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He's Sniffing Around...What Does He Really Want?


SportBox

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Hello,

 

After 8 months of NC, suddenly, my ex is calling me, inviting me for coffee, e-mailing me pictures of his ski trip, calling me at 11 pm just to chat....WTH???

 

Short version of events, we broke up 8 months ago after nearly 3 years. The best way to explain our ending is that the relationship just flatlined - it didn't seem that we were going anywhere and neither one of us had the energy to resusitate the relationship. Speaking only for myself, I was so unhappy with myself in terms of many things, most particularly that I had lost my self in the relationship. I stopped working out as much, I stopped writing (articles for publications), I hated my job...the list goes on.

 

In 8 months, I'm back to where I was before I met Kevin. I workout 6x a week, I take Improv classes, I'm a boot camp instructor and I'm writing a book. I'm happy though I miss the intimacy of a relationship, but yet I am content.

 

2 weeks ago, an e-mail arrived in my Inbox from Kevin, asking if I would meet him for coffee to "catch up." I agreed, why? Because I wanted to see him and find out how he was. I was curious. And I did not think that it would lead anywhere. The thought of us getting back together wasn't a factor. We met for an hour, had a good chat (not a word about the breakup was mentioned), had a few laughs and agreed to keep in touch. In my mind, I had re-started NC the minute he was out of eyesight.

 

4 days later, he calls and we talk for 30 minutes. Next day, he e-mails. Though I did admit that I was not seeing or dating anyone, I don't believe anything I've said to him would give the impression that I was interested in him again.

 

Today, he e-mailed me photos of his NYE ski trip (I didn't respond) AND THEN calls me to ask me to lunch to "catch up." Didn't we do that over coffee already?? He said that he "really enjoys talking to [me] again."

 

So I ask you eNotAlone-ers, what does Kevin want?

 

I know what you're probably going to ask me: "What does Sportbox want?"

My answer: I would love to be with him again but I know that I've changed and I couldn't go back to the way things were. I've sought counselling to figure out where I went wrong and how to avoid making the same mistakes. I'm back to who I was pre-Kevin and I like me again.

 

 

Any advice/insight/opinions would be appreciated. We're supposed to meet tomorrow (Saturday) for 1 pm...I could always cancel.

 

Thanks,

SportBox (aka Reese)

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It sounds like you are in a great place in your life and there is no reason to have extended contact with him unless you think you are in a place personally that you can be back in a relationship, with the same guy, and NOT lose yourself. Cause that would be a total bummer.

 

The bottom line is, he wants to be back in a relationship, and if you keep hanging out with him, you will find yourself right there. How much time has passed of NC? Is it enough time for him to have changed? Has he done as much work on himself as you have on yourself? if the answer to either of these questions is no, I suggest you don't start seeing him on a regular basis.

 

If you feel you have come a far enough way personally to hang out with him and see if he has evolved as you have, then I say go ahead. But I would definitely guard against any signs that would lead you to believe things are going down the same path.

 

Also, I think it's important to ask yourself if you really want a relationship right now. I mean, I know you said you miss the intimacy, but you have to realize that no matter what, a serious relationship right now would mean that SOME of the things in your life will change. Will it be the improv classes, the gym 6 times a week, the boot camp? What area of your life will suffer and will it be worth it to have intimacy again?

 

You have a lot to think about here, and I think the most important thing is to actually DO that thinking, and not just go through the motions of hanging out with him because it's comfortable. You may find yourself back in time.

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Thanks WaltWhit.

 

We had 8 months of NC before he contacted me the first time.

 

All of what you said has certainly been the topic of my thoughts for the last few weeks.

 

From what I've gleened from him thus far, the only thing that has changed for and with him is his job status. When we were together, he was in a high stressed, high pressure job that just the sound of a ringing phone would cause him to jump out of his skin. He talked in his sleep constantly and it was always always always a work related conversation he was having in his sleep.

