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I think I have been losing the will to succeed day by day, week by week, month by month. My desire to succeed in anything is much less now than it was 6 months ago.


I have no desire to succeed as far as keeping myself in good health or bettering my education or even bettering my personal relationships. I've stopped nurturing everything. My car is the only exception. I've decided to just let everything else fall apart and take its natural course.


A good example of this was just earlier today. I was cooking dinner for my parents. I decided to take the initiative to cook dinner for them since they've been gone most of the day. I wanted to surprise them with a special meal when they got home.


The thing is I didn't even eat any of my own cooking. I had no desire to. After I finished cooking I rushed into my car and drove down to mcdonalds and ordered 2 large fries and a large coke. That was my dinner. I ate it all in 20 minutes and then went to the mall for a little bit.


I eat mcdonalds fries like every other day during my lunchbreak at my workplace. But today as I was eating it really hit me that I just did not care how much this trash I was eating was poisoning my body.


I came back home and yeah my mom was already home and the first thing she did was thank me for the meal. Then I proceeded to clean the pan that I used to cook dinner with. After I finished that I got back on the internet.


Most days I just feel emotionally numb. The holiday season of 2008 & new years really wasn't a big deal to me anymore like it used to be. Maybe these are all signs that the Lord is getting ready to call me home. I don't know. I hope so.


Most everyone is quick to suggest therapy or counseling or medication. I don't want anything to do with any doctor that is in the business of treating my emotions. I think a doctor is only good for physical illnesses.


I know that if I went on medication for my emotions I would not be the real person. It would be superficial. I don't want to manifest anything other than the real me.


The real me is disconnected from family & friends in the offline world. I don't talk much to them anymore. It's gotten so bad that earlier this week I canceled plans with a friend at the last minute all because I just all of a sudden didn't feel up to leaving the house.


I've gained a few pounds over the holidays but you know what I don't really care. As long as I can still fit in my pants and I don't have to buy any bigger ones then I'm not going to be concerned about gaining a few pounds.


It's like I've just let everything go and I have no determination whatsoever except to let the rest of my life rust out and go to waste. Maybe I'm meant to do that.


Just maybe it is God's will to make me weaker and weaker for a season. Just maybe it is God's will that I remain trapped in my addictions for the time being.


Afterall if I became too successful in life then I'd probably be tempted to get more self righteous & puffed up with pride than I already am. So maybe the Lord is purposely setting up roadblocks for me to fail as a means to humble me.


If I ever do succeed at anything I don't want to become proud of my accomplishments. I want to give all the credit and glory to God.

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What caused you to lose this will to succeed in life? What was your downfall?


Well it all started with my brother's death by suicide over 11 years ago. Then I went through 4 long term relationships. The 4th one lasted 4 years. That breakup hurt the most. We broke up many times during that 4 year relationship.


I'm in a LDR with a girlfriend I've been talking to for a year. We met up in person once. We've also broken up many times. Now all the heartache and drama has drained me of emotional energy to the point where I just say screw it!" but I used profanity which I can't post here.


After going through so many rejections and heartaches I've become emotionally numb. This has been the trend in the last few months. I particularly noticed it just before thanksgiving of 2008.


It's like I don't even care anymore whether my current relationship works out or not. Every once in awhile I might cry but most of the time I am numb. I don't even want to be happy or sad. I won't let myself feel either way.


The only thing I feel fit for is being put to an eternal sleep. I said in previous posts that I just want to go to heaven but now I'm not even sure I want to go to heaven when I die. I want to be put to eternal sleep since heaven is a place for people who desire to be productive. Well I have no desire to be productive.


But I believe everybody's going to heaven. What do I want to do with my life here for the next 97 years? I think I'll be satisfied as long as I get plenty of food to eat and lots of phone sex. I'm not interested in having real sex. I get more pleasure out of masturbation and phone sex.


I don't even want to go out in public more than necessary. I don't want to take vacations. If I didn't have to work then I would just watch you tube videos all day long.


So right now I have those 2 important pleasures. I am eating good and I am getting plenty of sexual satisfaction from masturbation and phone sex. I intend to live this way from now until the day I die.


Anyway my brother wasn't happy so what right do I have to be happy? I don't. The sad thing is that he never lived long enough to enjoy the fruit of his labor. He worked hard in high school and college thinking that was all going to pay off in the long run. He was a political science major and went to Duke University, NC. The poor guy didn't live to enjoy the fruit of his labor. It's not fair. It should have never happened.


Nobody's guaranteed to live long enough to enjoy the fruit of their hard work so why bother trying to succeed at anything? Why bother trying to lose weight? at this point I don't care if I get dumped for gaining too much weight over the holidays. I'm not going to give up my favorite foods just for a chance but not a guarantee of living longer. I would rather die of a heart attack knowing that I never passed up an opportunity to eat whatever I wanted.

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It sounds like you are in a deep depression and that it may stem from your brother's suicide. People can carry alot of guilt and unresolved issues when a loved one takes their life, did you ever receive any counseling following his suicide?


You're right that there are no guarantees in life, but whatever time you have on this planet is a gift. Why not make the most of it?

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