Fiance gave me the ring back...

[You and Me]

I'm a wreck right now and don't know what to do. My fiance and I have been having a lot of problems lately and I guess it came to an end last night. I had recently told her that I was getting some cold feet about the wedding and I felt a lot of pressure and I felt uncomfortable living with her since we just moved in. I told her I still wanted to be with her, and I do, but that I wasn't sure If i wanted to get married yet. She was really hurt by this and we agreed to postpone the wedding. She continued to wear the engagement ring but told me she wasn't sure if she still wanted to be with me, as she wanted to be with someone who was 100 percent sure they wanted to get married and didn't feel the way I did about living together.

 

We spent Christmas together and things seemed to improve a bit. Then we get to New Years Eve. She had already made her plans with her friends, and I had made plans with friends of mine. We were going to do our own thing. So later in the night she asked if we could meet up later at a bar and I was unsure about it because we didn't plan on hanging out and I had made plans with friends, and also, earlier in the week, she said she didn't even want to spend New Years with me! She got upset and thought that I didn't want to be around her and she got mad about. But I told her that I'd let her know where we were going and that it was ok if she showed up there.

 

So her and her friends end up showing up at the bar that I am at with my friends. I guess she felt like I was ignoring her and got mad and told me I was acting like an idiot and that she didn't want to hang out with me anymore. So I hung out with my friends away from her the whole night. At the end of the night, I was going to give her and her one friend a ride home, my friend was with me, and when we met up, my fiance for some reason starts to get angry at my friend and starts insulting him. He tells her and her friend off and then they storm off and drive themselves home.

 

I drive home and she isn't there, so I assume she stayed at her friends. I go to sleep and wake up around 7 am to her banging on my door. She tells me that last night was the last straw and that she was pissed that I ignored her all night and she told me I acted like an and that doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. She had her doubts about whether she wanted to stay with me, but said that after last night, that put her over the edge and now she doesn't. She then gave me back the ring and told me to leave. As I am leaving I overhear her on the phone with her mom telling her what happened and that I acted like an and ignored her all night and that she is done.

 

I am sorry that this is such a long rant or hard to follow, but I am just really confused. My friend drove 2 hours to hang out with me and I had already made plans with him and my fiance had her own plans. I am sorry that I couldn't give every bit of my attention to her because I wanted to spend time with friends. She had told me earlier she didn't even want to spend New Years together, then she freaks out and gets angry because I ignore her at a bar and thereforee I am officially an who she can't be with anymore. I am sure if we didn't have our previous problems and this happened, she wouldn't have reacted like this, but even so, am I crazy for thinking she overreacted? My friend thinks she did also. I didn't say anything rude to her or disrespectful to her all night. I wasn't around her the whole night and for some reason she is just so offended by that and angry about it. Then she goes off on my friend and starts insulting him because she is angry with me. She told me she doesn't want to talk to me or see me, but we live together so its going to be difficult until I move out. What should I do? And does anyone think she may have overreacted a bit?

[annie24]

i wonder if the party last night just 'broke the camel's back.' given that you told her:

had recently told her that I was getting some cold feet about the wedding and I felt a lot of pressure and I felt uncomfortable living with her since we just moved in.

 

i don't understand why you proposed if you weren't ready to marry. i can see why she was really really hurt by that. maybe she did overreact about what happened last night, but i think postponing the marriage hurt her even more.

[Balbina]

Emotions cloud judgment..and in this case, they REALLY clouded her judgment. The background to your situation explains a lot.

 

I don't think she takes into consideration that you were with your buddies and she probably though that you situation with her was excuse enough for it to be the only thing you were supposed to be dealing with. Not saying its right or wrong, but that's the way it is. One of those "if you cared, you'd do something" sort of things...

 

She contacted you to meet up in an attempt to be with you. Even if you made separate plans and you-said-she-said something completely different, it was her way of coming to you. And while I do totally get that you made your own plans and were with your friend, she was probably feeling REALLY uncertain about your relationship and how things were going, and her reaction to the night, while irrational, shows that she did go there for reassurance from you - in the form of you making a display of it.

 

I think she over reacted, yes, but did you go out of your way to talk to her? Do you want to be with her? Did you try to show her some affection, or just ignore her because your buddy was there and it was "your" night. Some women need that little extra...it doesn't mean that you have to drop what you're doing, but don't ignore the poor girl when SHE made the first move.

