Why is it so easy for her????

[scarred]

My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me November 29. She had a new boyfriend two weeks later. She's not even taking it slow with him, quite the opposite. It's "really effortless", as she put it. Her breaking up with me is one thing, but the ease she has moved on with is another. I want SO BADLY to believe that she really did love me. That I really was special to her. But if I did mean something to her, there is no way this would be so easy for her. We did not have a bad relationship at all, we rarely fought, there was no abuse or anything of the sort that would help me understand why she would easily cut ties. WHY AM I SO EASY TO THROW AWAY?!?

[keith515]

You have to understand that not everyone grieves the same way. Look it up.

 

For some people they can't imagine being in a relationship for a long time. For others, the pain of being alone and single is too much to bear and having a BF, any BF, will do. Some people are also more skilled at forgetting about their pain. Actually, I should say blocking out the pain. I know a lot of people who have suffered emotional abuse as a child learn how to do this. I'm not saying she was but I know it happens.

 

On the surface, it may look like she has tossed you aside and forgot all about you. But like I said, that's the surface. If you were able to look closer you would be able to see the true pain. But again, as some people are skilled at blocking their pain, they are also skilled at covering up the pain. She wants to keep it hidden because she doesn't want you to think she is hurting.

[simply complicated]

My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me November 29. She had a new boyfriend two weeks later. She's not even taking it slow with him, quite the opposite. It's "really effortless", as she put it. Her breaking up with me is one thing, but the ease she has moved on with is another. I want SO BADLY to believe that she really did love me. That I really was special to her. But if I did mean something to her, there is no way this would be so easy for her. We did not have a bad relationship at all, we rarely fought, there was no abuse or anything of the sort that would help me understand why she would easily cut ties. WHY AM I SO EASY TO THROW AWAY?!?

 

She's full of it, it's one of two things, one being, that this new guy is a rebound, and a sad front to hide how she really feels about you.

Or second, if she is already serious with this new guy, then maybe he isn't as new as you think, it's possible that things have been going on behind your back.

 

Rarely fought? thats one of the problems, fighting is good, it's actually healthy, just not so often, but a relationship of 4 years and hardly any fights says something. I had the same problem with my first ex, like others on this site have made me realize, I put her high up on a pedestal, avoiding fights cause I was always a yes man to her, only cared about what she thought, it was bad, and it didn't work out, she lost interest and easily got rid of me. It seemed like there was no love loss for her.

[scarred]

^ He isn't new. She used to work with him, and they emailed back and forth "as friends" after he went through a divorce sometime in 2008. I don't believe they did anything physically, she really wouldn't do that. But she was lying to herself, and me, thinking that there wasn't more than a friendship between them at some level, mentally at least.

 

But how does a person just pick up and leave so easily after so many good times? After four years, after talk about marriage and spending the rest of our lives together. I meant every part of that, apparently she didn't.

 

I don't exactly tend to see people as better than they really are. I don't have much faith in people in general. When I found somebody like her, I thought it was different. She's the best person I've met in my life, honestly. I would not have been in a relationship with her if I didn't believe she was a great person, I'm not one of the people who need to be in a relationship and have been single for years at a time without a problem.

 

But when somebody I loved as much as her just throws me away, how can I ever trust somebody with my heart again? It was hard enough to find someone like her, and even she seems to have no problem replacing me immediately after a long term relationship.

[HeartGoesOn]

It sounds like maybe she already had this guy lined up, and waiting in the wings.

 

Also, a dumper usually has already made up their mind to end it, long before announcing it to their partner, and is much further ahead, as far as the emotional feelings that go with it.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

 

Take care...

[simply complicated]

The biggest gamble anyone could ever take, is letting their guard down and loving somoone to the fullest.

 

I think it's best that you stop talking to her for awhile, despite how she presents herself, there is no way that she's just forgotten about you in anyway, or doesn't care for you at all, and if you don't think so, cut her off for awhile.

Has she asked you to stay friends with her?

[scarred]

Yes, she tells me that she hopes we can remain friends. She didn't have too many friends that she saw on a regular basis and I we really were best friends. I want very much to keep that, as I love talking to her (our relationship was not anywhere near based on sex) but I just don't think I can. Not right now, anyway. I've been trying to talk to her on occasion, but I lose it. I'm such a mess right now. I guess it would make me feel slightly better if this were hard for her as well. At least then I would know that she wasn't lying all the times she told me that she loved me.

