My fiance finally got physically abusive

[stephie26]

I am really hurt and shocked right now... I had a previous post about my fiance's emotional baggage and many people touched on the topic of him being very abusive... I agreed he was verbally and emotionally and "dulcinea" and I have been talking and she has been very supportive of my situation... and my worst nightmare happened tonight

My fiance and I got into another argument about our "future" and how he feels we are not a team because we do our finances separately.. And I have told him numerous times that because of his controlling nature he makes me want to separate things until we can resolve conflicts BEFORE we get married.

I had an Excel sheet of all my finances and I even showed him and said "OK you say we aren't a team and I want you to show me or explain how you would want things if it could be different tomorrow".... I basically am trying to compromise with him or at least gain an understanding of what exactly he really wants and expects... At least that way we can work towards it and I have an idea what is expected of me.... He acted all snotty and like a jerk and replied that he "didn't even know what he wanted anymore"... I got up furious and say OK, this is it! I'm tired of bending and bending to find ways to make you happy and work things out with you and every attempt I make YOU SHUT ME OUT... He makes me feel backed into a corner and left in the dark.. I told him that I really don't think we have a future together as he doesn't seem to even remotely want to work with me.

I started packing some items and said I needed to leave to stay at my parents and I was really upset.... He was trying to calm me down and was cornering me in the room.. He was grabbing my arms and trying to comfort me and I said I was really angry and to leave me alone. He did this for about 5min and would not get out of my face! I finally screamed at him LET ME LEAVE!!!!!!!!! I was shaking and crying and wanted to be alone and not have him in my face. He said fine and moved over to the door, and I grabbed my bag and went to walk out of the room and out of frustration I slammed the light switch to turn it off with my fist.. It cracked (they are cheap plastic) and my fiance INSTANTLY with two hands pushed me by both shoulders sending me flying backwards into the room and I fell directly on my butt and smacked my head against a steel cage we have for our dog. I sat on the ground in total shock and starting crying hysterically (mostly in shock)... I have to add, that I am 5'10 and 140 lbs, I'm not exactly a small woman and he sent me flying backwards off my ass at least 3-4 feet. My fiance is very big, 6'3 260lbs... and I got up crying and ran into the washroom to lock myself in with my cell phone and called my mother... My parents live 10min away so they said they would come! I have my own car anyway, so I just ran to my car and my fiance kept trying to hold me back saying he didn't mean to, etc... I said it was NO EXCUSE..

 

I left and I've been at my parents house all tonight.... I'm really shocked and upset... I NEVER thought he would get physical... I know the potential was there, but I have told him many times alot of this behaviour in men escalates to physical and I WILL NOT tolerate it, even once... I have mentioned this numerous times as from my readings, abusive behaviour almost always ends up physical.... Well.. You can add another one to the statistics I'm so sad right now... Everything I have worked for, the counselling, the books, the tears.. it was all a waste of my time..

 

I really need some support right now... I know the right thing to do is leave and never look back..... I already have a place to stay.. our finances are separate I have my own car and everything, all I need is to make one trip there and grab my things and leave for good.

I'm afraid I will go back I don't want him to hit ever again, and I know he probably will... I know we will never be happy... But the good person and the love we had I will really miss.. and I will only ever get over this relationship down the road when I find healthy love.... That seems so far away and honestly my soul is shattered right now.. I feel like I have been really damaged and will probably be afraid to ever love again... I really hate him right now... How could he do this???????

[relm]

I dont think there is any scenario where what he did would be ok. I also believe that its best you leave him now because it gets harder the more time you invest in it. He isn't ready for a relationship if he has these type of anger and physical issues. There will be many excuses from him why he just snapped, etc., but this is something that should have a zero tolerance policy. The attitudes resulting in physical abuse are very strongly ingrained and he needs some professional help to deal with it. I am no expert on this type of abuse but I imagine he grew up in an environment needing to resort to physicality either from his home life or friends or something. You should have a no contact period with him and if you need to get things from his place make sure your friends/family are with you. Again, he'll be completely apologetic and sincere so stay level headed as best you can and understand these anger/physical issues are really deep.

