should a man even think about dating if he does not want kids?

[gracerules2008]

The kids issue is something else I've thought about over the last few days. This is just another reason why it's a good idea to wait until I'm 70 to get married.

 

As a matter of fact the kids issue alone would be sufficient reason to not date for the next 35-40 years apart from all the other reasons I thought of previously. Why? because I am 1000% sure I don't want kids while most women in my age group want kids or they say they are not sure.

 

I know that the decision to have kids is pretty serious and should not be compromised on at all. The girlfriend that I've been talking to back and forth says she's not sure she wants kids. She continues to maintain this.

 

But for her to not be sure means it could go either way. She could want kids in a few years or she may not. I tend to lean more towards the possibility that she will want kids in a few years as many women do around age 30 because of the biological clock factor. Once that kicks in then she still stop at nothing to have kids.

 

If she ever wants kids then our relationship will be doomed at that point. It's not fair for her to compromise her goals and dreams to have children just for me and it's not fair for me or any kids I bring into the world to compromise my dreams and goals NOT to have kids just to keep her around.

 

Kids deserve parents who wanted to bring them into the world and not a parent who brought them here by accident. So really the kids issue is what concerns me the most about our relationship. All the other issues have a better chance of being resolved than the kids issue.

 

By the time I'm 70 then most women in my age group will already have grown children who have moved out on their own. Some of these women will be divorced or widowed and thereforee available. I just got to endure 40 years of being single but I have many activities to pass the time while I wait.

 

Even if my girlfriend were to say she does not want kids that does not necessarily mean she will feel the same way tomorrow. Time has a way of changing a woman's mind about these kind of dreams and goals.

 

What she wants today isn't necessarily what she's going to want tomorrow. So I try not to get too excited even if she is on the same page as I am about not wanting kids. I can either resume the relationship and take the chance that it will run its course within 2-5 years because she may want kids or I can stay single until I'm 70.

 

So with that said I am a big believer in finding out where a woman stands on the kids issue early on dating. Ask her on date # 1 or # 2. If you are a man who does not want kids and you are dating a girl who either wants kids or says she's uncertain then the relationship is already doomed. It's time to move on.

 

But considering that many women want children someday should a man even bother to date if he does not want kids since even the women who say they don't want kids will likely change their minds in a few years?

 

You might ask what am I doing to prevent a pregnancy? Well abstaining from vaginal sex for starters. Also making it a point to conduct my dating activities in public places. I don't want to be alone with her as the temptation to make out with her is present. I want to eliminate as much temptation to make out with her as possible. Do group dates where it's me, my gf, and my friends and their girlfriends.

[Batya33]

I think your post is condescending to those women who know their own minds and know they do not want kids and are not going to be swayed by a biological clock. I mean, don't you know you wouldn't murder one of your parents even if you all of a sudden had a surge of adrenaline and anger -- you would resist the impulse or ignore the impulse because of your beliefs and values, right?

 

And you're assuming that a woman who is menopausal wouldn't want to adopt kids. There are women who go through menopause in their early 40s and want to have a family.

 

I think it's fine if a man who does not want kids dates a woman who does not want kids. I agree it should be discussed early on in dating if the purpose of the dating is to see if there should be a serious relationship. I always wanted kids and always made that clear from the very beginning of any dating that had any serious potential.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Don't make up your gf's mind for her.

 

If she says she doesn't want kids, she doesn't want kids.

[gracerules2008]

But people can and do change their minds over time. Isn't it wise to anticipate that ahead of time? I would not expect anyone to assume that I'm going to have the same desires tomorrow as I have today. Girlfriend said she's not sure about the kids issue. She hasn't given a definite yes or no.

 

It would be unrealistic for someone to expect me to have the same goals and dreams 10 years from now. I would expect them to ask me if my desires have changed about certain things I want to pursue in life.

[DN]

I think if you can find a woman who meets your criteria then all will be well.

 

Good luck in your search.

[yeawutever]

Yes changes can happen. I do not want kids, don't like them while my boyfriend does want them in the future but who knows. Still hoping he changes his mind to no and agrees with me on that one, kids are too much responsibility and you gotta be a role moral, ugh. If there was a magic formula of how to make a man change his mind on it, thus agreeing that there's no need for kids, good......