[Muncy]

Hey Scarred,

 

Mate I know what you are going through. I can tell you are really struggling and can feel your pain and suffering through your words.

 

I've been going through a similar experience with you, we talked about marriage, getting a house together and having kids aswell (Decided what names we were going to call them).

When you said how can they just forget about you. Well I don't know how they do it but the other posters before me have some great information that will give you some insight into why or how she has.

 

I can tell you Scarred that there is no easy fix for your suffering. You have to accept this pain and acknowledge that these emotions are real for you and let your body, mind and spirit digest them. Please look after yourself.

 

To help you through this rough time I spoke to alot of people. Family and friends and even people at work i hardly knew. You will be surprised how many people have gone through the same experience and can help you in dealing with the loss. I have made some good friends by talking about my relationship problems.

Then there are some of the ol cliches - but I won't kid you they do make it easier for you in the long run. Try and eat well, exercise is great as it releases analgesic chemicals to help you relax. Get busy - catch up with your mates, go out to the movies, restaurants, clubs etc just keep your mind occupied.

 

Scarred I can't offer you a magic potion to get rid of the pain or provide the answers. I learnt the hard way that the only person who can make it better is YOU. Friends and family can help but it unfortunately lands on your shoulders. But you know what Scarred you will become a better person for it I swear.It sucks but you can overcome this little hump in your life - You are on the right track with asking for help on ENA. You sound like a guy with his head screwed on right and his feet firmly on the ground.

 

Take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself.

Feel free to post as much as you like or if you want send us a PM.

 

Take care,

Travis

[franfran]

I guess it would make me feel slightly better if this were hard for her as well. At least then I would know that she wasn't lying all the times she told me that she loved me.

 

Total kicker. Who knows if they meant it, they probably didn't even know if they meant it. It just doesn't matter anymore. I'm so sorry for what you're going through...I know what it's like, only I am 2 1/2 months in. Keep your head held high and keep her out of your life. I don't think being friends with her is what you need right now. You need to reconnect with yourself and grow from the situation. Take care.

[scarred]

Thanks everyone for your posts. I know rationally that being friends with her is probably not the best thing for me right now. I simply can't handle it. I can't imagine trying to hang out with her and my replacement - would not be good. What's really tough is that she is the only person I've really been able to open up to about things. And now I can't talk to her about this. I'm lost. I guess posting anonymously on this forum will have to do. There are some good people here, and I appreciate everyone who takes the time to read and post on this thread.

[SighSob]

Hey scarred I feel you!

I too have been thrown away after a 2.5 relationship, and it looks like she had moved on from me the moment she dumped me! I have a theory about it, which I'll call the "opposite direction theory".

 

First off, keep in mind that when your girl dumped you, she had already been thinking about it for MONTHS. She had plenty of time to prepare herself to being without you. What has been a shock to you to her looked just like the final, tiny step. It's like jet-lag. The pain you're feeling now, she had already felt it during the months she has been wondering about breaking up with you. She feels free now, while you (and I, and every dumpee) are still enjoying the pain.

 

Now, here comes my theory...

 

Dumpee's Point Of View

 

DAY 1

You get dumped out of the blue. The relationship wasn't bad at all, so you were not expecting it to end all of a sudden. You don't want it to end this way, it seems so unfair to you! She's the girl of your life and what you built with her in those X years is worth fighting for. Unfortunately, she's not of the same advice. She "is not love with you anymore", "needs space", etc.

 

DAY 2 ----> 14

You can't help but think every moment what a wonderful girl she was, and how many special moments you've shared together. She was the one! The pain is unbearable.

 

DAY 15 ----> 30

 

She has already moved on. You're still thinking about her every day. Life is just unfair...

 

DAY 30 ----> 60

 

Both you and your ex start to realize something, but in opposite directions. You love her, but she had her flaws too...and the relationship wasn't going in a good direction/had its problems/etc....

She stops seeing you as "the past", "the mistake", "the wrong guy for her", "the living flaw"...good sides of you come back in her mind together with the memories...afterall there's got to be a reason if she stayed with you for X years...but she convinces herself that she has to move on and you two aren't meant to be together anymore.