 

Kevin was in a constant state of stress and job panic. All due to his passive aggressive Director.

 

About two weeks before the break-up, he changed jobs, still in the same field but in a more relaxed and accommodating atmosphere. Previously, he was in a team of 3, with his new job, a team of 25.

 

He says that now he's alot calmer, stops to smell the roses and that life is good. His poor eating habits have changed and he works out alot. I doubt that he's spent any time with a psychologist like I have though.

 

We are two peas in a pod. We have the same sense of humour and no one can make me laugh like he does. I don't have to censor myself around him.

 

I really don't know what to do. I'm afraid of getting hurt and at the same time, I'm afraid of not having him in my life. 8 months of NC was brutal (and yet I have to remember, I made it through 8 months and survived).

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Well, you just struck a personal chord. I was in the same shoes as your guy - and it caused the break-up of my relationship at the time. The nature of the job was such that I couldn't let any frustration out on the job, so it all came out when I got home to my girl. I was a completely different person then. Stress can definitely make a person into someone he/she is not.

 

But that is not necessarily a good reason to get back together with him. All signs point to the fact that things are different with him now. So I would say, continue to hang out with him, if you think you are strong enough to stop contact at the first red flags of things slipping into how they used to be. But you will have to be really honest with yourself...and with him!

 

I think that, as soon as possible, you should tell him or show him how you have changed, how happy you are with who you've become, and that under no circumstances will that change. In other words, make it very obvious to him that you will not tolerate things going back to the way they were. But I suggest you only employ this sort of dialogue if it starts to become necessary, otherwise I think you risk taking a fun, light and carefree thing and immediately turning it into a relationship.

 

I think that's the key actually, now that I think of it. The key is for you two to not make anything too serious. Don't talk about being exclusive, don't talk about being "back together" etc. Just go with the flow and enjoy each other's company.

 

As long as you are strong, you will know if or when it is time to bail. I think you can have faith in that.

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To WaltWhit

 

I am a fool. A total fool.

 

Lunch with the ex went well. Lasted for 3 hours. Good conversation, told me I looked like a "million bucks."

 

He called me twice tonight. On the second call, the truth came out: He wanted to know if I would be interested in no-strings-attached sex on a regular basis. He said that he would still pursue other interests and that I should do the same but in the meantime, he said he is sexually attracted to me and that in the last 8 months of NC, he often thought of calling me just for sex. He said that sex with me was great and that he missed it - not me but it.

 

I hung up the phone.

 

I feel so stupid. I thought that our conversations over the last 3 weeks were leading us on a path of reconciliation.

 

If I didn't have a lot to live for, at this moment, I wouldn't.

 

How could I have been so friggin' stupid.

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IMO I think maybe you two just needed a break from the relationship to get yourselves to a place where your both better and happier with yourselves. I'm sure everyone needs it from time to time and its hard to do within a relationship. take your time and go at a pace your comfy with.

as long as he didnt mistreat you, i dont see the harm with any of it.

 

I think it would be ok to try again, but just remember to put yourself first! i understand how you feel about losing yourself again when in a relationship.

 

keep doing what your doing now. test the waters a little at a time with him. if you think maybe the relationship just doesnt feel right, thats ok too. people change sometimes and unfortunately lovers grow apart.

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I know this sounds silly - but could he be saying that to you because he is afraid to be rejected. (ie. he is playing off the fact that all he wants is sex, so that if he gets rejected, it seems no harm was done to him?)

 

I'm only saying this because I've said that line to at least 2 guys in my past (I'm a girl) to play off the fact that I didn't like them anymore and just wanted to sleep with them - but in reality the thought of being with them had crossed my mind, but I didn't want to out right get rejected.

