Red_flower Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Hey guys, some of you may remember my old thread about the guy i was dating but there wasnt a spark? Anyway, He's still being as sweet as ever, he hasn't done ONE thing to put me off at all, he's nice, caring and i can tell he likes me a lot. Thing is there is a little bit of a language barrier between us as english isnt his first language, which has caused confusion now and again between us, I also find that there are somethings i cant talk about with him because i feel he wont understand. E.g im really into psychology/ spirituality and have a lot 0f abstract ideas and concepts which i LOVE talking about,. but ive tried to talk about these with him and he doesnt seem to get it. HE called me "Strange" the other day lol, because i have a dry sarcastic sense of humour, but he seems to take it seriously when i make little jokes. I feel shallow and guilty for saying this,. BUT i wiil, I put a lot of effort into my physical apperarance, hair, grooming e.tc and personalise my clothes and i have a very individual dress sense.( im looking to go into modelling this year) he always compliments me about the way i dress/look, He on the other hand just "throws" clothes on, which doesnt help the issue that i discussed in the first thread, I mean i really like him, but theres no spark in the physical atteraction department. I KNOW when im atteracted to someone, and im not "feeling" it with him. I set very high standards for myself, maybe im being harsh and judging him by thestandards i set for myself. I dont want to let him down because i know he would be deeply hurt, he told me yesterday that he feels me being hot n cold with him and doesnt know whether or not i like him that much. I felt sooo bad when he said this because i have no intentions of being like that, it just happens because im not sure. things happened in the bedroom department and normally, i wouldve gone for it but i really held back ( we didnt go all the way). He stopped because he said he could feel me being distant. Am i asking for too much by wanting butterflies, and a spark and wanting someone to challenge me a bit? its been a month since we started dating and he's started calling me "his girl" which freaked me out a bit ive dated other guys and i was thrilled when they called me their gf's and we spoke on the phone till stupied o clock in the morning and i got butterflies whe getting ready to go and see them even though we had been together for over 3 months! i dont know lol,. maybe im comparing him to my past bf's. I dont know how to talk to him about it,. we could be good friends but im sure he doesnt want that! He's the sweetest guy ive ever dated,. but there no spark. anyone ever been in this situation? What do you guys honestly think about all this?
DN Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 I think you should let him go and let him find someone who does appreciate him and finds a spark with him. Then you can look for someone else.
savignon Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 ^^^ well said!! Why string this guy along? It's pretty cruel. There's no spark, you don't have open communication, you criticize the way he dresses while at the same time mentioning your model looks. He's being sweet, kind, respectful and backs off when he senses he pushes boundaries....sounds like a great catch for someone who will appreciate him and who is attracted to him....let him find that. You're not being fair. And with all the high standards you set for yourself (your words), you should easily be able to find someone else as well.
nutbrownhare Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Wow! He's nice, caring, no touch of vanity, really into you, making an effort to communicate in his second language AND perceptive about your feelings? I agree with DN - let him go so he can find someone who wants what he's got to give!
Red_flower Posted January 1, 2009 Author Posted January 1, 2009 I didnt mention the "model" thing in a self-inflating way, i mentioned it so you guys got my drift about WHY i have high standards about my grooming. secondly, I feel savignon misinterpreted the "high standards" comment. I do set high standards for myself because im very self critical NOT because i feel like im better than others, i wont be back and forth in my mind about this guy if i didnt like him, He's sweet and caring and i do see all his good qualities and let him know i appreciate them! I wont be posting here and seekign advice if i was "cruel" and deliberately "stringing him along".
Mavh25 Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Awww its a shame cos he sounds lovely and like he's trying but really i don't think you should carry on dating him... I mean he called you his girl and it freaked you out... Nothing wrong with just not "feeling it" you've tried for around a month, and unless you're actually willing to accept the way he dresses and anything else you're not liking, you're best just to end it for both your sakes really, incase he gets in deeper. You don't sound like you think you're a good match.
nutbrownhare Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 I do set high standards for myself because im very self critical NOT because i feel like im better than others, I wonder if this might be part of the problem - because he's not critical of you, either directly or in some other way, it makes you feel like he's 'no good'. Because he isn't a challenge, and you're not having to compete for his attention and love - he isn't worth having. If you're very self-critical, it will probably mean that you're critical of others, but especially those who don't share your (unspoken) view of yourself. All the guys you're comparing him with, unfavourably, are EX boyfriends. This means it didn't work out with these guys; it could be that these are examples of types to be avoided in the future, rather than yearned for. If we don't love ourselves, it is nearly impossible to accept love from someone else. If he really doesn't do it for you, let him go - it's not just a question of him finding someone who wants what he's got to give, but also someone offering you more intimacy than you can handle right now. This is not a value judgment, or saying you're wrong or cruel or anything, but a view of where you're at.
