This is seriously doing my head in now. Aaaaargh!!!

[forevertrying]

I hope you like to read as this is a book. Sorry. If i get a reply, I will be more than grateful. If you have read my last couple of problems then you ill know what this one is regarding.

 

After xmas when he didn’t get in touch, he left a message on my bebo on the Sunday. I replied as soon as I noticed. He apologized that he didn’t have any credit and that is why he was using his bebo. As he likes doing his D.J. work, he took on a gig for New Year Years Eve. In my reply back to the message sent, I asked if it was ok to come to his gig as I couldn’t find anywhere decent at last minute. This was 3 days before New Years Eve. He still hadn’t got back to me so I thought I’d phone him, if not for anything else, for an explanation to why he was being so ignorant. As soon as he answered the phone he said he was just in the middle of texting me. I replied ‘yeah right!, is that what you planned on saying if I phoned you?’ but then I just made a joke out of it.

 

After that I asked if he was coming over after he finished. He said he might. Anyway, I got drunk and literally forced him to come over and kept going on about how it was New Year and everything n that I wanted to spend it with him coz I love him.

 

When he left the next day, he said he would text me later. OMG!!! He has still not texted me or anything. He used to text me all the time. It’s really doing my head in now. I am trying to be patient but is he ever going to have the time of day to text and phone like people do in normal relationships?

 

He knows I don’t go out that much and if my daughter isn’t here, I am sitting myself most of the time. I also phoned a psychic line a couple of times asking about this problem. Twice they said that it’s going to work out and everything should be fine around February. I am thinking about testing time ‘til then and if it isn’t looking hopeful then just to face the facts. Is this stupid?

 

When I am with him, I really think he is a genuine nice guy that may have issues but when I am not with him, I can start to change my thoughts but try my best to keep positive. I have major trust issues with people and I know this might be a main issue but he knows this so I am so confused. Am I just being paranoid but why does he not want regular contact with me? Even if he is scared, he could try being a bit unselfish, could he not?

[nutbrownhare]

I have major trust issues with people and I know this might be a main issue but he knows this so I am so confused. Am I just being paranoid but why does he not want regular contact with me? Even if he is scared, he could try being a bit unselfish, could he not?

 

All of us, all of us, will unconsciously pick people who will confirm our world view - in other words, if we have trust issues, we will pick people who will let us down - which will confirm the deeply held beliefs. We will just not register people who don't, or dismiss them in some other way.

 

It's not really relevant WHY he doesn't want regular contact with you - my hunch is that he doesn't really want regular contact with anybody - it's just that you need to acknowledge this and stop taking it so personally, or it will really undermine your self-esteem. It's a statement of who he is, not who you are.

 

I'm just guessing, but my guess is that by telling him you have trust issues there was an underlying message 'So don't let me down', as if hoping he would resolve your trust issues. The only person who can do this for you, is YOU - and it starts by trusting your own perceptions of reality, not the way you wish things would be. When you say 'he could try being a bit unselfish', you are hoping that this man would be different to the way he actually is. I am sure he is not being deliberately selfish, he's just being himself.

 

Then you need to ask if that's what you want from a relationship.

 

It is not his responsibility that you are sitting alone when your daughter isn't there. You have options, either to start solitary activities or to meet other people, or to expand yourself in other ways. It is almost impossible to have a happy life when we are waiting for another person to fulfil responsibilities which are rightfully ours, but reclaiming that responsibility for ourselves is the start of TRUE power, where we are able to accept others as they really are without needing to change them, and because we aren't very needy to begin with, actually stand a good chance of getting all our needs met in our relationships.

 

I'd guess, too, that by contacting a psychic line, you are looking for solutions outside yourself ... actually, you need to start by really caring for yourself.

 

Good luck with all this!