Hey, some quick advice would be great!

[HopeArises]

Well, for those who have been following my story, my ex broke it off with me 4.5 weeks ago, because I had grown to insecure (needy, clingy, demanding, controlling, judgmental, critical, etc...).

 

I shocked both her and myself as soon as she broke the news to me. I accepted her decision. I told her I understood how I made her feel. I took responsibility for my actions and gave her space. I didn't push AT ALL. So much so that she has accepted to see me 5 times already ("friend dates").

 

During this time I have been working on myself. I have dropped almost 40 pounds in 2 months (I jog daily now). I see a psychologist once a week and I am doing my best to be a BETTER and STRONGER person. She has taken notice, but is being VERY cautious. She doesn't want me out of her life, but has labeled me as her friend, even though there seems to be more than that when together.

 

At first it was I who had been doing the initiating and she has ALWAYS been open and receptive to it since the breakup. The last couple of weeks and a half she has began to initiate on her own.

 

We saw each other last Sunday and spoke of going ice skating THIS coming Saturday. We spoke briefly on Monday night (casual conversation). She surprised me and initiated a text shortly after midnight last night wishing me a Happy New Year! xoxo. I responded today at lunch wishing her the same (leaving out the xoxo's of course .

 

Okay, so we are now almost 7:00pm on Thursday night. I have been doing well. Giving her a TON of space, even though she hasn't even requested it. I just don't want to push.

 

My question is, if I were to initiate contact now asking her if we are still on for skating on Saturday, do I look NEEDY (not independent). Should I wait for her to get in touch with me and ask me about it, or do I be the man and solidify the plans (she used to love when I took the lead IN the relationship).

 

I don't want to mess this up and yeah, I want her to miss me and wonder why I am not contacting her as much, but I would also like to know about Saturday, without coming accross as needy.

 

What do you guys and girls think? Would you initiate tonight? Would you initiate tomorrow? Saturday morning? Would you wait completely for her to follow up on it? She did initiate a HAPPY NEW YEAR at midnight after all.

[pumpkinmoon]

Hmmm I don't think it will make you look needy if you have given her all this space. Maybe you could text and say something like, "hey just checking if we are still on for Saturday as I have been asked to do something with friends and wanted to see if we're still going.

[waveseer]

I would just text a hi how are you to her and see what happens. Is there any reason for you to be concerned about her cancelling?

[HopeArises]

I would just text a hi how are you to her and see what happens. Is there any reason for you to be concerned about her cancelling?

 

It's not so much the fear of her canceling, as much as it is confirming plans with her for Saturday, which haven't been done yet. Last Sunday we spoke about doing it this Saturday, but it seemed like tentative plans.

 

My concern is not wanting to come accross like pressuring her and seeming not independent. I would ideally like it if she would initiate the contact for this one to ask ME if we're still one like she did the previous week for LAST weekend.

 

That being said, she surprised me and and sent me a text wishing me a happy new year last night shortly after midnight.

[waveseer]

Why don't you wait until tomorrow and then call and ask her what time she'd like to go on Saturday? Maybe she doesn't know whether it's a solid plan either.

[HopeArises]

Why don't you wait until tomorrow and then call and ask her what time she'd like to go on Saturday? Maybe she doesn't know whether it's a solid plan either.

 

Yeah, that's the thing. It hasn't been made into a solid plan, which I would like for it to become. This way I can kick back and not worry if we're on or not.

 

I was thinking of sending her a text tonight instead of calling her tomorrow.

 

Not sure what would have the best effect.

 

I think she was expecting/waiting for me to wish her a Happy New Year and when it didn't come, she wished me one first. I think the same thing applies to to Saturday. Question is, how eager is she to want to see me on Saturday. By her not wanting to have plans solidified, does it show that she's not that interested in going, or is she waiting for me to do it (the man who makes the plans).

[waveseer]

Yeah, that's the thing. It hasn't been made into a solid plan, which I would like for it to become. This way I can kick back and not worry if we're on or not.

 

I was thinking of sending her a text tonight instead of calling her tomorrow.

 

Not sure what would have the best effect.

 

I think she was expecting/waiting for me to wish her a Happy New Year and when it didn't come, she wished me one first. I think the same thing applies to to Saturday. Question is, how eager is she to want to see me on Saturday. By her not wanting to have plans solidified, does it show that she's not that interested in going, or is she waiting for me to do it (the man who makes the plans).

 

You need to find a way to relax independently of what she does or doesn't do, thinks or doesn't think, feels or doesn't feel. Once you find peace of mind these little things won't bother you so much.

