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it's all relative, I know age is just a number, but when you back off a bit you'll see what I mean. I'm 21 years old, already older than most college students, which makes sense cause I've only got about 3 semesters left... Yet I feel so sad that it's over before it started. I barely feel like someone my age group... I hardly travel and/or go out with friends... I assume full responsibility for all my actions because I chose to listen to others when they tried to hold me back, but most importantly I listened to my own self when my own inner "demons," so to speak, held me back. Things I've been wanting to do since high school that I figured I'd be able to do in college and I'm still working on them but each passing month I see it's a lost cause (i.e. this band ordeal, lol. It's gonna go nowhere AT ALL haven't even played a live show). I know once I get out I won't be able to, don't try to convince me that I will... I will be "immature" if I do it. I will not have time to do it when I'm working a full-time job I hate.


I'm just so angry, you know? So damn angry that I could very well die tomorrow and I feel I wouldn't be missing out on much. In fact, I'd just be saving myself from a crap load of misery. I know it's never "too late" to do things, but when the world around you is but one huge river and every time you try to swim against the current to find your own way you almost drown, you just don't feel like trying anymore... Maybe I should let the current drag me... Dunno how I'll be happy working a *beep*y 10+ hour a day job, no precious summer vacation and no 3 week break in December for the holidays... Blah...


I tried to be optimistic but I was just lying to myself I guess. I'm feeling down cause I just watched a damn movie where college students where backpacking in Europe and blah blah... and I remember how 2 years ago I saw this type of thing on the tv and it seemed like I'd have an eternity to do this. I'm applying for a summer study-abroad thing for this upcoming summer, but if I get turned down I guess that's it, lol, cause that'll be my last summer in school, after that it's gonna be fall, spring, graduation, real life begins. No more holidays, and especially if I decide to spit on the faces of everybody who's twisting my arm into this field I don't like and go my own way, then I won't be making enough money to do this any time soon within the next, oh, let's say best case scenario 30 years, which is what it took my parents (very hardworking... if it took them 30 years of hardwork to get to this, it'll take me, taking into account that I'll probably love my work if I choose what I truly want but doesn't make very good money 2 times as much) to get into a good enough situation to be able travel and see europe, etc.


I dunno what I'm looking for... Maybe someone who'll tell me I'm wrong... But career advisors would tell me I'm wrong... What they NEVER tell me is how *beep*y the jobs I'll be able to get with my degree are... Best case scenario I'll work as a code monkey for 5+ years... That's 5 years, my early twenties, what's left of my youth, gone coding and working like a mule. Then I'll have to kiss ass and pray and kneel and kiss ass some more and smile while doing it to hope to get a promotion, hopefully, lol. It's what everybody strives for. This all not accounting for all the competition I'll have and all the people who'll backstab me and the ones I'll have to backstab... I don't think I've got what it takes to backstab people and use them as stepping stones... I don't have the stomach. I'm running out of time. I hate college. People said high school wasn't important and blah blah and that graduation just marked the beginning of life not the end... I kinda miss high school, lol. Everything was so much easier and I felt truly young and it seemed like I had so much time to do everything and maybe one day be normal...


I know when it comes to many things, especially regarding my social life (finding a significant other and being less awkward when in social situation), I'll probably be *beep*ed for life with. I could work on them, but I figure between trying to keep a few hobbies, trying to improve my grades (If I pull my gpa up again I'll probably be able to work for google, lol. I heard they've got a real nice set up) trying to figure out what the hell I should do with my life, I won't have much time to go out and learn how to talk to any girl or feel completely comfortable talking to strangers in a social environment. But come on, my dreams? It feels like a branding iron in my brain the thought that I'll have to give up the dreams of my youth cause that's just not the way the world works, lol. I know I won't be able to work with music. I gave up on that A LONG time ago, and I decided I'd keep it strictly a hobby. But it's like, I dunno, lol. If I could do everything all over again I would've probably tried to play more sports as a kid... maybe I'd have a future as an athlete. I've got determination, lol. Just another example of another childish dream gone poof, cause for instance, nobody starting at 21 gets anywhere in that type of thing... everybody starts as a child. What do I know?

