She says we have lost the spark

[Sev]

hi guys,

 

i havnt really posted much, im trying to get over my ex but i got the nagging feeling inside me its a big mistake andi dont wanna loose her.

 

Basically she broke up with me just before xmas, everything seemed to be fine up until mid december, she suddenly became distant and seemed down, we were on holiday in october and we were great together and we loved each other.

 

but she says that the spark in our relationship has gone and she see's me as like a friend. I dont know how this happened or how someones feelings can change so quick. i've lost my house my girlfirend it feels like my future.

 

im trying to get over it and doing ok, im getting to a point were i feel good half the time then suddenly i get over all emotional and stall to feel a deep sense of loss..........

 

I think i want her back, but dont know what to do.......

 

Im sure she see's me as just a friend now, even though she seemed to 100% love me early december. It makes me sick.

 

I saw her tonight and i pretended to be ok with the breakup and made out i agree with her. Thats what all the websites said to do anyway. I said i didnt want to have contact unless it was a emergency fora few weeks, should i do this?

 

I know begging does the opposite, soemone give me some guidence or friendly words!

 

Thanks

[Maverick212]

be her friend for now, and do the things that made her first fall for you, and dont bring up the relationship that you guys had. you just have to be confident, and in control of yourself, if you can do that you will be ok. and she will take notice. you know how to make a girl feel those emotions, you did it once right, just be calm. and dont rush

[JohnGalt]

tell her that the spark won't last in any of her relationships and if she passes on a great guy because of a "spark" then she's a moron. I'm sorry, but i'm sick of hearing about this "spark." What the hell is it? I've never felt sparks.

[HopeArises]

tell her that the spark won't last in any of her relationships and if she passes on a great guy because of a "spark" then she's a moron. I'm sorry, but i'm sick of hearing about this "spark." What the hell is it? I've never felt sparks.

 

HAHA.....I like your attitude.

 

For the OP, you know, it's a tough call. I think if you guys remain in each others lives, there is ALWAYS a chance at her falling for you again. The thing to remember is to be happy and in good spirits when in contact with her. Don't seem down or sad. Don't talk about what was, what could have been, or what you would like to be. Enjoy her company and make her feel comfortable enough to enjoy yours.

 

I think that remaining friends can present an opportunity for you two to rekindle something in time. It could take months for this to happen. What's most important in the meantime is to do things for yourself, so that you become that interesting guy who has a life. She will be attracted to that FOR SURE and who know, maybe that "spark" she speaks of might start shining again.

 

Take it slow and keep in contact with her. Don't overdo it though for now. Give her space and keep her in the loop. Just don't make her the loop.

[HopeArises]

You made out with her?

 

If so you are doing the wrong thing, and yes you should go no contact and give her a chance to see what she's missing by not being with you.

 

If she doesn't come back after that then she was already gone.

 

Its the ONLY tool you have in your arsenal right now.

 

I definitely agree with the NOT making out. That of course should not be done, but as for the rest, I don't agree at all.

 

NC is NOT to make the other person MISS YOU. It does NOT make them come after you. I don't know why people think that. It just is not the case. If one's stands a chance with an ex who left them, it is to maintain contact (not much though) and to be that person who they fell in love with WHEN in contact with them, so they can see a potential for happiness again.

 

When someone leaves you, they leave with the LAST impression of you. If it is bad, it is THAT impression that will keep them away. If you stay in contact and remain HAPPY and FUN, that is KEY in creating NEW memories, based on PRESENT DAY interactions.

 

That's currently where I am at.

 

NC is for those who can't control their own emotions in front of their ex. PERIOD.

[amipushy]

You made out with her?

 

If so you are doing the wrong thing, and yes you should go no contact and give her a chance to see what she's missing by not being with you.

 

If she doesn't come back after that then she was already gone.

 

Its the ONLY tool you have in your arsenal right now.

 

i think he meant he made out he agreed with her, not made out with her.

[HopeArises]

i think he meant he made out he agreed with her, not made out with her.

 

If that's the what he meant, then he did the best thing for now. NEVER argue with your ex when they are leaving you or wanting to keep space, or stay away. The more you go against it, the more they want it.

[servedcold]

First, you have to know for sure if there is someone else. If there is, and the circumstances of your breakup look like someone else is in the picture, low contact friendship is not an option, and will only make things worse. Complete NC is the way to go there.

 

If you are absolutely sure there is no one else, and there is nothing other than a "loss of spark," NC is still the best option, as there is an excellent chance that she will start dating someone else within the month, and she will tell you about it.

 

When I start getting any indication that some metaphysical spark is fading, and I'm being my normal charming self, I just back out totally and look for other options. There are too few decent people in the world to rely on and build relationships with to foolishly throw away in search of some perfect idealistic "butterfly in the stomach" love forever, as it doesn't work that way. Your Ex is immature, but may shape up if you totally exit her life.

