Ex Breaks NC After 5 Weeks, What Now? (LONG!)

[ricknron]

Hi all,

 

This is my first post here on ENA. I’ve been lurking for a few weeks after my fiancé left me the week before Thanksgiving. A little background on my situation:

 

We are both in our early 20s. We have been best friends since 2002, and finally started dating in 2005. 18 months into the relationship, we moved in together in an off-campus apartment at college. After college graduation in the summer of 2007, we got engaged and moved together to the East coast to start our careers. It was almost like a fairy tale, as ridiculous as that sounds. We were each other’s firsts for everything, sex, “I love you’s”, long-term relationship, you name it. We had a love for each other that was deeper than anything we could have imagined.

 

That was until this past July. She got a new job, and I could sense her becoming distant. I was so sure that everything would work itself out, so I didn’t get too concerned. It wasn’t until October that I could tell we had a serious problem. For this I blamed myself, as looking back now I see that I may have gotten too complacent, too comfortable, and started taking her for granted. The love was as strong as ever, but I wasn’t showing it enough.

 

On November 18, after a long day of work, she came home and said those dreaded four words as soon as she got through the door: “We need to talk.” I’m sure most of you on this forum know what happened next. I got all the classic lines, from “I love you, I’m just not in love with you anymore” to “I need some space to love myself” and “I just don’t belong here.” Needless to say, I was crushed. I did what everyone says not to do. I begged, I pleaded, I cried, I told her how I would change and do anything for her. This was the only woman I ever loved, and the thought of losing her was my worst nightmare, and now it was coming true.

 

As you could probably tell, the pleading only pushed her away, and she packed a bunch of her clothes and went to stay with a friend. Devastated, I booked the first flight back to stay with my family. While I was gone, we had limited contact, mostly about what we would do with our belongings, rent, who would stay in the apartment, etc. Like a fool, I made several calls during the week and begged for her to change her mind. No luck. When I got back, she was all moved out. Seeing the apartment that we shared together half-empty might have been the biggest kick in the stomach I’ve ever experienced.

 

The following week, she tried contacting me several times, I guess to try and keep a friendship. I told her I couldn’t just be friends with her. She said she understood, and that I knew where to reach her if I changed my mind. In the month since then, I tried doing everything they say to do. I visited family, threw myself into work, caught up with old friends, even tried dating a couple girls (albeit unsuccessfully, as I just kept comparing them to her). I could feel myself getting a little bit better, but thoughts of her still consumed me most of the time. I heard from mutual friends that she was out dating. This was like a knife in my side, how could she replace me so fast? But in the back of my mind I knew anything to come of this would be a rebound and she was just trying to fill the void I left, so that actually felt good. She called me several times in December but I ignored them, in part because I knew I’d just be upset after the conversation and in part because I wanted her to miss me and realize what she had lost.

 

Fast forward to New Year’s Eve. I get home from celebrating with friends and pass out. I get a text at 3 a.m. from her. She is sitting in the airport waiting for her flight to visit her parents, a trip I was originally supposed to accompany her on. The text reads:

 

“Hi there. Just wanted to say Happy New Year. I’m here at the airport waiting to go home. At the kiosk, the screen asked who was checking in, me or you. Just another of the constant reminders. If you’d let me, I’d really like to see you when I get back. Have a nice weekend.”

 

I responded with “Have a safe trip.”

 

She comes back with “Does this mean you don’t want to see me?”

 

I said “I don’t know. You know how I feel and anything less than that is not good enough for me.”

 

She said “I understand, let me know if you change your mind. I still care for you and I always will. I’m here if you ever need me.”

 

I said thank you, and thought that was the end of it. So I go back to sleep. One hour goes by, and four texts arrive all at once, basically composing one long message:

 

“Sorry to bother you. I just miss you so much. I can’t do any everyday things without thinking of you. I’m so sorry for putting you through all this. You always treated me so well. When I told you I didn’t love you anymore, that was just a lie to make it easier on myself. I got so caught up in thinking how we wanted different things that I got terrified I’d never be able to live my dreams. I was just so unhappy with myself. The love for you was never an issue. It’s my fault for letting things get past the breaking point. I haven’t been healthy since I left. I can’t eat. I’ve lost 25 pounds and taken up smoking again. It’s terrible I know. I can’t stand being alone long enough to think about us. I go out all night so that I know I’ll just pass out as soon as I get home so I don’t stay up crying. I don’t know if you meant it when you said you just wanted me to be happy, whether with you or someone else, but just so you know, I’m not happy with anyone right now. Myself included. I’ve grown to hate all men at the moment, but that’s not your fault. I know you don’t want to hear about that, so I’ll spare you. I’m the one with all the problems. This has really opened my eyes. Please don’t blame yourself, this is my doing. I don’t even know why I’m burdening you with this. Again, I’m so sorry. I just pray that one day you can forgive me and I can be part of your life again. Please see me when I get back.”

