Sex life? What sex life?

[Akira]

Firstly, Happy New Year everyone. I've been meaning to post this for a while but as usual laziness and apathy kicked in, which ties in with my sex life.

 

I'm a 21 year old virgin with a lovely, lovely boyfriend who's doing the best he can in a sexless relationship. We've been together for over a year and tried to be sexual to begin with, but my tightness and anxiety got in the way. Gradually we just stopped trying with intercourse and only enjoyed oral sex every once and a while.

 

I have recent memories where I've been alone, lubricated my dildo and just awkwardly tried to insert it with little success. I honestly tell myself to "think sexy thoughts" and find myself drawing blanks. My anxiety completely takes over and I don't even know why I bother.

 

I barely touch myself down there because it never feels right, and I tense up whenever my boyfriend touches me there. I can never just relax because I always expect pain. I guess it's worth mentioning that I am a really queasy person - it doesn't take much to disgust me. Sex ed was always too graphic for me and I still can't insert a tampon properly because I freak out.

 

I really just want to tackle this head on and not ignore my potential sex life. I love the idea of being as close as possible with my boyfriend - so is there any way to help a anxious virgin create a healthy sex life? I've seen a sex therapist twice who suggested a 10 minute period each day of just touching myself, but my mind is too busy for that and apathy kicks in so I never do it.

 

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? To add icing on the cake, the thought of curvaceous women never fails to make me wet, and I sometimes dream about being with women with breasts bigger than mine. This isn't to say I'm not attracted to men - I've grown to love my boyfriend's penis, but I'd rather bury my head in a woman's chest than have my boyfriend penetrate me.

 

Ummm...yeah. It's complicated. I want to stop being AFRAID of sex, because I think that is at the core of everything. I'm so, so scared of the pain of intercourse that I retreat into safer territory while my boyfriend, who I love very much, is left out in the cold.

 

Help, please!

[hazelnut]

From what you have stated, it sounds like your not ready yet for sex. If you're not ready, you're not ready. There's no need to rush yourself. When you're ready you'll know. Everything mind and body will synch up.

 

have you spoken to your bf about this? If you haven't spoken with him, he may think it has to do with him. What's your idea of romance? Maybe you could daydream about different ideas and get yourself familiar with your favorite romantic ideas. When you've talked with your bf, maybe introduce the ideas to your guy and together you can slowly explore them in a comfortable setting. If you're still not comfortable with the idea of any of this with your current bf, then you need to take some time apart so you can try to understand why your mind is too busy to connect with your body.

 

At some point it will fall into place.

[franfran]

Hazelnut has great advice, all that and you need to be comfortable with yourself before you can be comfortable with someone else. Work on getting to know your own body first. I know you've tried and you said you can't, but the more you try, I think that eventually something will come of it.

[tmp0620]

As someone who's only (kind of) had sex once. I'd say that you need to lighten up about it.

 

However. You're opinion is what's the most important, and you ought not to be concerned about anyone else's.

 

Sex isn't a big deal, don't make it one, but do what YOU think is right....

 

But use protection if go 'that' route.