Just broke up - need advice please!

[ca07]

I've been dating my girlfriend in a long-distance relationship for about 3 years now, we see each other about once a month for a week or so, it has been this way since we met. My girlfriend has been having some personal problems for about 6 months now, about 2 weeks ago, everything became worse for her, that's when I received the call. She asked me for a break so she can focus on herself and try to deal with the situation which she says she can't do while I'm still talking/seeing her. At first she asked me for a break, but told me she did not wanted to stop talking to me, that she did not want to lose contact with me but did not want to talk about our relationship or her problems for a while. That worked for about 4 days, I was very confused so I told her if it would be better for us just to break up and that she could call me when things got better in 1-2 months. She begged me not to do this, she started crying and telling me that wasn't what she wanted, that she just needed some time. I agreed and everything was fine for 2 more days until last weekend, she went out with her friends, got really drunk and when I called her to she how she was doing she started telling me how much of a bad influence I was in her life and how she did not want to talk to me anymore. That because of me she made decisions that were probably the best things for her. basically she told me that some of the decisions she made were because she was in a relationship with me.

 

The next day, after everything that happened, I did not call her at all, at night she sent me a email telling me she was sorry for what she had said, that she in no way did not mean that, that she still loved me a lot, she did not want to lose me, and that she wish things were different but that she realized that even if we only talked about insignificant things, she cannot solve her problems, so she told me she needed to stop talking to me altogether and focus on herself for "some time". I emailed her back letting hr know that i loved her very much and that if that was what she wanted, i will give her that. i asked if she was no longer my girlfriend then and she just didn't answer the question.

 

The next day I wrote to her again regarding some things i left in her apt. asking her to please hold them for me until I arrive in early February but she never answered that either. 1 day later (yesterday) after not talking on the phone to her for 4 days now, she sent me a msg at 12:01 wishing me a happy new year, nothing more than that.

 

Im confused, I don't know if I should write to her, when I should do it and if there is any chance of me getting back together with her again, I certainly love her very much and I'm very sure she loves me as well.

 

When I asked her about our future she told me "I do not have any answers not even for myself. The only mode i am in is recovery mode, whatever it takes to find my way again, I do not want to be concerned about anything else. If you need to forget me then do so because right now i have nothing to offer. As of now its only me against the world, and I want that right now."

 

What should I do, do you guys think I still have a chance of being with her again?

 

Sorry for the long explanation.

 

Thanks!

[DN]

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

I think you should assume the relationship is over, do whatever it is that is necessary for you to heal and move on to someone who does want a relationship with you. That means getting your stuff back from her.

 

Never let anyone leave you hanging like that. It isn't fair to you and is certainly not in your best interests.

[ca07]

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

I think you should assume the relationship is over, do whatever it is that is necessary for you to heal and move on to someone who does want a relationship with you. That means getting your stuff back from her.

 

Never let anyone leave you hanging like that. It isn't fair to you and is certainly not in your best interests.

Thanks for welcoming me and thanks for your advice. In my mind the fact that she did not answer that specific question but she answered the others was because she's not ready to let go of me yet. I really don't care about the stuff i left there, i just wanted to see how she reacted, especially after she told me she does not want to lose me and that she's not leaving me, she just needs a break. I might be wrong, when one is in these situations, you can't think right. Thanks again.

[catfeeder]

Thanks for welcoming me and thanks for your advice. In my mind the fact that she did not answer that specific question but she answered the others was because she's not ready to let go of me yet. I really don't care about the stuff i left there, i just wanted to see how she reacted, especially after she told me she does not want to lose me and that she's not leaving me, she just needs a break. I might be wrong, when one is in these situations, you can't think right. Thanks again.

 

You need some time and distance from this. At present you're right on top of every detail trying to read nuances into every word spoken nearly every day--step back.

 

Adopting 'no contact' isn't about manipulating, it's about letting things cool off and gaining perspective. You can't do that when either of you are all over this. There is too much pressure in the cooker right now, so everything boils too high.