Hurting5050 Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 There is nothing wrong about holding out for butterflies. Even though he sounds like a wonderful guy, if the spark isn't there, it just isn't. I agree with the previous posts -- you should let him go.
savignon Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Red, You said in the beginning of your post and in the middle that you're "not feeling it" so what people are suggesting is that you let him go. There's nothing wrong with having whatever standards you have for yourself and for those you want to date. And there's nothing wrong with you or him if he doesn't make the cut. I think keeping him around after you've decided on more than one occasion that you're not attracted to him and knowing that he's into you isn't in his best interest ...cruel may have been too strong a word, but don't leave the whole site b/c you don't like what one person says. There are thousands of people on here giving all kinds of altering opinions....just hear the other points of view and take what sticks. You know who you are- so when someone misjudges you just ignore them and put more weight on what you think is the better advice. I think mentioning that you could be a model was to emphasize how much better looking you are or how much more care you put into your appearance than this guy who 'throws his clothes on', which is evidence of the incompatibility/lack of attraction that *you* wrote about. I wasn't trying to be condescending whatsoever....I was backing you up! Everyone here so far has backed you up....you're not attracted so move on and let him find someone else. That's in both of your best interests.
catfeeder Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Please don't feel guilty. Not everybody is meant to fall in love with everybody else--that may seem obvious, but there's no sense in beating yourself up just because you don't connect with someone the way you know is possible--and the way you deserve. Love is bigger than chemistry, yet with chemistry we understand that either we've got it, or we don't. Well, same is true of sharing an inner vision with someone--either we've got it, or we don't. All the pretzels in the world won't change that. This is where knowing yourself is important. You have the perfect right to hold out for the right person--not 'any' person. Go there. In your corner.
Red_flower Posted January 1, 2009 Author Posted January 1, 2009 Nutbrownhare, I think you hit a nail on the head there. Ive been thinking about this too. He is different from allthe other guys ive dated, we've ususally rushed into sex or ive always felt like ive had to "change" myself in one way or antoher for them. Its kinds hard to explain what is going on in my life now, but I'll cut it short. In the last one month, ive cut out all the toxic "friends" from my life who took advantage of me for years, changed my job, baiscally just given myself a big overhaul. ive been in an emotionally/(near) physically and verbally abusive friendship for 4 years, i CONSTANTLY had to walk on eggshells,I saw that friend everyday, cut out all other firends, i always felt inadequate, like i had to live up to that friend's standards. Its been the same story in my relationships as well. Ive laways rushed into sex with my ex;s as a way of validating his atteraction to me. ( look for my previous posts if you wanna know more). I was the ugly duckling at home and school, and i got bullied for it, now through a lot ogf hard work, exercise, meditation, journaling e.t.c, im GETTING more comfortable with myself.which would also hint at why im very meticulous about my grooming. (BAck to original topic) Part of me wants to give things a shot because I keep going for emotionally unavailable guys and i want to try things out with a different "type". I'd rather be with a honest down to earth guy (him), than a "cool dude"( my ex's) To be honest im half scared and half surprised at how accepting and how caring he is of me. which is the reason im distant with him because i just dont know how to handle it. ( Im being real honest here). With other guys ive always felt like i had to "work" on myself to be more accepted in their eyes, but when i spend time with him, he says to me," i dont want anything from you, i just want you to feel good when you're with me" So maybe the "physical atteraction" part is just a cover up for my feelings of inadequacy, I do have huge self esteem/confidence problmes, else i wouldn't have stayed in the friendships that i stayed for so many years.
DN Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Part of me wants to give things a shot because I keep going for emotionally unavailable guys and i want to try things out with a different "type". Just remember that he has emotions and feelings too - this isn't just about your issues with past relationships and trying someone who is different. He should not be used as a sort of experiment to find things out about yourself. Because if you allow him to think that this relationship is going well, and to become more and more emotionally attached to you - and then dump him because the experiment didn't work - he will be much more hurt than if you let him go now.
Red_flower Posted January 1, 2009 Author Posted January 1, 2009 Hi DN, i see where you are coming from, But just bear in mind i wont be so torn up about the situation IF i didnt like him or feel something there. I feel like this ive been slightly misunderstood in my OP. yes i feel conflicted about whether or not to end things, and i feel that way because i DO really like him, we've been out dancing, e.tc and done fun things,. The issue here is the "fireworks" which ive felt before with my exes and im not feeling now which is why i mentioned that i was open to trying things out with a differnt "type" i.e_ someone with who things developed more slowly. And its by no means an "experiment". I am willing to let him go, I wont want to hurt him, i do care about him a lot.. im just really torn up about it for some reason.
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