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Something holds me back as an Artist

Pall Wall

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Ever seen "The Holiday?" You've seen Cameron Diaz's job in the movie, she's a Movie Trailer Editor. And that's my dream job. I've been doing my own trailer editing the past few years. But when it comes to choosing which movies to make a trailer of for my own personal practice, I'm only picking movies or shows that I know don't have official trailers for them. Like I made Trailers of each DVD season of the Vampire show Angel. Now I've moved on to making a trailer for each season of Heroes. These trailers are all for my resume to show the Pro's in the Industry, "Hey, I can edit too, let me step on board. But here's my deal:


For some reason I'm afraid to go looking at other Fan-Made trailers of it made on youtube. Because I'm afraid they could be better than mine. Yet I took a chance, and peeked at a few of them, and I thought they sucked compared the professionalism and the time I put into mine, and Graphic Design classes I've taken had shaped me up to the technique I have today. I strive to be very precise, frame by frame, with audio, and shots, and the graphics popping up.


I made a fan trailer of an Arch Angel movie called "Gabriel" because I thought there was no trailer. Later on the net I saw that it DOES exist out there, and I'm afraid to look at it, afraid mine would not be as cool as the official one.


This is a feeling in me I find SO ridiclous, and I feel like it's something holding me back as an artist. Do many artists feel this way down the road? What can I do to turn around this stupid fragile feeling of either egotism or insecurity?

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Yeah, but what about my striving to make trailers of movies and shows that don't seem to have trailers? Is it a challenge I'm being to hard on myself about? Again I'm also striving to star away from the path of insecurity and egotism. And man that's another thing, I feel too self conscious about putting my fan made stuff on the net. I only love my peers, family and friends, and associates looking at them. And plan to save all the vids together as a resume to show the pros. I hate youtube for all the people who leave harsh cruel comments on youtube videos. It is a kind of criticism I couldn't bare, and that's another thing of what this whole post is about, these feelings that are holding me back as an artist.

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This is kind of unrelated, but I don't find trailers that much of an artistic endeavor, as they are 99% marketing - aiming for a certain age group, subculture, lifestyle. I think to get a job making trailers you will have to have alot more than a portfolio of good trailers. They have to be presented as aimed at this market or another, etc. I don't know much about this field but that's how I see it playing out.


I've seen alot of people do above average at design and then be surprised that none of their work is published. It's not really art - its marketing, and you really need to understand the marketing to succeed in the business.


Another note, you should put them on Youtube. Critisism is sometimes good and humbling. I've put tons of stuff on youtube, and trust me, having a random person telling me I suck is way better than my editor in chief or a teacher or someone in charge of a project. The latter* happens alot when you work in creative industries.


Just my two cents.

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Try to think of someone in either art or entertainment who is not controversial and who does not receive their share of cruelty. This raises the question; how does every successful person in the public eye manage criticism?


Fragility is only a trait worth keeping if your goal is to work inside a protective bubble where nobody without the most approving eyes can view your stuff. It sounds as though you're taking an admirable step in questioning the viability of that market.


The idea of withstanding criticism isn't about defending your work, it's about learning to decipher valid and contructive critics from those who's voice is of no value or consequence to you. From there you can learn ways to improve your marketability--which should keep you too busy to engage unproductive defense.


You can understand that some insecure people spread jealousy and cruelty in order to prop themselves up. Those voices are in the world whether you step over them or not. So the question becomes, should you allow the weaknesses of others to overpower your focus?


In your corner.

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