her texting isn't working so if i wanted to said something I had to email it. Why would she be telling me this when she knows I plan on giving her time and not talking? Is the a good sign? or bad?

 

How much time? That is for you to define. It depends on what you can live with. I would give it a few weeks at least but its all about what you can handle.

 

My feeling based on what you've described is that she probably feels a bit trapped in the corner. I believe she wants a relationship and she cares about you, but when you revealed how much it bothered you that you'd be spending less time together and that you weren't sure you could have a relationship under those conditions that it brought up some insecurities with her.

 

My question for you is can you really accept that you will be spending less time together? Can you accept redefining the relationship in this way? You have stated to her that you can, but then only after a few hours you start forcing the issue of breaking up again. You have said you will be as patient as it takes, but you showed impatience immediately after that by asking her to make decisions about your relationship. I mean no disrespect, but you need the actions to back up your words.

 

That is why I suggest you just stop forcing the issue and just give this time. If you cannot talk with her without getting emotional or getting back to this issue, then I think L/C is the way to go.

 

Give it a little while, and if at the end she still has no decision, then you should probably end things amicably and go N/C.

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Why would she be telling me this when she knows I plan on giving her time and not talking? Is the a good sign? or bad?

 

It's hard to say if it's "good", but it's not a bad sign. She's letting you know how to contact her because she knows you might want to or need to. It may just be a matter of courtesy. So I would not try to read too much into it.

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