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Difference between insecurity and "following your gut"


Deadly222
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What's the difference between following your gut instincts about a person or just being flat out insecure?

 

I ask because lately with this girl I've been getting gut instincts that she's lying to me or just using me kind of.. but really theres no reason for her to do that. We have hung out almost everyday for the past two weeks (we have been seeing eachother for almost two months). I just don't know if I'm being insecure because in my last serious relationship I got cheated on or if instinctively I know something.

 

Example of something that I think she's lying about....

 

A couple of days ago I went out with a couple friends and was texting her back and forth for a while and i ended with a question and didn't get a response. When I got home I said goodnight and she texted me back that i should stay up for another 20 minutes so she can call me. So i waited and talked to her... asked her what she did and she said she stayed home all night and talked to her friend on the phone... then like 2 minutes later said that she left her cell-phone upstairs somewhere so she missed my text (as sort of an excuse when i didn't even ask her about it)

 

I don't know a couple more petty things like that happened but like I said... I don't know if I'm being insecure or following my guy. I'm sure there's a question in here somewhere that someone can help me out with lol... I'm kind of all over the map Thanks a lot!

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i read the book, 'the gift of fear' which is a really excellent book. he talks a lot about using your instincts. he talks about interviews with people where they talk about their 'gut instinct' but when he REALLY presses them for details, it turns out that it's not just a 'funny feeling', but there were behaviors/actions that the other people took that made them know that person wasn't right. i think our subconscious picks up on things that our conscious brain doesn't, and that's how the 'gut feeling' manifests itself.

 

i bet if you took some time, you could come up with concrete examples of why this girl has given you reasons to be insecure.

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another example i heard (though not in the book) was let's say you are at your gf's parents' house for dinner, and they ask how she likes the xmas present they bought her. she told you earlier she hated it. but, she doesn't want to be rude to her parents, so she tells them, 'i love it', but at the same time, touches her ears or her nose (what's called in poker a 'tell'.) maybe it's something instinctive that she does when she is lying. you don't notice this consciously, but it can be often times, when she is holding something back, she touches her ear.

 

then you ask her what she did the night before, and she says, 'i went to my sister's house' and touches her ear. you don't know exactly why, but something tells you she isn't telling you the truth (because your subconscious has picked up the ear thing).

 

my 2 cents....

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i think the better question is "what's the difference between a gut-feeling and a paranoid feeling?"

 

because you KNOW if you're an insecure person, it will show in all areas of your life.

if you're just insecure, you would think "this person will definitely cheat on me because i am not good enough." if you're paranoid, you would think "this person is definitely cheating on me no matter what evidence i have to the contrary." if you are following your gut, then you would think "something that they're saying/doing just doesn't seem quite right, i have a feeling that they are not being trustworthy/honest."

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do you get gut feelings about other things? how reliable have these feelings been in other situations?

 

do your friends like her? does your family liker her? is anyone else getting any gut feelings or vibes about her?

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Thanks for all the responses it really helped a lot! Typically my gut feelings have always been right in the past... I can only think of a few times I was completely wrong about a situation, but this is my first serious relationship in about a year after being cheated on so trusting somebody has come to be more difficult for me now. In response to l9grl, my family and friends do like her and aren't really getting any bad vibes from her, but then again they don't know her that well either.

 

I think Kaoticbaby's response was very helpful in confirming the difference between a paranoid eeling and a gut feeling. I definitely know that I'm not insecure, but it could be a possibility that I am demonstrating some sort of paranoid feelings along with some of my gut feelings. Maybe my gut feelings are leading to more paranoid feelings though haha if that makes any sense.

 

Annie 24 I really liked your response and I found your examples to be very beneficial. I have been able to come up with some concrete examples of why she is making me feel insecure and that was very very helpful

 

Whowinsdares, I have been where you were too trust me. I have not been able to read the whole story yet but I will soon. The last relationship I was in the woman I was seeing was living with me, only to find out that she had been seeing her ex-boyfriend the last two months of our relationship. But that's the past and this is now and you asked a lot of good questions so I'll try to explain most of my situation as briefly as I can right now.

