HopeArises Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 So, that is the mindset I had when meeting with her for the 6th time (since the breakup) tonight. I thought this was going to be just another meeting of the FORMER couple where one ONLY wants to be friends (HER) and the other MAY be interested in more (ME). I didn't expect for things to take the TURNS and TWISTS they did. I encountered her WALL and guess what, in that SOLID BRICK WALL I realized that there is a little keyhole and so, I started to turn it ever so gently and the wall came down and SURPRISE, we had a BREAKTHROUGH. It's hard to explain what really happened and HOW it happened, but I got through to her. After 5-6 hours when I told her we should call it a night, I KNEW that she couldn't hide from her feelings. The "JUST FRIENDS" was no longer a useful tool she could use anymore. She knew it and I knew it. What we are now faced with, are that we BOTH still have feelings for each other (romantic, sexual) and she is in a MAJOR conflict as a result. She said during dinner tonight that she has a dialogue in her head. I asked her what the dialogue was. She told me that the dialogue is telling her that she is REALLY enjoying herself with me and it feels like we've never gotten along THIS well EVER. I said in a joking way, so the date is a success then. I said come on, let's call it what it is: A DATE. She didn't deny it. I smiled and so did she. She kissed me goodnight ON THE LIPS and said she'll call me tomorrow. She is probably more confused THAN EVER, seeing how great we've been together for the last 5 weeks. There is NO denying that. WOW, she must feel guilty for feeling GREAT about our night, after having convinced herself that we would NEVER be again. This is a toughy. Link to comment
Lights Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Well - congrats. I hope it works out how you want it to, whatever that means for you. Sometimes not having the title on something takes away the pressure, and allows you to remember the things you like so much about each other. Link to comment
HopeArises Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 Well - congrats. I hope it works out how you want it to, whatever that means for you. Sometimes not having the title on something takes away the pressure, and allows you to remember the things you like so much about each other. I'm feeling confident. What I feel now, is that she can run, but she can no longer hide. She sees the changes I've made. She sees how much better we get along as a result. We laughed so much tonight and even when we had more INTENSE conversations, it felt light. So, this is the same girl that said "we're just friends" and she knows that after tonight, that we're being great friends, but this is more than just friends. She can call it whatever she likes, but the proof is in the pudding. I know now that she is probably even more confused. She's now going to have to face herself and her DECISION and her SISTERS who don't even know she was with me tonight. They wouldn't approve. If they could only see me and US now. What to do? What to do? Link to comment
Lights Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 I was "just friends" with my ex for 2 years after we broke up. Now we're coming up on 7 months back together and we're happier than ever. Time apart did wonders for us. Link to comment
Sturmhouse Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Damn. I love hope like this. Link to comment
Sturmhouse Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Like you getting back together after two years and it working, and like HopeArises story of just playing it cool and acting counter intuitively and it working. It's so hard to do, but I'm a salesman I think I can pull it off! Link to comment
Maverick212 Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 congrats my man, i had such high expectations for you tonight and you didn't disappoint. great news, you got through the iron curtain that she had up and brought her to her true feelings. i was wondering all day how your date was going. How'd you do it? what was the recipe for the success you had? Link to comment
HopeArises Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 Like you getting back together after two years and it working, and like HopeArises story of just playing it cool and acting counter intuitively and it working. It's so hard to do, but I'm a salesman I think I can pull it off! Thing is, I wasn't selling her on any NEW and GREAT idea/concept/product. I was being REAL. I was being honest without the desperation. This forced her to be real with me and then things started taking off in a VERY positive way. She's no longer ruling US out. I know that now, but this is where it gets tough. Now her conflict is REAL and she has REASON to QUESTION her decision. How does it look to others and to herself if she were to go back on it in time? Link to comment
Lights Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Like you getting back together after two years and it working, and like HopeArises story of just playing it cool and acting counter intuitively and it working. It's so hard to do, but I'm a salesman I think I can pull it off! Yeah, I'm sure you can Our relationship was never a fairy tale. There was a lot of great times, and a lot of times where I felt like it was never going to happen. But I pretty much went against everyone's advice and waited for him, and he hit the point where he matured to a different level about relationships. Link to comment
Lights Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Thing is, I wasn't selling her on any NEW and GREAT idea/concept/product. I was being REAL. I was being honest without the desperation. This forced her to be real with me and then things started taking off in a VERY positive way. She's no longer ruling US out. I know that now, but this is where it gets tough. Now her conflict is REAL and she has REASON to QUESTION her decision. How does it look to others and to herself if she were to go back on it in time? That's great, hope. It sounds to me like she may have been regretting or questioning things all along, but you found a way to bring that out in a way that she couldn't really avoid it. Link to comment
