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Curious-is it true that when breakups are civil it's b/c there is no spark and it is really OVER?

dstein

By dstein
in Getting Back Together

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dstein Apprentice

dstein

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I just read this in an advice column and wondered what you all thought about this:

 

Woman asked, "It has been a fairly pleasant, well-mannered, respectful dignified breakup. No screaming, no threats, no burning of the ex's stuff still in the other's possession. And I don't want to ruin everything by turning into some crazy person. But I keep having this strange recurring thought: I feel convinced that we can work this out. And that we really do belong together. Despite him telling me, calmly and clearly, that we cannot "work it out," because it is over."

 

Advice giver responds:

 

"Probably another thing that's keeping you in this limboey place is this: on the one hand, it's delightful and rare and breath-of-fresh-air that you had such a reasonable, rational, civil breakup. On the other, you had no high-drama effigy-burning brush-ashes-from-hands "Well, that settles that!!!!" moment. The water got neither too hot nor too cold; you're still paddling in circles in lukewarm. The other bad news here -- as far as the chance of reunion goes -- is that experts tend to say that when you leave things hot, even "I hate you!" hot, there's still a spark there. For you two, alas ... not so much. And he's not saying "NO!!! NEVER!!!" in a fiery, Moonlighting/Cheers we're-actually-about-to-kiss sort of way."

 

What do you think?

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dstein Apprentice

dstein

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It just bothered me so much to read that! I am in a pretty fresh (he left 11/30, haven't spoken in 17 days) breakup with someone I hope there is a chance with one day...down the road...and have really tried to take the high road to maintain my dignity! I don't want to be the psycho ex, even though I have thought about it! I think I am hoping to hear that civility towards the dumper is a sign of maturity, not a lack of SPARK!

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HopeArises Enthusiast

HopeArises

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I don't agree, because my ex and I had a VERY CIVIL breakup and wanted to remain friends with me, but is now in conflict because us being FRIENDS is making her see that there still ARE feelings there for each other. One can SUPPRESS them, but one cannot hide from them forever.

 

I think the CIVIL and AMICABLE break ups are the best, because the one who wants to get back together can work with this on SO MANY LEVELS. I'm doing it myself RIGHT NOW. Read my thread which is on page one.

 

The person who wrote the article wasn't able to pull it off. That doesn't mean it can't be done successfully though

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dstein Apprentice

dstein

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I don't agree, because my ex and I had a VERY CIVIL breakup and wanted to remain friends with me, but is now in conflict because us being FRIENDS is making her see that there still ARE feelings there for each other. One can SUPPRESS them, but one cannot hide from them forever.

 

I think the CIVIL and AMICABLE break ups are the best, because the one who wants to get back together can work with this on SO MANY LEVELS. I'm doing it myself RIGHT NOW. Read my thread which is on page one.

 

The person who wrote the article wasn't able to pull it off. That doesn't mean it can't be done successfully though

Thanks for the input. I'm guessing it depends on the reasons for the breakup and the personalities of the people involved. We had disagreements, etc, but not big door-slamming, yelling, insult flinging fights. We didn't treat each other that way-not in 4 years! I have to be careful what I believe. Possible reconciliation or not (and I have NO idea if it is possible) I didn't want to have a big "freak out" on him.

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dstein Apprentice

dstein

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Hate is not the opposite of love.

 

Indifference is the opposite of love.

Hmm. Not really talking about 2 people that don't show concern or feelings for each other, just people that don't act out all over the place. Is civility really synonymous with indifference?

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Lights Explorer

Lights

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Hmm, my boyfriend and I never had a messy breakup and we're back together now. It was more of a right thing/wrong time kind of breakup. I feel like that's the thing that made our relationship possible now. I can't imagine we would have stayed in touch or stayed good enough friends to be together now if we would have had really nasty fights or anything like that.

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dstein Apprentice

dstein

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Hmm, my boyfriend and I never had a messy breakup and we're back together now. It was more of a right thing/wrong time kind of breakup. I feel like that's the thing that made our relationship possible now. I can't imagine we would have stayed in touch or stayed good enough friends to be together now if we would have had really nasty fights or anything like that.

Thanks for that. And I'm happy for you. How did that come about?

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Lights Explorer

Lights

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Oh, that you guys reconciled. I'm curious about how people make their ways back to each other, how long it took, who made contact, etc.

 

We never did NC. There was only a few weeks or a month where we didn't talk too often but that was because we were adjusting to not being together anymore. Felt a tiny bit awkward. But then we started hanging out again, and he really did just fall right back into being my best friend. From there, we were broken up for about 2 years and then it just kinda happened. I think we just re-evaluated and it seemed like a good time to try again.

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OrangeMoon Contributor

OrangeMoon

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Hate is not the opposite of love.

 

Indifference is the opposite of love.

 

Exactly...

 

I think the advice giver was right...the less emotional the break up (especially on the dumpers side), the bigger the chance it has been a well thought out proces. Chances for reconciliation are slim.

 

But a break up that is too messy..is not good either. The memory of it keeps you away as well.

 

So what is it all about?

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dstein Apprentice

dstein

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Exactly...

 

I think the advice giver was right...the less emotional the break up (especially on the dumpers side), the bigger the chance it has been a well thought out proces. Chances for reconciliation are slim.

 

But a break up that is too messy..is not good either. The memory of it keeps you away as well.

 

So what is it all about?

Well, I wouldn't call it unemotional. There were a lot of tears and hugs and pain, seemingly on both sides. It was brutal, just not an angry breakup...not any "I HATE YOU's" or stuff like that. It sucked! It still does. I have found some acceptance about it-that it's real and really over-but some days are just really excruciating. It's been about 17 days since we talked, but I will hear from him soon regarding some unfinished business. Have no idea how I will feel when that happens.

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HopeArises Enthusiast

HopeArises

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Exactly...

 

I think the advice giver was right...the less emotional the break up (especially on the dumpers side), the bigger the chance it has been a well thought out proces. Chances for reconciliation are slim.

 

But a break up that is too messy..is not good either. The memory of it keeps you away as well.

 

So what is it all about?

 

Yeah, but what you may deem as being LESS emotional could just be the dumper's ability to NOT show or demonstrate their emotions on the exterior. It doesn't mean they are not there at all. Sometimes they are just below the surface. Many people RUN away from relationships in fear of commitment and getting hurt THEMSELVES.

 

Again, you would have said that my ex was LESS emotional when she left me and that it was a long thought out process and has remained LESS emotional, but the emotions are there (just below the surface). They just hadn't been dealt with. That's the difference. Some people numb themselves and put on a smile, when they are really frowning on the inside.

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Elsewhere Community Regular

Elsewhere

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We never did NC. There was only a few weeks or a month where we didn't talk too often but that was because we were adjusting to not being together anymore. Felt a tiny bit awkward. But then we started hanging out again, and he really did just fall right back into being my best friend. From there, we were broken up for about 2 years and then it just kinda happened. I think we just re-evaluated and it seemed like a good time to try again.

 

Your situation is very interesting! Have you guys been in other relationships during that 2-year "friends period"? If so, have you talked about it and knew the other person's SO? And if so, didn't that hurt?

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Lights Explorer

Lights

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Your situation is very interesting! Have you guys been in other relationships during that 2-year "friends period"? If so, have you talked about it and knew the other person's SO? And if so, didn't that hurt?

 

We never had "relationships". He really didn't have time to date. I tried to date, because I thought it would be the most healthy thing...but hell, I'm madly in love with the guy. I went on a few dates but never had anything more than that with anyone else. I wanted him, or no one.

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