[abitbroken]

I just came out of a marriage a few months ago that was verbally and emotionally abusive. He could be the nicest, most generous person, but that ended for me when he got stressed. I noticed he mostly was out to please total strangers and then gave me * * * * . Anyways, he never hit me, but he didn't stop his mother and sister from pushing me and shoving me. The last night we were together, he was pointing his finger so close in my face and backing me up that it could have been next.

 

It is your right to have a separate account. There are a LOT of couples that have that, and then have a joint account for bills. I have a feeling that he just wanted to control you, it had nothing to do with being a team. In fact, the last week wih my husband, i bought a prepaod phone and he didn't like it because he couldn't "track" me.

 

Anyways, what really helped me - there was a local women's shelter that had counseling services. You don't have to stay at the shelter. They have an office and they provide free counseling for women who have been through abuse. They can refer you to legal aid, get you into counseling, and provide other resources for you. If needed, they can probably also help you with job assistance. You already have a place to stay, so that is great.

 

I would take someone else with me to collect my things. If he tries to communicate, you can get a protective order.

[yeawutever]

You're absolutely right, there was NO EXCUSE whatsoever for him to snap at you like that. Keep staying in your parents' house and go single for a while. He needs help but that's not up to you. Don't look back and if he tries contacting you, block him from your e-mails or changed your number.

[abitbroken]

By the way...

You WILL BE OKAY. It doesn't seem like it now. But you will. Spend the first couple weeks taking care of your physical health (stress causes all sorts of things) and soaking up the support of your family, and also take care of the practical stuff like getting your stuff. then, focus on recovery. Counseling programs, etc, and learn about yourself. Learn the red flags early on - you will learn to see even when you start to get to know someone if they are controlling. And heal within yourself what makes you attracted to controllers.

[chitowngirl]

Hi, Thank you for sharing your experience. I've been on this site for about a week now, and finally joined when I came accross your thread. Something VERY similar happened to me and my ex bf about 1 month ago. A side I never saw in him came out and left me with bumps and bruises. He's attempted to contact me, sent me flowers and called for my bday, but I never returned his calls. We were suppose to move in together in a couple months. Its hard but I know its for the better that I dont speak to him, until Im over it. Friends and Family have all advised that if he did it once, he will do it again. A real man would never lose his control and resort to violence. 3 girlfriends shared with me that they've been through it and even returned to the relationship, low and behold all 3 women experienced abuse again. They were all strong enough to finally leave.

 

You seem like a very strong woman, and did the right thing reaching out to your parents. I did the same. The hardest thing was seeing/hearing my parents pain, when I told them what happened. I hope that you make a decision that will make YOU happy. Its been a hard month. I will continue to have better or worse days, but in the end it will be better to stay away. I wish you the best. Give yourself sometime to relieve yourself from the initial shock and sort out where your feelings take you. Think of the future of your marriage. And also, one last thought, I read up somewhere that 90-95% of abusive men will also be abusive towards their kids. Something to think about.

[stephie26]

Thanks for the support... and I know leaving is the right thing to do... I mean, even before the physical episode last night, I had ALOT of very good reasons to leave him. He was very verbally abusive and very emotionally abusive at times... not to mention insanely CONTROLLING to the point of manipulation. In the past I did try and leave numerous times.... But things never felt completely unforgivable that I couldn't try and work it out more. We even started going to counselling and I said to myself this was the last attempt for us... If it didn't work, I would leave. We only went to counselling twice, so we didn't make it very far.

 

I am just really scared right now... More because I WANT to stand up for myself and say THAT IS IT.... You need to suffer the consequences of your actions.. I DONT want to go back. I want him to suffer.

But I LOVE him... and I'm stupid as hell for waking up this morning alone and feeling a piece of me missing already and want to be next to him in bed.

 

But I am just really trying to stay strong and really think about all the times I felt disrespected, unheard, unloved, isolated and scared and frustrated... and vow to myself that I DO deserve better.

