He is still mad, will it ever be fine again?

[Glodenglamour]

Hi I just want to know if our relationship will ever work out. I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year 2 months now and I cheated on him 5 months ago. Lately for the past two weeks he has been getting rather nasty and says things like Maybe I should not have taken you back, you're not the woman I should be with then he goes into periods of giving me the silent treatment. Yet when he took me back he was nice, not like now.

 

Here is my stupid story: I made out and fool around with this guy I met online on 2 occasions but my boyfriend calls it 4 (he considers cybering and flashing on cam cheating) during the time we were on long distance. He had to visit his grandmother there and attend her while she is vulnerable. Anyways he told he he was going to come back in 8 days but another week past by and I was desperate. I would call him and he wouldn't answer the phone. I was worrying by now that I went out of my mind, my cousin set me out this dude and did what I did. So after so many frantic phone calls he took me back. I think he wanted to let me go once but still call me back crying.

 

Alright before you all start pointing fingers at me, I want to know if this can ever work out and him talking to me like before?

[waltwhit]

Not really sure what to tell you to do, but I am pretty sure about one thing. It won't be like how it was before. It will be impossible for him to forget that you cheated and so he will always have that question in the back of his mind "will she do it again"

 

I think the only way it will work between you two is if you break up and a LOT of time passes

[createhappiness]

Not really sure what to tell you to do, but I am pretty sure about one thing. It won't be like how it was before. It will be impossible for him to forget that you cheated and so he will always have that question in the back of his mind "will she do it again"

 

I think the only way it will work between you two is if you break up and a LOT of time passes

 

i agree - OR counseling.

[Glodenglamour]

I think the only way it will work between you two is if you break up and a LOT of time passes

 

I did told him that I would seriously want him to break up with me if I were to do it again, which I know I will not. I am kind of confuse as to why he is nasty to me now and not in that moment when he found out what I done to him.

 

He did wanted to break up with me last month but the next day he calls me and asked me back with tears in his eyes. So he was nice then and yet now isn't. I don't think he even likes me but if he doesn't why doesn't he let go of me. I also ask him if he still love me and he says yes.

[Maroney555]

How old are you??

 

I don't think you two should be togehter... Obviously aomething was/is missing for you to cyber and flash another man. I consider that cheating. I know my man would be LIVID if I did that and I know I'd be pissed if he was having cyber sex with someone.

[waltwhit]

He was nice then because he was trying to get you back and was desperate to have you back. He isn't nice now because he has you, and he has the upper hand in the relationship now. At least in his mind, because you are the one that cheated on him. Also, another reason he is probably not nice now is because he realizes that you cheated on him, and the anger has sunk in. Before, he was just trying to get you back, but now he has you and he has to live with the reality that you cheated on him.

 

Also, you telling me that you told him he should break up with you if you did it again makes me think that he is kind of a weak guy. I mean who asks for permission to break up with someone??

[Glodenglamour]

How old are you??

19

I don't think you two should be togehter... Obviously aomething was/is missing for you to cyber and flash another man.

 

No I love this guy, I know I won't ever do it again. I told him that many times. In fact now I would reject any advances from guys. Nothing was missing it was him not calling or coming back from his trip like he say so i went completely wild and started acting out the way I did. All those cheating happened all that moment, all at once. First the kissing then the fooling around the next day, but I manage to stop myself when it was coming close to actually having sex with him. I say no and run away. Next it was the cam inicidence, I went really crazy, I was desperate when I wouldn't reached him.

[MyheartorHis]

Look, if he took you back... he should've forgiven you. You can't hold onto the past and still try to work on the future at the same time. You did what you did... if he wasn't so sure about thing, he never should have taken you back. That's not fair for either of you and gives you a lot of false hope in the end if he finally ends it again because of the past.

 

Honestly, if any guy ever told me "Maybe I should not have taken you back, you're not the woman I should be with" then I would break up with them. How hurtful. You did what you did, you suffered the consequences, there shouldn't be anymore punishment if you are going to take someone back...

[Glodenglamour]

Also, you telling me that you told him he should break up with you if you did it again makes me think that he is kind of a weak guy. I mean who asks for permission to break up with someone??

