Still miss my ex after 13 years apart

[thorpe]

I'm new here and thought that you might be interested in my story. I'm 47 and my ex an I married when I was 27 and she was 22. It lasted for 7 years. I'm not the best communicator and was working very hard when she asked for a divorce. I was crushed I didn't see it coming, but of course it should have been obvious to me. She was going to college at this time and dropped out and began working in restaurants. We separated and she moved in with another guy. I did everything I could to save the marriage, probably too much, but it was over. The state we lived in requires a 2 year separation unless there are grounds and as I would not divorce her we waited. We sold the house split our finances 50/50 and I moved away to a state where I have good friends. I don't have any family in the US so it was even harder dealing with all this. Eventually we divorced and as there are no children and we'd divided all the money it was easy. She didn't want any of the retirement accounts, she just wanted a clean break and to get on with her life. I haven't been able to get on with the emotional side of my life at all.

 

She's been living with another guy for the past 10 years and I've made a comfortable life for myself about 400 miles away. I'm a college professor, but no amount of smarts helps for these sort of things. I haven't dated anyone since we split. I did make an attempt to ask a woman out that I worked with, but I was so needy and obviously not over my ex that she ran a mile and I reacted by pursuing her almost to the extent of stalking. I was so afraid of this rejection that I flipped out. We managed to work together for a couple of years until she was laid off and then I left for the college job.

 

Now here's the bad thing, I'm still in email contact with my ex. I email her more than she does me, but it's always nice to hear her news and know that she is doing well. I miss her very much particularly at the holidays and after the failure of my one attempt to move on I don't feel able to date anyone. I just have too much baggage and I still feel as if I'd be cheating on my ex as stupid as that sounds. I have considered therapy as I know staying faithful to an ex-wife for 13 years is really weird, I don't know my ex anymore so I can't be in love with her it must just be a memory and a refusal to actually acknowledge the divorce, but then I remember what I said in my marriage vows and I don't see a way to move on even if I was better adjusted.

 

So I'm resigned to missing my ex and trying to love her to make up for the lack of love that I showed for her in the marriage, even though I know this is silly and narcissistic.

[JynX]

Your story reminds me of the fact that we really can't help who our heart loves...

[jettison]

You're not all that abnormal. Lots of people keep the ones they've loved tucked safely away in their hearts somewhere. Perhaps you're just a little bit more sensitive to that place then most.

 

I had a 10 year that ended about 3 years ago I guess. She'll always be in my heart. I've been a little bit more adept then you at moving on and finding others to love, but she's always there inside me where no one else but me can see her.

 

All that said, I suggest you start taking a more "screw it" approach to life and to love. Sometimes, it's volume and inappropriateness that does the trick. Don't be afraid to fail. Don't focus on one new woman that you imagine might bring you up and out of this malaise. Instead, think volume. And, perhaps to your surprise, you'll find that there are all sorts of women that you'll be capable of giving and receiving love with. Look in strange places... leave no stone unturned.

 

Finally, it's obvious that you have a huge heart. That's your blessing and your curse. You'll find it more of a blessing in the future I'm sure... there is still time.

 

Best and happy new year!

[thorpe]

 

All that said, I suggest you start taking a more "screw it" approach to life and to love. Sometimes, it's volume and inappropriateness that does the trick. Don't be afraid to fail. Don't focus on one new woman that you imagine might bring you up and out of this malaise. Instead, think volume. And, perhaps to your surprise, you'll find that there are all sorts of women that you'll be capable of giving and receiving love with. Look in strange places... leave no stone unturned.

 

Finally, it's obvious that you have a huge heart. That's your blessing and your curse. You'll find it more of a blessing in the future I'm sure... there is still time.

 

Best and happy new year!

 

Thanks for the advise, but I'm just not a "screw it" kind of guy. I've only had 2 relationships in my life, my marriage and my college girlfriend that lasted for 7 years too. Breaking up with her was tough as well, but I moved to the US and was open to new relationships. After 3 years I met my ex and fell head over heels for her. I've never slept with anyone without being in love with them and as my ex is still in my heart my attempt at moving on with the woman at work was a disaster. I'll usually send my ex a card or flowers on her birthday and the "Thanks the flowers were beautiful" email I get back is the highlight of my year. I know it's pathetic and probably doing nothing for me in the eyes of my ex, but it's an addiction.