[createhappiness]

i wouldn't put too much emphasis on what she said about lack of "spark". i wouldn't try to blame yourself for it either. it takes two to make a spark, right? if she's not willing to try to reignite the spark, then give her some space and not talk to her for a good amount of time while you try to heal from all this. plus, the space will allow her to think about things and possibly miss you more.

[Sturmhouse]

I don't know that I agree. I've heard of many many cases where the Dumper initiates contact after a pretty consistent amount of time - 2-3 months. It may not be as scientific as to call it a "tactic" but the conventional wisdom says that it does have this effect. Sure, it's for other more self-conscious reasons too - but if the dumpers are ever to be motivated to contact their EX, it'll be because they miss the good. It would be silly to contact the dumper a few days after the breakup and try to create new and fun conversations - they just dumped you! They'll probably think you've gone mad.

[JohnGalt]

I agree with Strum and HopeArises, actually.

 

I think for many women, out of sight means out of mind. That's why most people in short term relationships break up and never look back. But I think for the vast majority of long term relationships, unless there is a case of abuse, the woman will eventually start to think about her guy.

 

See women are all different, but they have the same tendancies. When Women make a decision, they stand by it. They take their time to make a decision and they really think about it. Then after they make their decision, at least in the short term, they force themselves to stick by it. After all, they think they did the right thing. So they break up with you and they don't want to have their minds changed. They already broke up with you.

 

But women are also creatures of habit and emotion. They tend to overemphasize the present and overemphasize missing needs or wants. A person with honda always dreams of a benz. But once you start thinking about it...that honda has always been good to you. It is reliable, gets good gas mileage, is safe. It might not be as good looking as the benz, but it is always there for you and is better at the things that matter.

 

So after about 2-3 months of no contact. Of absense. Woman start to realize that the calculus they made didn't take everything into account. Sure they thought they had balanced the good and the bad of the relationship - but when you're not there when they need you anymore and you aren't there to provide that support or you're not there to just look at them in that unique way that only you can do...that stuff starts to pile up.

 

The first thing they'll do is try to get all of that back without having to go back on their decision. They'll say they miss you. They love you. Thinking about you. Don't tell them that you miss them or that you love them. Don't mention reconciliation. Ask them, "What do you want from me?" and if it is anything less than committment and reconciliation, tell her good luck, that you're looking for more and resume NC. She'll come around and if not, you'll be better off for it.

 

But no contact works. Sometimes 3 months. Sometimes 6 months.

 

Limited contact also works, but you've got to be really careful with LC as not to get into the friend zone and as not to push too hard. Really delicate procedure.

[Sev]

Thanks for the replies i really appreciate it, anyone got any tips on how to make it through no contact, i really find it hard and im so down and cant stop thinking of her, then i think of soemthing i should of said and want to ring or text her.

 

This is the worst ive ever felt before and i really cant see it getting better. sometimes im ok for a period, maybe a few hours then i feel a overwhelming sense of loss and im back to square one

 

im trying to go out with friends and hang on facebook etc to get over it but i just cant help feeling lost, i had 1 week of crying and now i keep wanting to just cry again, might be because i saw her again last night and had to go back to myold house today to get some stuff.

 

oh and know i didnt make out with her! I meant made out that i thought it was ok....

[arg]

john,

 

your last post seems to relate exatly to my situation and what's going on my ex's mind. She dumped me. I went nc for 4 months. Got an out of the blue email about a month ago saying that shes been thinking about me and misses me. Since then we hung out 2 times and have been in LC for around a month. Never mentioned that i miss her back or had discussions about our past relationship, just some good chit chat and catching up. Even though im emotionally stable and all of that, i do still want something more with her than just a friend. Im afraid though that i may have fallen into the friend zone. All the contact has always been initiated by her, so i try to keep away as much as i can. Should i just cut off communication with her completely, stay in LC and see where it goes from here or tell her straight out that i want something more rather than holding the truth inside of me for who knows how long?

[JohnGalt]

See the problem with "I'm thinking about you" and "I'm missing you" is that we always tend to think...wow, she might want me back as a bf/gf. But "I miss you" isn't the same as "I miss what we had."

 

Sometimes women will natually assume that healing has taken place after a certain period and contact the ex with no intention of getting back together. They really do think about you and miss you...and still have no intentions of getting back together.

 

But I think you're in a good position if you want her back. I wouldn't go back into NC unless she's indicated to you that there's no chance at getting back together. What I would do is start flirting with her. Harmlessly at first. See her reaction and expand from there. Do the same stuff that made her want to be with you initially and show her (don't tell her) how much you've grown out of the qualities that made her leave the relationship. You have the upper hand. If you're an ex, it means 1) She's physically attracted to you; 2) she thinks you meet all of her criteria on the surface and if she's hanging out with you it means 3) she enjoys your company.

 

Take things slow. Remind her of why she fell for you in the first place. If you play your cards right, you might be able to get her back.