 

I would not want him to take me back if I were to do it again, that's common sense.

[MyheartorHis]

I would not want him to take me back if I were to do it again, that's common sense.

 

Then why do it again?

 

Or better yet... if you were in the situation again where you wanted to cheat... why not break up with him first?

[Glodenglamour]

Honestly, if any guy ever told me "Maybe I should not have taken you back, you're not the woman I should be with" then I would break up with them. How hurtful. You did what you did, you suffered the consequences, there shouldn't be anymore punishment if you are going to take someone back...

 

I agree, I have been working on this while he is mean now though he still says he loves me even after what I did. I just keep hoping it will get better and he will eventually be like before when he took me back.

[MyheartorHis]

Okay, better advice (sorry, I got to thinking)...

 

I think what he is feeling is that he is used to being with you, in a relationship with you, and just being taken overall. Isn't that what most people miss when they first break up (dumper and dumpee)? Maybe he isn't sure how to figure out on how he is feeling. He is probably hurt and then again, he knows he will miss you... So he is trying to be in a relationship with someone who cheated on him and that is making him angry towards you with the confusion. You get what I mean? Put yourself in his shoes...

[Glodenglamour]

Then why do it again?

 

No I won't ever do it again, I love him.

 

Or better yet... if you were in the situation again where you wanted to cheat... why not break up with him first?

 

If I was in that situation first is him on my mind and I would thus reject the guy's advances. In fact there was this occasion on my cousin's party where this guy tried to kiss me and I back off and walk away, told him I had a boyfriend I love. So you see I wouldn't do it no more and haven't done it since.

[simply complicated]

It won't be the same because he'll never fully trust you, for every missed call, or outting that he isn't there, he's gonna be worrying, and wondering where you really are and who your really with, and fights will happen sporadically.

 

It's something you have to seriously sit down and talk to him about, can he continue the relationship without bringing up the past, he made a conscious choice to take you back and forgive you, so can he do that without bringing it up outta the blue, and even if he can, he won't trust you anyways, the relationship won't be the same, so now it's a matter of wheather or not you wanna put up with it, do you wanna go through his random arguments and silent treatments.

 

If you ask me, it's not gonna work out, you were tempted, and gave in, the story of most relationships.

[abouttime]

If I can make a point or two. First what the hell are you arguing about whether its two or four times. Think for a second. If your boyfriend was on the internet having sex talk and e-mailing pictures of himself. Would you consider that cheating? Of course you would. Don't argue with him about that. You cheated 4 times (like it matters to you?)

 

Next, the reason he doesn't leave, is because he loves you. Duh?

 

The reason he won't drop the subject is because he is in PAIN. Again, Duh?

 

He told you his grams was sick. He stays a few extra days and you cheat.

All that crap about you trying to call and him not calling back, is called blame shifting

 

The reason he can't heal is because you don't accept full responsibility. You say "if he hadn't drove me crazy i would have kept my clothes on. And I only cheated twice not for times".

 

If you want to try and fix it. And I may make a suggestion. When he is acting rational. Sit him down and say this.

 

I love you. I know what I did was a betrayal of our love, and i accept full and complete responsibility for my actions. I will not argue about the number of times. I admit that all incidents of my unfaithfulness were cheating. I will not shift the blame anymore saying that you drove me crazy by not calling me. That is not an excuse for what I did. I will spend the rest of our time together trying to restore your faith and love in me. But you and I deserve to put this behind us for the sake of our relationship. This is entirely up to you. I ask your forgiveness. The last thing I want is to cause you more pain. If you feel that you can't ever forgive me, I will understand. But I do love you and want to make our relationship better, and feel that you may want to take sometime to process your feelings for me. If you come back to me, I will consider this behind us. When I see the pain in your face i know you will be remembering what i have done. When that happens i will understand what is going on. In those times if you need to take time and clear your head. I will wait. I want you to know that I love you. And want what is best for you. And if that is with me, wonderful. But if it is not i will understand if you want to end our relationship. The choice is yours.

[chaosa]

You'll never get that trust back with him. I would move on and let him begin healing so he can learn to trust his next girlfriend.

[Glodenglamour]

It won't be the same because he'll never fully trust you

 

I agree it will not be the same but if we work this out, it can get stronger. I been honest with him ever since. I think we can make it. It will take time but we can.

