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finding someone else ...

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first off, thank you all for looking. ive posted a lot of times but have never really asked this question or gotten advice on it.


my ex and i were together for 3 years, he broke up with me in march. we were best friends, together everyday, sooo comfortable together, still are. hes perfect in my eyes and i will never get over him. heres my question


everytime i find a new guy to talk to, i really really like them at first and then when they start to like me back i totally push them away. i find flaws and begin to make myself not like them and convince myself that i dont want to start anything with them. everytime!


how do i stop this? how do i let my guard down? is it just not time for me to be getting back into a relationship? and why was my ex so f'ing perfect?! i feel like i will never be able to get over him if i keep doing this to myself but i simply cannot help but do this.

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The problem is highlighted in bold. You can't be with someone else if you're hung up on an ex. It's not fair to you OR the new person.


If you honestly think that this pattern will just magically stop, you're sadly mistaken. You need to WANT to not be with your ex, and honestly DO WANT to be with someone else to ever hope to have a chance at another successful relationship.


Anything short of that is a rebound.

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yeah your right.


i feel like everyone else gets over their ex's with another person, not alone by themselves....


Not true at all. I was in a 2.5 year relationship and was completely devastated when she said she didn't want to try anymore, hated me, and was seeing someone else (all while living in my apartment).


I took 6 months to myself before I was ready to date around. Granted, I was depressive and pessimistic for most of this time and did kiss 1 girl, but she turned out to be a lesbian anyhow and the kiss was superficial.


I didn't do anything with anyone until 6 months after we split, when I had a fling with a girl my friend set me up with. Then she left me and went back to her ex bf (after telling me she loved me and I was her soulmate).


Needless to say, that broke my heart too. The difference is that that happened 2 months ago. I'm currently seeing someone now, and have spoken with/flirted with/went on dates with a few other girls since then, and I've realized that I do the healing on my own, and I date again to see what's out there.


I don't NEED someone (though I feel like it sometimes) but I WANT someone to spend time with and share experiences with. I will (hopefully) never NEED someone again.


What I suggest for you is taking time for yourself. IMMEDIATELY CUT CONTACT WITH THE EX - FOR GOOD. I can't emphasize that enough. Do not talk to the ex unless the ex says they want you back, and only if you want them back. Take at least 3 months without dating anyone to re-discover 'me' and lose 'us'. Re-kindle old interests, find new hobbies, and evaluate the relationship from the outside in to see where it failed and things you'd want to change before getting into another relationship.

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You will have to make a decision to view new potentials differently..you and your ex are no more. If you cant get to a point where you realize you have to get him off that pedestal you created for him..you will be alone always and telling stories of the past to all of your friends and relatives. And they will be like "are you still telling stories about you and him..please"


You really have to be conscious to why you decide to retract from a guy... give yourself the time to open up to the new guy. It is unfair to them if they have to constantly fight against the ghost of your ex.


Make a list of the essentials you are looking for..character traits. Chances are that the list will look like your ex. But there are things that have to be different from him. Your ex dumped you..something was off in your relationship no matter how you wish to see it. He was definitely not perfect or at least did not see you as perfect. Get that in there..what did you need from him but did not get?


Think..write...recreate the picture of the man you are looking for..(not a perfect image mind you..just that you really would like to have to make it work for you) . When you put too many details in, chances are you will just have your ex as the prototype..

What works also is put up a black list of all the traits you really DO NOT WANT. So everyone who shows this kind of behaviour is immediately disregarded (not saying that if he doesnt open the cardoor for you without you telling him, that he's immediately out of the door...but if that is really important to you..then maybe you should...just explore it .


,. everything else is for the 'open mind" ..you give them a chance to explore further. Sometimes it is easier to state what you dont want in a new love...the horizon of what is possible suddenly gets bigger.


Dont put too much pressure on yourself..could also be that you are just not ready to date yet..

Dating can be for all kinds of reasons..you can just date..just for the fun of enjoying a new event with someone, having a laugh and a drink...nothing more. Be upfront about it..


when you are not ready for the exploratory dating..you are just not.


take care..

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I seem to feel the same was as you when it comes to new relationships.. I would like a guy and be able to talk and have fun with them but once I find out they like me I get all shy and seem to push them away... I always figured it was due to my shy nature and being afraid of something new

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