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looking for any hope.

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So I'm going through my second year at a university and I decided to try something new so I joined a new club sport. well one of the girls on the team is out but doesn’t ‘flaunt’ her sexuality, and I’ve always questioned my sexuality at a young age but now that I know this girl and she is so comfortable with who she is and other people knowing who she is it just makes me want to become comfortable with myself too.


Well about a month into the fall semester I asked her out for coffee, my excuse was to ask her about studying abroad because she did that last spring. We ended up talking for about 2 hours about her trip and got side tracked onto school and family related issues.


Ever since we met for coffee she would always text me instead of the girl in charge of our club practices to see who showed up and if it was worth coming. I haven't really thought of it but recently, the fact that she was calling/texting me instead of the girl she's known a few months longer. Does it mean anything?


After the 'season' ended I would occasionally send her a text, see what she's up to, how her holidays went. Usually I’m the first one to text her but sometimes I get a surprised text from her asking what I’m up to. We made plans to hang out once but those fell through because she got sick and it so happened to be the week of finals and I ended up going home 2 1/2 hours away from school that week. So we never got to hang out yet.


I’m always thinking about this girl even though I don't have a reason to. I hardly talk to her, I’m sure she has no interest in me. I think she may know I’m not completely straight. She’s comfortable with telling me about her ex gf’s. I’m not sure if she's comfortable with telling everyone about them but it makes me feel good how natural she mentions them to me like she knows I won’t judge her.


But I feel like I have false hope. I’m not out. But I am more mature for my age in the way I act and think. The random texts from her are nice to get. But she's also had so much more experience than me, the sport we play is a big close group and it seems like all the guys and girls want to be with her. I mean I am no competition to any of them. I don't match up to this girl in any way. But even if I can't have a relationship with her I still want to get to know her better at least as a friend. When talking to her I feel like we’re old friends, like I can tell her more than any of my other friends and she still remembers simple information from the first conversation we had like how I have 2 older brothers which means she pays attention. She’s always the one in the back of my mind no matter what I’m doing and I can't escape. Maybe I just need somebody to tell me it's hopeless and I can stop thinking about this girl! Do you think there is any hope I should have?


Any insight would be appreciated. Past experiance or just advice.

sorry for the novel

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