 

Also, as a second note, I don't think just sex is a bad thing if you are prepared for it. But since the fact that you are hurt, and you wanted a reconciliation, I do think going NC and rejected his offer is the wisest choice to make

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Sport,

 

I don't think you should feel stupid at all. after all, you went into this contact in order to find out what his motives were, and you did. And, I think that this no-strings-attached thing could be good, as long as you are ready for it. It doesn't sound like you are at this point, but I also don't think you were ready to jump back into a relationship either. I think this is the perfect invitation to continue your awesome progress on yourself, without the interference or the temptation to fall back into the old ways.

 

I really hope you can see the positivity in this. After all, I think you truly do want to work on yourself, and because you truly do want this, this is the best outcome of the situation. Instead of feeling stupid, I think you should feel great knowing that you have done such a positive work in yourself and that you get to continue that uninhibited.

 

I think this is just what you need. In fact, this could give you the ability to have all the benefits of an intimate relationship without you having to sacrifice any of yourself or the things you have enjoyed doing (the gym, improv, boot camp etc.) I just think you need to make sure you are in a place to understand that before you jump into a no-strings-attached sex relationship.

 

Just a side note though. Listen to how that sounds? No-Strings-Attached. Isn't that what you wanted after all? Not to have someone else holding your strings like a marianette? Instead, you get to orchestrate the performance that is your life. Who better?

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I hear what you're saying WaltWhit. I really don't need the trappings of a full-blown relationship but the intimacy with someone familiar would be nice. No, it would be great.

 

I guess my feelings of stupidity are more about the fact that he doesn't see me as a potential partner. That hurts.

 

He called me back tonight and we talked. He said that my new found self-confidence is really attractive to him. I am attracted to him as well and if the truth were to be told, I really don't want or need the day to day relationship stuff (I've got to much going on right now and I'm rather selfish with my time) but "the good stuff" would be quite nice.

 

I wonder what my shrink will say about all this??? LOL

 

Thanks again WaltWhit.

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To Broken34.

 

Your advice was absolutely not wasted. I wrote my response before I saw yours and I totally hear what you're saying.

 

I suspect I'm being played. He doesn't want ME, he just wants and needs to get laid and why not do so with someone familiar and STD-free!

 

The more I think about this, the more I wish I never answered his initial email breaking 8 months of NC. It's all just setting me back.

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God i am so glad..

 

I am sorry..i thought that you were totally buying into the casual sex thing..

 

You are worth so much more than that. A stranger willing to give you his all..deserves to have THAT...not the man that once said he loved you...really really wrong.

 

You were both in the rels and the rels fell sour for the both of you...can happen. But after all this time you have taken to get back to you...and now the price is his penis..

 

I am sorry...He is demeaning you to a booty call, because that is all he wants from you. Know thyself...you know in your heart that would not be what you want from him.

 

So thank you for responding back..

 

Your shrink can be proud of you after all ;-)

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well, obviously these posters disagree with me and that's totally cool. In fact, I think they are right. Although I personally don't think a no-strings-attached relationship with someone you love and are familiar and comfortable with is a horrible thing. It is certainly much better than having one with a complete stranger.

 

They are right though, I don't think you are ready for that, but only you can be the judge of that.

 

On a brighter note - I think it's amazing that he was so attracted to your self-confidence. I mean, that should tell you something about the progress you have made, even though I am sure you already knew it, sometimes it really does the trick for someone who knew you so well to notice it!

 

I know that you will find someone who wants you for all the right reasons, and wants to actually have a relationship. Especially since all the recent personal improvements! Just make sure you are ready for that serious relationship thing, and make SURE it is with the right person-the kind of person that will not ask you to sacrifice any of the things you love to do for them.

 

Everything good to you, Sport!

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Do not allow your vulnerability or your personal loneliness to make you a casual sex partner for someone who you once cared deeply for.. It cheapens the significance of what you once shared.. You have come so far in finding yourself again and are looking great, so wait for someone who wants to invest himself as a whole person in you..Dont undersell yourself.. tell him you are way too expensive for him now, he needs to find someone cheaper who will suits his needs more...and walk away dignified...you have come a long way ..dont look back..

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