New Year's resol... questions

[LonelyJokko]

First of all, I wish everyone a fantastic year 2009!

 

For those who didn't read my post about 10 days ago, I met a very nice girl at a restaurant (she was my waitress), she gave me her number, I called the same day and we had coffee the following one. I had a really nice time and think she did too. Just as it is, it was worth meeting her, and was a great eye opener for me as I usually have a fairly low self esteem. I really want to see her again and she did ask me to call her when I would come back from vacations.

 

Here I am, thinking (no not stressing!) about when, how, and other whats and whys I should call her, and do with her on our upcoming date. I haven't come up with anything precise yet but I had a question for you all. When we had coffee we did talk quite a bit about cinema (she just graduated from a film school in NY) and especially about Stanley Kubrick, whom she loved, and she told me she had yet to see Barry Lyndon (to those who haven't yet I highly recommend it!).

 

Anyways, since she was on her break from work we had to cut it short and I walked her back to her work place where she told me to call her. She also said something along the lines of "we should watch a movie". I replied yep, that will be Barry Lyndon, and she smiled.

 

Sooo, I sincerely have no idea whether she was serious about the movie, but when I call her do you think I should ask her to watch something or is it not such a good idea for an early date? Like I said I think she had a nice time but when I call her around the 10th (I get back on the 7th) we won't have seen/talked to each other for more than 3 weeks.

 

What are your thoughts about this? Should I come up with something better? I'm not going to lie, I sort of like the movie idea

[savignon]

I like movie dates (or hanging out watching TV dates) to be later on so that I know there's some chemistry that stands alone. Sitting in silence can be a nice way to just get comfortable together I suppose, I just prefer to spend the first few dates "doing something". Why not come up with another idea and offer her both and see what she chooses...that way you'll learn a little about her by her choice AND she will probably love that you were creative enough to come up with a "Choose Your Own Adventure"

[catfeeder]

This is great! Whatever you do is fine; this should be about relaxing not trying to impress.

 

One suggestion I think can help about the diner--don't go there any more as a customer while you're dating unless you've made plans to pick her up from there or something.

 

Rationale--you don't want to become a dependable "old faithful" showing up where she works, it can kill your chemistry. It can make you look stalky and it forces her to deal with you rather than leaving that always voluntary. You don't want to impose that feeling on anyone with whom you want to stoke attraction. Just dine somewhere else, and if she raises it, just say you like trying new places.

 

Otherwise, enjOy--and happy new year!

 

In your corner.

[LonelyJokko]

Thanks, that was really helpful!

 

I am going to try thinking about something fun. As you said it should be about spending a good time, not getting all worked up about it. It is just that I haven't dated in a while and feel a bit anxious I might mess things up. I will probably simply invite her to the restaurant but won't make it too fancy.

 

I thought I knew what girls thought or how they liked to be treated but reading many posts on these forums I have learned I knew nothing about them And being in moderately long relationships before isn't so helpful anymore because everyone is so different. I thought I could just be nice and moderately funny and everything would work with pretty much every girl but I have realized there's so much more that you cannot control that's involved in successful relationships. As a result I lack even more confidence now than before because I'm scared of what I can't control... haha I'm one of those!

 

Sorry this is more a rant than anything else, but any advice for improving confidence before the D day would be appreciated

[catfeeder]

Hah! She won't resist you, you're adorable. It could help your confidence to view this as getting to know her and deciding is she's for you, not just the other way around. Sure, we all want to be liked, but no sense investing in someone who likes us--but who we're not all that sparky about after all. that. effort.

 

Spare yourself some sweat by dropping any goals. Consider that we're probably each meant for someone, and odds are against matching up with that person without first trying to assign that role some wrong people. The wrong person will not own the capacity to view you through the correct lens, no matter how perfect you are. So if someone rejects you, it means they have limited vision about you. Your exes didn't reject 'you'--they never fully knew you on the level that we all deserve. That doesn't make them bad, just not right for you. With chemistry we can understand, either we've got it, or we don't. Well, same is true of sharing an inner vision with someone. All the pretzels in the world won't make that or break it. It'll just be there whether you're on your best behavior, or not.

 

This is where knowing yourself is important. Once you go there, you won't need to 'find' validation, you'll already have it. Your course changes to matching up with the right person--not 'any' person. You'll settle for nobody BUT someone who sees you with the same vision. The one who gets you. Everyone else will be compelled to exit for one reason or another. So fearing an exit is missing the point. It's not about you or them or whatever small stuff prompts an exit--it's about the match. You'll want wrong matches to pass early.

 

Be curious and keep it all experimental--it's not a 'do or die' thing. EnjOy!

 

In your corner.