Adge Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Okay..where to start! I am 35, my girlfriend of 34 just decided to split up from me after just under a year of us seeing each other. We have had some turbulence during the course or our relationship and have broken up a few times before but always reconciled and got back together only for things to get stuck in a rut again. She split up with me again about 4 days ago and I really want to get things on track once and for all. When we first met she was moving very fast and fell in love with me very quickly. It took me a couple of months, but now we are both very much in love with each other but she sometimes questions whether I really do. In the past I have had problems showing public affection and any argument generally derives from things that have happened in the past. She said she wants to marry me and I her, but we niggle and argue about silly things and then she says she doesn't feel valued and loved enough etc. We both always bring up things that have happened in the past. I don't want to bore you all with too much detail but I just wanted to relay some phone texts back and forth from yesterday after I dropped off a letter at her house explaining that I loved her and wanted her back (I think this is the third letter!!) Her: Thank you for your letter. I'm home and watching XX (a film I gave to her which we both love). Thanks for that too. Great film. Me: (her name) please don't get angry, I am just popping something at your door, then leaving. I was on my way when you texted. - I was dropping off a little card which said "In hope....." Love me, together with a bunch of flowers. Her: Not angry at all. Just having a kip! (sleep) Me: Already dropped the stuff off. Her: Thank you so much. But please stop. I can't think. I don't know. I don't know how I feel. Please I'm begging you. Please stop. Her: That song from XX....It's the most precious thing you've ever given me. Thank you. Me: I'm sorry. My heart says I should do one thing and my head says I probably shouldn't. Even in that XX song, there are so many words that ring true. It would be so much easier if I didn't love you. I am sorry for that. Her: It would be easier if I didn't love you. Her: When you gave me that XX song, you said it meant nothing, that you just liked the tune. I was gutted. Me: I have said many things that I didn't mean. Do you truly believe that I would have given it to you if it meant nothing? I listened to the lyrics so many times and thought of you before I gave it to you. Me: I'm in such a pickle. I'm so sorry. Her: Why the f**** didn't you say that at the time, you stupid f****? Me: Because I was scared then. So scared. Her: Oh well. I guess we live and learn. Your barriers were up then. Mine are up now. pity ours weren't down at the same time. I think we may have been good together. Me: We would have been. I am hoping, maybe in vain, that we still can be. No one has come close to how much I love and care for you. Anyway...no response after that and then I texted to say I wanted to speak to her on the phone ,which we did and I let her vent without me arguing, and she said she wasn't sure about getting back together. She said maybe call her in a week. That was all yesterday. I have made no contact with her today. I am afraid that if I leave things too long she will go really cold and I won't get the love of my life back. Also not sure whether this matters or not, but the sex is great on both sides...! Any suggestions greatly appreciated! Link to comment
Pandaman211 Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 When we first met she was moving very fast and fell in love with me very quickly. Was she rebounding with you? Link to comment
Pandaman211 Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Sorry man, but leave her alone for a bit, whether that be a week or two, or what. If you rush things, you can screw it up indefinitely. She told you to STOP, and that she feels like you're smothering her, so STOP. I'm telling you right now. So many of the posters on ENA are where they are because not only did they screw up, but because they didn't give their ex the proper space that they asked for. I'm not saying all of them, but if you read their stories, a lot of them are. Stop being afraid. Don't be scared. I know that you were scared in the relationship probably about something legitatemely, but don't tell her that. As shallow as it sounds, you're killing the attraction she has to you, especially because she is unsure of her feelings (emotional part) right now, so you need to make sure you exhibit masculine qualities that women are genetically coded to be attracted to, so that it will help you knock some sense back into her indirectly, and as a result, the attraction(mainly physical part) will be certain, and make things that much easier. You might be reading this thinking "oh no, my gf would never take me being scared like that, she understands, she wouldn't lose attraction, etc." Well, a lot of people think that, and what happens? Exactly, their ex, because shes uncertain of her feelings, will not be the same, act the same, take things the same way she originally would, etc., trust me. Very rarely this is not the case, so proceed with caution. Good luck to you, seems like you are still in it b/c of her uncertainty. Just remember, a lot of times, there are not many things you can do to help your situation directly, but there are even more things that you can do to not hurt your situation indirectly, that can ultimately end up helping your situation. Link to comment
Adge Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 No. I was seeing someone else when we first met. She wasn't seeing anyone. Link to comment
