mags_7531 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Hello Everyone My bf broke up with me almost 2 months ago (his reasons were unclear but mainly because he wasnt sure what he was doing with his life and if he was ready to settle down). I went on and off NC for this whole 2 months and have seen him on and off aswell. I went to Florida for xmas and returned on NYE around 9pm. I didnt make plans cause i knew i was going to be tired form my trip so i was just going to stay home. Through out my trip i got messages from my ex asking when i was going to be home and that he wanted to see me because he missed me (in the two months since the break up he has never said he missed me). I didnt reply through out my trip until NYE. I told him i was home and he said he was to and asked if i wanted to come over for dinner. So i decided to and ended up staying for TWO NIGHTS!! We spent new years together and then the next day we kinda just lounged around all day and i ended up staying again. that brings us to today. I had car trouble this morning and he helped me with my car and then we went out for lunch and to a few stores. Then i took him home and i came home. Im at home all alone now and feeling pretty terrible. I dont know whats going on with him. Im not sure of this is a step in us getting back together or what. How do i know if hes wanting to get back together? And what are the "rules" for me in this situation? I dont know if i should just go NC again or start talkign to him like i did before. Should i stay in touch with him or just wait and see what he does? Link to comment
blue_dahlia Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 I would give him a tremendous amount of space. I suggest that you do not initiate the next contact. Let him come to you. If and when you see him again, I wouldn't talk about the past or the future. Keep it breezy and lighthearted. Eventually, you're going need to ask him his intentions i.e. is there a chance for reconcilition. However, I feel it's a little too soon. Let him come to you. Patience is key. Link to comment
mags_7531 Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 yes i definilty dont want to scare him off but its hard cause i just spent two nights there and it just felt like old times. And i know he wanted me there. I would have left last night but my car wouldnt start (dead battery) and i was calling CAA for a boost and he said just stay another ngiht and we can deal with it in the morning. But i dont want to keep things to light because i have already been doing that. We have already seen eachother like 5 or 6 other times where i didnt bring up the past or future at all. Link to comment
blue_dahlia Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 I went on and off NC for this whole 2 months and have seen him on and off aswell. But i dont want to keep things to light because i have already been doing that. We have already seen eachother like 5 or 6 other times where i didnt bring up the past or future at all. I'm confused; I thought you were in NC for two months and NYE was the first time you saw one another? Oh, I just re-read your post. So you weren't actually NC. No contact is no contact. I completely understand that it's hard. You spend this quality time together and then there's the space between and it feels like something is missing. I totally get it. I think it's time to ask some questions. Link to comment
mags_7531 Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 I was on and off NC. The longest i went was 12 days then i broke it. He would message me constantly asking simple questions such as "What are you doing?" I would have to ignore all his messages until i would eventually cave and reply to him. Link to comment
blue_dahlia Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 I think it's time to have a conversation about what spending time together means to him. He could be looking at it as a fun, friend thing while you're heart is hoping for more. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 if there was no "shimmy sham" then NC can continue in my book Link to comment
mags_7531 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 "shimmy sham"??? do you mean sex? Cause there was. . . Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 "shimmy sham"??? do you mean sex? Cause there was. . . then i bet you guys may talk for a while Link to comment
mags_7531 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 im still confused on wheather or not i should start initiating regular contact again. I dont want to just sit back and wait for him to contact me, caus ei dont want him to think its ok for us to have contact once a week. I want more then just a casual friends, or a F*CK buddy.... Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 im still confused on wheather or not i should start initiating regular contact again. I dont want to just sit back and wait for him to contact me, caus ei dont want him to think its ok for us to have contact once a week. I want more then just a casual friends, or a F*CK buddy.... i don't blame you.....sounds like he has the upper hand here Link to comment
