What is a reserved girl to do to be perceived in the right way

[JadedOne]

To make a long story short I have had very little experience in the dating world. I have spent most of my life in school and now working it is difficult to meet people. I tend to be shy and it takes me a while to warm up to people. But I do like to go out. I am currently living in a small town that has no night light for singles. In order to go out I actually have to leave town which I am willing to do on the week end.

 

How do I put myself out there to meet guys? Please do not mention on line dating sites. I have tried one where I actually posted a picture and filled out the information and posted that I am mainly interested in finding someone to hang out with. I like to get to know a guy first. I like to make sure he's someone that I can have fun with. I have gotten responses primarily form guys talking about LTR and romantic dinners. I have assumed that this is just online 'game' because they assume that is what women want to hear. It has totally turned me off to the process. They also mention how cute I am and how that 's a plus and what a beautiful smile I have.

 

I do not like it when guys focus on physicality. What about the personality of a person? I know online they only see the picture and read your profile but still mention something that caught your eye in the profile. I only say this because when I am out I am frequently approached by guys who want to move way to fast and say inappropriate things. One of my guys friends, who unfortunately is now long distance, has told me its because I have a hot little body and he's had to keep guys that he knows away from me ('cause I'm like family) who've been sweating me hard (but according to him in the WRONG way). What is a girl to do?

 

For the record I do not dress in a scandalous fashion. The last time said guy friend came to visit and he brought some of his friends with him I had on jeans and a simple wrap top. We all hung out at his parents house.

 

What should I do to meet decent people and emphasize that I am a nice girl? I only want to emphasize this part because while out for NYE I met several new people- but no potentials. One guy kept emphasizing that he couldn't believe that I was out without my man and where was my man. (I am single.) Then he couldn't believe that I didn't have a man. ("The way you look and with that body. I mean the body's kickin'.) Again I hate it when guys do that because at some point you know that dude is going to see if he can cop a feel. At that point it was my cue to get away from dude.

 

I then talked to another guy who seemed nice enough and I took his number. (I rarely even give out my cell number to new people). I called him on the way home and forgot to block my number (I blame it on the ETOH). After he had the number he called and texted, he texted and he called. At first it was cute and funny. Then he kept wanting me to come see him or for him to come and see me. (I did not know dude well enough for this familiarity). I told him that I did not know him well enough etc I just met him on NYE. I am quiet and may not be as forceful as necessary. He continued calling and texting. I stopped responding and then just had to turn the phone off.

 

Am I possibly giving out the wrong impression? I see women all the time with nice sweet boyfriends, where do these men hang out/live etc? How do I go about meeting one? I am friendly when approached and I do smile and talk to the guy. I admit that men who come on too strongly freak me out. I am becoming Jaded on the entire notion of real genuine relationships even friendships between men and women.

[anonimo]

It sounds like you are on the right track to me.

I actually made the mistake of e-mailing a girl that seemed interested in me about her physicality and it didn't go so well after that, so it's good to hear your perspective. I'm generally not like that though.

 

In any event, I think you sound like you have your head on your shoulders and that you are doing your part. Just continue to be cautious and take things slow. Be careful concerning touch. As soon as I see a girl touching me frequently it sends a message saying I want you when that may not necessarily be the case.

 

Hang in there, it sounds like you're an awesome girl. You can find the right guy out there somewhere.

[Ball Four]

Well, every guy you meet is going to be initially mainly attracted to your looks. Sounds like you need to meet a mature guy. Someone who can mask his main attraction and actually talk to you instead of the "your body is kickin" lol.

 

I suggest maybe going to Barnes & Noble once a week to read something light like a magazine. Light so a guy won't feel bad about interrupting or think you are studying.

 

If you are as hot as people say you should have no trouble meeting a mature guy there.

[relm]

Hhhmmm...what do you like to do for fun? Have you thought about taking a course in something just for fun that way you'll meet someone who has a similar interest. How about church? I am not a religious person, but I know a few friends who have met their quiet/shy significant others in places like that where they were really slow paced and got to know each other well first. Have you told your female friends about the type of guy you are in to? They might know someone and if you let them know you want someone to go slow, who is sweet, sensitive type, etc.

 

Most importantly, remember YOU can set the pace with a guy. Tell them you like them but want to take it slow and easy. I think if you let them know you like them, they'll back off a bit from having to be so...assertive/aggressive.

