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Is it normal to lose that passion?


konstantine

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My boyfriend and I have known each other for 9 years. It's been a long and complicated situation. We have only been "officially" together for a year and a half, but we were involved for a while before that.

 

As of right now, I feel like we have lost that passion we used to have. I know we are still in love, but I miss that intense chemistry that used to be there. For YEARS, even before we were actually together, he would want to be around me constantly, acted as though he couldn't keep his hands off of me, was always saying amazingly sweet things such as "Can I have you forever?" and other cheese like that. But I liked it, it made me feel wanted.

 

Now I feel like everything is routine. Clock in, sit on the couch not touching, watch TV, walk me to the car, one kiss and hug, clock out. We do still do some fun things together, but it's still missing that passion and that need to be kissing all the time.

 

So my question is, is this a normal thing to happen in longer relationships? Or is our time fizzling out? It's so weird because we were SO into each other for years, and only since we have been official has it gotten like this. Maybe he feels like he has me now and he doesn't have to do it anymore, but I thought he LIKED doing that stuff. That's who I fell in love with, not this kid who doesn't show me he wants me. The fact of the matter is I'm BORED. I wouldn't cheat on him, but I've been thinking about what it would be like to be with someone who showed me the fire again. What to do?

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Do you 'show him the fire'. It takes two people to make a relationship work.

Clock in, sit on the couch not touching, watch TV, walk me to the car, one kiss and hug, clock out.
Can you not come up with more exciting ways to spend an evening and lead by example?
For YEARS, even before we were actually together, he would want to be around me constantly, acted as though he couldn't keep his hands off of me, was always saying amazingly sweet things such as "Can I have you forever?" and other cheese like that. But I liked it, it made me feel wanted.

Did you do things like that for him? And, if you did, do you still do them?
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Talk to him about it. Sometimes guys stop doing the things that women like once they're in a relationship and they need to be reminded how they got there. Don't tell him you're bored. Bring it up in a positive light. Tell him what he used to do and how it made you feel. If that doesn't move him, then you might ask why he doesn't do those things anymore.

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We do do other stuff together, but if we do stay home for a few nights, I just wish it didn't seem like I came over just to be ignored.

 

The thing is, I have mentioned that things have been a lot different from what they used to be. He always says he will try to remember, but he has also told me straight up that things won't always be like the beginning. But I'm kind of wondering, Why not? If anything, I have gotten 10 times more affectionate with him. At the beginning I wasn't at all. The more I have gotten to know him, the more I love him and WANT to show him those things. But it seems like it's the opposite for him. I KNOW he loves me, but you tend to forget it when you aren't being shown outright.

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i can understand where your coming from. i've been with my bf one yr and some weeks now.

 

it's not what it was like when we began. thats for sure.

but i still feel that we have passion. just not ALL the time like before.

 

maybe try and explain to him how you feel? i'm sure he'll understand.

 

t could also be something you unconsciously did (like say when he used to do that stuff, maybe you did something tiny which made him think he should stop b.c u didn't like it as much). or maybe he thinks this stuff doesnt matter to you anymore when really it does.

he wont know if you dont bring it up with him though.

 

i say, dont let this way of interacting continue till it becomes part of a routine and it's hard to change.

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maybe you both can go on romantic dates and get dressed up? this always works for us when we've been sitting home watching tv. we do kiss, and cuddle, and maybe have sex. but the excitment is more there when we go out and do something we both like which isn't routine.

 

or maybe out for drinks. or dancing.

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Set the pace.

 

Plan an incredibly romantic night out... Next time you come over, come over wearing a coat, high heels and nothing underneath. Surprise him with some sex games...or have him wake up to a blow job - unless he's not a morning person (which I learned early on in my relationship! lol)

 

Let him chill out and have his own space, but when it's that "US" time, make it special and passionate. Make date nights spontaneous. Cook a romantic dinner....wear sexier things around him.

 

Start working out - this is always a huge thing for me. I'm really into fitness and taking care of my body, but sometimes I let it slide. After a lapse, as soon as I start working out again, its like my boyfriend becomes attracted to me all over again...

 

Most of all, don't focus on the "lack of", or "what once was". Don't compare your relationship to some standard that exists only in your memories. Focus in making it better NOW...and trust me, he will follow when you take the lead.

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I think you definitely need to talk to him and do your part of doing all the things for him that you want him to do for you. It takes two. Also, if he seems to be distancing himself from you, that may be a sign of him checking out of the relationship altogether. I learned that the hard way when I sat back and didn't do anything about it.

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We do go places. I try to show him by example what I want, but it just makes me end up feeling upreciprocated. He tells me that I'm being unrealistic, that I want a fairy tale. But all I want is what we used to have. In this respect, I just want something that I KNOW he can give me, so I don't think I'm being ridiculous. But am I expecting too much from an old relationship?

