Drinking, love, and anger problems

[ryland2]

I have been with this guy for four months. When I first met him he was out going and happy. When we drank we always had a good time.

 

I found out I was pregnant shortly after. I gave up drinking, and so did he but he drinks for occasions (christmas parties/new years).

 

Everytime he drinks now, he gets so angry, he tells inanimate objects that he is going to choke them or kill them, or he will sit and rant about someone and say all these bad things he is going to do to them. Ultimately, he can never tell the person to their face, but takes it out on me verbally, and then it becomes physically.

 

He says it's because he loves me now and certain things that he hears from my past (before I even knew him) make him so angry inside, (like I cheated on him, or did it while dating him). I've never been dishonest, or unfaithful to him.

 

He came out of a abusive relationship, she would scream, yell and hit, and so would he. They would cheat, and lie, etc.

 

He told me he is so worried that it will happen again.

 

Now I am afraid I have a psycho in love with me. When he drinks I know its a usual pattern, at first hes friendly, then he sits and starts thinking of stuff that would bother him, and then he gets quiet, and angry. Then starts talking all crazy and saying he's going to kill someone, and he told me out of no where that "if you F*** me over, I will kill you".

 

We usually end up in an argument because he sits and questions me over and over about things I haven't done to him, like he wants to hear that I've cheated on him. I can only handle a drunk in my face for so long and this is for hours of dealing with it...Asking me questions like "are you going to screw me over" and such. When I've done absolutely nothing wrong.

 

He pushes me when I try to leave, he smothers my face with a pillow when I call for help or cry, I've now learned to never be in a room when he acts this way, because he doesn't let me leave, he takes my belongings and hides them so I can't leave or call anyone. He pushed me down a ditch on New years Eve...While I tried to run away down the road, and eventually some people seen and picked me up.

 

This scares the crap out of me.

 

I am trying hard to understand where he comes from because I am pregnant with his child and I want to make it work.

 

He has good work ethics and does show a lot of affection towards me, I am just afraid maybe he loves me to death, literally.

 

I have told him I am scared of him hitting me, and really hurting me one day. I am afraid for my unborn childs sake, and my current child's sake. He has never shown any aggression or disliking to my child now, he treats him like his own.

 

We are very young still, I am 22 and he is 20.

 

Is it possible to be in a relationship with someone who becomes crazy or abusive when they drink? And just keep it that they don't drink?

[Loki71]

Run do not walk. This will only get worse till someone is really hurt. As he keeps going it will progress and then you will hear " I was drunk I didn't know what I was doing" after he hits you.

[Scorpion Fury]

Seems pretty simple, he needs to choose: alcohol, or you.

 

You can make the choice to not be around him when he drinks. No one is forcing you too. You need to worry about your unborn child.

 

Although, maybe you should just leave anyway and don't give him a choice. If you weren't pregnant, I'd tell you to leave.

 

Is everything good when he doesn't drink?

[confusedl77]

Wow sounds kind of similar to my situation with my boyfriend (now ex). He had an extremely violent outburst on NYE as well due to too much Jack Daniel's. I was so scared I almost called the cops on him. Usually these incidents with us only happen when we're drunk..things are usually ok when sober. I actually feel partly to blame for what happened with my ex because he wanted to spend a quiet evening alone at home for NYE while I insisted we go to this party. Had we stayed home he probably wouldn't have drank and everything would have been fine. I have been so depressed about it...luckily I am not pregnant. I can only imagine what you are going through. I do feel for you and wish you the best.

[nutbrownhare]

I agree with Loki - run, don't walk. At the moment you're in the early stages of pregnancy; it will be much more difficult later on, with a young baby.

 

It's not so much HIM that should be worried about having another abusive relationship - it's you, with yourself in the role of victim. Don't waste time wondering where he's coming from; it would be trying to make sense of something senseless - he is perfectly capable of seeing that he has a problem with drink, and continues to drink. That's all you need to know.

 

You can't stop someone drinking if that's what they want to do. Any desire to change behaviour has to come from him, which he sounds unlikely to do (I'm looking at his fear 'that it will happen again', as if his actions were none of his responsibility). He is also very young to be having a young family - this would be a tall order for the most mature, sober 20-year old, let alone one like him.

 

There is a support groups for the families and friends of people who abuse alcohol: Al-Anon. You might like to check them out. You are powerless over him, and you have responsibility to yourself and your child(ren) - you need to decide what's best for all of you.