blue_dahlia Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 im still confused on wheather or not i should start initiating regular contact again. I dont want to just sit back and wait for him to contact me, caus ei dont want him to think its ok for us to have contact once a week. I want more then just a casual friends, or a F*CK buddy.... Is there a reason why you don't want to have a conversation with him about what this all means to him? You can simply ask if if there's a chance for the two of you. It doesn't mean it has to go full steam ahead; the two of you can still take it ultra slow. However, if there's no chance you need move on. I wouldn't initiate contact regularly. I would wait for him so I could measure how often he taking the initiative. If it's once per week then you're going to have to decide if that's acceptable. This pattern that you have with him can and may continue for as long as you decide it's tolerable. I think it's time that you ask him point blank what he wants. The sooner you find out, the sooner you two can work toward reconcilation or the sooner you can move on. Link to comment
mags_7531 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 Thanks for the replies When I have told him that i dont want a casual relationship and i dont just want to be in his life part time, he avoids the question and says stuff like "we'll see what happens" and "hopefully maybe we will have what we had before" When i get answers like this i go NC..... he continues to contact me and i eventually give in like this last time when he says stuff like "i miss you" i really thought i was getting through to him. But i realize that by giving in it defeats the whole purpose on NC and the its useless. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 How do i know if hes wanting to get back together? And what are the "rules" for me in this situation? I dont know if i should just go NC again or start talkign to him like i did before. Should i stay in touch with him or just wait and see what he does? The time to ask him if he wants to get back together, was (in my opinion) before you agreed to spend those 2 days with him, being intimate. Link to comment
mags_7531 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 So after thinking very hard on if i should ask him directly where we stand i got the nerve to do it last night. I asked him "i want to know how you feel about me and if you would care if i started dating" his response "i cant stop you from dating. Have you found someone" So basically he saying he doesnt care but then asks if i have found someone, what does that mean? I said he didnt answer my question and kept asking him to answer. He said he didnt know what to say but them went on to say "i still care about you but if you want to date someone its ok. im not dating anyone" I was pretty upset from this message and said i guess if you dont care if im with someone else then u really dont care about me. but thanks for finally being honest and letting me go." he said hes not saying hes letting me go and doesnt know why i evem asked if i was alreayd looking for guys. I said i wasnt at all. And he said what were you doing last night (i went to a bar with some friends). I said i wasnt looking for anyone i was jus tout with some friends. Im confused on why he would say its ok for me to date and find someone else but still act like he cares at the same time?? Link to comment
blue_dahlia Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Hey Mags, I'm sorry that he gave you such a confusing reaction. In the future, you can be a little more direct? You may have received a different reply from him if you would have left off the part about how he feels if you were to date. I think that kind of detered him from your original question? I don't know, just my thoughts. He broke up with you so he really can't say that you can't date, and just because he broke up with you doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. You're going to have to decide if you're ok with what he's capable of giving you at this time. Link to comment
limboed Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 hi mags, this is actually my first post on enotalone, although i'm a BIG TIME lurker. just want to let you know that i am in a very similar situation as you; right down to the spending NYE with the ex unexpectedly (sex included!), and the the confusing hot/cold behaviour since our breakup in september. i too have told the ex that i won't ever be his "friend" and that i will not tolerate being used for sex. he always says he still loves me blah blah blah, but "doesn't know what to do." i've gone into NC a few times, but he always ends up contacting me again. i always think "ok, he's going to want to work on things this time," but nope, we just remain in limbo. it's really a maddening state to be in. i finally sent him an email tonight basically giving him an ultimatum. Link to comment
mags_7531 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 Hey limboed, Doesnt this just suck? I dont get why someone break up with you but still holds on enough to keep us hanging around. He gives just enough so that we still think theres a chance, its cruel because he knows exactly what hes doing! just terrible! But even tho i know what hes doing i still hold on thinking maybe theres a chance... Link to comment
limboed Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 YES. and honestly, a large part of me has avoided coming right out and asking him if there is a chance for us....because I don't want to hear that there absolutely isn't. I was always holding onto the hope that maybe there was a chance. But finally, I can't do the limbo anymore. Link to comment
Adge Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Why don't you turn it around and say: "Are you sure you don't mind me dating? How about you and me go on a date?" - I might be totally wrong here, but that's what I'd do. Link to comment
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