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Another lonely case: reflection and next step


dr_styles

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Posted overhauled/shortened, more to the point

 

Been a long time lurker/reader but just the ticking clock has pushed me into the little vent we're kinda used to here on being lonely and stuff, but I've also been prodded a little into action, but not sure how coming from a long way back (introvert, limited true friends, very shy, etc.)

 

Usual bit of background

I'm 24, and you guessed it, single, virgin (not by choice), never had a girlfriend, and never even gone on a date, or anything even resembling learning more about a girl. I graduated from Uni last year (2007 was my final year) so I'm in normal working life now. Just some physical info too, I'm 6ft, chinese ethnicity, but born and raised in Australia. No one has ever called/hinted/pointed me attractive, but no one has done the same for unattractive either (well my hair is a bit on the dorky side).

 

Personality

The typical very shy, very nice guy? Uni is what perplexes and hurts me a bit. I am kinda reclusive in that I prefer to go home after Uni ("Work" now). With Uni it was out of boredom more than shyness. But whilst at Uni (or out in general nowadays), I don't deliberately hide in the corner or avoid looking at people/things. Anyway, classes, walking around, spare study breaks, lunching or whatever, never even got a smile or a look of interest. A couple of times guys sat next to me some classes though (no, definitely not gay, lol) and we usually became good classmates. On that note, I'm the sort of person who has "friends" but never or rarely does anything with them cos it's usually just getting drunk . So yes it perplexed me in a depressing way how even just from luck/probability being so exposed at Uni for 5 years and classes, I never even got into a random conversation with a girl, single or otherwise.

 

Current thoughts

Ok probably getting a bit lengthy on the description, but feel free to ask for more details if you're miraculously interested. So I'm going through the usual depressive thoughts but I realise I'm still kinda young (well, old considering what I haven't done) so I won't do the whole "I'm gonna die alone rant" ... yet.

 

Hopefully I've grouped and broadly described these thoughts properly - what's bugging me at the moment would be

- My identity. Common suggestion is join some clubs, group, or some other regular outing meeting my interests. I have stuff I like doing, but nothing to the point of wanting to join a club or group, etc. So I'm trying to "find myself" again essentially, and it's proving tough. I have no interest in the bars/clubs/pubs scene, cos no real interest and I hate drinking and a low biological tolerance for it too.

- Changing how I act currently. I'm always wondering what I can do (or how I'll go) in my current activities. Like I still go for a park run to exercise, still go to the shops to buy stuff, still eat out (though usually with the family, ala parents). I'm getting used to smiling a lot more, but I still think it's very shy/embarrassing, and kinda pushy or creepy, to always say Hi and whatever else. (So there's no way I'll be going over to chat up a girl I think is attractive either even if I muster a Hi)

- Going out more with Friends. OK so my current friends will only go drinking and what not. I think I'll start going more (though clubs/dancing/heavy drinking are still a flat no). The problem is I'm not after someone from a bar scene, and I'm expanding my friends (if I do) in a very unproductive way. Not very likely to meet people more my type.

- Relationship inexperience. Whilst I'm very admirable of the people on eNA, unfortunately the majority of people would think a 24yr old without a single date to be ... pathetic, at least something seriously wrong them like some creep? This is more a whinge than anything but still. It's there.

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Start by going out more.You don't have to drink alcohol to enjoy the bar scene.And the term ''bar girl'' is one I don't like.A decent bar ...just like anywhere else has 'nice girls' and 'bad girls'.You can also initiate social events with your friends.You don't have to wait to be invited.Baby steps.....

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I've done the bar scene recently a couple of times with mates and it's been ok, but a lot of time I didn't go - usually the weekend organised ones vs. "after work one day" - and will be thankful I didn't because they'll always keep talking about how this-guy-or-that-guy got absolutely smashed and acted like a d^$@% - you get the idea. Basically the weekend organised ones you can imagine are longer, with more people (like their friends) and more places like dance clubs, etc. You kinda depend on friends in these situations and tbh, I can't.

 

In terms of going out more yeah I'll admit I'd come off as a boring person because I have lots of stuff I might like doing, but nothing really targeted, consistent, etc. thus not being sure at the moment what sort of club or activity I want to join, if any.

Any small ways to "better use" the time I'm already out? I may not have/like the regular drinks or whatever like most, but I go out for little periods to exercise, buy food, eat at a restaurant (usually with family though), shops for something I want to buy or snack on, etc.

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Online dating has lost a great deal of it's stigma. People from all walks of life do it believe me.

It would be a great way for you to at least get some 'practise' in. If you all you ended up doing was meeting up with a few people and having a few dates then you never have to lie about not having dated, which you see as an issue.

 

Also as far as that lack of experience goes, in a postive light you have less baggage, are disease free and have been able to focus on your studies/work. You're still young, you can just say you've been a free and easy bachelor up til now (or you can fib, lol, but just don't get caught out).

 

You're tall and educated so there's some attractive qualities right there. If someone happens not to be interested because of your ethnicity then they're not right for you anyway.

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I haven't found the solution either and have been struggling with it for a while.

 

Well as with everyone else I wish you luck and change of fortune.

Read your thread from late '07 and I can definitely say the same with those similarities.

 

If your comfortable, maybe share what you have tried and why it did or didn't work since then? (or why you didn't try a particular thing?)

 

It would be a great way for you to at least get some 'practise' in. If you all you ended up doing was meeting up with a few people and having a few dates then you never have to lie about not having dated, which you see as an issue.