 

DAY 61 ----> Forever

 

You have moved on from her. You may still like her, love her, would like to get back with her cause you think she was a good match, but your life is still going and you are happy anyway. YOU ARE FREE!

 

She starts missing you. She starts questioning her choice. You two matched well together after all...and the little things she found in you she realizes she won't find in anyone else..."ooooh what did I do?" The bads of the relationship faded away...it's only good memories now. "Maybe I should give him another chance? What is he doing right now? Oh * * * * what did I do? I have lost him forever!!!!" SHE IS * * * * ED!!

 

 

 

That's why I call it "opposite direction theory". Of course this is just a sketch, and it's all to dumpee's advantage...but I think that the concept has some truth inside: if the dumper has been using mind-tricks (consciously or not) to avoid the grieving of the loss of a person (cause no matter how bad the relationship was, you can't move on that easily after you've been together for a person for 4 years...) it will backfire on him/her sooner or later.

As days go by, the dumpee approachs freedom and acceptance (no choice!)...while the dumper approachs doubts and regret...of course the better the dumpee gets in the meantime (that's why you want to work on yourself after you've been dumped instead of sitting in a dark corner crying all day), the bigger the dumper's regrets...

 

The bottom line is: don't worry scarred, she's just fooling herself. The pain you're feeling now, she will feel it later (hopefully).

[susiesad]

Im going through the same situation as you. We had talked about a future, children, buying a home together. I completely trusted and loved him. Then out of the blue, he dropped me like a hot potato (only difference is mine declared he is a natural born batchelor!!) The way Im trying to look at it is, they MUST have loved us at some point to be with us and say the things they did, AT THE TIME. Clearly their feelings have altered for whatever reason, sometimes its best not knowing why. Do we really want to be with that person knowing they dont want us??? If we did get back together, it would be tarnished, and we would forever be walking on egg shells just waiting for them to leave us again. I cant eat, sleep, and he is my every waking thought, Its killing me not to call or text, but surely the only way we will truly know if they love and miss us is by leaving them alone and seeing if they miss us???

[SighSob]

Yep Susie. If they don't come back, it just isn't meant to be anymore. It takes two to tango...

[searching1951]

Well, same situation here. 2 year "relationship." I put it in quotes because I'm not sure it was in any sense a loving relationship on her side. I wanted a little more time to decide on marriage because we had some multiple fights/break-up/get-back-togethers. She is desperate to get married, but she is in awful financial peril and I think she wants someone to rescue her. Then her old boyfriend, "just a friend," entered the picture about 5-6 months ago. Finally, on the heels of my having an MRI, but before any diagnosis was rendered , she dumps me (on Nov. 25), and is now back with the old boyfriend. She has never bothered to inquire whether I was diagnosed with cancer or not! I'm quite sure the old boyfriend has the $$ to bail her out, and this gold-digging is playing

a major role here. I expect to hear they are getting married before long.

 

So when you ask "how can they do it?" I must say that I could never do it, as I would be reamed with guilt, but then look at all the other pathological things they do. Could you dump your gf just before she had a lump biopsy..and then NOT inquire of the results?

Can you explain to me what kind of person would do that? Squeaky Fromme? The mother of little Caylee? I know its easy to say "you are lucky to be rid of her" but we all know the mind does'nt work that way.

 

Only course is recovery via toytal NC, exercise, no alcohol/drugs, masterbate while thinking about other women, etc. etc.

[searching1951]

I think the "Opposite Direction Theory" of Sighsob is profoundly true (I actually had a similar theory when I got dumped by my wife 13 years ago). The person who acts with character (the dumpee in this case) wins in the long run. The person who acts without character (dumper) will ultimately have a very rough time..not always.. but I think in the majority of cases its true.

[heaven66]

Yes I agree..it has nothing to do with you...some women will go on a rebound same as guys just because the pain is too much to bare...4 yrs in a relationship is alot..im sure she is just covering up the pain. And maybe simplycomplicated is right..maybe this is something that was going on behind your back.

[Travelin99]

Scarred -

 

I'm in a similar situation myself. 7 year relationship, best friends, talking about marriage, having a house and a life together, we were in love, and then all of a sudden she's "not in love anymore." It's enough to drive you crazy wondering how they just shut off their emotions like that, so all we can do is move forward and better ourselves.