 

Wow. Now, I know the experts say keep it cool when this type of thing happens. But I care for this girl so much, knowing that she was so remorseful and sick, I just couldn’t keep composed. I called her right away. I told her that I missed her more than anything, that this was the hardest time of my life, and that I feared for her well-being. After that, I was able to steer the conversation in a more calm direction, and we made small talk, even laughing a couple times, for about an hour. As time came to board her plane, she asked again if she could see me when she got back. I told her I wasn’t sure, but that she should call me when she got back and we could talk some more. We said goodbye (I came this close to saying I love you right before I hung up, as I’ve gotten so used to doing a million times of the past three years, but I was able to avoid it).

 

And that was that. I didn’t expect to hear from her again until her return (Monday). But the next morning (yesterday) she texted me:

 

“I just wanted you to know that I’m here safe and sound. Have a nice weekend ” I replied with “you too, tell the family I say hello.”

 

And that was our last contact. Now, my question for those of you who haven’t fallen asleep by now reading this, is what happens next. In no way do I think this was her way of asking for me back. In fact, I don’t know what to think of it. Is she just trying to ease her guilt? Is she only contacting me because it seems like all her rebound attempts have crashed? Or is she starting to come around to the fact that I’m what she needs? I love her deeply and would like to try again more than anything, but I know a month and a half isn’t a long time and she is obviously not in a great state right now. But my gut tells me to keep fighting for this girl. I don’t know why, it’s just the feeling I get. Should I see her when she comes back? Is there any hope for me? You gurus out there, I need your help!

[Miranona]

i think she wants to get back together, if shes telling you details about what has happened when you're apart, then yes.

 

also, you already mentioned "i dont want anything less"- so unless shes missed that part and wants to meet up to be "friends" then thats a good sign too.

[Sturmhouse]

You are so, so lucky. I wish this happened to me. I have a very similar situation. We're both 22, I moved home from college after I graduated to get a job, she stayed to finish school. We grew apart, I wasn't romantic enough, and I just went on autopilot. She dumped me 2 weeks ago, and I've been NC for a few days. I am terrified that she'll never call me again.

 

If I were you, I'd proceed but be cautious. You need to make sure that she's learned something from this and that she has a better idea now of her direction. I was the one who needed to learn from my break up, and she has to agree to be a better communicator. Our girls may be having some grass is greener syndrome, and once they realize it isn't and the problems are fixable they see the mistake and come back. Like I said, proceed (you lucky dog), but be careful. You need to see if she has corrected the existing problems or it's just emotion taking over.

[blue_dahlia]

Welcome to ENA.

 

First, I'm happy that your recognize that her long text to you does NOT mean that she wants to get back together. So many people jump to conclusions and assume that contact means reconciliation. Words are words and in fact her text said nothing about wanting to try again. It's good that you're accepting her contact at face value.

 

We can only speculate what she's thinking and feeling. She could be remorseful, regretful, feeling guilty, lonely. Who knows.

 

Personally, I would be upfront and lay it on the line. You could do this before your face to face conversation, during or afterward. This is what I did with my ex. We had three "dates," and then I asked if there was a chance for a new relationship. I wasn't interested nor could I have a friendship with him so instead of vesting any more time and emotion in us I wanted to know. Most importantly, I was fully prepared 100% to walk away if he said there wasn't a chance.

 

It seems like you have taken some significant strides in healing. I wish you the best on your journey.

[blue_dahlia]

You are so, so lucky.

 

I'm going to kindly disagree in general. It isn't always a good thing for an ex to come out of the woodwork and contact you. In fact, in can really set back the healing, and cause mass confusion and turmoil especially if their intentions are not in line with yours. Exes make contact for all kinds of reasons, but it isn't always for the reason you may want (to get back together). I fully understand that you all want to hear from your ex, but sometimes no contact trumps contact.

 

Just be cautious.

[Miranona]

“I just pray that one day you can forgive me and I can be part of your life again.”

 

If that doesn't say it, I dont know what does..

[blue_dahlia]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ricknron

“I just pray that one day you can forgive me and I can be part of your life again.”

 

If that doesn't say it, I dont know what does..

 

Yes, she says that she wants to be part of his life, but in what capacity? It doesn't say she wants to reconcile.

[DN]

I think she is dealing with the consequences of breaking up with you and isn't liking it. But that doesn't mean that she is anywhere near wanting to get back with you nor does it mean that she will. What she is missing is your friendship and companionship and she is fearful that she may not find those things again. The problem is that those things alone are not enough to sustain a relationship - you need her to love you and want you. I don't think she has come to know for sure whether she does - she is still too undecided.

