Asked out to lunch

[redhamster]

So my ex-girlfriend and I are both on winter break from college and we've seen each other twice at pick-up soccer games (that she invited me to) over the past month. Between the summer and winter break, we had no contact. At the soccer games, we've been friendly and even flirtatious, but nothing beyond casual banter. Anyway, the last time we played she said we should go out to lunch, and I said that would be fine. Now today she texted me and asked to go tomorrow, and I agreed. The last two times we've been out to lunch post-breakup, in may and in august, we've gotten along so well and I've been left miserable afterwards. So my question is, what does her texting me and wanting to go to lunch say about her feelings, and how do I protect myself from getting sucked into wishful thinking again? thanks everyone!

[redhamster]

just to give an update, we had lunch today. During lunch itself we were very talkative and friendly. She kicked me under the table a few times when i was joking around. Then we left and walked around for abit, like an hour and a half. It was so much fun and i know she was enjoying herself too. Again she pushed me a couple times when i would tease her and what not. We talked about how neither of our parents knew we were out to lunch, and how neither would be pleased about it. Then was an awkward pause and she said "but i still want to be your friend." I just said yeah, and then a long awkward pause. Eventually we got back to our cars and hugged. She invited me to go to a movie with her and a few mutual friends tomorrow. I texted her about something earlier and we went back and forth for a while. I'm just so confused. I know she said she wants to be friends, but why then would she be acting the way she was. It seemed so obvious she was flirting with me, and i just wish i could talk to her about it, but i have in the past and got rejected. i care about her so much and i wish there was a way to get a straight resolution.

[midnightrambler]

you are getting sucked in

[HopeArises]

Oh man, you and I are in the same position right now. I feel for you bro. Read up on my thread which is on the first page.

 

Okay, I don't know why she broke up with you, but it seems like you handled the breakup well enough that she still wants you in her life and that's pretty much obvious.

 

Her bringing up being your friend is something I'm getting from my ex too. I've been out with her a few times since the breakup and I'm seeing her tomorrow for ice skating. At times it's awkward when the feelings are there, but they CANNOT and SHOULD NOT be brought up. It WILL push her away GUARANTEED. At times we flirt and are like our OLD SELVES. It's hard when we say goodbye, that's for sure. It takes patience, courage and strength to do it.

 

If you love her, be in her life. Be her friend for now and what I believe is that it's safer for her this way for now. For whatever reason, she doesn't want to give you the idea or hope that you guys may have a chance to get back together again, BUT, I believe there are still feelings there.

 

Play it cool. Be happy and fun when with her and see what happens.

[HopeArises]

you are getting sucked in

 

No he is NOT.

[redhamster]

Thanks HopeArises, I know she must have some level of feeling for me. We broke up last march on great terms, it was an issue of distance because we went to high school together but were apart at college. I know she still cares about me, or else she wouldn't be inviting me places or wanting to spend time with me. I could even accept her having feelings for me but not wanting to get back together because of how hard it was. The problem is she won't give even give me that. Its very difficult to feel like she really cares about me, but have her being distant and non-committal about it.

[HopeArises]

Thanks HopeArises, I know she must have some level of feeling for me. We broke up last march on great terms, it was an issue of distance because we went to high school together but were apart at college. I know she still cares about me, or else she wouldn't be inviting me places or wanting to spend time with me. I could even accept her having feelings for me but not wanting to get back together because of how hard it was. The problem is she won't give even give me that. Its very difficult to feel like she really cares about me, but have her being distant and non-committal about it.

 

Once again, I completely understand, because I'm in the exact same position. I go out and have fun with her. We laugh. We hug. We smile. We joke around and we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. She goes back to her place and I go back to mine. The feelings are still there and I think that if you can play your cards right, she will realize that she is missing out on WAY MORE good times with you. Be there for her as friend. Listen to her. Support her and then give her some space, so that she will miss you in between the times you guys speak/see each other.

 

I've been doing it for 5 weeks. It's not easy and I miss her and would love to be with her, but it's not written in the cards for now. Things happen for a reason I believe and if it's meant to be, don't break contact. Live your own life and keep her in yours, but don't make her your life, until she is ready to commit again. Go slowly bro. That's the advice I have for you and it is the same advice I am following right now.

[redhamster]

Thanks alot, its so hard to be patient when I only get to see her when we're home from school, but you're completely right. I need to take a step back. I know if i keep pouring out my feelings when i see her i'm not going to get her to change, and if i stick around, even as a friend, her feelings might change.

[HopeArises]

Thanks alot, its so hard to be patient when I only get to see her when we're home from school, but you're completely right. I need to take a step back. I know if i keep pouring out my feelings when i see her i'm not going to get her to change, and if i stick around, even as a friend, her feelings might change.

 

Oooooooooh, I didn't know you poor out your feelings whenever you see her. If you're still doing that, STOP RIGHT NOW. Seriously, she will never come back if you do that. You need a certain level of detachment when with her. Like you are fine with or without her in your life. This way, she won't be calling all the shots, because right now both your ex and my ex are in control of this process.

 

Some would say to break all contact with them so that they don't get what they want, but I think you can still maintain contact and not let them feel like they can put you on a shelf when they don't need you.

[redhamster]

Oooooooooh, I didn't know you poor out your feelings whenever you see her.