Adge Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 Thanks Pandaman. It's sometimes so difficult to do when you want to try and get back the one you love. Your head spins and heart tends to rule head in this situation. I guess I just have to be strong and the silly thing is I know I have been smothering her. I keep having those up and down moments like a lot of other people on here, I am sure... I just hope I don't ruin my chances :sad: Link to comment
Pandaman211 Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Thanks Pandaman. It's sometimes so difficult to do when you want to try and get back the one you love. Your head spins and heart tends to rule head in this situation. I guess I just have to be strong and the silly thing is I know I have been smothering her. I keep having those up and down moments like a lot of other people on here, I am sure... I just hope I don't ruin my chances I'm confident you won't, and I gotcha about loving her so much its hard to figure out what to do, a lot of times it masks reality. It happened to be firsthand, and I've read about it countless times on here. I just don't want you to make the same mistake I and plenty of other guys have, and learn from what we did wrong. Granted, thankfully I stopped worrying and caring too much a while ago, but I've learned a lot more than a lot of people do, and I want to see you have success in getting her back. The great thing is, she seems she has potential to be more interested than a lot of people's ex's that post here. Keep posting man Link to comment
Adge Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 Much appreciated. I am usually a very closed book when it comes to personal stuff like this. It really does help to vent and get others' opinions. I am going to do my utmost best not to contact her at all this week, I know it's going to be hard... Link to comment
Pandaman211 Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 And I need to tell you this, DO NOT go "NC" or w/e. Thats completely stupid and utter nonsense advice. If someone tells you that, their just trying to beef up their posts, or something stupid like that. Listen, you've already admitted that you guys wanted to marry e/o and loved e/o and whatnot, but a lot of the breakup was caused b/c of your sometimes inability to show affection, show her that you valued her as much as you in fact do. So why the hell would you go NC, ya know? Thats just dumb, if you did, you would be reinforcing to her that she did the right thing, that you don't care about her, when in reality you do. So I'm not telling you to do the whole NC thing. Just give her some space, and call her back when everythings kind of sizzled down. Right now, both of you guys are too emotional to talk about something as great of magnitude as a relationship. So this is good, use right now to rid yourself of your recent smothering behavior, and get yourself back. It will make things that much easier for her to make a decision if you're acting like yourself, and showing her the affection she deserves, and that you're not this needy, insecure guy that is controlled by love. Link to comment
Adge Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 Thanks Pandaman, you've been an absolute star. Please excuse my ignorance, but what does "NC" and "w/e" mean? Link to comment
blue_dahlia Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Time can be an amazing thing. Time, space and patience are to your benefit. If the love is there, time apart won't hurt. In fact, it can help. She knows how you feel. Please give her space. Space won't hurt your situation, but your neediness and not respecting her wishes will. So it's your choice really. You need to learn to be patient. Show her by your actions that you respect her and give her space. Link to comment
Adge Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 Thanks blue. I sometimes just think that if I just leave things and supposedly respect her wishes, she will grow more distant, that's all. I did say I would call her in a week but I am now wondering whether I should just leave it and wait until she contacts me? Or will she be waiting for me to contact her now? Oh...what a conundrum!! Link to comment
Pandaman211 Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Thanks Pandaman, you've been an absolute star. Please excuse my ignorance, but what does "NC" and "w/e" mean? Not ignorance at your part, I use to think the same thing. Its called "no contact", which can mean a variety of things, but most people interpret it as not contacting the ex, and if the ex attempts to contact you, you ignore her/don't respond. Its commonly used as a tool to move on and heal yourself. Everyone has different interpretations. Mine and some others interpretation is not initiating contact with her, but if she contacts you, you can/should respond, depending on how you feel, what its about, but I definitely don't believe in ignoring the ex /not responding in all but the most extreme circumstances. Everyone's situation is different, and thus, use different extremes of it. Another term you'll see a lot is LC, or low/limited contact. This means what it suggests. Regardless of interpretation, don't try and apply this to your situation. Right now, you want to back off and give her some space, like she suggested. She wants time for herself. You need time for yourself. So this is a good thing for both of you. Link to comment