Sturmhouse Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Thing is, I wasn't selling her on any NEW and GREAT idea/concept/product. I was being REAL. I was being honest without the desperation. This forced her to be real with me and then things started taking off in a VERY positive way. She's no longer ruling US out. I know that now, but this is where it gets tough. Now her conflict is REAL and she has REASON to QUESTION her decision. How does it look to others and to herself if she were to go back on it in time? Well I don't mean to sell her on a new me...I just have to put my best face forward (When that face truly isn't available) and sort of hide what I'm REALLY feeling in lieu of following her lead...I can't talk as if I have the upper hand, that's a hard thing to do when you have emotions running so high. Link to comment
Sturmhouse Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Yeah, I'm sure you can Our relationship was never a fairy tale. There was a lot of great times, and a lot of times where I felt like it was never going to happen. But I pretty much went against everyone's advice and waited for him, and he hit the point where he matured to a different level about relationships. Were you the dumper or the dumpee? I hope my girl waits for me to do the same. I should have been more attentive, and will be from now on. Link to comment
Elsewhere Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Good to hear that! That makes your advices even more credible But let me now advice sth to you: right now when she is confused: give her time. Don't take advantage of the confusion and the fact that she is strongly attracted to you. Let her want it consciously for herself. Link to comment
Lights Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Were you the dumper or the dumpee? I hope my girl waits for me to do the same. I should have been more attentive, and will be from now on. I was the dumpee. LOL Link to comment
HopeArises Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 Good to hear that! That makes your advices even more credible But let me now advice sth to you: right now when she is confused: give her time. Don't take advantage of the confusion and the fact that she is strongly attracted to you. Let her want it consciously for herself. PLEASE don't tell me to go into NC ....joke. Link to comment
HopeArises Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 That's great, hope. It sounds to me like she may have been regretting or questioning things all along, but you found a way to bring that out in a way that she couldn't really avoid it. Please elaborate on this if you can. Link to comment
HopeArises Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 congrats my man, i had such high expectations for you tonight and you didn't disappoint. great news, you got through the iron curtain that she had up and brought her to her true feelings. i was wondering all day how your date was going. How'd you do it? what was the recipe for the success you had? Hey Mav, that means A LOT to me that you were thinking about me today. Maybe you sent me some good vibes ..haha. To answer your questions. Well, to be honest, I took a step back when with her and I observed things through almost like a neutral perspective. I saw what was happening without taking offense to it and as a NEUTRAL party, I called her on it in a NON-OFFENSIVE manner and because I was real (without the pointing the finger at her), she was FORCED to be real back with me and she was. She likes the changes I've made. I like the changes I made and as result, she can't help but let go slowly. Every time her wall goes up, I smile and she knows why. She knows what she's doing and now she knows when she's doing it. She sees that I have patience, but she's also starting to realize that MAYBE just MAYBE she doesn't need that wall up there so high. I'm no longer giving her a reason to have it there and she knows this and it's almost as if she's realizing that it's silly that she PUSHES me away. All she does when she does this is pushing away PLEASURE and denying herself of it. When she gives in we have an EXCELLENT time and tonight was proof of that. She's warming up BIG TIME. HOWEVER, now is the hard part. Now is time for the conflict. She made a decision at the end of November and how the heck can she go back on it. Her support system would NEVER support her. All I can continue to do is the be the guy I've been lately and not put TOO MUCH pressure on her, but at the same time, I'm no longer Mr. Silent. No need for that. When there is something to say or call her on, I do it and I think she respects that as long as it is done in a kind way. Link to comment
Pandaman211 Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Great job buddy. I'm proud of you, you've come a long way, from your doormat thread, when I told you to keep your head up and play it cool, calm, collected, and confident, and thats exactly what you did. Most importantly, you were yourself. That line about calling it a date, smooth my man. You sound like me . But lets not get ahead of ourselves. You don't change anything now. SHE has the confusing questions to deal with, she has the internal conflict about you, she KISSED you on the lips. You just moved from the backseat to the passenger side, but she still hasn't told you she wants you to drive, so don't pressure her into it. Oh, shes tired, she wants you to, but until she does, you're still enjoying the scenery and giving her directions. I know you already know that, but I've been here to support and help you reinforce things, and thats you need. Another thing: try not to get TOO excited about this. I know my post so far isn't helping, lol, I'm just excited for you. But make sure that you look at this as a positive step, and nothing more. Try and sizzle the excitement down by tomorrow, because remember, like I said, women will catch onto things. If you guys hang out tomorrow and you're waaayyy too enthusiastic and excited, she will assume that your emotional state of mind is dependent on what happens between you, and that will turn her off. Even the slightest change of attitude/reaction, she will pick on. So remember, keep up what you're doing, it got you here, and though this looks promising, don't overanalyze it too much. Link to comment