 

If you offer her your friendship and companionship then she will be getting what she wants with the freedom to walk away if and when she finds someone to provide them and romantic love. The consequences of breaking up with you will be missing.

 

So I highly recommend that you continue to withhold yourself from her in every way unless and until she realises that she does love and want you romantically as well as your friendship.

 

She may not come back to you - but that is better than having a half-relationship that gives her what she wants and deprives you of what you need and deserve.

[Sturmhouse]

I'm going to kindly disagree in general. It isn't always a good thing for an ex to come out of the woodwork and contact you. In fact, in can really set back the healing, and cause mass confusion and turmoil especially if their intentions are not in line with yours. Exes make contact for all kinds of reasons, but it isn't always for the reason you may want (to get back together). I fully understand that you all want to hear from your ex, but sometimes no contact trumps contact.

 

Just be cautious.

 

True. From my perspective, though, if it were my EX it would be a lucky ordeal. I haven't healed, but I have a grasp of the problem that I could have never gotten. Done a whole lot of reading and learning about it, and all I need is the chance and things will be better. You're right though, it may not be lucky for this guy. The girl sounds a bit frantic and emotional, which could mean trouble. But at the same time, she could have rationally thought everything out (5 weeks of NC is a decent amount of time) and come to a better decision. Cautious is good advice, though.

[ricknron]

Thank you all for the input.

 

Miranona: I hope what you say is true. I don't think she missed the part about not wanting to be friends, as I've told her that multiple times. But I fear that she may just be ignoring it to get the friendship, if that's indeed all she wants.

 

Sturm: I do feel lucky, but at the same time, it wasn't the "I made a terrible mistake and want you back" reaction we all hope to get one day. The part that gives me the most comfort is that she has taken responsibility for the problems she had with me, so now I can stop beating myself up about what I could have done. Sure, I wasn't perfect, but I always thought I did everything I could. When she told me it was my fault and she wasn't in love with me anymore, that was one of the hardest things. But now that she says she never fell out of love, I guess that makes me feel better.

 

Blue and DN, you guys are like the rational side of my brain that isn't affected by what my heart and gut are telling me. I know this is a positive first step, but you're right, I have no reason to believe she wants anything more than friendship. I can only hope. But when you say that she needs to love me and want me, she DID say that she never fell out of love with me, that saying that was only an excuse. I guess it's possible that she fell out of love with me in the 5 weeks of NC, but is that really possible if she just spent the whole time trying to replace me and stop missing me? Or am I just grasping?

 

The question now is, if she is still on the fence about wanting to reconcile (which I think she is), does seeing her hurt or help my cause in that case?

[Sturmhouse]

I thought the message was pretty explicit, but I suppose if you take it word for word it does provide a bit too much gray area. My fiance was most upset about the prospect of me being mad at her, or not being her friend afterwards. We've been best buds for 6 years, now it's gone. I didn't give her the romantic love, but I CAN! I trust that this breakup has proved to you that you can, too.

 

If you can't interpret that letter with reasonable certainty that she does love you and wants to try again, I would agree that more time of no contact or minimal contact is the best course of action. I wouldn't tell her you are mad or you hate her, but that you feel she needs more time to sort things out for herself. You know what you want, but it sounds like she is still going back and forth in her head.

[DN]

When these situations occur - and they do on this forum with surprising frequency - the best plan is to wait until you get an unequivocal declaration from her that she wants to get back together and make the relationship work because she loves you.

 

It isn't wise to accept anything less than that.

 

She already knows what you want. Let her find out what she wants - and if it is anything less than a proper romantic relationship - then say 'no thanks, I'll find someone else who does'.

[ricknron]

I guess LC is the way to go. I don't think I can just go back to NC after the talk we had the other night. But I won't initiate contact. I'll let her come to me. My fear is that if I decline the meeting, she may get the impression that she has hurt me too much to even try to reconcile if that's what she might eventually want.

 

Also, I really do fear for her health. Its not normal to lose 25 pounds in five weeks, and she wasn't overweight to begin with. She's one of those people who hates to go to the doctor or even talk to people about her health. Her friends are a bunch of bumbling idiots (at least in my opinion haha), they probably think it's "cool" to be deathly skinny, so I don't think they are encouraging her to get checked out.

[blue_dahlia]

When these situations occur - and they do on this forum with surprising frequency - the best plan is to wait until you get an unequivocal declaration from her that she wants to get back together and make the relationship work because she loves you.

 

It isn't wise to accept anything less than that.