It is really mind boggling to me, why we put up with hurt and suffering from people we love....... I have been in one other serious relationship for 5 years and it was complete opposite.... He loved me, adored me, listened to me and would do anything to make me happy.... And it's really hard for me to look at my fiance and give up because I so badly WANT him to be this way... And some times he is... but like people have said, the GOOD times with him come at a VERY high price, because the bad times are HORRIBLE..

 

And I am just really surprised and shocked he actually got physical... He knew that was the deal breaker... I have a friend who left her boyfriend about a year ago because he was very much the same way.. Eventually he pushed her down... she forgave him, and it took him doing it 2 more times and on the 3rd she left for good.

My fiance knew all this and I told him DONT let that happen to us.... I feel almost everything is workable with us if we keep trying.... but once it gets physical I won't continue anymore..

And he did....

[abitbroken]

I know exactly how you feel as far as wanting to be "strong and standing up." I so much wanted to talk to him face to face and tell him off. On the contrary, you are absolutely strong for leaving and saying nothing to him for now. I think that takes more strength to do that. Many women would go back to confront him, and then find themseves being manipulated again. Even if they were able to turn and walk away, they would feel even more hurt. Or they would feel weak and go right back to him, not because they think things will change but because they are monetarily powerless due to the shock.

 

You are your first priority right now.

 

Also, based on my experience, often a manipulator will not "hear you". If you did "stand up" they are prone to interpreting it in their mind a different way. I was so upset when my sister in law and mother in law called my dad and told him how much *I* broke my husband's heart. EXCUSE ME?? they talked about everythig *I* did , and said that si DESERVED the treatment I got .

 

Anyways, stay strong, and stay away. BTW, you mentioned a dog cage. Are any of the pets "yours" or are any of them in danger of being abused by him, or do you think they will be okay? Don't go back - but if they are, there may be a way to get someone to help them too.

[stephie26]

Well I have told him I was leaving when the physical confrontation happened.. I called my parents balling my eyes out and they came to meet me.. I have a car, but I just started putting some things in my car and I even called his mom right away... His parent's are really great people.. and I know his mother has been prying for months why we haven't planned a wedding date yet... and my fiance always leaves her in the dark, but I'm a very open person and almost would have wanted them to get involved to offer advice that might help us... But either way, I called her to tell her I was sorry, and that I was leaving her son and I loved him but I could not forgive him for using physical violence. She was in total shock that he did that to me... but she was very supportive and said that she knew something was wrong and that her son always had a temper but he's really a sweet loving person... And I told her I knew that, which is why I stayed even through verbal abuse, and wanted us to get help in counselling... But I was just really sad and wanted to tell her I was sorry, and that was the reason she wouldn't see me around anymore.

Maybe that was wrong, but I don't know.. My fiance didn't seem to be mad or say anything about that.

 

Either way, I have had small communication with him on the phone, I just need to arrange a time when I can go pick up my things.. I told him I don't want him there... and there is nothing we can try and resolve now.. he has done the un-forgivable thing in my opinion... And he just sounds really "defeated" I guess... He sounds really disappointed in himself... and just says he is sorry and he guesses he has to respect my decision to leave for good.

 

This just really sucks........ I wish he could have gotten some help sooner.. or before he met me..

[yeawutever]

Yes it sucks to leave a relationship but if it involved violence in it then you did the right thing. Like you, i will never forgive my SO if he ever were to intimidate me in any way, to me that would have the same affect as cheating itself, no trust and once that's gone, then there's no relationship no more.

Hopefully that'll teach him a lesson and hel'll learn that he just lost a nice person that loved him. By then he'll think better than snapping at a lady and that not all will forgive that.

[abitbroken]

Don't feel bad about contacting his mom. I think that if the two of you had a relationship, it was a good thing to do, especially since you were practically family anyways. The ball is in her court now to encourage her son to get help, not to get you back, but for the sake of his life. I know in situations some parents do know how their son/daghter is but there are some behaviors that only come out with a girlfriend or wife.