Sturmhouse Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Hope, can you give me just a little backstory? I know you have a bunch of other threads on here...but what was the situation of your relationship? What was the problems cited for the break up, and what was your immediate reaction? How long had you been NC? What were your first steps to getting her to warm up again? Did you make any crucial mistakes immediately after the breakup that you had to compensate for? Link to comment
HopeArises Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 Hope, can you give me just a little backstory? I know you have a bunch of other threads on here...but what was the situation of your relationship? What was the problems cited for the break up, and what was your immediate reaction? How long had you been NC? What were your first steps to getting her to warm up again? Did you make any crucial mistakes immediately after the breakup that you had to compensate for? We dated for 8 months. Throughout this time I wasn't acting independent enough. I was too needy, clingy, controlling, critical and judgmental with her. This drove her away to the point that she tried leaving twice, but she couldn't go through with it at that point. What I have NOW learned from HER PATTERN is that she RUNS away from problems, rather than trying to work on them to make things better. Anyways, what happened was that she was away for a week on vacation and during this time I acted the fool. I called/texted her incessantly. I accused her of doing things she didn't. She has enough. When she came back, she ended it with me. My first reaction was to act accepting and I told her I understood how I made her feel and didn't blame her for leaving me. I was supportive and as a result she accepted to see me. It went well. We saw each other the following week and it was even better than the last. During the time I had/have been working on MY issues (seeing a psychologist, running/jogging daily) and this became evident in when we saw each other. So, we saw each other a third time (even better than the last) and then a forth time (this is where she brought up the "friendship" tip. I let it go. We saw each other a 5th time last Sunday (she brought up the friendship tip again). Today was the sixth time we saw each other and the "friendship theme" was no longer being put in my face. What was being put in HER face was the fact that we were having a great time together on a Saturday night and it felt like a lot more than JUST friends. This was a breakthrough. NO IDEA where it can and will go from here, but that's the breakdown in a nutshell. Link to comment
Lights Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Please elaborate on this if you can. Well...sometimes people act on an impulse to break up, or they make a decision and then their feelings change very soon after. Sounds to me like maybe she realized that it wasn't what she wanted - but didn't want to come to you and tell you that. And so she may have pushed it into the back of her mind convincing herself that it was the right choice for you two to not be together. Meanwhile, hanging out with you and remembering her feelings for you made it not so easy for her to forget and deny those things. Again, I don't know her. So I'm just speculating, but it's another standpoint. Link to comment
HopeArises Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 Well...sometimes people act on an impulse to break up, or they make a decision and then their feelings change very soon after. Sounds to me like maybe she realized that it wasn't what she wanted - but didn't want to come to you and tell you that. And so she may have pushed it into the back of her mind convincing herself that it was the right choice for you two to not be together. Meanwhile, hanging out with you and remembering her feelings for you made it not so easy for her to forget and deny those things. Again, I don't know her. So I'm just speculating, but it's another standpoint. Nah, that's not what happened. She didn't end it on impulse. It was building up in her over time. Her feelings didn't really change soon after. What's affecting her feelings is the way I've been with her SINCE we broke up. It's changing her entire perception of me and she's being forced now to rethink your initial decision to end it for good. I do appreciate your opinion thought Link to comment
Lights Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Nah, that's not what happened. She didn't end it on impulse. It was building up in her over time. Her feelings didn't really change soon after. What's affecting her feelings is the way I've been with her SINCE we broke up. It's changing her entire perception of me and she's being forced now to rethink your initial decision to end it for good. I do appreciate your opinion thought Well - that's really honorable of you if you made changes after your breakup. It has obviously shown her that you are willing to adjust certain things and take notice of her feelings. That shows a lot of character and I'd definitely appreciate it too if I was her. Link to comment
HopeArises Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 Well - that's really honorable of you if you made changes after your breakup. It has obviously shown her that you are willing to adjust certain things and take notice of her feelings. That shows a lot of character and I'd definitely appreciate it too if I was her. Enough to want to start over with me? That's the million dollar question . She's gone from I don't want to be with you ever again, to I wouldn't rule out the possibility of that happening. Tonight she was made aware of for the first time that maybe she needs to work on HERSELF as well before I would consider getting involved with her again, because if only one person changes, the same problems will occur again. Food for thought. Link to comment
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