[Cognitive_Canine]

But people can and do change their minds over time. Isn't it wise to anticipate that ahead of time? I would not expect anyone to assume that I'm going to have the same desires tomorrow as I have today. Girlfriend said she's not sure about the kids issue. She hasn't given a definite yes or no.

 

Then everyone should just break up with their SO's because they may be unhappy later down the line.

 

Makes little sense.

 

Also, have you thought that YOU may change your decision on kids. Why is it only her that is capable of changing?

[COtuner]

Ummm.... I'd say that's the risk you take. I know I don't want kids and most guys my age do. I have been forced to have to date guys much older than me to escape the whole child situation. But anyone can change their mind at any time. My guy knows that if he suddenly decides he wants kids that we will have to go our separate ways if he can't get around it. I'm pretty sure that, like me, he has other desires in life of the non-paternal variety.

[gracerules2008]

Then everyone should just break up with their SO's because they may be unhappy later down the line.

 

Makes little sense.

 

Also, have you thought that YOU may change your decision on kids. Why is it only her that is capable of changing?

 

I know that there's nothing anyone can say that would sway me to want to have kids because I've done my homework and heard all of the arguments and the pros and cons of having kids. Even God Himself could not talk me into wanting kids even if He appeared physically to me.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I know that there's nothing anyone can say that would sway me to want to have kids because I've done my homework and heard all of the arguments and the pros and cons of having kids.

 

And then one day a little girl smiles at you and all that research melts away.

 

It's almost impossible to determine what you will want years down the line. Why worry when what you have now is good.

[hmdreamer7]

Even if my girlfriend were to say she does not want kids that does not necessarily mean she will feel the same way tomorrow. Time has a way of changing a woman's mind about these kind of dreams and goals.

But considering that many women want children someday should a man even bother to date if he does not want kids since even the women who say they don't want kids will likely change their minds in a few years?

 

I was going to tell you that I too am 1000% sure that I never want kids, but apparently that still doesn't matter to you. Who's to say that YOU won't change your mind either? No matter how you feel now, or how a woman feels now, or how ANYONE feels now... you can't predict the future, and you can't be afraid of life and it's changes.

[abitbroken]

If you are adamant about not wanting kids, you could meet a gal that feels the same way, is unable to have kids, or is slightly older, has kids, but they are grown and out of the house. So he had kids but doesn't want additional ones. I wouldn't date women in their early 20s, because even if they don't want kids, things can change for them. I didn't want kids until the past few years.

[gracerules2008]

How would you feel if your girlfriend were to tell you she is pregnant tomorrow? Will you still have this point of view in life?

 

Well I doubt that would happen. We haven't engaged in anything near risky behavior in 5 months. As of last August I put a stop to even the smallest risky behavior.

 

Yes I know a woman can be 5 months pregnant and not know it. So I have another 4 months to find out. I'll get back to you in May or June of 2009 for any important updates.

[COtuner]

And then one day a little girl smiles at you and all that research melts away.

 

It's almost impossible to determine what you will want years down the line. Why worry when what you have now is good.

 

Or maybe not. Kids do nothing for me now, never did. I simply have NO maternal instinct at all. There really are people who do not want kids and never will.

 

Yes, he may change his mind, but if there are things you want passionately in life, sometimes that overrides any desire to have kids. I've often thought some people (SOME people) have kids to fill a void in their life.

[nutbrownhare]

Honestly, there ARE women in their twenties who genuinely don't want kids. Ever. This included me and most of my female friends - of whom there are many. We still didn't want kids when we were in our thirties. Or our forties. I'm now old enough that my GP has warned me it's probably too late ... halleluia!

 

However, my guess is that somebody who never wants kids is likely not to want them when they're young, too!

[sweet_thing27]

Why is it that people assume that those of us who don't want children are just indecisive and waiting for that special moment when a "little girl smiles" at us and we get baby rabies.

 

Some of us know for sure that we do not want to bring children into this world.

 

To the OP, there are women out there who are not going to change their mind, even in your age group. I'm also 28, and I'm going to be making a doctor's appointment to get "fixed" this coming year. I have a feeling that my boyfriend will eventually leave because I will not be having children. It's something that women have to go through as well as men. You just have to learn to be happy with what you have at the moment, and if that person leaves, you know that it isn't because of you.

