how does dating etiquette work where you live?

[k8s]

was interested to ask the question how dating works where you live as a summary thread. One post relates to dating etiquette in NY which I am interested in as far as the protocol (i.e. multiple dating is a certain almost and you wait a long time to sleep with someone).

 

I live in Australia here it is pretty much one person at a time -if u meet someone u click with you usually spend a lot of a week together as soon as you meet, is quite ok and the done thing to sleep together almost immediately (about the third time you hang out) and if all is good you are pretty much bf/gf if you get on with their friends etc. Not much multiple dating or "dating/going on dates" (unless you are on online dating sites) going on.

 

Tends to freak men out from the us who come here a bit so interested in the overseas protocol? Plus here we have a (decent) man shortage here in AU officially if you are over 30 which starts to inflict the what I have written above and is starting to change the above in my opinion and makes all us great girls over 30 pretty much often single if u dont want to settle.

[Batya33]

I live in a major city like NY. Putting aside religious or cultural dating etiquette, you go on dates and both people understand that if you want to date others, you can. If both people are looking for a serious relationship, you might discuss exclusivity a month or so in and it might be tied to whether you are having sex, or it might not. Sometimes people casually date but are sexually monogamous.

[rosephase]

I really think it's the person not the town.

[midnightrambler]

in amish country you sit on the porch swing and sip lemonade

[servedcold]

Do women go out unescorted in Australia? If a woman goes to a pub by herself or out with girlfriends, is that considered OK there? or do women wait until they have a date to go out socially? Just wondering.

 

As long as people are sincere and honest about their intentions, and treat their dates with basic courtesy, in the U.S. anything goes otherwise until there is an actual agreement of some sort between two daters.

[purpleduckie]

where i live.. i dont know if there's a set one. i think it just depends on the girl/boy. for the last 2 serious relationships i've had... one, we fell for each other as friends and the terms were set before we even kiss. the 2nd one, we went on dates and we just started to fall into a pattern and before we knew it, we were an item.

[COtuner]

I really think it's the person not the town.

 

I agree, unless you have a cultural or religious restriction of some sort.

[mr_iwi]

Do women go out unescorted in Australia? If a woman goes to a pub by herself or out with girlfriends, is that considered OK there? or do women wait until they have a date to go out socially? Just wondering.

 

As long as people are sincere and honest about their intentions, and treat their dates with basic courtesy, in the U.S. anything goes otherwise until there is an actual agreement of some sort between two daters.

 

I'm pretty surprised by this question - it's Australia, not Iran!

 

As for "dating" where I am, it's pretty much the same as described in Australia. People don't really go on "dates" as such, they just get drunk and meet people that way.

[Nutz]

DC/Baltimore area is pretty much all hookup culture from what I've seen. Meet a girl somewhere, get her number (if you don't take her home then and there), then set something where you "hang out" later on. That's the modern equivalent of dating these days. If things click, then you sleep together that night or shortly after. Do that for a while and see where it goes. Most people I know follow that same paradigm with multiple people.

[servedcold]

I'm pretty surprised by this question - it's Australia, not Iran!

 

As for "dating" where I am, it's pretty much the same as described in Australia. People don't really go on "dates" as such, they just get drunk and meet people that way.

 

Reason I asked is that in the past in the U.S., women didn't go out unescorted, and were subject to social stigma if they did. In that scenario, it seemed that both women and men assumed that if a man were calling and asking a woman out that neither party were involved or would become involved otherwise without immediate disclosure.

 

As social norms have changed, the "freewheeling" dating model has evolved in the U.S., with more emphasis on what the parties agree to after a time of dating than any assumptions of exclusivity. There are folks who prefer what I will call "soft exclusivity" from day one, and they generally let this be known early on. Misunderstandings often result if they don't disclose this preference.

 

As far as broader dating etiquette in the U.S., misunderstandings still result involving the questions, "what is a date v a friendly get together?" "when are plans firm?" "how far in advance must plans be changed without being rude?"

 

Generally, dating in the U.S. is a rude, uncomfortable business due to the self-absorbed, instant gratification oriented consumer culture here, and to impersonal communication technology. The process is rife with misunderstandings and miscommunications, and people treat others as video games they can turn on and off at will at their pleasure with no accountability. IMO, technology has been more of a bane than a blessing where intergender relations are concerned, and based on various statistics, we are in a crisis in such relations.

