Could his behavior lead to abuse?

[alteration]

Hey all.

I've posted in the conflicts forum, but thought I'd like to get some feedback/insight on this as well.

 

Been with him for over a year now. I've known him a very long time (we go waaay back, but only recently started dating), and had never known him to have a violent streak. Has no history (that I know of, but he's never lied to me or anyone - basically honest to a fault kind of guy) of abusing ex-girlfriends, and they have good friendships to this day.

 

But here are some things that have happened recently that worried me a bit, and I wanted to know if they sounded like abusive tendencies, a short temper, or me just being paranoid.

 

*One time during sex, I started to cry. The position made things a little uncomfortable and sex just sometimes messes with my emotions anyway. So it happens, whatever. He gets mad, really mad. Says "Jesus Christ!", jumps up and storms out of the room, leaving me there alone. I wasn't expecting to be coddled, but I was hoping for a little understading in that situation. Didn't get any.

 

*He has back problems, and I was giving him a massage one time. He voiced some concerns about some pain he had been having, and how worried he was that it was something bad. I told him not to worry, it was probably nothing. He then said, in a very condescending tone "Yeah, well *you* wouldn't know whether it's bad or good, now would you?".

 

*He drives insanely fast, and the times I made it known to him that it made me uncomfortable, he took offense and said he "knew what he was doing".

 

*Never wants to see my friends or family, only his will do (part of what I posted in the other thread).

 

*I had left some stuff over at his place that was getting in his way, so he wanted it out. I thought I should remove some other items as well, but when he saw me doing this, he exploded with "So what, is this over now?!" When we tried to sit down and talk about the situation, he went from being sweet ("Let's just forget about this, everything's ok...") to angry (jumping up from his seat "Oh, so what, this is MY fault?!" - I never once blamed him, I was just trying to tell him his reaction to all of this was throwing me off).

 

*He accompanied me to a function at my work...the only one he has attended...and then blew up at me later, saying I was acting like I didn't know him (even though I sat next to him, told him who everyone was, dished about office gossip with him, etc.), and he had to miss dinner because I was working later (earlier that day) and had to skip out on our original dinner plans we had before the event. He saved this for when we were inside a restaurant, and lots of people could hear.

 

*We play around a lot, physically. Like wrestling and all. Everything is fine there, but he usually asks me to hit him as hard as I can. Any attempt I make isn't "hard enough" and he'll keep asking me until I tell him the whole thing makes me uncomfortable.

 

That's all that comes to mind right now. Sorry this has been so long.

Aside from all of this, he's never called me names or anything. Never raised a hand. I'm just worried this could lead to something else, but I also worry I could just be paranoid.

 

My other posts have been about his wishy-washiness over committment. He's very hot and cold with that...so he's not possessive. I can hang out with whoever, whenever I want...because he's so rarely around!

 

Any advice?

Thanks so much!

[MyheartorHis]

I don't know... sounds like he might just have a short fuse. With the whole hitting thing, I would just stop wrestling or whatever when he asked me to do that, find a way out so nothing became uncomfortable. With the sex thing, have you tried talking to him about that? I think above all... that would hurt me the most. If you haven't talked to him about it... do it.

 

Just tell him everything you stated up there... very calmly. I would let my BF know that sometimes he raised if voice, or seemed ill tempered and it hurt my feelings. I would give examples and stuff. Let him know that you just want him to know how you feel...

 

Be honest with him.

[alteration]

Thanks.

We did talk about the sex thing after it happened. He said he was upset and just needed to "remove himself from the situation." I understand that, but it still hurts.

As for everything else, it's been talked about too. He's apologized and all, which is great. But it just seems like everytime we hit a bump in the road, he reacts in this really strong, not-quite-him kind of way.

[MyheartorHis]

Thanks.

We did talk about the sex thing after it happened. He said he was upset and just needed to "remove himself from the situation." I understand that, but it still hurts.

As for everything else, it's been talked about too. He's apologized and all, which is great. But it just seems like everytime we hit a bump in the road, he reacts in this really strong, not-quite-him kind of way.

 

How was he upset with the sex situation? I am sorry but he has no reason that I know of to be upset... especially not so upset to leave his girlfriend (who is obviously upset) alone in bed.

 

So why not text time you hit this bump, let him know he is acting "that" way again and it's hurting your feelings. Tell him you want to work on this together... because I don't think it's fair to you to have to deal with outrageous out breaks when something goes wrong. It take two to be in a relationship... and it will probably take both of you guys to help him work on this.

[loulee]

i feel like he has a very strong sense of self assuredness AND self importance if he feels anything he says or does is not supported/ agreed with he feels threatened and reacts with anger...take a very strong stand when he behaves this way..Ill bet he threw some tanties when he was little also...you should never feel belittled or uncomfortable with your lover..do not tolerate unjustified behavour...never be submissive...make yourself be heard and respected..you are equally as important as him..