 

I think the only solution is to go no contact and hope that eventually I'll be balanced enough to move on. I have a very close girl friend (like a sister) who every year for the past 10 asks me if I intend to get a girlfriend. I can never answer yes as I just think about my ex.

[jettison]

Well, I'd just like to recommend a book to you that helped me quite a bit after my LTR breakup of a few years ago. It's called "Courage: The Joy of Living Dangerously" by Osho. It's a quick read, but it could lend you a new focus if you let it.

[thorpe]

Thanks for the recommendation. The 2 books that I've found a great comfort are Siddhartha and The Stranger. They have helped my step outside of myself and gain some perspective on my problems. I think I should have gone for therapy a long time ago as I am classically co-dependent, but I don't have the constant desire to contact my ex anymore. I have healed, but not completely and it's left some nasty scars. What I worry about with therapy is that I've lived with this for so long that just like plastic surgery can't remove physical scars therapy won't be able to heal me emotionally, but more importantly maybe I'm just too scared, I wouldn't be me if I didn't feel this way about my ex.

[nutbrownhare]

Hi Thorpe!

 

I found your post very moving, very poignant.

 

It sounds as though part of you is in denial that you ever split up; I'm wondering if you've ever grieved fully for your loss. All the sorrow and anger, the broken dreams and sense of betrayal of divorce need to be expressed in a physical sense before we can move on. I think this can be particularly difficult for men, for cultural reasons, and for people who live mainly in their intellect and have a degree of detachment from their emotions.

 

Therapy wouldn't heal you emotionally, but it would support you while you do the work which will. If you're not somebody given to strong emotions, the prospect will seem scary, but our defences are very good at not letting us get in more deeply than we can cope with at any one time.

 

If you're 'happy' to retain a sense of loss, then stay where you are. But, from myexperience, it's much nicer looking back on past relationships with a smile rather than a pang!

 

Hope this helps!

[thorpe]

Thanks Nutbrownhare. I think you're right about my denial, Its not the rational part of me but the emotional that's in denial. I've moved on in my life in every aspect except the emotional. I'm successful in my job, have a nice house, don't have to worry about money and most importantly have good friends and a fairly active social life. I live somewhere that has lots to do so I can indulge my love of movies, theatre, etc. and I've become a fairly accomplished long distance cyclist, I'm in the best shape of my life and I'll often ride a hundred miles on a weekend day. I started as the physical high of riding dulled my sense of loss, but now there's also a meditative part to it.

 

I grieved very openly and loudly when my ex left. My emotions were full on and I pushed my ex even further away with my calls and pleas for her to come back. I didn't express how much I loved my ex while we were married, oh I did lots for her, but I was emotionally distant believing that she knew how deeply I felt, or maybe needed her - co-dependency again. After she left it was a lost year and I forced myself to sell the house and separate our finances as I knew that I had to put physical distance between myself and my wife and start again in a place where I had close friends. My not initiating a divorce and our 2 year separation was more denial and my Birthday cards to her are more even more denial. I know we'll never be together again and believe that she's happy, but there is the smallest microscopic seed of irrational hope that prevents me from moving on.

 

Your final sentence is very perceptive in the end we have to choose between the safety of the hurt and living in the past or let it go and move forward into a scary place, but one that might be happier.......well 13 years is a long time, maybe I've made my decision.

[thorpe]

I am thinking about all of the precious women that could have found you when you were like 36 or so..

 

 

At 36 I was a complete disaster. Trust me no woman would have wanted the emotional wreck that I was.

 

Thanks for the advice. I don't consider 47 to be particularly old, I'm just not sure I want a 3rd romance.

[nutbrownhare]

I grieved very openly and loudly when my ex left. My emotions were full on and I pushed my ex even further away with my calls and pleas for her to come back.

 

That's not grieving. Grieving is when you really, deeply acknowledge your loss, know that you can never have it again. You let your pain act on you, change you ... and then you can move on. It is not at all the same thing as being stuck in that painful place.

[thorpe]

That's not grieving. Grieving is when you really, deeply acknowledge your loss, know that you can never have it again. You let your pain act on you, change you ... and then you can move on. It is not at all the same thing as being stuck in that painful place.

