nabi_met81 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Hi every one it is almost 4 years I have been a member here! with a few posts I tried to learn a lot! many things in my life has changed since then! but nothing serious in my relationships! anyway, I totally gave up any efforts or trys on having a date or over a girl or even I lost the hope! anyway, this is not the reason I posted this thread, I know nothing works (at least for me!)! I have now many Just as a Friend girls! and noticed that every one of them has told me early that she has a boyfriend. and some of them even tell me that they don't tell every boy they have a boyfriend! what i miss is, if it is normal to hear such words from girls? I don't behave mean with them, and I am respectful all the time, but why I am the first one always hearing the same thing from every girl I am just as friend with! and then what shall I do? shall I listen to every thing she talks about her boyfriend?! Link to comment
ghost69 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 i hear it all the time. i don't ask girls out, get rejected and become their friend though. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 If you're just friends with these girls, it's completely normal for them to share with you their dating status. They are establishing that they are not available for anything more than friendship (which is respectful to their boyfriend and not misleading to you). If you're interested in finding a relationship, you can't look to girls who aren't available. Ask these girls, "hey do you have any single friends that might be interested in meeting me?". Link to comment
nabi_met81 Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 but do you know, why they don't tell every boy that they have a boyfriend? So that boy who doesn't know about the boyfriend, can easily ask for out or a trip or whatever, and sadly it seems that girls like to do this! by this i am telling that recently one of my (just as a) friends told me she is going to a one day trip with a boy and she was worried that the boy which she has not told him that she has a boyfriend, would miss understand her! for a girlfriend!) even this girl didn't want to go to the lake in the neighbor with me(despite I asked her many times!)! (maybe because I have a Middle eastern. look) I bought this girl Christmas gift and she also gave me a card with my name on it which she made it on her own! (what I am talking is reality! not the optimistic view of two soulmates! which almost never exists! at least for everyone!!!) not to get off the topic, do you also think, that it is bad for a boy to hear that from girls?! (even if they are talking about their ex-s) what shall one respond? what shall I do to not hear such words?! (at least a one day trip is a trip! I even don't have such a trip!) Link to comment
Mutley Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 I've had girls/woman say that in the past. I view it (sometimes) as a way of telling you they are unavailable. I would get insulted when a girl I wasn't interested in would use that tactic. As if. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Whether or not she tells everyone she's not available, she is letting you know that she is not available to date you. That's all you need to know. If she's turning down your invitations, she's letting you know she's not interested. Time to start befriending some single girls!! Link to comment
ghost69 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 ^^^^exactly. just move on to another girl. some are Link to comment
nabi_met81 Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 thank you everyone for good responses I am sure not only her, many girls are not interested on me! I would like to summerise my questions which are still not answered yet. Is it normal to hear a girl talking about their boyfriend to me? (I mean they talk about it, it is not just saying I have a boyfriend!) How can I prevent this? (which could win me a one day trip! with a girl! at least the feeling is better than knowing I am talking with a girl who has a boyfriend!) How shall I behave after hearing this? (shall I keep friendship and as a friend give advices or buying gifts and accepting gifts and ...) and finally why they don't tell everyone they have a boyfriend!? (as a boy , I really know early which of my friends of boy have girlfriend! though I am not in the details as I am with my just as a friend girls!) ___sorry using this "!" mark too much, I am really feeling bad about this happening me everytime) Link to comment
alli Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 I couldn't tell you why they tell you they have a bf and not other people, but you should be thankful that you are the one they tell so you don't waste time thinking you're pursuing a single girl. Maybe you send off more "I like you as more than a friend" signals in the beginning than most people, so they know they need to tell you. As for the girl going on a trip with a guy that isn't her bf, well that is her choice and her problem. I would just be happy that they are being honest with you. And if I was looking for someone to date, I would hang out less with those people who are in a relationship and hang out more with single people. Link to comment
alli Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 thank you everyone for good responses I am sure not only her, many girls are not interested on me! I would like to summerise my questions which are still not answered yet. Is it normal to hear a girl talking about their boyfriend to me? (I mean they talk about it, it is not just saying I have a boyfriend!) People like talking about their SO. Or maybe its a way to further emphasize the fact that they are not available to you because they think you still want to pursue them How can I prevent this? (which could win me a one day trip! with a girl! at least the feeling is better than knowing I am talking with a girl who has a boyfriend!) Stop hanging out with girls that have boyfriends. If you had a girlfriend, you certainly wouldn't appreciate a guy doing what you're doing & trying to schmooze in on your girlfriend. Stop being "that guy". How shall I behave after hearing this? (shall I keep friendship and as a friend give advices or buying gifts and accepting gifts and ...) Do you buy & accept gifts from friends that are completely "just friends" as well? If not, stop exchanging gifts with girls that are already taken. And if you are sick of hearing about their bfs, then stop hanging out with them so much. and finally why they don't tell everyone they have a boyfriend!? (as a boy , I really know early which of my friends of boy have girlfriend! though I am not in the details as I am with my just as a friend girls!) They have good reason to tell you if they get the feeling you like them as more than a friend. There is no need to tell other people whom they don't sense that the person has feelings for them. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Is it normal to hear a girl talking about their boyfriend to me? (I mean they talk about it, it is not just saying I have a boyfriend!) Yes, friends share this kind of information. It is normal. How can I prevent this? (which could win me a one day trip! with a girl! at least the feeling is better than knowing I am talking with a girl who has a boyfriend!) You cannot prevent them from talking about their boyfriends. If you want to go on a one day trip with a girl, ask someone who is SINGLE, AVAILABLE and who WANTS TO GO. You can't force any of those circumstances. How shall I behave after hearing this? (shall I keep friendship and as a friend give advices or buying gifts and accepting gifts and ...) Behave like you would with any other friend that you are not dating and will not date. Friends give advice and gifts but do not cross any boundaries that have been set. This girl is setting a boundary with you and you need to respect it. Talking, advice, gifts = okay. Asking her out= not okay and finally why they don't tell everyone they have a boyfriend!? (as a boy , I really know early which of my friends of boy have girlfriend! though I am not in the details as I am with my just as a friend girls!) Nobody can speak to what her motivations are or why she doesn't tell everyone. That's her decision and only she knows why she tells you and not others. I would agree with Alli that you're sending off a signal that makes her think she should tell you. Again, she's the only one who can really answer that. Link to comment
nabi_met81 Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 thank you very much, I got great answers If I'd be the boyfriend, sure I wouldn't let her without advices, and I would be the closest friend too! (which I know, in reality it didn't happen, which I got a girl friend years ago, and I was too extra good and too extra close (sharing secrets), and I got dumped!) anyway, maybe I shall leave such just as friendships!first (not accepting gifts or giving any gifts!). but if I do so, I will not have any kinda female talking with me and sharing thoughts, which will make me even more lonely! but sometimes loneliness is better than having a friendship with wrong kind of person (i.e. on a relationship or date...) Link to comment
alli Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 There has GOT to be some single females you can find as friends where you are. What if you invest more time into finding them rather then spending time with these girls that are unavailable? Link to comment
servedcold Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Nabi, many women "have a boyfriend" until someone they feel is an upgrade moves on them, then miraculously, they don't have a boyfriend... yet. They will begin to rationalize and convince themselves that something is missing in their current relationship, regardless of the truth, and that it is not their fault but the fault of their existing SO. In some cases, they will rationalize so thoroughly that they will begin to think of their existing boyfriend as "just a good friend," or if they are sleeping with them just a "friend with benefits." They will claim that they "tried so hard" to make things work with their existing boyfriend... but the feelings just died beyond her control, and of course not acknowledge that they are spending most of their emotional energy on the new interest while "trying so hard." They will leave the door open until they figure out whether the new man approaching them is indeed a much better catch or not, and this could take some time. If she decides he is not a better deal, she can conveniently insert boyfriend talk to fend off further advances. If she decides he is a true upgrade, she will then begin to try to get him on the hook and prepare to ditch whomever she is calling her boyfriend at the time once the new relationship is on firmer foundation. This is the subtextual story behind lots of bad breakups that people end up posting about on ENA. They all start the same, "He/She broke up with me last week and he/she is already involved in another relationship, how could he/she do this?" Steer clear of women who do this, as they are manipulative, have no character, and create and recreate comfortable realities for themselves at the drop of a hat. Seek out women who don't do this. The good ones are true to a relationship until it doesn't work for them any more. Then they break up cleanly, spend some time alone, and when they are ready, go back to dating new people. They are admittedly hard to find, as so many people jump from relationship to relationship these days to avoid being alone with their rotten selves. In short, a woman telling some men she has a boyfriend and not telling others is a red flag. Avoid. Link to comment
Lowconfidence Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Nabi, many women "have a boyfriend" until someone they feel is an upgrade moves on them, then miraculously, they don't have a boyfriend... yet. They will begin to rationalize and convince themselves that something is missing in their current relationship, regardless of the truth, and that it is not their fault but the fault of their existing SO. In some cases, they will rationalize so thoroughly that they will begin to think of their existing boyfriend as "just a good friend," or if they are sleeping with them just a "friend with benefits." They will claim that they "tried so hard" to make things work with their existing boyfriend... but the feelings just died beyond her control, and of course not acknowledge that they are spending most of their emotional energy on the new interest while "trying so hard." NICELY PUT SERVEDCOLD! DAMN IS THAT TRUE! Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 I don't tell every guy that I have a boyfriend because it sometimes doesn't come up into conversation. "Hello, my name is ----, I have a boyfriend." Weird, awkward, unneeded. Link to comment
Martyrdom Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Nabi, many women "have a boyfriend" until someone they feel is an upgrade moves on them,... ya. Dead on. Feels like this happened in my old relationship She still wants to be friends and I told her no > Anyways though; when I talk to girls...boyfriends usually don't come up. And when they do, it's usually just in reference to something else she did earlier or something. Not like declaring it openly. It does seem like they could be pushing you away from creating too strong of feelings for them...don't waste your time with just friends Link to comment
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