[nutbrownhare]

I actually feel partly to blame for what happened with my ex because he wanted to spend a quiet evening alone at home for NYE while I insisted we go to this party. Had we stayed home he probably wouldn't have drank and everything would have been fine.

 

Unless you had him staked to the floor with a funnel inserted into a stomach tube, down which you poured vast quantities of Jack Daniels, he and he alone is responsible for his drinking. It's possible to go to a party and not get blind drunk (honest!). If he's someone who really can't handle alcohol, and still drinks - BEWARE!

[blackgnat]

It won't get any better. Run!

 

If you're determined to stay, then you better prepare yourself for the worst.DOn't be around him when he drinks. Have an escape route, a bag packed, some money hidden, phone charged, etc...

 

Call the cops if he touches you again. It's NOT okay for him to touch you in a violent manner.

 

When the baby is born, he could do all kinds of threatening things to it once he's had a drink, in order to keep you under his control.

 

He sounds very disturbed already, to me.

[yeawutever]

Wow he sounds like a demented psycho., RUNNNNNNNNNN.

[greensleeves]

You've been with him for four months and he's pushed you and hides your belongings if you try to leave, tried to smother you, pushed you into a ditch and threatened to kill you. Get out immediately because this will only get worse. You and your children deserve much better.

[ryland2]

Thanks for the advice. I feel near hopeless.

 

But to answer some of your questions. Yes he is normal when he is not drinking, he is affectionate and overall mostly happy.

 

When he drinks, he thinks too hard about things like when one of our mutual friends that I may have slept with mentions something about how I used to be wild (way before I knew him) he takes it to heart and really starts to get mad because he keeps quiet about it and lets it sit and build up inside of him.

 

 

We went out to eat the other day and really put a lot of stuff on the table. I asked him why he would say something like that to me (I will kill you if you f* me over) when I've never given him a reason.

 

I told him I am scared of him hurting me badly. I told him to never take my belongings that it is psycho.

 

He said he would comply to it. He said he will talk to his pastor again like he did before when he had problems. I am trying to give this a good chance because I am pregnant with his baby.

 

He says he cares too much now, that is why he gets like that when he's drunk. Before we would be perfectly fine. He said he worries so much about me having fun while he drinks with his friends, and that is why he keeps asking me if I am okay or if I am mad, because he doesn't want me to get mad or upset and want to go home. (Apparently when he is drunk he doesn't know how many times he asks me, because it is repetitive it drives me nuts)

 

I told him he better not get drunk again, or at least I will not be around him if he absolutely must. He has said he doesn't want to drink...He doesn't make effort to either besides holidays, because that is when his buddies start calling him.

 

We will see though, as his birthday is the 7th of this month. I will be able to give an update then.

 

He at least has good work ethic and has paid for his own car and his own place.

 

 

I can't victimize myself because I can be reactive and explosive when I am drunk as well, and have been before I was pregnant even towards him. But nobody deserves to be abused physically, that is just what is really scaring me.

[philomela]

Him realising his problem with alcohol, and getting to the point where he may want to stop drinking, is going to be a lifelong process for him. As is any addiction for anybody, really. The threat will always be there. This is something that you will not be able to help him with. This is his road to walk.

 

In my opinion, though you are pregnant through him, he has been violent with you while bearing his child. And if he puts himself in those positions again and again, knowing full well there is a chance that he could hurt you and your unborn child, then that answers the question of what you should do.

 

I believe you need to leave.

 

You cannot trust him, he has hurt you, he has threatened you. He is all talk unless he is able to come to terms with the fact that he has a HUGE problem that HE needs to own up to. I agree with the above post that it seems like he's pointing the finger at the alcohol. As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. He's the one who made the choice.

 

I believe that it will be impossible to have a normal, happy life with him. Though I know you have a lot of love for him, you cannot constantly hold him up, constantly forgive him. Don't spend your life waiting for him to grow up and help himself. You and your children deserve better, they deserve a life of stability and normalcy. Exposing them to a person like him will give them at best, an unfirm ground, and at worst, who knows what.

 

You can still love him, of course, and have compassion for him as any friend would have compassion and love for someone who is important to them, you can still support him if he does chose sobriety. but as I said before, he needs to walk this road alone. And your priority should be first and foremost to protect your children and yourself.