 

I know lots of guys who love women who are quiet/shy like to take things slow, studious, intellectuals, etc. I find interesting about your situation is you describe wanting to date someone sweet, then it sounds like you have lots of guys coming after you (so you are meeting men), but are alost considering giving up on a relationship. I think there are definitely guys out there who don't mind going slow (some even like going slow). It sounds in some ways like you give up too quickly - you tried one dating site and have swore them off. You are becoming "jaded" on the relationships even friendships between men and women. It also seems like you want to get to know someone before having a romantic dinner with them. If they suggest a dinner, you can suggest coffee instead. That's a great way to just get to know someone. I think you have lots of options that haven't been exhausted yet before you completely write off dating.

 

A question - how do you believe you come accross when you meet someone?

[JadedOne]

Thank you for the helpful replies. Most of the community activities that I have participated in to date (Habitat, swimming etc) have been mostly women or the few men involved were married. I tried an adult acting class and there were a few single men (at least not married but I'm not sure about gf status). We did one exercise where we were going around the room and basically rapidly changing partners that we would walk arm in arm with. (Sorry, I don't remember the exact details.) Anyway, there was one guy that repeatedly grabbed (not gently by any stretch of the imagination) me during this exercise. You guessed it I was trying to dodge him at all cost. In the class there was this cute guy who did smile at me and seemed friendly but never talked to me. He did frequently catch me eye though. But he wasn't a shy guy cause he frequently addressed the class and would banter back and forth with the teacher. I assumed he just wasn't interested in me.

 

I would like to think that I come accross as a reserved but friendly person. Personally I would not call myself hot (and no I am not compliment seeking here). I would describe myself as pretty average. I use to think that guys may think I'm desperate for attention because I may not be as attractive as others and thereforee will accept anytype of behavior.

 

I have had guy friends suggest that I just kind of put myself out there and approach the types of guys that I am interested in. I have held conversations and dropped every hint known to man other than please ask me to go do this. I have talked about activities that I like to do (movies, bowling, beach, amusement parks, Dave and Buster's etc.) that I would love to have someone to go do this with etc. I end up feeling like a fool with my 'face on the floor'. They never ever follow my hints. I don't bounce back well from rejection so it has been a while since I tried this. I am convinced nice guys just don't like me. I swear it feels like I am kryptonite to nice men.

 

I will give the bookstore a try. In the past I have actually used the bookstore for actual studying just like the library. Thanks.

[relm]

I have a friend whose wife loves salsa dancing which my friend hates (he is very clumsy where his wife is pretty much a professional dancer so they look like a parody how they are so mismatched). Anyway, he asked me to come along to keep him company while his wife danced. I was surprised the way some of the men were touching my friends wife, but later I realized what I thought were strangers, were actually just old dancing friends and the partners would switch it up after each dance. I realized the salsa was a group of friends who all knew each other and went to different dancing places once a week. Maybe you could try going to something like that where a friend of yours is there so you would feel comfortable being amongst friends but would be meeting guys who just love dancing and meeting others who enjoy that. It is just an idea but I thought it might be a friendly way to meet some guys.

 

One thing about the bookstore is that in general, it is hard to meet people in bookstores because they tend to be focused more on their books in their private settings rather than in a more social setting. Of course, its worth a try, just from an expectation setting thing you might have better luck somewhere else.

 

You say you've participated in Habitat. What is that??

 

Don't assume the guy who could easilly address the class wasn't shy because he might be if it was one on one or with someone he liked. I have some actor friends and lots of them tell me they are shy or even extremely shy which I am always extremely shocked to hear about because one would never notice. If they like someone that is an entirely different dynamic from speaking to a room where they might be in their element. This is a scenario where you could have maybe asked him out or at least find out if he likes something similar to you and tell him you are going to see/do that if he'd like to come along. He might just need more than a smile/glance to know whats going on. I've been asked out by shy girls before and to be honest, the reason I didn't ask them out first was because I thought I had no chance they were so out of my league. So maybe you are getting some guys who would like you and might be interested but they just aren't asking you out because they don't think they would even stand a chance - good place for you to ask them out.

 

I understand you drop hints, but do you drop mixed messages as well? For example you might tell them you would want to do this thing with them but meanwhile you have closed body language or are sighing (to shy people we understand that is more a nervous reaction but others can see this as boredom). Do you think you come accross that way? Can you give some examples of the type of hints you tell guys and what their reactions are?

 

Do you still have guy friends that you hang out with?

 

I think it is important to understand you have a lot more power in this than you might realize. The good news is it sounds like you are meeting guys you are interested in and just need more exposure and opportunities to meet the right one so don't give up!