blue_dahlia Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 I sometimes just think that if I just leave things and supposedly respect her wishes, she will grow more distant, that's all. I completely understand. It's scary to let go and human nature to think that if you give up the control it won't work out. The bottom line is that your best chance is to respect her. That's your best chance. I cannot stress it enough to you. Your only course of action is to give her space. If it's meant to be she will come back. Space will not hurt this, but pushing her more will. Whatever will be will be at this time so you may as well play the part of a respectful and understanding boyfriend. Link to comment
OrangeMoon Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Give yourself and your SO a month to catch your breath and really asses your relationship and how each of you interacted towards each other. A mini NC so to speak.. Initiate contact again after that month and see how the dust has settled in her heart... Talk things over and then decide which way to go.. Did she miss you, did she feel relieved? You guys need to have a serious breather.. Link to comment
blue_dahlia Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 There's a thread that I started all about letting go. One of my favorite excerpts is this one: "It is a mistaken belief that I must push my love relationship in the direction I choose that keeps me in a strained and unhappy relationship with it. Reality has its own effortless course, and I can either embrace its way or struggle endlessly with mine." Link to comment
Adge Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 Thanks Pandaman. Abbreviations now understood plus advice taken onboard. Thanks blue...I will respect her wishes. Again the old mind ticks over and you think...'does she really mean what she says?' - It's terrible when you miss someone so much and the love game tricks you into doing things you shouldn't really be doing. Link to comment
Adge Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 Thanks to all so far that have taken the time to give me advice and suggestions. Really - greatly appreciated. Now I have to put it into practise! Link to comment
Adge Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 Oh...I forgot to mention something. Silly me! During texts and me behaving like a broken-hearted baby, she texted me this on 31st December: I just think it's too soon to discuss things. I can't open any doors right now. I am not entirely sure whether the above text is negative or positive or neither!? Link to comment
blue_dahlia Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Yup, I've been there. My ex and I reconciled. It took a tremendous amount of patience and time. To me, reconciliation should have taken a month, but that was my timeline. His timeline was completely different and me finally accepting that fact was key to our success. This website, my friends, reading and inner strength made me understand that I had to be patient and anything less would push him away. It's also crucial to look at the big picture. Taking it slow and giving them space is just a means to an end. The ultimate goal is to get back together. You have to recognize that not seeing them or talking with them as often as you want is a small price to pay for the possibilty of being with them forever. It's extremely hard to let them go and allow them to set the pace. Whenever I wanted to contact my ex, I remembered that it was paramount that I showed him that I respected his decision. It took three long months for us to reconcile. During that time I kept thinking that three months is nothing compared to spending the rest of our lives together. Link to comment
Adge Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 During that time I kept thinking that three months is nothing compared to spending the rest of our lives together. How very true! Link to comment
Adge Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 Well, no contact for almost (stress almost) two days now. I keep trying to convince myself that everything will work out and we'll get back together, then all of a sudden my mind goes a complete 180 and starts thinking maybe I should contact her. Damn it! Link to comment
Decaf08 Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 No man you can do it, fight it! Fight it! You can do so much more than contacting her. Make yourself busy my man! Go out and do something that will get your mind off her! Link to comment
Adge Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 I haven't. It's just ridiculously tempting. I have just been in my home moping around watching TV. I just can't face people at the moment. People that will ask questions. Sometimes I wish I could just take my brain out and leave it somewhere to stop me thinking so much!! Thanks for the response, Decaf! Link to comment
Decaf08 Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Call a friend, I'm going through the same bullcrap, but have been on NC for 2 weeks now. It's tough at first, but stay away from any tools that will allow you to connect to her. Exes are like drugs, we get addicted to them, and develop tolerance, and finally we get withdrawal when we don't have our fix. As for therapy, hanging out with friends and loved ones would always do the trick, any activities that do not engage your brain or your body will allow those thoughts to creep up. Dude, if you were in the same city as I, I'd call you up, shoot some pool, go drinking and enjoy life for what many more possibilities it has to offer. Looking out for ya. Link to comment
Adge Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 Decaf, try the same country. I'm in the UK. LOL Thanks for the advice. I know what I need to do and have re-read posts on my thread over and over again. She is very good at masking her emotions sometimes and finds it easy to compartmentalise stuff. I unfortunately don't have that ability... Pathetic. Link to comment
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