 

She already knows what you want. Let her find out what she wants - and if it is anything less than a proper romantic relationship - then say 'no thanks, I'll find someone else who does'.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with DN.

[ricknron]

Well she just initiated contact again, even though she said she wouldn't talk to me until she got back on Monday. We kept it to small talk. At the end she said "it's just so awesome to talk to you again." I just said goodbye, even though I wanted to say I missed her texts like my left leg lol. Making it hard to keep from initiating contact, but I'm staying strong as to not look too needy.

[ricknron]

Update! Would like to get some opinions on this, but I already see the writing on the wall.

 

We have been texting back and forth daily, with her initiating contact EACH time, and I'm always the one to end the conversation. I can bring myself to not contact her, but not replying to her has proven more difficult. It's been mostly light chit chat, but there was one point where SHE brought up the relationship. We basically agreed that we both made mistakes. I said maybe we needed this to live our own lives for a while and reconnect again later on down the road. Her response:

 

"I just don't know. All I know is I miss you and I want you in my life, and we'll see where it goes from there. I'll never close the door on us, because what we had was so special, beyond even a romantic level. I just don't want either of us to get hurt."

 

I left it at that, and turned the conversation back in a less heavy direction. Eventually, she said something like "don't get soft on me" and I joked "that's what she said," and she IMMEDIATELY brought up our sex life. Quote:

 

"By the way, I don't want you to think I left cause I was turned off by you. That was never the case. Hell, I thought about calling you every day just to sleep with you because it was so good, but I know what would be a booty call and not right."

 

That stunned the hell out of me. I know she's been dating other guys, which I'm sure she's slept with. But if she doesnt want me back and can have sex with any guy she wants (she is a model), why in the hell is she stuck on thinking of doing it with me? God, I'm confused as hell.

 

Should I go back to NC? She still wants to see me, but I know she's still seeing some guy, despite the fact that she told me "I don't know if I like him or if I just hate being alone." I've made it clear to her that if we aren't working towards getting back together, I'd rather not be hanging around her. What to do now?

[DN]

"I just don't know. All I know is I miss you and I want you in my life, and we'll see where it goes from there. I'll never close the door on us, because what we had was so special, beyond even a romantic level. I just don't want either of us to get hurt."

 

Too late - you already are hurt.

 

She is being grossly unfair - it's all about what she wants and needs and your wants and needs are very secondary. This a classic situation of being placed in limbo so if she can't find anything better she can settle for you.

 

Don't ever allow anyone to settle for you.

[ricknron]

Too late - you already are hurt.

 

She is being grossly unfair - it's all about what she wants and needs and your wants and needs are very secondary. This a classic situation of being placed in limbo so if she can't find anything better she can settle for you.

 

Don't ever allow anyone to settle for you.

 

She knows she hurt me, I think she was talking about in the future. She has apologized profusely for hurting me. But you are right, seems like she is just keeping me on the side in case. I just don't understand why. If she doesn't want me, why does she care if I'm there or not? Why is she thinking about me all the time when she could be living it up with the new guy?

[DN]

You could drive yourself nuts thinking about what she means, what she wants, who she wants now and in the future. So don't do that - it won't serve you.

 

Take account of what she is doing in this instance - not why she is doing it because only she knows that.

 

If she comes to you and says she wants to get back together - then decide what you will do about that at that time. Not now.

 

For the meantime, assume it is over permanently and move on. Live your life and let her live hers.

[ricknron]

I know DN, it's just hard because I can honestly say, even after all this BS, I still love her more than anything in the world. I had hoped that the five weeks of NC would at least lessen it (especially considering I really wasn't holding out hope of her coming back), but alas, I just can't get over her.

[DN]

I know DN, it's just hard because I can honestly say, even after all this BS, I still love her more than anything in the world. I had hoped that the five weeks of NC would at least lessen it (especially considering I really wasn't holding out hope of her coming back), but alas, I just can't get over her.

Actually you can. And you will. You have to let your rational mind take charge of your emotions and realise she is not the one for you. Once you have come to that realisation it is easier - but at the moment you are still clinging on to hope and as long as you do that you remain stuck.

[ricknron]

Thanks for the help DN. I have cut contact with her for the past four days. Haven't answered her call, emailed or anything. I did reply to one text message. She said she just wanted to make sure I was ok and how my day was going. I told her I got a raise that day (true), and that I injured myself ice skating. I haven't gotten a response, I assume she's mad because she figures I went on a date with somebody (which I did), as she knows there's no way in hell I'd go ice skating for my own enjoyment with no female involved. But whatever, she gave me up, and despite the fact that I still love and miss her like crazy, I'm not going to let her know it anymore, and hopefully the feelings will soon start to fade.

[DN]

Good for you. Keep that good intent.