 

You don't need to figure out anything right away, and trying to do so will make you hyper--and that's the stuff that will drive her away. Let time relax her a bit--not a day or a week, longer.

 

In your corner.

[ca07]

Thank for your advice, I'll wait and see what happens, I guess everything is just too recent. I just hope I don't lose her.

[drewciouS281]

she may not want to fully let go yet cause a part of her does care but it sure seems like she is trying to let go. All of us at the end of a break up want to think that theres a chance and we take little things they say that there is still hope but in all reality, most of the time there isnt. I dont really know what stuff she is going through but many times people use the excuse that they need to be alone to figure things out cause its an easy out. They dont want to hurt your feelings by stating the truth. Perhaps she just wants to be single and alone. people hit points in life where they wanna try and achieve new things and need to be alone to get to this point. Also, the fact that its long distant could have just gotten old. I know i couldnt last a long distant relationship anymore than a month or two. Im just not built for that cause i like to be able to see the person at any time.

 

I would just take this as its done. At first she wanted a break but with some contact, now she doesnt want any contact? Dude, sorry to break the news but its over with. Start your healing process and move on and find someone in your same city. good luck!

[ca07]

thanks, you are certainly right, i'll move on and hopefully find someone better.

[drewciouS281]

dont have the attitude that hopefully you will find someone better, go into it knowing you will find someone better. She obviously isnt that great for pulling this on you so know that things can only look up for you!

[zrehman]

Welcome!

 

Firstly, Me and you are almost in the identical situation. My ex for 5 days so far, told me that she needs to focus on her career but still wants to be friends with me and wants me to be a part of her life. After some careful thought and some great advice on ENA. I've learned that she just wanted me as a safety net, in case whatever it is she was trying to do did not work out for her ... she could come back to me cause I would be there waiting by the phone.

 

Your ex cannot have her cake and eat it too. She can't have you there, but not want to be in a relationship. You will just be tormenting yourself and you will give her the power to abuse you more and more as your relationship progresses.

 

You need to stand up for yourself and show her that you will not be her lap dog and be waiting around for her ... that just isn't fair!

 

You should either write her an email back, letting her know something like, "Since you can't place me in your life right now. I think its best that you focus on what it is you need to do to make yourself the person you seek to become. I can't go from loving you to being friends with you because my feelings aren't a light switch that I can turn on/off. I need time to heal and move forward. Wish you all the best!"

 

I've read many experiences from time and time again were the dumpee hangs around the dumper because the dumper "needs them in there life as a friend" and that just allows the dumper to move forward nice and smoothly were they will not need the dumpee anymore ... don't become another statistic.

 

You deserve to be with someone that doesn't give you this run around.

[ca07]

Its nice to know I'm not the only one in this situation, I took your advice and wrote an email to her today letting her know I won't be on standby waiting until she makes up her mind. That she can either get back with me right now if indeed she still loves me, or she can say goodbye to me for good. A few hours later she wrote an email to me and only said: "please don't do this, i have been going through a lot these past days, I don't know who or what I am right now, I need time to get my life back together, please give me a chance to fix things, but i need some more time".

 

I decided I will leave her alone without telling her I am moving on b/c I know for a fact she has a lot of problems that don't have anything to do with me, and I think telling her I'm moving on will only make it worse for her, I certainly don't wish her more pain.

 

Hopefully she will fix her problems, and if she comes back I'll deal with it at the moment. I see what happens in the near future (2-3 weeks) but I will definitely start taking the necessary steps to forget her just in case.

 

Thanks for your advice!

[zrehman]

Good job ... you did the right thing.

 

I'm on Day 6 and I still miss her heavily and want to call and just say HI. But I can't, since she is the one who is unsure about "us".

 

You should not contact her at all. If you do, it will look like you didn't mean what you really said in the email. If she contacts you, let it go to voicemail or email ... think about what she is saying and if she is really truly being honest. You know her best, so you would be able to tell if she is bluffing or not.

 

Good luck!

[ca07]

Good job ... you did the right thing.