 

Believe me, your girl is struggling with this no matter how happy she seems with new guy. It's just a rebound and something to keep her occupied at the moment. She'll have to deal with this sooner or later. You'll be in a better place when that happens.

 

I saw a post on here yesterday that said it's just a law of the universe - when WE (the dumpees) start moving on and gaining confidence and enjoying our lives, THEY(the dumpers) always begin to have doubts and regrets and sometimes come crawling back. Then it's up to us whether WE want THEM back or if we're better off without them.

 

I still love my ex (we've been NC for 34 days now), but if she came crawling back, I don't know if I could take her unless she was absolutely 100% committed to dealing with the past problems and putting in the effort to make this relationship work. It would have to be a true reconciliation instead of just "getting back together."

[Sev]

It helps me to read that other people are going through exactly what im going through. Not in a sick way, just makes me feel im not alone in my pain.

 

Im just mad she did it to me at xmas! Its really put me on a downer!

[searching1951]

I get the impression that almost all break-ups are lopsided AND a third party is

often involved. Here's the equation:

 

Relationship = DUMPEE (temporary loser, pines for the ex early on,

lotsa pain and sorrow, heals, forgets ex, eventual winner)

+ DUMPER (temporary winner, runs of with another, more shallow behavior,

pines for ex later, eventual loser)

 

It makes me feel good to think the ex will get her come-uppins, but even better

to think I'll find a true love some day, even at my age of 57.

[SighSob]

I get the impression that almost all break-ups are lopsided AND a third party is

often involved. Here's the equation:

 

Relationship = DUMPEE (temporary loser, pines for the ex early on,

lotsa pain and sorrow, heals, forgets ex, eventual winner)

+ DUMPER (temporary winner, runs of with another, more shallow behavior,

pines for ex later, eventual loser)

 

It makes me feel good to think the ex will get her come-uppins, but even better

to think I'll find a true love some day, even at my age of 57.

 

You're so right. That's what I tried to say too, even though I made it a lot more complicated lol...

[cookiedough1]

what if there is no 3rd party??? In a way, a part of me wishes there was, because I would find that as a reason to move on and forget about my ex.

He ended it because he saw no future....even though we did see a future together before in the relationship....

 

It's taking everything in me not to just pick up the phone and call him...especially because I know he would talk to me. But, I don't want to get friendzoned (I feel that it would be playing into exactly what he wants).

[scarred]

Wow, a lot of posts since I last logged on. THANK YOU SO MUCH. I really needed it right now. It hurts so bad, all I can think about is her and her boyfriend (they are spending the weekend together skiiing at his parents cabin. Kick in the stomach for me). Although nobody here knows me, you all help me feel like I'm not completely alone. Like you all care about how I'm feeling, if only a little, at a time when I feel like the person who claimed to care about me so much before seems to care so little now.

 

I don't know what I would do without this forum. I'm actually scared of what I would do. I feel like she has completely broken me. I try to tell myself that I'll heal, but I just don't see it. Can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope it's there, somewhere

[UCLAMike]

u will. i am the last guy on enotalone who u would suspect of being better.

 

I really am. Been NC for 11 days now since Xmas Eve, but have been broken up 5 months ago. Rough ride and I literally almost died. But I realize you really know the person's character when they no longer have anymore vested interest in you and you see how they deal with ppl no longer useful. My ex dealt with her breakup in a terrible manner and I am just glad Im not associated with somebody of that character any longer.

[heaven66]

aaww..please don't say that and I think I can say in behalve of all of us here that we do care, you are a humane being and though its true we don't know you we feel your pain, because at one point of our lives or another we all have been there..for me it was 1 yr ago...it was hard but I made it..and then i met my bf now and he is great. You will also find someone else, even though its nit what you want to hear right now but it will happen...The sun comes out every day and a new day will make it better. Good Luck

[scarred]

I have been okay for a couple hours, but I can feel myself coming back down again. Am I losing it, or is it normal to have such ups and downs within hours or even minutes? Was just invited to go hang out with a friend at his place. Just sit around, hang out, probably play video games or something. I know I should do it, it certainly beats sitting on my computer by myself, imagining what her and her new boyfriend are doing, but I tend to think about that * * * * even when I'm with friends. They try to help, and I remain miserable. Then I feel even worse because I can't have a good time with them. God, I feel pathetic.