 

What she did was wrong and out of line, yes. She shouldn't have attacked your friend an expected you to come to her afterwards (which she did). It's childish behaviour and it seems like she was playing a little game last night in which you were suposed to read her mind.

 

EXPLAIN to her the situation that occurred. Show her that you're not the you says you are and that that is a ludicrous thing for her to say. And call her out on her actions - tell her that you're willing to listen to what she has to say, to what she wants, if only she tells you whats up instead of waiting for you to read between the lines.

 

If you really want to be with her, you need to seriously talk with her. You guys are obviously not on the same page, and obviously stuck in your own emotional worlds. You need to figure out what you want from each other - and let the other know.

[sophie274]

i wonder if the party last night just 'broke the camel's back.' given that you told her:

 

i don't understand why you proposed if you weren't ready to marry. i can see why she was really really hurt by that. maybe she did overreact about what happened last night, but i think postponing the marriage hurt her even more.

 

Yes, I agree with Annie. I think she over-reacted last night, and that her behavior was less than ideal, but that behavior was definitely rooted in the context of your cold feet. I think her desire to marry someone who feels "sure" is absolutely understandable, and normal.

 

How do you feel now that she has left? Perhaps this will help clear up for you whether your cold feet were just nerves, or a manifestation that you really did not want to spend the rest of your life with her. Do you want her back?

[You and Me]

Yes, I do want her back more than anything, but now I feel like its too late. I have no idea what to do or how to act about all this. I truly believe it was all nerves because now that she gave the ring back, I am hurt and I am realizing that I really did want to spend the rest of my life with her. I just screwed up. I tend to screw up all the time. Now I have no idea what to do.

[drewciouS281]

I dunno man, not trying to judge but by the sounds of your story, i sorta dont blame her for wanting out. Havent you learned by now that even though a woman may say they dont wanna hang for this holiday or that holiday, its still a holiday and women always want to spend it with the man. sometimes its a test to see if we care! I understand you wanted to hang with your friends but its new years man. You have to bring in the new year with your girl and the fact you did ignore her since she made the EFFORT to see you, i dont blame her for being pissed! I would call it off on my girl if she did that to me hands down!

 

Also, the fact that you tell her your not ready to get married right away or even live together sounds to me that your not commited to the relationship. You need to put yourself in her shoes and stop thinking of yourself. Of course you want her back now cause she pulled the plug but it really may have been the last straw for her man. If you want her back, your gonna have to really work hard to prove to her you are commited and it wont be an over night thing. That you really need to dig down and decide how comitted you really are or are you just going through the typical lonely blues of a break up?

[You and Me]

You are probably right. I feel like such an idiot. I guess the only thing I can do is show her that I care and that I really do want to be with her. And I will just give her time. It sucks because the whole relationship I never once displayed behavior like this and then all of a sudden I get these nerves and start acting out. If it is too late to win her back, I just have to learn from this.

[drewciouS281]

If this is the first time something like this has happened you may yet have a chance. Be prepared to eat dog poo though. You cant just apologize and it be all good cause this will seem to easy. Things may mostly likely go back to this after you become comfortable. You guys are really gonna have to revive and jump start the relationship ship into something new. You have to show her you wanna change and that it will stay that way. I know living with that person you see them all the time but remember the friendship you guys had before you moved in. How you loved spending time out and about with her and your friends. You can have guy nights or girls night only but not on holidays man and even if she makes effort to wanna see you, take that as a good sign.

 

lastly, really dig down past all the hurt of being alone right now and ask yourself, are you ready to marry her and or live with her?? If you guys havent lived together very long, i always say to give it atleast 6 months of living together to see if you can stand to marry that person.

 

a TIP on trying to get her back. Write down in a letter all of what you feel, and the wrong doing you feel you did. Tell her about all the things you appreciate about her and the reasons you fell in love with her. Buy a dozen roses and some yellow roses to mix in there. contact her and ask her if you can have ten minutes to talk to her. Just ten minutes. If she agrees, try to have it be at your place or hers. you want to be alone with her. Now, dont just give her the letter, read it to her, give her the roses and tell her the red symbolizes the love you have for her and the yellow symbolizes your strong friendship with her. After you read the letter, tell her you dont expect an answer or to get back together right away. Let her know that you just wanted to show that you realized what you have done and the risk of losing her forever you cannot stand. Tell her that if she would like to talk again, you want to respect her space and to contact you when she is ready, and leave it at that. NEVER, TALK ABOUT GETTING BACK TOGETHER RIGHT AFTER A BREAK UP. This adds more pressure on the dumper. This approach will show you understand and respect her.. This has worked like a charm for me a couple of times.

