please please please... help me change my mindset and save my relationship

[Kitz]

is this just the honeymoon period ending or me feeling trapped which is in turn making me push him away? Is he being controlling or am I just slipping back into my old ways of being a commitment-phobe? this is my first "long term" relationship so im clueless to these things and while i love my boyfriend, i dont feel "in love" with him anymore.

Im sorry, i feel this turning into a rave... but maybe this will provide insight for people in the same situation but on the opposite side.

 

we've been together 9 months, he told me he loved me after a month and we pretty much moved in together after 4. while this wasn't official moving in together, i moved out of my parents country home and into his city which was a 40 minute drive away with some friends, mainly so i could get more shifts at work and also so i could see him more often.

 

..... seeing him ALOT more often - the entire 3 months i lived there the ONLY night he didnt stay over was the first. he was unemployed so hung out with his friends while i worked, picked me up from work and drove me home and then hung out with me afterwards. Every single day. He helped to contribute a little bit towards food but barely anything towards housework. Again, i honestly didnt mind as he was my guest, i dont have my liscence and he drove me around everywhere.. also I was the one with the job and who could afford to pay for everything.

 

But what i DID care about were his insecurities, they drove me mad - me and a friend joined a gym and he complained every time i went that he'd be lonely without me, even though i only spent one hour at the gym, three times a week! I would only be gone for one hour!! Every time i went out to see my friends, i'd come back and we'd have a fight about something stupid. This issue is sorted now, finally, after a stupid argument we had where I said "dont worry about picking me up from my friends place, i'll just walk home." (thinking i was being helpful because i felt bad about him driving me everywhere.)

When i got home he was acting so weird and not really talking to me so i forced him to say what was wrong. He admitted to being insecure and thinking that because i didnt want him to pick me up, he thought I didnt want him to know where i was - thereforee thinking i was over at my ex boyfriends house cheating on him. In his words: "you're the best thing thats ever happened to me and I just dont know what i'd do if I lost you". I was so frustrated at this point I told him that if he kept going on like this and not trusting me and not letting me see my friends without feeling guilty, he WOULD lose me.

 

Since then, he has completely encouraged me to go see my friends and doesnt make me feel bad about it, but the fact is that now I DONT HAVE FRIENDS ANYMORE. I have 3 best friends, who i see rarely due to work, maybe 5 other good friends i only ever see on the rare occasions that i go out clubbing. The rest of them have all moved away to bigger cities... The last few times i was able to hang out with them, I couldnt because my boyfriend made me feel so guilty about going i'd end up staying home or having a miserable time when i was out with them and knowing i had an argument to look forward to when we got home. The arguments were always resolved within 10 minutes, it was just the fact that we had to go through it in the first place.

 

So, my housemates there ended up turning into crazy hippies who thought the entire world was out to manipulate them and give them cancer and i got fed up with it all, so at 7 months together i moved into a house with my best friend and our two boyfriends. Things in our relationship got a lot better without the stress of our old housemates, but again, i cant stand how much his happiness is reliant on me. He says he can't sleep when I leave to go visit my parents (still making me feel guilty, but without the arguments), that he misses me, I tell him to go see his friends and he says "id rather just hang out with you." Now our only arguments are about how he makes me feel insecure.. he doesnt MEAN to (well i hope he doesnt!!) but throughout our entire relationship he says these hurtful comments, like after having sex once he asked "have your nipples always looked like that?" to which i replied "what do you mean?" "its just they look different to every other girls i've been with." I used to love it when he sucked on my nipples and now every time he does it I dont enjoy it anymore.. the whole girl-cant-be-thinking-about-anything-to-orgasm thing.

He's pointed out that my hair is frizzy (unlike most other girls), that i have a hairy crack (thanks, i used to shave everywhere else except there because... well, you cant. now i pay to get it all waxed.)