 

OK maybe I haven't really grieved as you define it, but why should "moving on" be a definition of grieving. My pain has changed me, how could it not. I'm just back from a night out on the town, lots of drinking and fun with friends, and talking to women in bars, but still I miss my ex. I have plenty of opportunities to start something with other women, but somehow I can't. I acknowledege that I will never be with her again, but I'm stuck as I compare the women I meet to her and they always come up short and frankly I wouldn't want to expose an innocent party to my neurosis

[pumpkinmoon]

I am extremely sorry you are going through this. I agree with the other posters who say you need some kind of therapy. 13 years is a hell of a long time and a big chunk of your life has gone.

 

I know all too well how hard it is to move on from someone. We only have one life to live so why not try to be happy while we are doing that. I am 100% certain that keeing in constant contact with your ex over these years has hindered your healing greatly. I know it will be hard but I think you have to cut contact once and for all if you have any chance of living your life and being happy at all. She has been living her life for the past 13 years while you have just seemed to be exisiting, living off the crumbs that she throws your way.

 

Please please take some steps to make yourself happy. Open yourself up to other possibilities. I am sure "she" is out there waiting for you and I am sure that one day you will be able to be happy with someone else if you just allow yourself to be and stop punishing yourself like this.

 

I am sorry if this post comes accross as a bit abrupt or stern, that really wasn't my intention. You sound like a great guy, you have a lot to offer someone and when you find her I hope she will realise how lucky she is to have someone like you.

 

Bestwishes x

[nutbrownhare]

OK maybe I haven't really grieved as you define it, but why should "moving on" be a definition of grieving. My pain has changed me, how could it not. I'm just back from a night out on the town, lots of drinking and fun with friends, and talking to women in bars, but still I miss my ex. I have plenty of opportunities to start something with other women, but somehow I can't. I acknowledege that I will never be with her again, but I'm stuck as I compare the women I meet to her and they always come up short and frankly I wouldn't want to expose an innocent party to my neurosis

 

I can't really add much more to my definition of grieving, other than to quote from the well-known family therapist Robin Skynner:

 

'Grief is when you accept the loss. You don't shrink from the natural suffering it causes you ... then it forces you to let go. By contrast, self-pity is what you feel when you DON'T accept the loss. Instead of letting the experience change you, you're wanting the world to be different, you want the clock to be put back as if the loss hadn't happened'.

 

I'm putting this up here mainly in case it's useful to other members. I think I misunderstood the purpose of your original post, which I took initially to mean that you wanted to change the situation. I respect the fact that you have accepted yourself as you are, and don't feel a need to move on.

[thorpe]

I am sorry if this post comes accross as a bit abrupt or stern, that really wasn't my intention. You sound like a great guy, you have a lot to offer someone and when you find her I hope she will realise how lucky she is to have someone like you.

 

Bestwishes x

 

Your post doesn't come accross as stern. It's full of good caring advise. I originally posted as I was going through a funk over the holidays. I think that's when we miss our "loved ones" the most.

 

13 years is a long time, but I don't consider them to be wasted years as some have implied. I've prospered in every aspect of my life apart from finding a romantic partner; I've made great new friends and cherish my old friends, have a great job and no worries about the practicalities of life. It certainly isn't perfect, but what is? and I'm far better off than many in this world.

 

Nutbrownhare, once again you've gone to the heart of the matter. I have come to a place where most of the time I'm content. I don't obsess about my ex as I once did, but this Xmas found myself really missing her so I posted and thanks for all the advice and understanding and honestly I'd love to be with her again, but it just isn't going to happen.

 

Right now I have a hangover from last night's bar hopping so my priorities are coffee, a bagel and English Premier League Football.......3 very good things about life.

[theeng]

To tell you the truth I'm pretty much in same boat as you. In the last 8 years there hasn't been a day where I haven't thought about my ex at least once. To me she was the one that got away, and every woman i've met since hasn't been able to hold a candle to her. Maybe unlike you it has definitely effected my professional life and other friendships. I'm mad that a person could have such control over my happiness. One thing that's helped me a little is trying to understand the physiology of why I feel the way i do. I've noticed childhood actors or those who have success too young, kind of go thru the same thing. It's like we had it so good, and we didn't know it at the time, but now we definitely know how good we use to have it, and we want it back but we can't have it! People tend to always want what made them the happiest, and who's to blame them? However I'm trying to become a realist. Even though she made me feel the way she did. mathematically the chances that this person is the only person I could be with is about 1 in a few billion! It's our hearts that have the hole in them, and it's our hearts that won't let go. Sometimes we need to think with our brains. Just because we haven't found our ex's replacement yet, doesn't mean she's not out there! My advice is kind of hypocritical since I haven't gotten over my ex yet either, but I'm hoping I will someday! The best is yet

ahead!