[SeattleRick]

Hmm, he sounds kind of..different. He asks you to hit him as hard as you can? What is that about? By "wrestling" are you talking about the make-out-kissing playful wrestling or actual physical wrestling with him trying to pin you to the ground? Only you really know if its appropriate or not, but the fact that you said it makes you feel uncomfortable should tell you a lot. He's your boyfriend, you shouldn't feel uncomfortable with him.

 

As for crying during sex, I admit that would probably make me feel a little uncomfortable if I was in his situation as well. The first thing I would think was that the girl didn't want to be having sex with me at all, meaning she are getting no enjoyment out of it and are doing it just for my benefit. Or she had some other deep seated emotional issues. But that being said, his reaction of "Jesus Christ!" should have been replaced with "Are you okay honey, what is the matter..", or something to that affect.

 

Can you talk to him about what bothers you? If he doesn't care, or blows you off, you have to ask yourself what keeps you with him.

[bulletproof]

If someone is blowing up at you and you have no idea why (for example, after your work function) then that is a problem. You don't want to walk on eggshells with someone you're supposed to be in love with.

 

I also find his refusal to do things with your friends and family problematic. How will that work in the long run? Don't they want to get to know this person who is such a big part of your life? Don't you want him to know them as well? It's really unhealthy to compartmentalize your life that way for anyone.

 

I don't think it matters if his behavior could lead to abuse. What he's doing right now is pretty bad in and of itself.

[littlestar]

He sure dont know how to treat some. What he is doing to you is denying you the right to be treated with basic respect. No one should be shouted at. Especially in the situations you mentioned, you didnt do anything wrong.

 

I think he has some issues going on and perhaps you want to re think if this is the type of person you can see yourself long term with.

[alteration]

Thank you all so much!

You've all really given me some stuff to think over...

[Stella Sleepwalks]

i feel like he has a very strong sense of self assuredness AND self importance if he feels anything he says or does is not supported/ agreed with he feels threatened and reacts with anger...

 

 

This doesn't make sense. If he was very self assured then he wouldn't feel threatened by another person's opinion. My ex was only confident on the surface. His self importance was almost choking, and I believe that he was putting up a front to mask his insecurities. Self confident people have nothing to prove, and are not intimidated by another person's emotions or views. By arguing a point instead of expressing it, and assuming someone is blaming him and ignoring him, shows that he needs constant reassurance and babying.

 

Don't apologise for things he is winding himself up over. Simply let him have his tantrum and ignore him. He will soon learn. He sounds very immature, not dangerous, but this behaviour can become very draining so don't be afraid to leave walk away from a situation when it gets out of hand. When some people wind themselves up, the worst thing you can do is try and calm them down. They are too far into their own irrationality, they are the only ones who can pull themselves out of it. Just tell him you will speak to him when he has calmed down and leave him to it. Don't get drawn into arguments and walk away.

[alteration]

Great advice! I've long thought this would be the best approach, I'm just too much of a push-over when it comes to leaving people alone when they're feeling mad, sad, upset, etc.

 

Before I dated him, I dated a lot of sensitive, emotionally-in-touch kind of guys, and never had this problem. We would just talk things out...so the transition is a little jarring to me.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

Great advice! I've long thought this would be the best approach, I'm just too much of a push-over when it comes to leaving people alone when they're feeling mad, sad, upset, etc.

 

Before I dated him, I dated a lot of sensitive, emotionally-in-touch kind of guys, and never had this problem. We would just talk things out...so the transition is a little jarring to me.

 

 

Most people want to be in a relationship where they can sit down, (after they have calmed down), and discuss a disagreement to accomplishment resolvement. This is something every person should be able to accomplish if;

 

a) They are able to listen

b) They are able to respect another person's point of view

c) They are in tune with their own emotions

d) They are empathetic to their partner's feelings

e) They want to resolve, not prolong any hurt, anger or ill feeling.

 

 

Unfortunately there are a certain breed of people who overeact to even the smallest disagreement, and will punish their way to resolvement. These people do not care for balance or compromise in a relationship, it is all about control and breaking the other person down to such a degree, that they literally have them dangling from a thread that can be cut at any moment. A positive resolvement to this fraction of the population is:

 

a) To either shout down or silently sulk the other person into submission

b) Go missing for days, (not answering calls, texts etc) making the other person worry about the state of affairs

c) Project their own bad traits on to others so that they don't have to take responsibility

d) Twist or put words into the other person's mouth

e) Manipulate and continuously throw past (often minor) disagreements in their faces in the future.