[sophie274]

Yes, I do want her back more than anything, but now I feel like its too late. I have no idea what to do or how to act about all this. I truly believe it was all nerves because now that she gave the ring back, I am hurt and I am realizing that I really did want to spend the rest of my life with her. I just screwed up. I tend to screw up all the time. Now I have no idea what to do.

 

If you do want her back, then I think you should try very hard to get her back. Hopefully she will listen to you if you explain that you are sure you want to be with her now.

 

I did, however, look at some of your earlier threads - and in those it seemed that there were some larger problems, beyond your cold feet: lack of intimacy, poor communication. One of them made it sound like the relationship had been going downhill for awhile ... Are you really sure you're sure? And if you are, why do you think that you made out with another girl just a few days ago?

 

I don't mean to sound accusatory. I just get the impression that you are actually more confused than you are letting on, and that you're sure NOW, but not sure everyday.

[zrehman]

Hey buddy ... I've been following your thread

 

I feel as though your ex fiance is really upset about the situation of you getting cold feet and that is her reason for being the way she was on New Years Eve.

 

I think you need to sit down with her and talk to her and both of you need to make a decision on what you guys want to do.

 

Whatever she wants, just give it to her. If she wants space, time, etc.. Just give it to her ... I think she needs to re-evaluate her life and with space and time, she can consciously make the decision she needs to make. But in that time, you need to move forward with your life and also re-evaluate if you really want to be with this woman.

 

I think both of you need some space from each other. Time heals everything.

[You and Me]

After spending the long weekend apart, I just got back to our place and now my fiance won't even talk to me, she has shut herself into her room and I could see through the crack in the bottom of the door that she put a chair up against the door! Does she really think I'm some kind of psycho who is going to break into her room? I asked her if we could talk and she said no. We've had no contact for the past 4 days and now I want to reach out and talk, but she refuses. What should I do? Should I just respect what she wants for now and let her come to me if she wants to talk or should I keep asking?

[meiling]

She doesn't think you're a psycho. She's just extremely mad because she's extremely hurt because she cares for you so much. Is she acting rational? No, but many women don't when they're hurt.

 

Don't give up. She is just still fuming, but really wants you to come forward and make things better. She's just holding a grudge and won't make it easy because of that. My suggestion is to write her a note and slip it under the door. Keep it short and sweet but attention-grabbing, enough to convince her that you are willing to sit down and work out what's wrong. As mad as she is, she'll still read it, it will calm her down enough to talk to you.

 

You're going to have to tread carefully for now, because she will still be angry. If you really want things to work, listen to her and don't argue no matter what she throws at you, make her understand that it was a mistake and then back it up with your actions.

 

I hope things go over okay!

[Kristin25]

Yeah I think this is a pretty simple one.

 

You said you weren't ready to get married. This is crushing to her. Crushing.

 

You made plans with other people, she wanted to see you. You said fine.

 

Then really, you were just being a guy who with his friends, acting drunk on new years (like everyone else there) and she is HYPER sensitive now after the postponement question.

 

She is very hurt but mostly pissed beyond belief that as she sees it, you ignored becasue you were with your bids and didn't want her yelling at you at the bar at nye. She is really pissed about that, and I could see why, she must be in quite a state after the guy she was set to marry backed out as she sees it.

 

If you really want her back, I mean if you really want to get in this for the win. Be patient and be persistent. Flowers, begging her talk, everything. What is so great is that you are living with her so you have every opportunity to win her back.

 

Be patient. Tell her you love her. She will simmer down eventually. Make her some food, do something special. Trust me, she will open up and listen.

 

Please keeping updating us on her too. I hope it ends up really well.

[You and Me]

Had things been good between us and this happened, she obviously wouldn't have reacted like that or given me the ring back. This was all manifested over the past couple of weeks. She was trying to reach out to spend time with me and I totally blew her off. I feel like such an idiot. I may have lost the best thing I ever had. And while yes, I was getting nervous about getting married and have been acting out lately, I never told her I didn't want to be with her and that I didn't love her anymore. I never told her that I never wanted to get married, just that I was nervous about doing it so soon. I still love her very much and really want to be with her and try to make this work, but she may have already lost the love she had for me. And once it is gone, it is really hard to get back.