[Girl79]

Stephie, I really feel for you because I swear we dated the same man. My ex was JUST like your's. We even had the same age gap of him being 7 years older than me. Also, we had the same arrangement, he payed the rent and I payed my bills and the house bills. He would often hold that over my head, and I think it was a power thing for him to be able to come back at me anytime and use the fact that he pays more money against me. All I can say is that you really need to get out. My ex didn't ever hit me, but he did push me JUST like what happened to you, and he did this when I told him I was leaving. There is so much damage done to your relationship already and I don't see someone like him changing. He WON'T change, speaking from experience guys like him with that strong dominating personality don't change. PM me if you need to chat, I've been through it. Be strong, you will need to be.

[stephie26]

Ahh I know I am so disappointed right now... I always knew he was abusive but I always said it "wasn't that bad" and it started to become normal and I just saw him like a child who just didn't know any better.. The times he treated me good and we laughed and shared love I felt out weighed any of his issues.. He had very severe trust issues and no matter what I did it seemed nothing made him feel secure.

 

I just can't believe I warned him BEFORE it happened that don't ever lay a hand on me or it's DONE! I saw my best friend go through an abusive relationship and once he shoved/pushed her 3 times, the final one being down a flight of cement stairs, I told my fiance DONT you EVER go that route.... If your next step is physical, we will be DONE permanently and if you think I'm joking you watch.

 

Not many people get a heads up WAY in advance.. and He still did it.... Obviously my word is worthless to him..

 

I know for sure I will leave now... I'm just really sad and disappointed right now..

[FreedomRing]

Sorry this has happened to you

 

I do believe things happen for a reason so although you were not seriously hurt physically, this is definitely your cue to exit this relationship PERMANENTLY. The physical issues are reason enough to leave, and the additional issues were just cappers.

 

You may find that within the next couple of days, your emotions will be a rollercoaster, and you may find yourself still rationalizing that kind of unacceptable behavior. Not sure if you are a journaler, but I strongly urge you to write down exactly what happened that night, and continue adding, with other incidents from the past(verbal and physical). When that voice starts kicking in...pick up that list and re read.

 

Good luck to you--and I would suggest going NC with your fiancee, lean on your friends and family for the time being....be prepared for him to resurface when he thinks it has "blown over".

[yeawutever]

I just can't believe I warned him BEFORE it happened that don't ever lay a hand on me or it's DONE! I saw my best friend go through an abusive relationship and once he shoved/pushed her 3 times, the final one being down a flight of cement stairs, I told my fiance DONT you EVER go that route.... If your next step is physical, we will be DONE permanently and if you think I'm joking you watch.

 

Good thing you keep on with your warning words. I have warned by boyfriend but unlike you I added that I would hit back then it would be over for sure, but now think I would be the bigger person and just leave, no need to scoop down to one's immaturity level. Not many women put warnings in advanced or if they do, they don't follow them, rather stay with the abuser and next time, it gets worst. Hopefully I don't ever have to go through that but he knows I will never forget or forgive that if he ever even tries it or comes close to it.

 

If he thought you were joking, then now he's paying the price (losing you) for his stupidity. Now don't look back, don't answer his calls, completely ignore him, like he was yesterday's newspaper.

[stephie26]

Thanks guys... this is so unbelievable hard I stood my ground have told him over the phone I will NOT come over and talk.. there is nothing to talk about! You knew my deal breaker and you did it anyway... He keeps saying he's sorry and that he wants to make it better.. I told him it's a done deal.

 

I'm going through those rollercoaster emotions now... This happened Friday and I was mostly in shock, Saturday I was mad and knew what had to be done, and today I went to get all my things while he was gone and when I was packing my dog was watching me and following me around and I had to keep stopping and hold him and just crying

As I left I just cried and cried... I know what has to be done, but it is really hard. I keep justifying things in my head saying maybe all relationships are going to have arguments and drama, and everyone gets angry etc.. And he has never been physically abusive before, so now I'm blaming myself that maybe I should have learnt to control my own temper and not hit the light switch with my fist...

All logic tells me leaving is the right thing to do... But I keep thinking about all the good times and how good we were together when we getting along.. I don't understand how things can be so good and then so bad!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

[yeawutever]

You welome and hang in there stephie26 you will recover from this on your own. Keep it up like that and later on in the future you will find a gentleman, not a boy with no self-control. Remember that real men don't let their anger out the way your ex did, those have self-control.