That certainly does have it a positive light. Not sure how I'll feel if I do this but maybe I'll have to drop the whole notion of not approaching someone with the direct intention to date, both online or inperson

 

I suppose though ...

 

You're tall and educated so there's some attractive qualities right there.

 

... because I haven't put myself out there or actively tried to show my better qualities it does make online easier since you generally put in your interests to hint at your qualities (well except the "tall" part which I can't hide. 6ft is not that tall is it? lol).

I should say though just as a personal point/whinge, I do seem to have myself in a little of a hole here, and not just in terms of dating: I definitely prefer in-person socialing to online-social (*cough* Facebook but at the same time I'm too shy to put myself out there to do it ... whoops ](*,).

 

If someone happens not to be interested because of your ethnicity then they're not right for you anyway.

 

I don't blame being a particular ethnicity for anything (heh I did speel a lot about it though didn't I!). But I do think it's still true in that from the looks perspective it rules out, perhaps in too, in some people's mind (not everyone's which I hopefully haven't implied)

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You mention a few times that you don't get invited out, or spoken to. But have you tried initiating contact? Why should people always have to come to you?

 

I think your post touches on a lot of problems. Clearly you have social anxiety to a somewhat crippling degree. You can try to solve that on your own with books, internet research, and practice, or you can get the help of a therapist.

 

It just seems that you need to figure out who you are. Right now you are going to work and then going home or going out to do things you're really not all that interested in doing. That's not much of a life for anyone. What is it that you love? Who are you?

 

Maybe your first step is to try and answer that question and some others. Who are you? What do you have to offer someone in a friendship or romantic relationship? What makes you happy? What are you looking for out of your life?

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I've tried giving it a couple of days just to see if things settle or get a bit more resolve/calmed in deciding to do "this-or-that" (or nothing), but no luck and just getting into more despair :sad:

 

You mention a few times that you don't get invited out, or spoken to. But have you tried initiating contact? Why should people always have to come to you?

Well nowadays it's because no one likes I guess what you could call high-school fun, like going bowling for example or movies. Nnooo it has to be drinking. There are two people I do actually try and sort stuff with (well one is actually my cousin, the other willing but very busy) because I kinda know what they like.

 

Clearly you have social anxiety to a somewhat crippling degree.

I'm not sure if it's because this is just the current mood, but on the weekend I went out for a quick lunch at a food court, and I couldn't help but keep think what I looked like down to how I was sitting and eating. Yes I knew they weren't (or to no consequence), but still.

 

It just seems that you need to figure out who you are. Right now you are going to work and then going home or going out to do things you're really not all that interested in doing. That's not much of a life for anyone. What is it that you love? Who are you?

 

I used to not find that life bad in that it wasn't like I was bored. But yes you are right. I just don't know who I am anymore, and as you can see I'm struggling to find myself and really identify what I really like, enough as a hobby I can take out for a decent amount of time.

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Start by going out more.You don't have to drink alcohol to enjoy the bar scene.And the term ''bar girl'' is one I don't like.A decent bar ...just like anywhere else has 'nice girls' and 'bad girls'.You can also initiate social events with your friends.You don't have to wait to be invited.Baby steps.....

 

I know the OP is a lot younger than me (I'm 42), but when I've been out to a pub/bar on my own I've ended up standing at the bar with a drink, talking to nobody, and ending up going home in the end. It was particularly depressing on New Years Eve, although I probably should have known better than to go out on my own then.

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Well nowadays it's because no one likes I guess what you could call high-school fun, like going bowling for example or movies. Nnooo it has to be drinking. There are two people I do actually try and sort stuff with (well one is actually my cousin, the other willing but very busy) because I kinda know what they like.

 

This just happens to be the people you know right now. There are plenty of people out there in the world who do more than go out to drink. Now the challenge is finding them. A good start would be to engage in some kind of athletic activity, or outdoors activity. Join a running club, or a hiking club. Look for meetups on the internet. It may seem like everyone is the same and not interested in anything that you are interested in doing, but think about the sheer number of people in the world- surely there are some that share your views.

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OK heavily overhauled the original post to more show I could use some feedback in changing my ways.

 

A good start would be to engage in some kind of athletic activity, or outdoors activity. Join a running club, or a hiking club. Look for meetups on the internet.

 

That's the thing; going out and joining a club is not something I'll just go into. I do like going running, I would be interested in trying hiking, but nothing to the point of joining a club, YET. And this is why it's annoying cos I always knew I was kinda boring, but when a mate asked me to describe myself, my interests (to help me a bit with this), I realised how I really couldn't describe myself or my interests well at all.

 

when I've been out to a pub/bar on my own I've ended up standing at the bar with a drink, talking to nobody, and ending up going home in the end.

 

To go drinking by myself would be a big challenge for me. It just doesn't make sense for me to go and would probably look pretty stupid too. Come to a pub alone and not really drink ...

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Still not sure the best hobbies and stuff to pick up/out, but in the mean time should I try getting back to what I used to love even though it's counter-productive?

 

For example I like computer games though I haven't played any in a while due to work and also a bit of this feeling; yet isn't it counter-productive to try because that's not exactly going to put me out there.

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This isn't a bump for any more feedback, comments or anything (though always welcome - just had a bad weekend and bad day today where I was really "feeling it" more than usual.

 

Still no closer to figuring out what to do as yet. What's worse is that in the absense of any new developments or hope (e.g. crushes? lol) I can only really think of the last time I had any decent interaction with a girl.

 

/vent off, hopefully

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