[Batya33]

Generally, dating in the U.S. is a rude, uncomfortable business due to the self-absorbed, instant gratification oriented consumer culture here, and to impersonal communication technology. The process is rife with misunderstandings and miscommunications, and people treat others as video games they can turn on and off at will at their pleasure with no accountability. IMO, technology has been more of a bane than a blessing where intergender relations are concerned, and based on various statistics, we are in a crisis in such relations.

 

LOL! When I reconnected with my now-husband, he treated me exactly the same as he treated me when we dated in the mid-1990s. In the mid-1990s, before we were exclusive, he called me in advance to ask me out for a date, which ranged from at first, getting drinks after work, then he invited me to a party with his friends, invited me to see an exhibit at a museum, dinner and a walk on the beach and, for my birthday (dating about 6 weeks at that point), a fancier dinner plus a lovely gift. We were exclusive after about 6-8 weeks of dating, he took me on two trips - one local, one abroad in the first 3 months of dating, and we waited to have sex until we'd been dating closer to 6 months (he made it clear that we would wait until I was comfortable and I let him know when that was).

 

There were never any misunderstandings or miscommunications, and this was true of every man I dated seriously - same way of doing things- and I dated many men more than a few times, and several long term, from the 1980s-2005, all in a major city in the U.S.

 

When my now-husband and I reconnected in 2005 same thing - we went out as friends three times (although he treated it more like a date - he called in advance with specific plans but because of circumstances it was just friends) and the third time he asked me if I would consider getting back together. We discussed it that night, I said yes and that night he made plans to see me in two weeks because he'd be away, and we spoke on the phone almost every day until that time. Never any misunderstandings or miscommunications about our status, where we wanted to be headed, etc. We were both very serious minded and goal oriented, very much a couple from the beginning.

 

And again that was true about all my serious relationships - with the only difference being that if it involved someone I'd never met before we typically were not exclusive from the start - but definitely within two months or sooner, at his initiation.

 

No games involved - going on dates, getting to know each other and then a discussion about where we were specifically headed. Never attached to sex either except in one relationship and not surprisingly, since his values about that differed from mine (although he agreed to do things my way) we only dated about 5 months. But, it didn't involve games, just a frank discussion about where we both stood on the issue.

 

As far as the men I dated where we didn't end up being exclusive or dating more than a few times, since it followed the same model of him asking me in advance for a date, it was clear to both of us that we were out on a date, 99.9% of the time it was clear to both of us that in general the purpose was to see if we should progress to exclusivity and potentially a serious relationship leading to marriage, and if one or both of us didn't feel the click, often that was communicated by him not calling me again.

 

When I was a teenager, I would say that there probably were some games as we explored what dating was about, we were awkward about expressing interest, etc, but my high school boyfriend was not like that - we dated about 3 years exclusively, had "the talk" a few months in, and while that wasn't as smooth as dating in my adult years I didn't think it had to do with any bad motives on either of our parts - just the newness of being in a relationship and naivete.

 

I don't think my experiences are unique in the least.

[hazelnut]

Generally, dating in the U.S. is a rude, uncomfortable business due to the self-absorbed, instant gratification oriented consumer culture here, and to impersonal communication technology. The process is rife with misunderstandings and miscommunications, and people treat others as video games they can turn on and off at will at their pleasure with no accountability. IMO, technology has been more of a bane than a blessing where intergender relations are concerned, and based on various statistics, we are in a crisis in such relations.

 

 

I have to agree with Servedcold on this. There's a dynamic shift going on in interpersonal relationships and I don't think it's for the better. Going down the tubes I tells'ya!!!

[servedcold]

I don't think my experiences are unique in the least.

 

Of course they aren't unique, neither are they the norm. I stand by my opinion that modern technology, texting, IM, social networking, internet dating etc., are more of a bane to gender relations in the U.S. than a boon, and will rely on the thousands of texting, IMing, social networking and internet dating boondoggles posted here on ENA as evidence of this.

 

Technology, of course, is not the only issue in the current gender relations crisis in the U.S. Female cheating in relationships is reaching and surpassing male cheating, People enter dating with a hesitant, mistrustful attitude that wasn't present in the past. Marriage rates are down, divorce rates are up, teen pregnancy rates are up. These are all facts, and I believe our consumer based, throwaway, instant gratification culture, hyper sexualized media, and erosion of community based values in favor of generica-laden suburbia are the main causes.

 

Of course it is possible to date happily and find a great partner as you have, kudos to you, Batya, but it takes much more work than it used to, and the path to eventual success is fraught with much more emotional and even physical peril than it was as recently as the 80s.