 

OK... it hasn't just been two weeks its been 2 months... and about a month in our status was "together" but not exclusive. She just ended things with her boyfriend (kind of for me because we had been talking online for about a month before this (we were friends when we were kids...drifted apart and started talking again)). So to make things short when I'm with her everythings great... but when I'm not she still talks to her ex all the time on the phone (she doens't lie about that though) and somethings just don't add up. On new years she told me she has been waiting for me to ask her out officially... but she told me not to do it then cuz it would be "tacky"... then I brought it up the next day and she clearly changed the subject right away. The next day was the example from the first post and yesterday we talked a little bit but she told me her phone was dead so she'll talk to me later. I didn't get a text til like 330 this morning saying she can't wait for today (were hanging out today) and her phone just started working. Now today she's been texting me all day and is all excited to hang out.

 

All in all, I'm pretty sick of the games she's playing and how things just aren't adding up. My problem is I really don't know how to bring the issues I have up with her without saying a ridiculous statement like "Hey be committed to just me or were done" type deal... I don't know lol.. any suggestions?

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I don't know, but the picture you paint really doesn't feel right.

 

I think that you should talk to her about how it bothered you that she brought about the commitment subject and then dismissed it as unimportant, and how it bugs you when she says she'll call and she plays dead for hours, and all the rest that is bugging you. how she reacts to that talk can also tell you how much is she really into this relationship, and hopefully shed some light over your clouded heart.

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Hey there, thought I would add my opinion in because I asked this very same question a while back. I think you are feeling insecure because of the past, but also because your girl is still talking to her recent ex. It's good that she is being honest about it but that can make you think that something else is going on. Perhaps you need to talk it out with her and figure out where you stand. It would be good to do this in person though. When I get insecure I chat to my boyfriend about what I'm feeling. And he can usually point out where these feelings are coming from and reassure me that I'm being insecure. Or if there is a problem then we try to solve it together.

 

I'm sure your girlfriend wouldn't mind sitting down and talking with you about where your relationship is going. Maybe ask how she feels about her ex, since she got with you not long after they broke up.

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I don't know if anyone mentioned this....

 

but maybe she was talking on a landline and DID leave her cell phone upstairs?

 

That is quite possible.

 

I've seen so many people always jump to the worst conclusion (I am just as guilty as anyone and have done it way too many times). There is so much cheating and dishonesty out there it's hard not to think about it. Especially if you have been cheated on in the past or are insecure in any way - it's natural to be paranoid and it's easy to see the worst in someone's actions - where the truth could be as innocent as she did leave her cell upstairs.

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That is quite possible.

 

I've seen so many people always jump to the worst conclusion (I am just as guilty as anyone and have done it way too many times). There is so much cheating and dishonesty out there it's hard not to think about it. Especially if you have been cheated on in the past or are insecure in any way - it's natural to be paranoid and it's easy to see the worst in someone's actions - where the truth could be as innocent as she did leave her cell upstairs.

 

Yes exactly. A number of good points here.

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Havent' heard from my bf in 12 hrs. Have asked the very same question on ENA - insecurities v gut instinct.

 

I wonder if there is a correlation between a relationship that is unbalanced which would make one person start to feel insecure resulting in their gut instinct telling them to get out.

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I have been honest with him from the start - he knew I had applied to emmigrate when we started dating, but I hadn't anticipated that my application would be processed as quickly as it was.

 

His 12hr disappearance was none other than letting his hair down and taking his mind off everything.

 

He admits to being a procrastinator, to being laid back, and being unable to make decisions - I am guilty of being unable to make this particular decision myself (shall I stay or shall I go?).

 

On paper we seem to want the same things from life, and yet we have hit this wall in the relationship.