[gracerules2008]

Why is it that people assume that those of us who don't want children are just indecisive and waiting for that special moment when a "little girl smiles" at us and we get baby rabies.

 

Some of us know for sure that we do not want to bring children into this world.

 

To the OP, there are women out there who are not going to change their mind, even in your age group. I'm also 28, and I'm going to be making a doctor's appointment to get "fixed" this coming year. I have a feeling that my boyfriend will eventually leave because I will not be having children. It's something that women have to go through as well as men. You just have to learn to be happy with what you have at the moment, and if that person leaves, you know that it isn't because of you.

 

You know that many doctors will not perform a vasectomy at your age because they say you'll probably change your mind.

[sweet_thing27]

You know that many doctors will not perform a vasectomy at your age because they say you'll probably change your mind.

 

I will fight for what I want. A doctor has no right over my body, and cannot tell me what I can or cannot do. If my regular doctor won't refer me, then I will find someone who will. (P.S. It's a hysterectomy as I'm female).

[Mythical_Suicide]

Why did you ask this question if you already have the answer, are you having second thoughts or are the little voices on your shoulder making you feel guilty.

 

The OP is extremely secluded in his own little world.

[ladyblue07]

I do think it is unfair to expect someone who wants kids to do without them, or to expect someone who doesn't want kids to have one, so it's true that it's best not to date people who don't share your views about kids.

 

The easiest way to avoid the kids issue would be to date older women who either never had kids or whose kids have already grown up. There are surely some 40 year old single women out there who had kids at a young age and whose kids are now out of their house!

You could also try finding people in your age group that have chosen to be sterilized or have medical reasons for not being able to bear children, though that might be harder to find since most people wouldn't advertise that on a dating ad.

[alli]

Hey I have an idea. If you cannot find a woman you like that also absolutely does not want children, then only date casually until you are 40 or 50, then marry a woman who had her children when she was young (20ish) so that by the time you are married, the children are already grown & very unlikely that she would want any more. 40 is a little up there but not nearly as old as 70.

 

I can't believe you abstain from vaginal sex to avoid pregnancy. You know, a combination of, for example, the depo shot & condoms is very effective. Actually, just the shot alone is very effective, then throw in the condom. You don't have to depend on her to remember to take a pill at the same time everyday. It just seems quite extreme to avoid intimacy despite control measures to avoid the slightest possibility of having a kid, which to be honest isn't the worst thing to happen in the world. Well, maybe to a 15 year old.

[alli]

 

The easiest way to avoid the kids issue would be to date older women who either never had kids or whose kids have already grown up. There are surely some 40 year old single women out there who had kids at a young age and whose kids are now out of their house!

 

You beat me to it!!

[gracerules2008]

Trust me. Anything is better than getting stuck with a minimum of a 20 year project to raise children. I would rather get shot in the foot than be stuck with child support payments.

 

Abstinence is not such a bad thing. I was taught abstinence when I took sex education during my high school career. The doctors who came to speak in our class taught abstinence as the best policy. Abstinence will not hurt the economy.

 

I just take it one step further by making it a point not to be in a room alone or sit at home alone with my SO for long periods of time.

[amipushy]

 

I just take it one step further by making it a point not to be in a room alone or sit at home alone with my SO for long periods of time.

 

Are you kidding me?

 

You're girlfriend is paying the price for your fear. You are making her decide you or Kids. Imagine how difficult that decision must be and how hard life with you must be for her when you are withholding physical contact because you are afraid.

 

Lovemaking is more than just about making babies... and you aint making love... I personally couldn't live like that.

 

I'm sure if you talked to your doctor and told him how this is affecting you and your ability to express love in a physical way he would consider a vasectomy. You're 28 now, not 18. Surely its not that uncommon at 28? Have you asked?

 

Also, if you have a vasectomy this would also make up your gf's mind once and for all as she may be holding out on the hope that you might change your mind.

 

Or, maybe you are afraid that when YOU reach 40 you might change your mind and decide that living and dying alone with no support from children who love you isnt for you?

[cruzer]

If u dont want kids, u could meet a woman who does not want kids.

 

you could meet a woman who has already had kids and does not want any more.

 

so yes date, but i agree i would not waste tons of time with someone who is sure they want kids, when i do not want kids. even if our minds change later on.