 

The most hurtful one of all though was when he said, as a "joke", that if my boobs were bigger, we'd have so much sex that his * * * * would drop off. Can someone please explain to me, HOW is that meant to be funny?!? I wasn't even aware I had small boobs before that.. they're not huge by any means, sorry i dont have your skank ex-gf's DD * * * * but I thought that despite that guys were just happy to see me without my top on. This was the hugest argument we've ever had, that ended in him crying (actually, most of our arguments where I say i have a problem with him end in him crying). I just left and went to my parents house, where he sent me all these messages, saying how every second he's with me he feels like he's too ugly to be with me and im the best thing that ever happened to him and please come back because he needs me and every second he's without me he feels like * * * * .

 

Am i really THAT great?!?

 

Now the tables are turned, im unemployed for 3 months and he is in a really well paying job. We still do equal shares of everything, but he lends/gives me money whenever I need and will buy me extra things that I need but not really (for example, fake tan lol), and if it wasnt for him I think i'd have to move back to my parents, which i really dont want to do.

And he IS amazing - he cooks me dinner and looks after me when im sick, down to cleaning up my vomit buckets (thats gotta be a sign of the one right there). He'll shout me dinner, cook me dinner, pick me up from work at 11pm, give me massages all the time, never asks for anything in return, and the sex is great. My parents absoloutely love him, my friends love him, his parents love me and coming from a family that consists of 3 people its nice to feel like part of someones family. His mother bought me more things for christmas than my own did!! My little brother looks up to him so much and thinks he's this absoloute hero. Even told him he loved him haha.

 

Things in our relationship are so much better now than they were a few months ago, but it feels like, because of all the things we've been through... the spark has died. I get no enjoyment from kissing him, or having sex with him, and lying next to him just feels like nothing... I dont find him attractive anymore, he's short and slightly chubby and not exactly the most attractive guy i've been with. I dont want to sound shallow there but its true.. I am an extremely attractive girl and have heard more than enough times "how did HE get a girl like HER?!?" which, to be honest, doesnt help. I think I might just be frustrated because I work hard to look good and he doesnt do anything. Sometimes he doesnt even brush his teeth!

 

 

His happiness, hell, even his SLEEP is so reliant on me I cant handle it. If he isnt spooning me, he cant sleep. I on the other hand, sleep ALOT better alone, sprawled out over the bed. ](*,)

 

 

So I feel trapped. I really cant break up with him. I love him, I really do, well I think I do... but theres no spark anymore, I dont find him physically attractive but mentally attractive he's the best there is, except for the fact that I have him completely wrapped around my little finger and could make him do anything I want. Literally - ive even made him consider landscaping for a job! I just dont understand why the spark has gone... There was never a huge one but its just fizzled out to nothing. We spend so much time together its insane, so much so that i have NO enjoyment from doing it anymore, mainly because he doesnt want to see his friends because he'd rather see me, and me because i CANT see them due to their work or distance. I just dont enjoy it anymore, im miserable and depressed so much that for a while i would have tried to kill myself if it hadn't been for my family.

 

The annoying thing is, when im not with him, I miss him.

 

It might just be this town, and my lack of friends. What I really want to do is move down to Melbourne with him, get a really well-paying job and get to see all my old friends, make new ones and get a life back, because I dont have one right now. I think things would be better between us if we done this.

If I break up with him, i'll have to move in with my parents, and then im trapped even worse. There are no jobs availble out there, i wont be working, i'll have no money to do ANYTHING. I cant afford to live in this current town by myself while working, and i definitely cant afford to move without him.

We've spoken about moving and he says he'll follow me where-ever I want to go. I think it will help our relationship.. but im worried that, if we do move, im going to meet someone in the city with whom i DO have that spark, and I wont be able to resist, and all hell is going to break loose.. and that my amazing but non-sparking boyfriend will have moved accross the country with me only to have that happen... If being in a new environment doesnt bring back the love, I dont know what i'll do.

 

Wow. even if no one reads this, writing it all down was very therapeutic.

 

I just really do not. know. what. to. do.

[COtuner]

He sounds like he has dependence problems, maybe passive aggressive. My PA BF did all he could to eventually guilt me into not socializing with anyone I liked, and eventually living my life the way he wanted me to. When I figured out what was happening and rebelled against the subtle manipulation, he left me.

 

You are feeling the spark because you sense that something is wrong, and that your life isn't supposed to be about him and his wants.