Really need expert help, sorry it's very long

[bry212]

A little background she's 30 I'm 26. Together four years lived together for three worked together for last 2. Relationship was good saw each other way too much I think, we even share a fairly close group of friends. She wasn't the best at communicating and I wasn't the best at doing what truly made her happy. Vacations, spending more time with our families and friends etc. I was a bit too work focused for a while and neglected the things that were truly important to her, never her personally though.

 

July-Aug

This all took it's toll and she finally broke it off with me july7th to be exact. Citing those things and that she just didn't love who I had become this last year. She was no longer (emotionally) attracted to me anymore and that we were on different paths blah blah. I begged and pleaded for the next two months, she was still living with me. She had already mentally moved on at this point and was forming a new relationship emotionally with someone else. Keep in mind I found this out until much later. Honesty would have been nice though, we were not together anymore. She moved out exactly two months later.

 

 

 

Sept-Oct

I begged a couple more times, it was tough we worked together so I saw her everyday. Asked her if it were someone else etc. It just pushed her farther away. During this time I woke myself up and tried to focus on the things that I neglected, mainly my friends and just balancing work and my life. I had some very good support and I guess I became the better version of me again, and honestly probably better than ever all things considering. During this time we were friendly with each other at work and just sort of avoided each other outside of it which is tough with our group of 8 or so close friends. We got into a conversation somehow at work where she said she was irritated that our friends were talking about me hanging out with other girls. She said it hurt her and even though it was her decision to leave she didn't want it thrown in her face. She seemed to be digging for an answer so I said yeah casually no big deal, and dropped the subject. During these couple months I would ask her to hang out and would always get an excuse, I was just guessing we weren't ready even for friends yet.

 

November

She certainly seems very upset at times and I can always tell when something is up with her. I pried and wanted to get her to open up to me. Even though we weren't together I knew for sure she wouldn't open up to anyone but me. She just doesn't like to open up to everyone. She felt like she was losing her friends, and she did nothing but sit at home most of the time. Her best friend and mine are actually together and I was with them often. He was my go to guy and his girl just happened to be around most of the time. It wasn't like anyone was choosing sides.She was also having some serious money problems. She wasn't sure if she should just leave the state and move home. She was crying mostly through telling me and I really felt bad. I was there for her as a friend. She was definitely no longer herself. I invited her to thanksgiving to cheer her up so she wouldn't be alone along with our best friend couple. It was a very good time, no weirdness at all. She seemed a little more like her old self, we all were just back like good times. My guy friend mentioned that he thought things were strange with me ex and I. That she was being a bit flirty with me and it seemed like she was having a great time. I kind of shrugged it off, didn't want to hurt myself. Although it stuck in my head, he had been the one who helped me get through it all. He was the one who was tying to get me to give up hope, as he didn't want to see me hurt. The next night she came over after to work to eat some of the leftovers, jut she and I and it was a bit awkward. She only stayed for a little while and took off. The next week one of our fav bands was playing, Most people couldn't go so I invited her and she made some excuse not to. We remained friendly at work and things were getting really bad for her financially. She decided it was time to leave our work, she had a good opportunity and we talked about it in length and agreed that she should go. Her last couple weeks were great, although sad. We had been each others rocks with work through everything even our breakup. We were the backbone of that place and it was hard to say goodbye. I was letting her deal with her stuff around this time and kind of left us hanging around as friends just be for now.

 

December

She asked me to a friendly dinner at on of our fav places that all our friends hate. It was real nice, no talk of us, just pleasant. A couple days later was her last day of work it was just she and I. It was extremely emotional, she went straight home and cried for hours. We put everything into that place. She text me later to see if I wanted to come up and hang out with some friends at a place we all go to. We had a great time with everyone, seemed like old times. It absolutely exploded though........ I made a joke about our relationship and she seemed to get so upset with me. She said that "I broke her heart" which came to me as a shock. She was getting upset and crying. She kept saying just because she is crying it doesn't change the way she feels about me. She doesn't understand how now I seem to be so much happier now, and how I wasn't this way when we were together. I explained what she meant to me, and that it wasn't only her I was hurting. That everything just blew up in my face and my other friends didn't sugar coat it. They agreed that she had the right to leave, and that i wasn't being a great friend. So I took an honest look at myself and knew what was

important to me. I was finding my balance and finding a way to get back to the way I wanted to be. She seemed to be getting more upset as this conversation went on. We left shortly after and she gave me a ride home.