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You have all the power in the world to do whatever you want in life, but your attitude isn't going to get you anywhere. I'm 21 too, and have about 3 years left of school cause I've done nothing but F around and change my major three times. Do I give a crap? No. What do I plan on doing with my life? I have no idea, I guess I'll graduate, try to be an architect, and live my days to the fullest. To the fullest. You can't live life thinking that everything is a crock of crap and that nothing you do is ever going to be fun, cause then it won't be. So what if you get a job you hate?....Go find another one. So what if you suck at sports?....Ask a friend to teach you their sport, or go to the freakin store and buy a laccrosse stick and toss a ball around. I don't want to sound rude, but you are incredibly negative, I think you need to start looking at things in a more positive way. There is positive in everything. The greatest thing about life is the fact that you have control over it. Get out there, go do what you want without regrets. Get off your butt and go have fun.

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I don't think I communicate effectively at all either... For example:


So what if you suck at sports?....Ask a friend to teach you their sport, or go to the freakin store and buy a laccrosse stick and toss a ball around.


That wasn't exactly what I meant. I mean, I think I could do anything really. I don't think I "suck" at sports, lol. I'm not a lazy guy, I'm in pretty good shape for an average non-athlete college student. I'm just saying if there were something I wanted to get good at I'd have to do it hours a day like a full-time job, cause 21's no age to start... For instance, I was getting better at playing the guitar those last couple of weeks of school... What happened? I kinda lost focus and even missed a freakin final! Made a C in a class i could've easily gotten an A on. This is what I mean. It is too late sometimes. As for negativity, I just can't be expected to eat a spoonful of crap and smile...


I COULD smile, but it won't be a genuine smile, I'm sorry. No psychology trick or hypnosis will make me feel like genuinely smiling for it... There are no jobs I will love in my field, or pretty much any other, lol. It's not as easy as "getting another job" geez why does everybody say that? It's not like there are infinite types of jobs for all fields out there. I WILL become a code monkey for the first 5-10 years (best case scenario) if I'm gonna work on this field, which is what will happen because it's what I'm getting my degree on and I have no "training" or "education" on anything else.


Nothing is fun to me anymore... I might be depressed. But this is because doing fun things is just running away from my real problems. I do go out with friends, like I said, and go see bands play live and like art, but doing this stuff is just starting to feel like a quick not-very-long-lasting fix. It's a healthy way to do it, beats drugs and alcohol, but it won't solve my problems and I'll still wake up one day at 55 confused with what I've done with my life and where it went and what to do and what I truly want vs. what I am "supposed" to want. It's pretty inevitable. I see it in my father (he hasn't said it but I can tell, believe me. From his behavior and the way he's changed the last couple of years after having several panic attacks) I see it in so many people who already got to that age... I guess I'm scared cause I know it's either getting a very well-paying job I hate and ending up like that or working a modest job that I'll love but will only bring economic comfort in 30+ years... That's 30+ years for me to, for instance, see Europe. I dunno. I've been called negative before but I keep falling into these feelings of despair cause nobody backs that up with evidence... Show me that you can have at least some of both worlds for example (a decent, maybe not as high, paying job that you can love) and I'll believe it and try to change my ways.

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I know what you mean, Stinkweed.


However, Franfran is right.


Not only that - there's no mourning for the past. Just live each day earnestly.


It's not the past. It's the present being so short and the future not looking so good to me... Past is past... Past had horrible times too. Just wish there was more I could do in the present. I don't have time and now not even the energy...


I understand...I'm 26. I feel the whole age thing even more trust me, but like fran fran said the only thing we can do is try to be positive and learn to be content while still striving for the things we desire.


But how can I be content if I know I'll never get those things I desire so much? I just feel like giving up. Instead of going through a normal achieving the goal and getting a new goal cycle, I can't even get to the first one and it looks like it's pointless cause I'll never get there. It's a fight that cannot be won. I would have to have been born in pre-columbian Tenochtitlan's advanced social system to be able to be who I want to be. The world's not like that and it will never be like that again. We're already told we're supposed to dream of working the highest paying 9-5 job getting married and having kids in the suburbs and trying to make as much money as possible even though the only way to make money is doing things that suck unless you get to celebrity status or something, lol.

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Well, for me personally - while there were some good times in the past, there weren't enough good times.


I too am pushed into a field I despise.


And I definitely agree with you that life is too short. There are too many things to learn, and too little time to learn them in.


Vita brevis, ars longa.


What I find really helps is to watch reruns of Nana. It's embarrassing, really - but I love that show.


Has anyone else here watched Nana?

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