 

...yeah the last time i did that was at the end of the summer. we had a great lunch but then i got emotional and texted her and ended going with 'do you really not feel anything for me anymore?'. not one of my prouder moments. She responded that nothing she says will make me feel better and that she wanted to be my friend. I havent given her anything emotional since then and don't plan on doing so. I figure its her turn to try if she wants to at all.

[HopeArises]

...yeah the last time i did that was at the end of the summer. we had a great lunch but then i got emotional and texted her and ended going with 'do you really not feel anything for me anymore?'. not one of my prouder moments. She responded that nothing she says will make me feel better and that she wanted to be my friend. I havent given her anything emotional since then and don't plan on doing so. I figure its her turn to try if she wants to at all.

 

Oh, that's not too bad. Funny, I said the EXACT same thing to my ex. I asked her the question (more like in the form of a statement): "You're really completely over me, aren't you?" I got the same reaction as you did.

 

It's quite frustrating at how CASUAL and emotionally detached they can be, knowing that if you were that way with them when in the relationship, they would have FREAKED out and started getting insecure and crying. At least I know my ex used to.

 

Now, it's acceptable for them to treat us as though we never shared any intimacy together. It's kind of hurtful and frustrating both at the same time.

 

Oh well, it's the price we have to pay for F'n up (at least in my case!)

[redhamster]

It's quite frustrating at how CASUAL and emotionally detached they can be

 

That's really what get me. Last night I played soccer with her, and we talked with more than usual since we had just had lunch and had more to talk about. And she was much more flirtatious, touching me and pushing me. Then we went to a friends house and watched a movie and we kept sharing glances and everything. I ended up driving her home and when we got home she said it was really good to see you and she'll see me in the summer. I was so upset. I was expecting something more, but i guess i shouldn't have.

[redhamster]

i talked to a friend this morning who was at soccer last night. She said my ex had mentioned our long lunch and that we both flirted shamelessly. i don't know what to think. Also my ex invited me to a movie tomorrow night with her and one of my best friends.

[SighSob]

It looks to me as she is playing with your feelings a little too much...you sure you're doing the right thing?

[coldplay.]

Go for it, the first poster said you were 'being sucked in' but the way i see it, if your going on solo dates with her, and your having fun, so i see nothing wrong except one thing.

 

 

You cant expect anything or you will be hurt. This expectation will only grow and grow every time you see her, and is the source of your pain, dont do it to yourself, keep being cool, and she will keep flirting and it might happen. If not today, if not next week or whenever but it may.

 

LC can take a long time, but you need to keep your cool during, dont get cold feet, or to anxious.

[redhamster]

haha it's hard to say SighSob. She really isn't the manipulative type and I know she cares about me to a certain extent. Because we go to different schools, it makes it difficult to avoid seeing her when i get a chance. I know I shouldn't hold out hope because I'll just keep hurting myself whenever nothing happens, but at the same time, if we're both in town for the same week and she invites me to lunch or we see each other at soccer, I can't avoid talking to her. The core problem is that we never fought or anything when we were together and there's no reason for us to be angry at each other now, so when we see each other its so easy to fall back into the way we were. I am completely fine with that. She on the other hand, seems resistant to get into anything beyond flirting

[Comeback_Kid]

Buddy, I was in the same situation! And kudos to us all, we must be pretty damn cool for our exes to feel the need to keep us around!

 

ANYWAYS, I think we all know that the pushing, kicking, flirting etc. are obviously indicators of interest on her part, and her baiting you with the "I just want to be friends" line is a test, which you should respond to with complete indifference and uninterest; what I mean is, let her know subtly that you aren't hung up on the relationship, and over it. She wants a guy who is stronger than the relationship you two had and happy independently. You should've SEEN the look on my exes face when she was doing the same thing your girl is doing to you, and she was like "Hey so theres a party tomorrow night, wanna go with me" and then I dropped subtly"Um, I got plans already, thanks..." and let it trail off. She immediately got a curious/jealous look on her face, and her body language completely shifted to me(it was beautiful to watch) and I said, "Um, well, a friend", as I lightly grinned. Immediately I could just see jealousy on her face, and thats how the process begins for you to regain control of the dynamic between you two, at least it works for me

 

Good luck brother

[redhamster]

to give an update, i hung out with my ex and one of our mutual best friends last night. We saw a movie and she and I talked through most of it. We went to get food afterward with a couple other people, then the three of us went back to my friends house where our cars were. I thought the night was over but then my ex said she didnt feel like going home yet. My friend gave me a look when she turned away (he's good friends with both of us but he's on my team haha) and we all went inside and talked for 2 hours. Anyway, when she and I finally left at 2 in the morning, we had some kind of moment in his driveway. We hugged once and we said to have fun at school etc. and she said she'd let me know if she were going to be at the same volleyball tourney as me in february. I said okay and then she hugged me again, and not the shy hugs we had been giving when we saw eachother, it was closer and tighter than that, and just a few seconds longer than usual. And when we let go, our arms kinda dragged and I gave her the tiniest squeeze on her hand (if that makes sense). and that was it, she said I should email her as she walked to her car and I said i would. I have no doubt that she still has feelings for me, and realize how tough our situation really is. When we were standing out there it was like we both realized we couldn't do anything. She's leaving today for school and we won't see each other for at least a few months. So, I'm feeling comforted by her actions but at the same time a little depressed knowing it might not be possible to do anything for a long time.

[redhamster]

Does anyone have any advice on how i should proceed from here? She kind of put the ball in my court to contact her. How long do i wait? and any insight on what her actions mean? Thanks so much you guys have been wonderful