[Batya33]

I am talking about the 80s, 90s and 2000s (I started dating my husband in 2005). I didn't date using IM and texting - emailing mostly enhanced my dating experiences because I was attracted to men who loved to banter and who loved to write, loved language so exchanging emails was usually a lot of fun for me. Sometimes we IM'd but not before we met in person and not in place of phone conversations or seeing each other in person.

 

You might want to list some relevant, authoritative statistics if you are going to make this vast generalizations, some of which attack women.

 

I didn't need kudos - my point was the opposite - that my dating and relationship experiences are the norm.

 

I never found dating easy, sometimes I found it too hard and took breaks, and just like when my mother dated and got engaged in the 1950s, relationships take work and effort - she's been married to my dad for almost 53 years and it has taken so much work - nothing to do with "society" or those big words you used in your post - just that relationships take a lot of work and life throws you many curveballs.

[LE DHUY NHUT]

We can't blame technology but how we use or abuse this technology in relationships and dating.

[servedcold]

You might want to list some relevant, authoritative statistics if you are going to make this vast generalizations, some of which attack women.

 

I am too lazy to go around googling a bunch of stats, but they are there, ENA is not a postgraduate level sociology forum, but a support and opinion forum, and still stand by my opinon. Nothing I posted is remotely an "attack" on women. Both female cheating (usually) and teen pregnancy require a complicit male.

 

EDIT: As far as big words go, my post, like all my ENA posts, was designed for a 12th grade reading level audience.

[k8s]

Do women go out unescorted in Australia? If a woman goes to a pub by herself or out with girlfriends, is that considered OK there? or do women wait until they have a date to go out socially? Just wondering.

 

Well actually its a good question - not really I don't think. Mainly due to the environments here as far as our bars or what we call pubs. No sports bars here where you can watch tv and be entertained so you are somewhat of a sitting target to be hassled by men and the majority are pretty hideous. It would be assumed you are looking to pick up. Clubs maybe different and naturally social events are fine, so u just stay home or go out with friends.

 

I tend to agree with the technology thing has made it too easy for men and women to flirt and maybe cheat (and emotionally cheat) and I think causes way too many relationship complications - easy to read into stuff that isnt there....or maybe is there! Plus it allows a lot of the "high" when you meet someone that is hard to resist being excited or curious about - plus with our man shortage last thing we need here is men with even more options lol.

[servedcold]

plus with our man shortage last thing we need here is men with even more options lol.

 

Maybe we should airlift Alaska and its woman shortage down and attach it to Australia.

 

How bad is this man shortage exactly? Have been considering a change of venue lately.

[Tarkan]

Generally, dating in the U.S. is a rude, uncomfortable business due to the self-absorbed, instant gratification oriented consumer culture here, and to impersonal communication technology. The process is rife with misunderstandings and miscommunications, and people treat others as video games they can turn on and off at will at their pleasure with no accountability. IMO, technology has been more of a bane than a blessing where intergender relations are concerned, and based on various statistics, we are in a crisis in such relations.

 

That's kind off the feeling I get when I read lots of the stuff around on these forums. But again, it might be because where I am from it's completely different.

 

In Belgium, multiple dating is just not done. I understand why and I don't support mutliple dating at all. Why ? Because someone your going on a date is not some kind of job interview. Sure, you want to find the best around but can't people just take their time ? I've asked the opinion of most of the girls I know about this and they would all be turned off by a man doing multiple dating. Same for the guys.

 

When you date a person, even tough your not exclusive, I think you try to make something special for someone that is already more then "just another guy/girl". Mutiple dating is just wrong because it feels like you play them. Only 1 of them could eventually end up with you so you're already creating some pressure for those people you're dating with. It sounds a bit like that tv program called Bachelor ... which is disgusting if you ask me. Imo, mutiple dating just sounds like some kind of egotripping from people who see it more as interviews where you get a menu served from which you have to pick the best lol. You are free to flame me for that because I might generalise but it's the way I feel about it.

 

Or it's just like Servedcold said ... people getting superficial and manipulated by the consumer culture. The older I get, the more I realise it's actually true ... people are so shallow :S

 

 

back on topic: Like I said, In belgium no multiple dating. Exept from that it must be quiet similar to countries like the US. I can't come up with other differences. Girls can go out unescorted and that since a long time.

[LE DHUY NHUT]

Yeah we don't do multiple dating in my country.We focus on one person at a time and it it doesn't work out we move on to another.I prefer it this way.