 

I'm on Day 6 and I still miss her heavily and want to call and just say HI. But I can't, since she is the one who is unsure about "us".

 

You should not contact her at all. If you do, it will look like you didn't mean what you really said in the email. If she contacts you, let it go to voicemail or email ... think about what she is saying and if she is really truly being honest. You know her best, so you would be able to tell if she is bluffing or not.

 

Good luck!

 

Thank for your help, I'll see what happens, I wish you luck as well!

[ca07]

UPDATE*** as of today I believe our relationship is definitely over. On saturday night (3:00 a.m.) I received an email from her letting me know she could no longer be with me. Since then I have been devastated, she clearly stated on her email that things have changed and that she no longer wants to be with me. I feel really torn apart and I wish there were something I could do to get us back together. I certainly love her and know she does so too, I wish she would see things differently so we can fix our problems.

 

I feel an urge to contact her to let her know I want to make things work but at the same time I wonder is NC would give us a better chance to fix this. On the other hand I wonder if things can be fixed or not. Her email was very clear as you can see:

 

"Look, I know you can change and can be a better person, do so in your

next relationship. I don't want to be with you anymore, and that comes

straight from me with all honesty and I said it before. I was clear

that nothing you could do would change my mind, things are way beyond

repair. But I am being as honest as I can, and as I was in the email titled

such, I am not going to get back together with you, I'm sorry. I will

tie up all lose ends, and there is no need for further communication.

Please stop making this any harder. "

 

Its definitely over right?

[DN]

Yep - sorry but it's done.

 

Time to start healing and move on.

[ca07]

Yep - sorry but it's done.

 

Time to start healing and move on.

 

Update 2

 

We contacted each other over some pending issues regarding some credit cards and other stuff via email. We exchanged a few emails with each other, In one of them I told her I was finally starting to feel better about us not being together and told her I'm moving in the right direction. She flipped out after that, she told me she didn't want to know anything about me anymore and that she wanted to be alone. I guess its starting to settle in for her that I'm moving on and its really over. In a way I feel sorry for her but on the other hand I'm glad she's in more pain than I am now because for the past week it was the other way around. I'll see her at my b-day party (to which she agreed to attend) in about 3 weeks time. I'll see how she reacts then. Unfortunately I think I will have moved on by then. That's all for now...I'm feeling better though.

[DN]

Don't be surprised and disappointed if she doesn't come to your party.

[drewciouS281]

Dont contact her anymore man!! your going to make things alot worse to the point she may even put a restraining order on you. You will look desperate. You just need to accept this for what it is and move on. Ive been down this road man and i realized whats done is done. Learn from your mistakes and move on! sorry, i know this hurts but i HIGHLY recommend to not contact her. She said not to plain and simple so you have to respect her wishes. No what ifs. No, i think i can fix things. she said No!

 

Honestly i wouldnt even invite her to your party. whats that gonna prove. you said yourself yoru glad she is hurtin now. I can totally foresee you two getting into it. Dont ruin your birthday over somone thats now a thing of the past. I think your having alternative intentions with this than your telling us.........

[ca07]

I haven't contacted her anymore for the past days, she's the one who has contacted me to settle some pending issues, we both agreed to be friends, we even agreed she could stay with an additional credit card she has from my account. Relationship-wise things are bad, but as friends things are looking good. She will probably be there because my birthday party will also by my cousin's who is the person who introduced us about 3 yrs ago and she is very close with her. I told her I had no problem with her being there. Everyday I wake up I feel better and better, I'm confident in a couple of weeks this will all be in my past, I hope she gets through it as well.

[DN]

we even agreed she could stay with an additional credit card she has from my account.

Why on earth would you agree to that?

[ca07]

Why on earth would you agree to that?

 

Jajaja it may sound funny but I trust her with those types of things, besides she is financially well off and the only reason she doesn't have her own card is because she doesn't have any credit history, she always pays cash for everything, including cars and those type of things, good thing is that I get to keep all the rewards points which add up to about 100,000 per year.