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Why would a "friend" do this?


KG

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A few weeks ago I was X-mas shopping, and stopped at a store where my female friend works. There was an attractive woman behind the counter, no wedding ring.

 

So I called my friend the next day asked about her..." She's married, just doesn't wear her rings."

 

Today I went back to return something, the other gal was there, we get talking....she's been divorced for 2 years. And the 2 of them have worked together for over a year. I'm going to persue this, we had a great time talking, the store was not busy, and she remembered me from my last trip there.

 

But why would my so called "friend" lie to me about this? We have ZERO interest in each other, romantically, have talked about it before.

Any ideas? I feel so betrayed, manipulated, used.

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There's obviously lots more to this picture that's not visible yet. Several possibilities come to mind.

 

1) Perhaps your "friend" fancies you, and your inquiry about her co-worker made her jealous?

 

2) Perhaps the co-worker (the one you like), really is married, and really doesn't wear her rings because she's a) separated b) in an open relationship c) married but interested in some side action

 

3) Perhaps she wishes she WAS married and told your friend that she is

 

Who knows? What does your instinct tell you?

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I asked the woman behind the counter...she was very pleasant and inviting. Nothing matched up with the story my friend told me...nothing!

 

Then why are you so certain that it is your friend who is lying?

 

If you trust your friend, and she works with this woman, maybe there is something she is trying to save you from?

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I guess you'd have to be there. We spent 20 mins talking, laughing. We talked about the running around for X-mas on our own, how hard it is being by oneself, getting gifts, sending them out...etc. She is certainly single. And seems very sane! As I said, she even remembered me from the first time I was there, came right over TO ME, to see if I needed help.

 

This is SO not what my friend told me. And my friend and I don't connect on any level other than frequenting 2 local bars....no relationship material at all.

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Sometimes when you work with someone you learn about what they are like. Perhaps your friend knows some real not so nice stuff about this woman...maybe this woman's marriage ended because she cheated, who knows. Maybe she is trying to protect this woman because she is not sure if you yourself are ready for relationship...maybe this woman got really hurt and she is trying to protect her from getting hurt further. Don't automatically assume your friend has a bad motive. If she is your friend then ask her why she said the woman was married.

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Maybe your friend thought she was still married? Maybe a comment the girl made lead your friend to believe that she was still married.

 

With no wedding ring on? She certainly wasn't shy about being single to me, a stranger. How could my friend not know? This smells of BS.

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Sometimes when you work with someone you learn about what they are like. Perhaps your friend knows some real not so nice stuff about this woman...maybe this woman's marriage ended because she cheated, who knows. Maybe she is trying to protect this woman because she is not sure if you yourself are ready for relationship...maybe this woman got really hurt and she is trying to protect her from getting hurt further. Don't automatically assume your friend has a bad motive. If she is your friend then ask her why she said the woman was married.

 

CAD,

Plan on doing that tomorrow. I might add that my friend sometimes has a " caustic" approach to life.

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maybe your friend just had wrong information? i worked with a guy - he never wore a ring, nor talked about his wife. i didn't find out until 5 months in he was married. some people just don't talk about things, or maybe your friend has old info?

 

in any case - always good to go straight to the source, right?

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You're overthinking this whole thing, and asking the wrong people.

 

Just ask your friend for crying out loud!

 

Say "I talked to such and such and in fact she's NOT married. Why did you say she IS married?"

 

The wrong people? There are 2 people involved...my friend who has worked with woman for over a year. And the woman.

 

Friend says she is married...woman who says she is not!

 

But YES, I plan on clearing this up tomorrow.

 

And BTW, this is the second time my "friend" has screwed up information about someone I asked about. Coincidense? Too much drama for my taste.

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I meant the people HERE are the wrong people. There's no way to know if your friend is wrong or outright lying. You gotta ask HER.

 

Wait, it happened once before?

 

Was she mistaken or messing with you?

 

Maybe she's just dense.

 

Once before she SWORE a woman I asked about was married, and wasn't....she's bitter,doesn't want me to befriend anyone. Twice in a row?????

 

She's a widow also...but likes drama in her life as well. As far as friend, we're not close, just casual.

Is it possible she gets off by screwing up my chances with her co-workers?

She's told me she thinks it's dishonest to date after your S/O has passed away.

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Well there you go.

 

She has issues, she has decided what is "permissable" and what is not, and she's a proven liar in the exact same situation that has occurred once before.

 

Looks like you already HAVE your answer.

 

It's hard to believe she would decieve me this way, when she knows I shop in the store she works in. Like what? I'm not going to question what she has to say? When I went back last, she wasn't even working there...hence the convo with the woman that I'm interested in.

Could she be that shallow? Do people do this to other people, even when they don't want to date them?...Sabotage?

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With no wedding ring on? She certainly wasn't shy about being single to me, a stranger. How could my friend not know? This smells of BS.

 

Exactly. It smells of BS. I guess you'd better find out where the smell is coming from.

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perhaps she isnt the type to help a friend out and matchmake, and maybe she's worried about how things will end if things go sour she may be stuck in the middle.

dont worry though. go for it! and good luck.

 

J&H,

Hadn't thought about that...but why not just say"I'm not doing this!"

Why does there have to be so much BS with trying to find out if someone is single or not? I didn't ask her to hook us up, just some info....

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It's hard to believe she would decieve me this way, when she knows I shop in the store she works in. Like what? I'm not going to question what she has to say? When I went back last, she wasn't even working there...hence the convo with the woman that I'm interested in.

Could she be that shallow? Do people do this to other people, even when they don't want to date them?...Sabotage?

 

KG, I actually think maybe your friend (whether or not there's any romantic potential) is just jealous and possessive of you, and it seems like she will view anyone you are interested as an interloper of sorts...perhaps you ought not consult with her anymore about your romantic interests. Sorry you are having to go through this! Time to draw a boundary line with your widowed friend. Good luck! Please let us know how it all turns out, and what you find out!

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J&H,

Hadn't thought about that...but why not just say"I'm not doing this!"

Why does there have to be so much BS with trying to find out if someone is single or not? I didn't ask her to hook us up, just some info....

 

sometimes it can be akward flat out telling someone "hey please stay away from her" or "i'm not doing this". specially b/c it's really none of her business nor does she have the "authority" to say who you or her friend can and cannot date. let's say she said "i'm not helping". she knows you'd be wondering "why would she say that?" and obviosly she has no good legit answer lol.

 

if you're asking for info, she knows it's most probably b/c you have some interest.

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OK,

I'm doing an "end around"...just communicate with the woman, leave my friend out of this.

IDK why she would be an obstacle, but I'm old enough to go around this drama.

I just never had anyone do this before...took me by surprise!

I always thought friends were friends.

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KG,

It sounds to me like your friend thrives on drama and is the type of person who, when miserable and lonely, wants everyone else around her to be miserable and lonely as well. You know, the whole "misery loves company" bit. I don't think she's trying to be cruel, but it is crappy on her part. I'm sorry. That's a hard thing to deal with!

 

From now on, leave her out of the matchmaking!

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