The questions for my ex in which I'll never get an answer...

[keith515]

...but if I knew I would receive honest, truthful, sincere answers, I'd ask them.

 

I'm hoping this post will start to put my mind (confusion and anger) to rest.

 

Here goes

 

1) Did you ever cheat on me besides that one night you got so drunk and "had a moment" with your friend?

2) Did you cheat on me the night of the accident?

3) Did you cheat on me the night before I broke up with you?

4) Did you tell me the whole truth about what happened that night that caused you to start going to therapy?

5) What exactly were you referring to when you said you didn't "like the person you were becoming"? Was it something other than you were always so rude and mean to me? Was it because you were cheating on me?

6) Why were you always so angry and irritated with me?

7) Why were you always so quick to disagree with me? Even if it was something you agreed with, you would still take the opposite view and act like I was stupid for saying what I said?

8. Were you ever sexually attracted to me other than the first few of weeks?

9) When did you begin to lose your sexual attraction to me?

10) Did you really not know why you weren't sexually attracted to me or were you just trying to protect my feelings?

11) Why did you start to become more distant once I started working?

12) Why did you get so angry on those nights you drank so much?

13) Do you really believe I contributed to your unhappiness? If so, how?

14) Why do you not have any long-term friends?

15) If you always thought I'd break up with you, then why did you continue to act the way you did?

 

I have no desire to contact her because I know I won't get an answer unless I badger her which I won't do.

 

These questions plague my mind and I need to put them to rest. I hope this helps. It's like living with a pain that keeps coming back. I may think of something that makes me feel better for the moment but it's like taking cough medicine. Once the medicine wears off, the questions and anger come back.

 

But even if I had the answers to these questions, would it change or solve anything? Would I feel better? What do I really hope to discover anyway?

I know she was depressed all the time and an alcoholic which caused me to be more sympathetic towards her. Her last BF was extremely jealous and controlling and I was hesitant to ever question her because she would get so defensive.

 

We were only together for 9 months and have been broken up for 4 months and I haven't spoken to her in a month and a half and I feel it is definitely time to drop it.

[Seymore]

That's a good idea. Do you feel better having gotten those questions out?

[veneratio]

As time goes on and you continue you to heal those questions slowly start to fade, or at least their importance does.

 

But, I may feel this way because I feel that I have most of the answers. They aren't definite ones, but I know that I understand why/how some of the things happened. Time reveals most answers.

 

But going down the list as you have definitely used to help me release some of the anger/resentment.

[keith515]

Actually, no. ](*,) When I was writing them down, my adrenalin started flowing.

 

I know it will go away eventually but sometimes it is a distraction. The fact I have been off for the past 2 weeks may have added to the additional thinking.

 

I need to let go. I'm not going to ever find out the answers so what difference does it make?

 

If I knew she cheated on me, I would be angry because I would have broken up with her a long time ago and not put up with as much * * * * as I did. That's what's really bugging me. AND, it seems to be getting worse. It feels like the more time goes on, the more I think, "hey, what a minute, that doesn't make sense" and read something from my journal and start questioning things. That's what happened the other day.

 

The only thing I can think of is deleting her as a friend from my myspace but that just seems petty. I don't even use it anyway. I don't think it would make me feel better.

 

Like I've said before, I don't have any proof that she cheated on me, it's just a gut feeling based on her drinking patterns, the way she was acting, and I know she would have had opportunity. I gave her WAY TOO MUCH LEEWAY because of her last BF. My last GF cheated on me because I gave her too much liberty. But that's the kind of guy I am, I'm just not the jealous type. I feel that you shouldn't have to control them to prevent them from cheating. If they're going to do it, they will do it. And I believe that a more controlling BF will drive the girl into the arms of another man.

 

I think the reason I want to know is just so I can know. Was I being paranoid that night we broke up or was I dead on? I'm a very curious person by nature so that doesn't help.

 

I think I also want to know because I don't know how to see her. One side of me has a very sympathetic side because of everything she has been through, it makes me think "Was she just an angry, stressful, depressed person who needed therapy or in addition to that, was she also full of deceit? I could handle her temper and rudeness but deception I can't. I have no tolerance for that. I know she had great sympathy for people but that doesn't necessarily mean she was an honest person.

[lostandhurt]

Keith,

 

I got nearly all the questions answered I wanted and I thought it would help........it doesn't!

 

The pain and hurt were still there and the matter of fact way she gave me the answers actually hurt more. In the end having them changed nothing. The past is best left behind.

 

Keep posting and healing

 

lost

[keith515]

 

The pain and hurt were still there and the matter of fact way she gave me the answers actually hurt more. In the end having them changed nothing. The past is best left behind.

 

 

Thanks lost and hurt. You know, I could see her telling me the truth about everything and acting very nonchalantly. It's her way of dealing with the guilt. But my reaction would make me feel like she didn't care.

 

I'm thinking I'm starting to reach a level of acceptance. I believe that is the key to letting go. Accepting she probably did cheat on me and felt guilty about it as well. That's was one of the things that made me think she did. Guilt because she cheated on such a good guy like me as my other ex told me. If she felt guilt, then she has a conscious. If she felt guilt, then she hurt herself as well which is something she has done repeatedly throughout her life. She wasn't hurting me, she was hurting herself because she knows what she did. She has to live with it.

 

This article also made me feel better:

link removed

[lostandhurt]

So true. They think if they can stay mad at us or pick us apart for all the little things what they did is okay because we made them do it. You are right that acceptance is the key. Knowing it and accepting it are two different animals my friend.

 

be well

 

lost

[Tezza]

I have accepted that sometimes there are no answers to why our exes did what they did. It has helped me move on quicker, cos dwelling on these questions can sometimes eat you up inside...

[keith515]

UPDATE

Because of all the thinking, I decided to do what I thought wouldn't help but did. I deleted my ex off myspace and I felt better.

 

At first, I was deleting the photos I had of her. And I was feeling better. Then I decided to delete her as my friend and it made me feel good. I was shaking while I was doing that. I'm still feeling a little excited. It was a rush.

 

At first, I was going to send her a message explaining why I did what I did but I thought it sounded weak. She doesn't deserve anything from me.

I feel free. This may (God I hope it is!) the feeling I have been waiting for.

 

If she wants to contact me, she can. If she wants to feel I was being petty for deleting her as my friend, so be it. The only thing I got from her was an apology that I probably wouldn't have gotten if I hadn't run into her that night. I'm sure the drinking had something to do with her honesty.

 

I used to be sympathetic with the way she treated me because of all of her troubles in life she experienced. But why should I had to suffer because others treated her so horrible?! I didn't cause the pain! Others did and herself. Not me!

 

Now I feel like I am free and can live my life again.

 

I've reached the point where I want to forget about the relationship just like from the Eternal Sunshine and the Spotless Mind. There is nothing good to remember.

[lostandhurt]

keith,

 

Good to hear. This will fade a little so be careful. Use this time to heal and learn why you thought it was okay to allow yourself to be treated like she did. You are right about having to suffer because her past. This kind of thing is best left to a therapist not a bf.

I wish you the best as you work on your life.

 

lost