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I don't think you're expecting too much at all. I consciously try to keep that same level of passion with my girlfriend and have done the same in past relationships. I don't think it's too much to ask for a guy to continue to act like he enjoys the relationship, especially if he claims he still does.

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I don't think you're expecting too much at all.

 

My boyfriend and I came to an understanding a couple of months ago regarding planning fun things. He'll plan things once in a while, but whenever we come up with something to do, I'm usually the one who tracks down the information, books/reserves it, and essentially arranges everything. I started feeling resentful, and then we discussed that I actually like doing the planning and that's why I ended up doing it.....which I realized was true. lol And I was thinking all these thoughts like I was putting in all the effort, etc...when in reality, I was expecting him to read my mind.

 

Maybe your bf is going through a tough time or is depressed?

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do you have a life outside of him? time to take some time away/with friends... be a bit unavailable. this won't be the most popular opinion, but sometimes... people just dont want what they KNOW they have. have him guessing a little, don't give him all your time and attention all the time even though he's scolding you.

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I think its normal but avoidable.

 

Generally in my experience, the romantic / all over each other part of a relationship lasts up to 2 years or so. Then it gives way to a more solid love, based on the person themselves. Its natures way of keeping people together to reproduce.

 

Maybe your '2 year period' got stretched out for longer because you weren't officially together, so the drama / excitement kept going. Maybe your clock started once you were officially together.

 

That said, it is avoidable, but you need to over ride nature. Be conscious of it. BOTH make the effort to keep the excitement, do fun things, let each other know how much you love each other, be a bit goofy if you like. If only you are doing it, it will grind you down.

 

Time for a 'big chat' IMHO, so that he knows how you feel, and more importantly, what you need.

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We do admittedly hang out a lot when he's here. But that's because we are usually long distance while he is away at school and I want to spend a lot of time with him when he's here. But he always asks me to hang out every night, I'm not trying to force him into it.

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Of course that passion fades...I think there's a statistic about it somewhere, actually being around the 18 month mark.. this is then replaced by loving feelings of warmth and connectedness, security and comfort.

 

But it doesn't mean to say you can't try and keep it spiced up.

 

Just don't forget why you're together in the first place, because you know that ole expression "Familiarity breeds contempt" ? Well, that's true, too.

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We do go places. I try to show him by example what I want, but it just makes me end up feeling upreciprocated. He tells me that I'm being unrealistic, that I want a fairy tale. But all I want is what we used to have. In this respect, I just want something that I KNOW he can give me, so I don't think I'm being ridiculous. But am I expecting too much from an old relationship?

 

My guy did that too. It's like he had a routine that he was happy with and I was his female companion. Yet when he'd get turned on he'd want to be silly and make out and I just had no interest anymore.

 

It's led to my losing feeling for him. He loves me and wants me, but I'm not ready to be in a lifelong commitment with someone who's more interested in a book and some tea than me. This might be what's happening to you (we're at 4 years and counting)

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What were the complications of the previous nine years? Why have you only been official for a year and a half? I ask because it sounds like perhaps one or both of you was in a relationship prior and that made it more exciting and illicit to be attracted to each other. My apologies if I'm off the mark here, but is that what's going on?

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What were the complications of the previous nine years? Why have you only been official for a year and a half? I ask because it sounds like perhaps one or both of you was in a relationship prior and that made it more exciting and illicit to be attracted to each other. My apologies if I'm off the mark here, but is that what's going on?

 

It was complicated because for all those years since the day we met in high school, he wanted to be with me. He did everything for me, showed me so many amazing things and told me he loved me, but I wasn't ready for that. I was happy being close to him, but I never took it to a sexual level with him because I just didn't want a relationship at that point. Throughout those years we had many ups and downs and times that we would go without speaking for months, partly because of his resentment toward me for not wanting to be with him.

 

So we went away to college, all the time him trying to still get me, telling me that he would wait for me forever even if it hurt him because he knew what he wanted. Well, over the the first couple years my feelings grew for him. We began staying over at each other's places and hanging out all the time, but I still didn't do anything sexual with him. He then began seeing another girl that he now claims was just to try to get over me, but that's really irrelevant. He broke it off with her and we started getting even closer. We finally hooked up at that point. For about 8 months everything was amazing and I finally realized I was ready for a relationship so we made it official. And now here we are a year and a half later.

 

Sorry, that was long and maybe not all necessary, but that's why I say it's been complicated.

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Try being married. You never go anywhere except the company Christmas Party. A big night out is getting a pizza and renting a movie. Of course it changes, real life is nothing like dating. It's boring, but kind of sweet at the same time. When you have ten years together, it can get boring, but you can count on them and you know you really love each other, not just that passionate, making out stuff. This kind of love comes with dying parents, being up all night with sick kids, putting up with each other's families, and assorted other things. It's kind of nice, really.

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