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How to get over someone you love but is wrong for you


Supercop

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He actually ended the relationship with me and I'm trying to get over him. I love him very much and we were good friends before anything else. We tried several times to make the relationship work, and for whatever reason, as he tells me he "can't sustain" his feelings for me (whatever that means).

It should be very easy to let go of someone who says that, right? But why can't I?

Trying to go NC, but he reaches out to me by either calling or texting and I can't resist.

I feel like nothing will ever change and the best thing for both of us would be to move on.

Please help

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Elsewhere:

 

To put it very succinctly, he told me that I treated him better than any woman every did, including his mother. At times we had a very loving relationship in all respects; the only problem was after about three or four weeks, or some other random time frame, he would pull away and distance himself. We have been at this for so long, I have to get over this emotional roller coaster. I don't know why I just can't get angry at him, but I'm one of those women who wants to "fix" him, (perhaps because I don't want to look at fixing myself).

My closest friends tell me (and I agree when I have moments of clarity), that we are absolute opposites and I fell into a trap of codependency in my relationship with him. I sort of lost myself. I don't know how I let that happen, other than the fact I had come out of a divorce and was lonely and scared and felt as though I would be alone forever.

I'm reading the book "How to break your addiction to a person" and I'm hoping that helps.

(I don't know if my two years of therapy is helping or not)

It may sound selfish to some, but I'm trying to think about myself and my feelings now because I can't live this way anymore. Each time he tells me the same things. He comes back after a day or two crying, he can't live without me, saying we were meant to be together and all of that stuff. I've even tried to keep things more casual between us, but the negative energy is taking its toll on me.

 

I'm just wondering if anyone has been in my situation.

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supercop, my breakup had some of the same reasons like yours. We were together for 14 months, but we never said those 'I love yous". I know I felt it...I guess I was waiting for him to say it. He's never been in love and he often battled the thoughts of how do you know if you feel it (he's way too analytical). Either way, I was in love with him...but I didn't want to push him to say it. At our breakup I asked him if he ever loved me or thought he did during our relationship...and he said that he didn't think so....that really killed me!! 14 months!! He also told me that we lost the spark and he didn't want to try anymore...

 

He hasn't tried to contact me, but he wants to be best friends still. It kills me that we used to talk about marriage and kids and he told me that he's never liked a girl as much as me....so I don't really understand where everything went wrong

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Supercop: you are describing MY situation!

 

You and I - Cookie I assume that for you as well - are victims of guys who are immature or destroyed emotionally and I guess unable to really fall in love with anybody until they work out their personal issues with past relationships with women in general (including their mothers). It is not their fault - I feel as sorry for them as I feel sorry for us.

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I am absolutely in your situation, only that I'm struggling seriously, and I ended it I'm also struggling with the NC after he only called this morning. I also work with the guy so I'll see him tomorrow, and the next and so on... it's SO hard as I really care for him, and he says he does me too (only when it comes to this mind) he doesn't want it over etc etc. Yet this morning when I spoke to him about it all again and why I felt the way I did he was being 'accepting' of my reasons and said he'd call me later. We were supposed to be seeing each other this evening.

 

Reading your post is like reading somehting I would write, it was an emotional rollercoaster, but it only seemed to be me on that ride. We haven't once argued (it's only been 4/5months) but I've just had ounces of doubt in my mind which has led me to pull away. I just adore the guy and I'm now worried I've done the wrong thing. Yet reading the posts by the person that was misunderstood (sorry I forget the name, Moosie or something) I'm thinking I AM doing the right thing, but I'm just finding it SO hard to be strong!! It's only been since this morning!? And then I'll have to see him at work.

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Supercop: you are describing MY situation!

 

You and I - Cookie I assume that for you as well - are victims of guys who are immature or destroyed emotionally and I guess unable to really fall in love with anybody until they work out their personal issues with past relationships with women in general (including their mothers). It is not their fault - I feel as sorry for them as I feel sorry for us.

 

This is SO like me, just wish I could draw strength from it and stick with it. My cousin has been advising me since I started seeing this guy to not get in to it until he's sorted the issues (with his ex and things) that he's spoken to me about. yet I couldn't help but get involved as I really care for him and wanted to help, and be there incase he did eventually want to commit. Problem was 5 months in he still wasn't even acknowledging me as his gf or that we were in a relationship, even though we both told each other we weren't seeing other people...!? Wish there was a pill you could take to make yourself switch them off!

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elsewhere & supercop,

 

I am trying to heal. my ex was never one for emotions. I do believe he is emotionally immature....however, he has a very loving relationship with his mom and his last relationship had no issues (according to him, they never fought). He ended it because he lost interest....she had pursued him heavily and he figured he'd date her. However, he did pursue me and was very into me for the first half of our relationship. He said he used to get sick of spending time with his ex, but not with me. He doesn't have any other female friends (other than acquaintances) than me....

 

do you really think it's because he just couldn't fall in love due to his own problems??

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elsewhere & supercop,

 

I am trying to heal. my ex was never one for emotions. I do believe he is emotionally immature....however, he has a very loving relationship with his mom and his last relationship had no issues (according to him, they never fought). He ended it because he lost interest....she had pursued him heavily and he figured he'd date her. However, he did pursue me and was very into me for the first half of our relationship. He said he used to get sick of spending time with his ex, but not with me. He doesn't have any other female friends (other than acquaintances) than me....

 

do you really think it's because he just couldn't fall in love due to his own problems??

 

 

I believe that if there are no issues, even an immature person will fall in true responsible love when the right person comes along.

 

Maybe he wasn't honest with you about the ex... Maybe you're not the one... Maybe there are other things on his mind (career, school) that unable him to focus on you...

...there may be thousands reasons why he can consider you "perfect" and not be able to do it at the time

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Update:

 

Strangely enough, he and I had good conversation. (I'm just not good at the NC thing, but my eyes are much more wide open now.)

 

He is a special person that I can't imagine never talking to or seeing again. The book I mentioned in a previous post "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person" was immensely helpful in understanding not only me, but also some of his actions.

 

One thing he mentioned in our talk was what a selfish person he is (I can't say I disagree) and he also acknowledged that he has mood swings, and now I'm thinking he may be on to something there. (Though none of what we discussed has changed my mind that being with him is not right for me.)

 

Anyway, he is in thereapy which I think is a good thing for him, as long as he is honest. I'm hopeful for him because I will never stop caring for him.

 

A dear friend told me once before when he and I weren't seeing each other something that lifts my spirits:

"You know that amazing feeling you feel when you kiss someone for the first time, how you feel when you're first getting to know him......You will get to feel that all over again when you meet someone new." And I have to say, I'm hopeful for that feeling again.

 

All I can say in my situation, I have to trust my gut. I will care about him as long as I'm able, but now is the time to take care of myself first!

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Wow.

 

It's as if all of you are speaking right to me.

 

I'm in the same situation. I know he is not right for me and I know he has nothing to offer me but I for some reason have been afraid to let him out of my life.

 

We were together for 3 years and broke up in May 2008. I went total NC. He contacted me just before Christmas and we've chatted many times, met for coffee and a 3 hour lunch. And then, he propositioned me for sex, saying that we would be great friends with benefits. He apparently hasn't "gotten any" in the last 8 months.

 

I've been wrestling either giving in or kicking him out of my life for good and couldn't bring myself to do until two things happened today:

 

1. I read this post and the comments.

2. I was reminded of something I read on another thread

 

"Don't make someone a priority when they make you an option."

 

There will be no friends with benefits and NC starts again for me. I deserve so much better and there is someone out there who is just right for me.

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