Bit of a setback here...advice?

[now what71]

I’ll keep this brief but basically I’m in the same boat as a lot of posters on this forum. Wife left me after a few months of fighting, she was involved in an emotional affair with a co-worker which I can only imagine turned physical shortly after I moved out. She hasn’t looked back, very limited contact since then (July 2008) and at this point even with limited contact I don’t imagine we’ll ever be in touch again….a pretty nasty divorce, lots of harsh things said on both sides , and we’re both stubborn as hell so regular contact will be impossible.

 

That said, I broke down and looked at her myspace profile the other day. Yeah I know, probably not a great idea. At any rate, there is a posting on there from her ex-boyfriend. He was borderline stalking her throughout our relationship, to the point where I had her block him from her email and her myspace profile. He was, by her own account, an abusive loser that drank a fifth of rum every night and regularly used cocaine. She had seemed happy to be rid of him, frequently commented that she was sometimes scared she would be out somewhere and he would just pop up out of the blue….seemed genuinely scared of him.

 

So, now that I’m out of her life she apparently gave him access to her profile again and obviously they’ve been in contact…they actually met. Not sure of the details but his posting seemed to be apologetic, as if their meeting hadn’t gone well, but of course he also posted that he loved her and hoped there would be a time when they could meet again.

 

So this has taken me back a few steps in the healing from divorce process……is she just acting out? Doing this to spite me or something? I’m quite confused. Her friends and family despise this guy…he’s been out of her life for 12 years now. Why on earth would she be doing this??

[savignon]

Her motives are irrelevant. Are you out there seeking drug addicts and people who treated you poorly in the past?? That's all you need to worry about.

[crab62]

why would she be doing this? who knows... and that's the attitude you need to take.

 

I would obsess with why my exbf found it okay that his good friend (a male) was unethical in his marriage and hung around with another one of my exbf's friend (female). There seemed to be somewhat of a triangular relationship with them all. However, I considered it be very unhealthy. His friend was lying to his wife, the girl in the picture flirted with this married man openly, flirted with my ex openly... and I sat bewildered that the guy I was dating, and the guy I thought was great... apparently had much different morals and ethics around marriage (and relationships) than I did.

 

Looking back, I was being very codependent... trying to control another's behavior and trying to manipulate his behavior to match mine. When in fact, what I should have done was "walk out" and say "you know... you seem to be kind and great and all that goes with it, but you and I have much different morals and ethics, and this isn't matching what I believe in". Instead I wasted my time trying to figure him out, and trying to change him into seeing his triangular set of friends into what they were... dishonest, disgraceful, and immoral. In the end, he left me for what I believe were those friends. He needed them more than he needed me... and that's okay... cause had he and I married, that last people who would have been at my dinner table would have that set of friends... so it's best that we split.

 

So I think what's best is that you continue to focus on you. I think we want to try to figure out what our loved ones are about, and why they participate in unhealthy behaviors... but there comes a time when it's no only no longer any our concern, and it's more healthy for us to focus on us, not them.

 

Hope that makes sense. There are great books on codependency if you feel like reading them. I now go to a codependent annoymous meeting on Sunday evening's and it's helping me to detach from what I wanted my exbf to be, to realizing who he was. Cause the more we control and focus on them... takes away that precious time to focus and change us... after all, the only person we can change is ourself.

 

Lots of HUGS

[Wolf_22]

now what71:

 

Sorry to hear about your experience. It must be pretty painful.

 

I would encourage you to find a counselor to discuss this with. It sounds very serious (not like a high school issue of sorts, but instead, involving an actual marriage). You will find yourself waging a war against that impulse that pulls you to look at her profiles. During these times, I found that seeing a counselor was one of the few things that truly helped me during these times of post-split simply because having a professional from the outside permits you to evaluate your situation from a non-biased perspective that comes packed with sympathy and direction.

 

A healthy mixture.