'if i had you i would change'

[littlestar]

When someone says this to you who has addictions and a history of bad behaviour, can "The One" really be enough to make them change their ways or when someone says "if i had you i would change" it shouldnt be read into to much?

[JeckyllNHyde]

it shouldn't be read into too much.

they may change for a while. but chances are not for long.

 

then again, there are situations where the guy changes his ways after a new girl "steers" him in the right direction.

I know a guy/man for instance who has been cig and alcohol free for 10 yrs since meeting his wife/gf.

 

I think if he truly wanted the "one" he was saying this stuff to, he'd begin getting his act together in attempts to show her how serious he is..

Of course being with an addict you have to remember it's a life long struggle. Not someting which goes away forever.

[waveseer]

It can work as long as the change comes first and as soon as the old behavior returns it is well understood that you will leave.

[littlestar]

I have always wondered though, when someone says something like that are they changing for themselves for all the right reasons coz they really want to or are they changing because you want them to (and this to me is for all the wrong reasons)

[simply complicated]

I have always wondered though, when someone says something like that are they changing for themselves for all the right reasons coz they really want to or are they changing because you want them to (and this to me is for all the wrong reasons)

 

 

Sometimes it's simply lack of motivation that makes someone stay in their reckless cycle, but once somebody special comes along, it could make a person change for the better, not only for his/her SO, but for themselves.

 

I've done this before for my SO, I did it for me, so I could have her.

[littlestar]

Sometimes it's simply lack of motivation that makes someone stay in their reckless cycle, but once somebody special comes along, it could make a person change for the better, not only for his/her SO, but for themselves.

 

I've done this before for my SO, I did it for me, so I could have her.

 

That sounds fantastic! Good on you for making the change!

[l9grl]

don't fall for it

 

someone serious about changing will do it for her/him self!

[JeckyllNHyde]

the whole aspect of having a history of bad behaviour is what makes me weary..

unless he is serious about making it work.

[simply complicated]

That sounds fantastic! Good on you for making the change!

 

Why thank you I did make changes, but I never told her my motivation for changing was her, I told her after I changed, and only because when you tell someone something like "if I had you I would change", it's just adding alot of pressure on that person, and could be kind of a turn off.

[littlestar]

the whole aspect of having a history of bad behaviour is what makes me weary..

unless he is serious about making it work.

 

This is what made me weary as he said he tried changing in the past for other girls he was with and then he said "it worked for a while and then i went back to being who i always was"

[littlestar]

Why thank you I did make changes, but I never told her my motivation for changing was her, I told her after I changed, and only because when you tell someone something like "if I had you I would change", it's just adding alot of pressure on that person, and could be kind of a turn off.

 

You're an absolute champion! She is lucky to have you!

[whes]

I'd be quite wary, because what they are saying is that they will change IF they had you. They won't bother otherwise, which means they won't change on their own and they don't want to. And that also puts impetus on you to encourage this change, because what if you believe what they are saying, get together with them, and then suddenly they change their mind? If there was a history of bad behaviour, I would DEFINITELY need to see the change before being with them, not taking it as a given that they will change after we get together.

[simply complicated]

I'd be quite wary, because what they are saying is that they will change IF they had you. They won't bother otherwise, which means they won't change on their own and they don't want to. And that also puts impetus on you to encourage this change, because what if you believe what they are saying, get together with them, and then suddenly they change their mind? If there was a history of bad behaviour, I would DEFINITELY need to see the change before being with them, not taking it as a given that they will change after we get together.

 

 

I can understand being a bit cautious and defensive, but it all depends, it's not like their getting married, it's just going out. And when he says he has a history of bad behaviour...well, so does every guy I know, including myself, it happens, by bad behaviour, if you mean like he's a serial killer or something, then run..lol..but just because someone has made a few bad choices in life doesn't mean they don't deserve a chance, especially when they are conscious of their ways, and are willing to change.

 

LittleStar - All I can say is, if you like the guy, or are interested in any way, give him a shot, if he doesn't change his ways, or he's relying on you too much, then leave him. It's the only way you'll know, assuming you want to even go that far with him.

[Seymore]

My ex said she'd change. Said it more than a few times. After I finally ended it she claimed she wanted the help, for her and not for me (after I had said she can't change for me). I felt like I was hearing what I wanted to and not what she believed, especially after her having said "this is the way I am" during our last fight. I suppose time will tell, but she's had a history of her bad behavior that probably stemmed from abuse as a child. She was getting help for a year (she had been going most of that time before she met me) until she quit. She told me then that it was a waste of time, but her story changed last week when I broke up with her - that's when she said she had thought she had gotten better. I couldn't believe that, because about a month or so before she quit seeing a psychologist, she lost it on me and I said she needed help. She responded by quitting a month later.

 

I think she felt that since she had me to stick around and take her crap that getting help was a waste of time and money. I mean, what's the point then, right? That's how I finally understood that if she is going to get help, I can't be there, because I won't let that happen to me or her again. What really sucks is that should I ever have to explain that to her (should I hear from her again), I know she won't understand.

[littlestar]

We were together for a sometime and then we split but we remained good friends, he did say in this time he was going to start making changes, i was ok with this, but i told him not to do it for me he had to do it for himself and there was no promise on my end just coz he changes that we would get back together.

 

A few days later my friend and i were going out intending to have a coffee at our usual coffee shop, i asked him to come along and he agreed. We went to the coffee shop bu they were shutting early so we walked a bit up the road to the pub - i decided i didnt want a coffee there and settled for a diet coke, my friend asked for the same and he asked for scotch and coke (now part of him changing was to give up the alcohol) i didnt say anything when he orderd it but i think he could tell by the look on my face i wasnt impressed. Then he said "well we're not together anymore so it doesnt matter does it?"

 

And i replied with "that's exactly right" he then went on to have another scotch and coke. Then he had the nerve to blame me and say "well you told me we were going to a coffee shop and you bring me to a pub what do you expect?"

 

Now was i really to blame here? He didnt HAVE to have alcohol, pubs serve other drinks non alcoholic.

 

So much for him changing huh?

[littlestar]

He blamed you for his lack of control.

 

In his mind it was YOUR fault because you went to a pub.

 

This is NOT a man who has accepted his addicitions and wants to improve himself for himself.

 

He can't do it for you, that will never happen. He needs to do it for him, to have you.

 

I did think of what you said about him blaming me for his lack of control but then i did feel a little guilty taking him to the pub without even thinking that alcohol was part of him problem, it didnt occur to me until later i might be partly to blame.

 

At first he was keen to change to have me. I wouldnt settle for that, then we split and he said he was going to change for himself and if he won me in the end that would be a bonus.

[Lights]

I think he should make changes before being with you, to show you he is serious and that he can do it. I don't think he should use it as a way of getting you to be with him, if you can be the one hurt and let down if he doesn't follow through.