[Portage]

I say text her because you need to solidify it or commit to other plans. Nothing wrong with the here and now.

 

All the above sounds positive in my book. I would do this with any friend, never mind possible relationship potential or getting back together mode.

[HopeArises]

You need to find a way to relax independently of what she does or doesn't do, thinks or doesn't think, feels or doesn't feel. Once you find peace of mind these little things won't bother you so much.

 

I hear ya! haha...

 

Trust me, at times I'm cool as a cucumber, but in this case, I REALLY don't want to make the same mistakes as I did in the relationship.

 

It would be so much easier if she were contacting me on it, but alas, she is either waiting/expecting me to do it, or she's not thinking about it (which I highly doubt).

 

Yeah, I'm thinking of sending her a text tonight asking her if tomorrow or Saturday would be better for skating and see what she responds.

 

This way I A. have something to look forward to with her and B. I won't have to think about it until THEN.

[HopeArises]

I say text her because you need to solidify it or commit to other plans. Nothing wrong with the here and now.

 

All the above sounds positive in my book. I would do this with any friend, never mind possible relationship potential or getting back together mode.

 

Yeah and I'd love for her to want to do it with me!!! haha...

 

I'll take the lead on this one I suppose.

[waveseer]

HopeArises, you need to let go of the outcome. She will smell your fear of making a mistake and it will turn her off. Accept that your relationship with her will work out if it's meant to be and no little difference in who contacts whom or when to make contact is going to affect the final outcome. If you don't let go, you will sabotage your relationship.

[HopeArises]

Well, I just sent the text. Telling her I hope she had fun last night and was checking in to see if we're still on for skating on Saturday.

 

The ball's back in her court.

[Pandaman211]

Hmm...this ones tough..It really depends on a lot of things. You gotta ask yourself: will it bother you if she doesn't ask you about it and you guys don't end up hanging out? Do you think she will contact you soon after even if you guys don't hang out? Do you think it will die down if nothing is said? What is your goal, and what will help you accomplish that in this situation? These are all fundamental ?'s you need to ask yourself before making a clear cut decision.

 

Remember, HopeArises, that you haven't displayed any insecurities during your interactions with her, and she has openly noticed the changes your making. So you're not coming off as needy. Why would you come off as needy if you call her upbeat and casually ask her if you guys are still going Saturday? Exactly, you wouldn't. Not coming off as needy is based on presentation. If you sound upbeat, confident, and seemingly like it won't affect you, regardless of what she says, then that has independent written all over it, not needy.

 

I personally, would not initiate tonight, if thats what you decide to do. I would wait until the day before. Yeah thats good about the New Year, but it could've just been a mass text she sent out. Don't look into it that too much, text messages on holidays are too general. I do think its good that she did, but don't put too much merit on it. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask

[HopeArises]

Pandaman, you're the best!

 

You and I are so much alike (analytical types...haha).

 

I actually texted her about 20 minutes ago. Telling her I hope she had fun last night and that I'm out with some friends tonight, but was just checking in to see if we're still on for skating on Saturday?

 

That was it and seeing she didn't respond right away (which she does if she is ALONE), I know she's with people right now (probably family).

 

I'm confident that she'll respond and probably be positive with her response.

 

Thanks for the advice guys and I'll give you an update when I have one.

[Pandaman211]

But I say if you initiate, call, don't text. The more she hears you and talks to you, the more she'll know you truly are not that same guy. Texting, yeah okay, but its not really helping things, and if she does say she can't go, you'll just keep thinking "I wonder if she was being genuine, I wonder why, I wonder if she even wanted to talk" etc. Why put yourself through that when you can just call her up? It makes things that much easier. Texting is too impersonal, and will not benefit you in changing her perception of you.

[Maverick212]

well, i think that you are in a good enough position to text her, and you could even not text. it probably would make little difference as you are becoming the independent guy she clearly wants. As you have already texted her, i'd say let it be, keep calm and trust yourself, like you have told me many times lol. If you have enough confidence and trust in yourself you can pretty much do anything rearding her. women can smell confidence.

 

you're doing great man

[HopeArises]

But I say if you initiate, call, don't text. The more she hears you and talks to you, the more she'll know you truly are not that same guy. Texting, yeah okay, but its not really helping things, and if she does say she can't go, you'll just keep thinking "I wonder if she was being genuine, I wonder why, I wonder if she even wanted to talk" etc. Why put yourself through that when you can just call her up? It makes things that much easier. Texting is too impersonal, and will not benefit you in changing her perception of you.