 

If I can make a point or two. First what the hell are you arguing about whether its two or four times. Think for a second. If your boyfriend was on the internet having sex talk and e-mailing pictures of himself. Would you consider that cheating? Of course you would. Don't argue with him about that. You cheated 4 times (like it matters to you?)

 

You're right doesn't really make a difference, I still cheated on him, thus treating him poorly. If he took me back then I must be special to him and he loves me else he would have drop me long ago.

 

When he is acting rational. Sit him down and say this.

 

I love you. I know what I did was a betrayal of our love, and i accept full and complete responsibility for my actions. I will not argue about the number of times. I admit that all incidents of my unfaithfulness were cheating. I will not shift the blame anymore saying that you drove me crazy by not calling me. That is not an excuse for what I did. I will spend the rest of our time together trying to restore your faith and love in me. But you and I deserve to put this behind us for the sake of our relationship. This is entirely up to you. I ask your forgiveness. The last thing I want is to cause you more pain. If you feel that you can't ever forgive me, I will understand. But I do love you and want to make our relationship better, and feel that you may want to take sometime to process your feelings for me. If you come back to me, I will consider this behind us. When I see the pain in your face i know you will be remembering what i have done. When that happens i will understand what is going on. In those times if you need to take time and clear your head. I will wait. I want you to know that I love you. And want what is best for you. And if that is with me, wonderful. But if it is not i will understand if you want to end our relationship. The choice is yours.

 

Thank you I will be telling him this tomorrow. Today was almost the same as the past two weeks, the silent treatment again. I just end up crying and told him I would be a complete open book and do anything to get his trust back if he can just please forgive me and talk to me that I won't ever hurt him like that again. So after begging him and giving him a kiss along with crying at the same time he agree he would but it'll take time. From then on we started talking again, hope it worked out. Though I'm prepare if he still shows his anger and hurt about it again as I'm fully responsible for this.

[loulee]

QUOTE..he considers cybering and flashing on cam cheating)

 

WELL THEN HE would be very correct in thinking this is cheating BECAUSE IT IS>.perhaps because of the moral code that you believe in within this relationship your boyfriend has learnt after quickly reconciling with you that he really doesnt think he can ever trust you. I also wonder how you have gone about earning your trust OR if you have tried to justify yourself that it wasnt as big a deal as he made out.. Only 2 times not 4 for example..there is not one part of this cheating incident that you should not express deep regret and sorrow for and be actively doing all you can to make your partner believe in you again...he currently does not trust you...have you earnt it??.. do you offer him reassurance when he gets quiet etc..show him you care with kindness at these times...change your thinking.. try and have patience.. it takes an awful long time to retrust a cheater...many people NEVER really do or at least not in the way they used to before....your relationship cannot move forward unless you both make the commitment to do so......good luck

[Botched]

Okay, there is some bad advise here in my opinion. Namely, suggesting that he is failing is way off, based on what we know. There is no "should" to forgiving.

 

I am struck by the line that says HE thinks using web cams online is cheating, and you don't. Well, it is. Hooking up in any way with another is cheating. If you are still suggesting, or he just knows that you think, that this is somehow okay then you are feeding his insecurity with your announcement that such behavior is okay. He assumes you intend to do it again. I would and do assume as much.

 

I think NO is your answer. I can't think that your attitude about the situation is helpfull to him at all. And he needed you to be there %110. It sounds like your not.

[Rabican]

Cybering and flashing another guy is cheating... especially if its cheating to him.

 

Cheating is defined by the spouse of the offender. IF he feels its cheating, then it is. Good luck finding a man who wouldnt view it that way.

 

If you really love him and want to be with him then let him work through this. Tell him you are sorry, do what you can to make him know that it wont happen again... and hopefully in time hell be ok with it. That betrayal isnt something thatll be forgiven and forgotten immediately. Even if he says ok baby I forgive you... something he may see or hear may reopen that wound from time to time and that might set him off. Its up to you both to decide if you can work through that or not.

[Rabican]

You know I bet if she said this that would go a long long long long way towards healing him and regaining that trust. Very well said. Only say it if you mean it though....