[thorpe]

To tell you the truth I'm pretty much in same boat as you. In the last 8 years there hasn't been a day where I haven't thought about my ex at least once. To me she was the one that got away, and every woman i've met since hasn't been able to hold a candle to her. Maybe unlike you it has definitely effected my professional life and other friendships.

 

I've been tremendously lucky professionally, for a year I was a complete mess and my employer was very understanding and cut me a lot of slack. That was the year I moved away and started again.

 

It's very difficult to have your ex in your thoughts and to know that she's moved on and is in a far healthier place than you. It's an addiction but you can't get your fix so it's like constant withdrawal. I firmly believe that there is a physiological reason for this and there is a biochemical imbalance in the brain. Pathways are made for attachment that don't get broken as easily as in most people. So if that's the case why not take a pill (or go into therapy) to get better, I would if I had something like diabetes. I wouldn't say " oh the diabetes is part of me, it makes me who I am" The thing is it isn't connected with my sense of self.

 

At my new job I tried hard to forget my wife and made an attempt to replace her by fixating on a co-worker. She looks very different, but has a similar personality and hit all my buttons. She wasn't interested in a romantic relationship, but I was desperate and I simply transfered my obsession from my ex wife to her. I flew awfully close to the sun and it was only her restraint that I think stopped me from either loosing my job or getting a restraining order. It was weird I was very attracted to this woman and came close to stalking her, but I would always think of how my ex would react. So I hadn't moved on. I backed off, but there was always tension between us even as we maintained a close and cordial working relationship. When she was laid off it was like loosing my ex wife, I went into melt down and for the one and only time called her at home. This freaked her out and freaked me out too so I went NC for a year until I bumped into her completely by chance at a local film society party. It was very awkward as I'm embarrassed to see her and I do not want her to think I'm obsessed with her. She's now on the board of directors and I limit my involvement to going to film shows and some financial assistance, basically I avoid situations where we might meet.

 

I agree about the probability of meeting the one you love out of the 4 billion on the planet. Just think how small a percentage of that 4 billion we meet and yet we find the love of our life. It's worst odds than a million to one shot. The one constant is us. As far as romance is concerned I'm not looking maybe I'll heal enough to make something work maybe not. I'm not doing anything practical in that area like link removed or asking women I meet in bars out, but I know that I can be attracted to women other than my ex, it just has to be in a far heathier way and without her being in my thoughts. The wife of a friend of mine has tried to do her "Emma" thing and set me up with her friends, but they just don't do it for me. I got a catch up email from my ex a couple of months ago and here is one bit that got to me

 

"you remember Dan. He was the kid that stayed with us before he went to computer camp."

 

Not a very inspiring and revelatory piece of prose, but it has one of the most magical words in it "us". There's so much in those 2 letters and to know that I can't use them to describe me and my ex is still dully painful. It's not a sharp pain anymore, it's more of a regret at so much lost. "Us" what a wonderful word.

[lovesickkk]

Wow, I'm awestruck, but yes, "Us" is such a powerful concept, thanks for sharing

[thorpe]

Wow, I'm awestruck, but yes, "Us" is such a powerful concept, thanks for sharing

 

I hope you can take some lessons away from my story and avoid the mistakes that I made and continue to make. I still have bad days, particularly around the holidays, but most days are good and when I think about my ex I smile. I haven't been able to move on emotionally, I wish I could, as I still feel married. So I've compensated in other ways, I've thrown myself into my career and become quite successful and taken up cycling in a fairly committed way. Having lost my ex I've become far more carefree. I no longer need to be quite as "responsible" because I'm single, so no college funds etc. and I have a lot more disposable income. I'll set off on a 1000 mile ride without a second thought and stay in really great hotels. Of course I'll send her a postcard from some out of the way place. Last summer it was small town Quebec this summer it will be Scotland. I plan to do a circuit of the highlands and sample a different local whiskey every night.