 

Because of what happened on the holiday I have been questioning whether he is the right guy for me. I wanted to continue dating to see whether there was indeed a pattern of his behaviour (which changes when other single women are around). It made me question whether he really was ready for marriage. He then went on to say that he still thinks like a single man which cast further doubts in my mind.

 

I'm not sure why you think my logic on this is twisted?

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its because you are making reference to things you say in a way so as to suggest I have heard from you before, or talking to you before, you sound to me as if you assume a certain familularity with readers here like I should know what you are talking about, are you well known on here or something?

 

OK - I shouldn't assume you are aware of my situation and yes, I do have a number of threads on this site that a lot of ENA'ers have read and have responded to.

 

Are you referring to a story you have told on another thread?

 

Yes

 

Because your original statement, was that you wondered if there was a correlation between gut feelings, and the legitimacy of having them, now you are expanding into a full blown discussion in reference to your own life, where is the connection and the justification for doubting peoples gut feelings?

 

I guess I am not sticking to the point, but thinking aloud and so relating what my initial comment was to my own situation.

 

Where do you stand personally on speaking the truth in relationships, in direct correlation to stating uncategorically whether you have been faithful or not, or genuine towards your partner, and HOW EXACTLY does that relate to your questions re you boyfriend

 

In my late teens early 20s I wasn't always truthful or even faithful in relationships, I would date maybe 2 people at the same time. Wasn't thinking about settling down, just wanted to live life to the full. I had 2 serious relationships up until the age of 29.

 

In the relationship I am in now - where the possibility of marriage had been on the cards - read my thread "doubting, doubting", you will see how things dramatically changed in the relationship when we were on our first holiday and how things have developed since. See my thread "Can this relationship survive?".

 

I think my bf tell me what I want to hear but doesn't follow through with actions. I don't doubt he wanted to marry me, but then to admit "I still think like a single man, I have been single for 7yrs until we met and am out of practice" [N.B and he thinks he is ready for marriage??], and he also acted like a single man on our first holiday. What I am saying here is what he says and does are two different things. He is not consistent.

 

The opportunity for me to emmigrate is a reality now with approx. 4 months left until I receive the permanent residency visa. This has put pressure on the relationship as my bf is unsure about this even though he expressed his desire to go with me wherever in the world we ended up from the start of the relationship. Working and living abroad is a major step for anyone. He was apparently committed enough to get married to me, but see the threads I have referred to above. Now, he isn't so keen on sharing this with me.

 

And I think your logic is twisted, because you seek to continue a discussion, and ignore the questions put to you in my previous post, like HOW exactly does your boyfriend come fail to come up with the goods? in a way which is outside of, and apart from communication: ite twisted you ignore those questions, and consider it valid to discus other aspects of your relationship in a way that assumes I am fully aquainted with them.

 

I think "twisted" is a bit of a strong word to use if you are implying that I am screwed up or something?! The last 3 months haven't been easy - quite the opposite. However if you mean that I have not put forth a logical argument, then I agree - just saying whats on my mind

 

Please address my questions, to ascertain you indeed are genuine in clarifying your position, which you continue to be vauge about, in a way which seems to be deliberate: and veiled in emotional sympathy obliginging speach

 

I am NOT trying to be vague as you put it or dililberately hide things. Not at all - refer to my previous threads and decide for yourself.

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Thanks whodareswins -

 

I agree that love can be blind, but my eyes are wide open and I can see.

 

I am still pursuing my dream, he is following me and we will see what happens. The fact is I will be where I want to be and it will be interesting to see how the relationship goes.

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Always trust your gut.

 

A lot of time insecure people don't trust their gut instincts, let themselves get talked out of their feelings, and later on down the road end up kicking themselves for it.

 

If you've been cheated on before... I'd say it's even more reason to listen to your gut, because you've probably ignored it before.

 

Who knows what your gut is telling you? It might not be that she's using you or cheating on you - but either way something is off. I mean, you can stick around to find out what it is....

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