 

You're right. After tonight (I already sent the text), I won't do anymore texting for awhile.

 

For the most part I ONLY call her and rarely text her POST-BREAKUP.

 

I hear you though and I actually agree with you. My excuse tonight is that I am busy with friends, so a text was easier than a call.

[HopeArises]

well, i think that you are in a good enough position to text her, and you could even not text. it probably would make little difference as you are becoming the independent guy she clearly wants. As you have already texted her, i'd say let it be, keep calm and trust yourself, like you have told me many times lol. If you have enough confidence and trust in yourself you can pretty much do anything rearding her. women can smell confidence.

 

you're doing great man

 

Thanks Maverick! I wasn't feeling that confident tonight and that's why I chose the text and not the phone. Besides, I thought that seeing today is New Years Day that I stand a chance of her being with family/friends and didn't want to put her into an awkward position. With my text, she can get back to me when she is free (less pressure), although it isn't as much a confident move like Pandaman said.

[Pandaman211]

You're right. After tonight (I already sent the text), I won't do anymore texting for awhile.

 

For the most part I ONLY call her and rarely text her POST-BREAKUP.

 

I hear you though and I actually agree with you. My excuse tonight is that I am busy with friends, so a text was easier than a call.

 

Yeah man, its good that since you weren't feeling confident and decided to initiate something today versus tomorrow, you did it through text. I think when shes starts feeling more comfortable with you, texting/calling you more, being more flirty, etc., thats when you open up texting a bit more, b/c I do think at points when we are progressing with women, texting can make her even more attracted to you, whether subconsciously or consciously (you'll say something that she thinks is smooth a couple times-->she will think you're smooth, a lot of women like smooth; insert fun and other attributes for smooth), even though it may sound far fetched, lol. The key is when to integrate it. You'll know when the time is right, don't be in a rush.

[blue_dahlia]

I wouldn't ask her if she still wants to see you; I would just assume that you're still on for Saturday. I suggest contacting her tonight with the time and place to meet or your suggestion for time/place to meet.

 

I remember once my ex (who is now my boyfriend) and I had plans for him to come over to my house. A few hours before he was to arrive he sent me a text that said he was tired. I replied with, "Me too. See you soon!" I didn't give him a choice. If was going to break our date he was going to have to do it.

 

Take the lead; assume you're still on, make the plans. Keep it brief.

[blue_dahlia]

Oops, I now see that you already sent the text. Best of luck

[HopeArises]

Oops, I now see that you already sent the text. Best of luck

 

HAHA.....Yeah, I sent it 2.5 hours ago. She hasn't responded yet, which tells me she was/is either asleep, or is NOT alone.

 

I totally agree with you that I should have ASSUMED that we are STILL on. I shouldn't have given her the option to BAIL.

 

Well, there's nothing I can do about it now, but wait for her to respond, which will probably only come tomorrow anyways at this point.

 

I'll keep you updated.

[HopeArises]

Well, it is now officially after 11:00pm. I sent her the text shortly after 7:00pm.

She never replied.

 

It's things like this that confuse me with her. Is she busy with other people? Is she sleeping? Does she just not want to reply, because she doesn't want to, or because she's playing hard to get?

 

She's probably one of the few people I know who WON'T reply to me if she is out or with people. This became a pattern of hers when we were together. It got me insecure back then (It didn't make me feel too important).

 

Right now I'm going to blow it off. She'll get back to me when she's good and ready to I guess. That's the ONLY way I have to look at it. I cannot and will not make a big deal about it.

 

Good night.

[Maverick212]

women do this, guys to it too, hell i know i wont respond right away to a text message. it is a game playing tactic but we do it to show that we are not too anxious, that we are sitting by the phone waiting for a reply, so we can text back right away. it presents confidence and a way to show that you have other things goin on.

 

My bet is that she got the message, read it, and decided it could wait till tomorrow. or she may call you tom. either way just act cool and collect about it, you have to treat her as if she is a guy friend. thats my best advice. think about you can text a guy friend, and not give a shiiiit if he replies back or not.

[Pandaman211]

women do this, guys to it too, hell i know i wont respond right away to a text message. it is a game playing tactic but we do it to show that we are not too anxious, that we are sitting by the phone waiting for a reply, so we can text back right away. it presents confidence and a way to show that you have other things goin on.

 

My bet is that she got the message, read it, and decided it could wait till tomorrow. or she may call you tom. either way just act cool and collect about it, you have to treat her as if she is a guy friend. thats my best advice. think about you can text a guy friend, and not give a shiiiit if he replies back or not.

 

Haha nice. This is good stuff.