 

I went to my friends house the next day and broke down and told him about everything that had been happening and wanted his advice. I have known him since I was 14 and we have always been like brothers. He was seeing what was going on and I could tell he wanted to tell me something. My ex had told him she was seeing someone else. He wanted her to tell me but didn't want to see me so hurt and confused. I confronted her and told her how angry I was. It wasn't that she was seeing someone it was that she wasn't honest with me and that was not like her. It ended pretty badly and we didn't speak for a couple weeks. The guy she was seeing was one of our mutual friends, although a close friend of hers brother. She admitted later that when we split, they became closer during that summer, and after she moved out they started seeing each other. I had no reason to be mad, we were broken up at the time. Of course I was hurt, but mostly because she lied.

 

Christmas was approaching and I was feeling down, I told her we should probably talk about what is going on. I needed her to know how i felt. She came by after work and we had a civil talk. She apologized for not telling me, but she didn't want to hurt me yadda yadda. I asked her why she always made comments about being home alone all the time and wanting to move home etc. She said they only see each other maybe once a week and that she was feeling that way. I didn't really want their relationship details so I moved on. She seemed like she had a lot on her mind, so I told her to just get it out. She went back to the conversation about how it hurts her that I have become a much better version of myself. She always has to listen to our friends telling her about how much better I am now. That it seems like I was so unhappy with her, but now I'm great. I just assured her the way I was had nothing to do with her. She was pretty upset and crying, but made sure I knew she didn't have feelings for me. I guess she is over me but not out relationship, I dunno. The convo ended well and we just left it as with time we'll work on our friendship. She stopped by the next day to drop off our dog from when we lived together. She was going to her families for christmas. After her 10 day trip she came home and picked up the dog, and to drop off a gift from her mom. She stayed for 1.5 hours and we just chatted mostly about her family, I was very close to them and considered them my own. I told her I was getting hungry and asked if she wanted some food. She mad an excuse to get the dog home so I just kind of politely said I needed to take off to eat. She left some of her stuff here and returned later that night to grab it. Stayed for a few and then took off. We haven't talked since, all of our friends were split up on new years eve with everything going on.

 

My head is in such a mess right now. This whole situation just sucks, I love this girl more than anything. If things don't work out with her new guy and she took some time to actually clear her head I would love to try and work things out. I wish I could just say I don't want to be with her, but it's hard. We clicked really well together, with a little work things could have been really great with us. On top of it all I just want her to be happy. She doesn't seem happy right now. I have no idea what her new relationship is really like, and it's not my business. I just know her and she is not in a good place right now. She is digging herself a big hole and it sucks. She is dating her good friends brother and on top of that in her new job she works for one of his relatives!

Where do I go from here? If I want to keep my friends I will have to see her. Should I just go NC unless we're out at the same place? What the hell is going on in her head?

 

Man, I feel like a level headed guy, but I cannot sort this out. I've only talked to my best friend about this and he loves us both. I guess I nee some other advice.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She is clearly all over the map and this guy she is seeing (or rather jerking around) is her rebound. How dare she get upset with you for dating when she has been in a rebound relationship this whole time. The poor guy she is with is not getting a woman who is 100% with him. I would suggest you go NC and deal with her minimally. She needs to sort things out in her head.

[bry212]

She never said she was upset about me dating. She just said it hurt and she didn't like people throwing it in her face. I guess we can read between the lines on that though.

[bry212]

I know it's long guys, but I really need some help. If I were near you I'd buy you a drink for your trouble, haha.

[bry212]

Anybody have any advice?

[johnsf1980]

I would go NC rather than be there to support her.... the new guy is getting a free ride because you are there to support her emotionally. Only once you aren't there totally will she be able to truly appreciate you and see that the new guy isn't the next best thing since sliced bread.

[bry212]

bumping again, hopefully for some advice. I just don't understand what is going on in her head. We haven't spoken in three weeks now. When I found out she was with someone else, I just went dark.

[Wmast]

Bro, sorry about what you're going through. I know the pain, it's not pleasant. If you haven't already, read the 1st few pages of this thread. You'll learn a lot and it should help you in your situation.

 

 

 

Goodluck!

[Hosedbywife]

I have to agree with johnsf1980. You have tried being nice, you have talked it out way too much with her and now look where you are. You are playing the support role (emotionally) for her while she has her new bf. I have done the same thing as you and it has not made my x even remotely want me back. When I have shown no interest in her, not called her for a week or so then she comes around wondering where I have been and what I have been doing and like a jerk I spend 30 minutes on the phone talking with her. I am no where because of this. I am now in LC (because we have two kids). I feel much better and in your case I would go NC now. Stop worrying what is going on in her mind. She could not tell you what is going on in that feeble mind if someone asked, she is a mess, let her go and if she comes back then you can decide if you even want her back. It has taken me a full year to come to my same spot where you are today. GO NC NOW!