[zrehman]

Great advice!

[You and Me]

Thanks for everyone's advice. I think two people mentioned flowers, but do you really think flowers make a difference at this point? She might see it as a cheap gesture and think I am only doing it because she is upset. But I don't know what else to do to show her I want to work things out and try to make this work. I sent her an email today at work telling her that I hoped she is ok and that I hope she had a fun weekend and has a good day and that I would go home at lunch to let our dog out. Should I just show her that I care? I was thinking perhaps I would ask her tonight if she needs help with anything around the house like cleaning. She is real big on keeping the place clean, so I feel like maybe I should offer to help her and clean the house for her or do something productive for her.

 

Should I just keep offering to help her with things? I feel like the only way to show her I care is to be generous and kind to her, and thats what I want to do. For what I've put her through, she should be getting her feet kissed by me and I want to show her I still love her and still want to be with her.

[annie24]

flowers, yes, i would do that. try writing some cards to her about special memories - like maybe how you felt the first time you saw her, or how you felt after your first date with her - something kind of romantic. make her favorite meal for her. pamper her a little.

[You and Me]

Well I talked to her briefly tonight. I guess its completely over and I don't know what to do. She said she still didn't want to be around me for a while. I asked her if she will ever want to be around me to at least talk and she said "not about us". I said "why?" She said, "because we're done, thats it, you've shown me who you are". I don't know what to do right now. Does this mean she is done for good? I feel like writing her cards or sending her flowers wouldn't do a damn thing at this point. I am beside myself. Do I have any chance whatsoever to win her back?

[annie24]

but going back to how you felt...... if you had a feeling that you weren't ready to get married and you said you felt uncomfortable living with her..... maybe breaking up is the right decision??

 

i dunno - if you are serious about winning her back, then maybe you should show her you are really serious.

[You and Me]

I got cold feet. I still want to marry her. I don't know how I can show her I am serious about wanting to be with her now that she won't even talk to me at all, let alone talk about our relationship. I don't know what to do exactly.

[Ellie2006]

I'm a wreck right now and don't know what to do. My fiance and I have been having a lot of problems lately

 

I got cold feet. I still want to marry her. I don't know how I can show her I am serious about wanting to be with her now that she won't even talk to me at all, let alone talk about our relationship. I don't know what to do exactly.

 

In my humble opinion, I think it might do both of you best to take some time and distance to think about the relationship and if it's what you both really want.

 

You say you know now that you are "serious about wanting to be with her" BUT how do you know this? What prompted you to arrive at this conclusion all of a sudden? What do you think is at the base of all the problems you two had lately?

 

I may be way off (and if I am, I do apologize) BUT how certain are you that you aren't simply worried about losing the relationship WITHOUT being certain about if you want to be with her or not?

 

I dont necessarily think that you should write off your recent feelings of doubt as a case of "cold feet." Maybe it might be good to take some time apart and to figure out what you really want. And you should do this BEFORE you try and resolve things with your ex-fiancee, lest you hurt her again with your lingering doubts.

 

Just my two cents.

[You and Me]

I never had any doubt about being with her, I had my doubts about marrying her in September, not about marrying her in general, I felt like we rushed it too quickly. I had my doubts about getting married in less than a year. I never doubted that I wanted to be with her and marry her eventually. But of course I understand why she is hurt. But now it might be too late for her to want to give me another chance and I will have to live with that.

 

It is hard for me because I see how she is right now and how she is saying that she is done with me and that its over and it so painful to think that just like that, this person who loved you so much seems to no longer have that love for you. Just like that it can be gone, and it is hard to get back.

[drewciouS281]

Its not that the love is just "poof" gone. it usually takes time for things to happen like this. Perhaps months back she started getting this vibe from you and it kept filling up the bottle till it finally popped.

 

Is this the first time you guys have broken up or have you had other breaks in the past?

[You and Me]

This is really the first time. I'm devastated. I guess I brought this upon myself though. I just wish I could get her back. She won't even talk to me though and I don't know when she will let me.

[drewciouS281]

Give her atleast a full week of space. Like i said, send her a text or a voicemail at that telling her the plan i gave you on page one. Since this is your real first break up, perhaps you may get a second chance. She is still hurt right now so you have to give her some days to cool off. COntinuous contact will only make her more upset.