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I don't want to be an abuser....


blindreepr

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Something happened tonight, that scared me. In the past I had a history of having a bad temper. I was verbally abusive to my first and second girlfriends and I was physically abusive in the way that I would prevent them from leaving by putting myself in the way of the exit. I also used to have a tendency to throw things, but in all actuality that happened quite rarely.

 

Today my latest girlfriend broke up with me. We were trying to talk things out and things started to get heated. Let me preface this that in this relationship I can say that in the beginning the only abusive thing I did was prevent her from leaving when we would argue, but that didn't last long and I stopped early in the relationship. Later on in the relationship she actually started verbally/emotionally/ and sometimes physically abusing me. I rationalized it by saying that it was what I deserved for being such an * * * * * * * in earlier relationships.

 

So anyways, things got heated. She started forcefully poking me in the chest/punching me. By the time it got to this, I somewhat snapped. I grabbed her forcefully and pushed her into the bed to get her to stop, she was shocked then she kicked me in the chest. She told me she wanted to go, but I wouldn't let her. A few minutes later I let her leave our place and I followed her against her will until I realized what a jerk I was being.

 

It wasn't until I got home that I realized what had happened. I reverted to old behaviors, behaviors I thought I had stopped a long time ago.

 

I feel like such a monster, and I hate that the entire situation happened.

 

I think I need counseling again, to prevent this from ever happening.

 

The fear I saw in her eyes and the distress in her voice will haunt me forever. I hate that I did that to someone that I love so much. Even though she has treated me less than well in the past, no one deserves what I did to her.

 

I hate myself for this and I fear that she will hate me forever as well.

 

She is picking up her stuff tomorrow and moving out for good. I may never see her again.

 

Is there anything I can do to express how sorry I am? I don't want to come accross as if I want her back, I do want to be with her, but I realize that when me and her get together we are like unstable dynomite. I've pushed her to the point of either emotional abusing me or punching me more times than I can count, and now that she pushed me to doing what I did it makes me realize how bad we are for each other. I just want her to know how sorry I am and how much I love her, no matter what we have done to each other.

 

It's a messed up situation but hopefully you guys can offer some advice to help me earn her forgiveness and possibly make me feel like I can eventually forgive myself.

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try and feel comfortable with being a "hypocrite" in the sense that you can say "i know i do this wrong but you do it too and id like both of us to stop". if her own abuse triggers yours then trying to get her to stop is key to getting you to stop. if both of you use productive ways of discussing problems it's less likely to trigger the other person

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Admitting you have a problem is the first step towards solving it, and many abusers don't get close to that. You are admitting your part in any conflict and not blaming it all on her, which is a healthy start. That said, she clearly has issues around this, too, and there's nothing you can do about her. Nor can you guarantee she'll forgive you - some abusers (which she clearly is) do see themselves as helpless and blameless, and the victim of others. If this is true for her, she won't forgive you - but recognise that this is HER stuff, not yours.

 

Firstly, you need to sort of how much of this belongs to you, honestly and without reference to her. That means, looking at your own feelings and your own actions and reactions without thinking 'she pushed me'. This is just a guess, but I suspect that as a youngster you were in an abusive environment and are unconsciously replicating this in the here-and-now.

 

Your observation that as a couple you are like unstable dynamite is a wise one. If you want to break this cycle, it would probably be helpful to stay single for a while, and do some kind of therapy to move beyond this. Or you're likely to repeat this pattern, or variations of it, into all your future relationships. If both you and she are willing, you could consider couples counselling. Otherwise, my advice to you is to take care of yourself, your pain and work through your difficulties with professional help.

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You're right to decide on counseling again. There will be plenty of time for apologies in the future. I'd hold off on trying to apologize right now--things are still too hot. Since she's abusive too, you can't predict how she'll respond. You're likely to get your buttons pressed again the second she doesn't respond they way you hope.

 

Better to adopt patience and suffer being misunderstood for a while than to land in prison. Put a lid on your urgency and seek support from friends and family. You'd be smart to have someone else present when she gathers her belongings, and stay out of her way.

 

Please understand, this isn't some moral finger-wag--I was raised in a hot household, so I was never taught self-control, either. Problem is, when we grow up to believe that yelling and screaming is normal, we find out the hard way that taking this to the outside world is screwing yourself.

 

Hot households blow up then settle down, people vent, freak, get it out, and it's done. That doesn't translate the same on a job, out in public or in relationships with people who were raised to learn self control.

 

It's probably no accident that you selected a GF who rages also. It's almost a default choice because most people won't tolerate aggression, but pairing with a fellow abuser only adds fuel to your fire. You'd be smart to stay out of relationships for a long time, and seek advice from your therapist as to when (and under what conditions) it would be a good idea to resume dating.

 

The consequences to unchecked rage can mean losing everything in a heartbeat. It's not about your GF right now--let her go. Begin working with someone who can teach you how to handle anger in ways that won't blast out sideways when you least expect it and destroy your whole life in the blink of an eye.

 

Whether we're talking about physical reactions or losing an important friend, job or lover when your mouth goes off--you can never take back the damage once its done. Please learn how to prevent it.

 

In your corner.

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There will be plenty of time for apologies in the future. I'd hold off on trying to apologize right now--things are still too hot. Since she's abusive too, you can't predict how she'll respond. You're likely to get your buttons pressed again the second she doesn't respond they way you hope.

 

You're so right about this. She does this thing, where she will put on a tough exterior and just make me feel like complete crap. She won't accept my apology or she'll just make me feel like I'm 100% at fault or she'll pretend like she doesn't care about me at all. Like I'm nothing to her. Then in a weeks time she'll text me and say that she is hurting too and that it isn't easy on her either, and to know that she loves me but can't be with me. This has been the pattern before in our relationship.

 

When she comes to get her stuff today, I don't want to talk to her tough persona, I want to talk to her. Though I really don't know if that's going to happen....

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It's a good thing you are willing to seek help for your problem. I too have the same anger management issues whenever I feel either verbally intimidated or physically threatened. In that instance I do not respond with fear but with extreme rage, I go completely wild and that's when I'm capable of snapping at that person. Like you I have thrown stuff in the past (a dictionary or socks) and there was an occasions I imagine hitting my boyfriend along with telling him to shut up but didn't because he's done nothing to deserve it and had I done it, for sure I would regret it.

 

Anyways if she's the same girl that cheated on you (you did wrote on the infidelity post before) then it's a good thing you guys are broken up. Abuse plus cheating isn't a healthy relationship.

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i think you should show her the thing you wrote on this website. maybe she will really see that you love her.

 

We can't get back together, so I'd rather not. She is moving out, and we will both grow and be better for it. We are toxic together and too similar in the worst ways. As much as I want to be with her for the rest of my life, I don't think that it will make me a better person, and I fear that if we continue to try to be together nothing will change and we will eventually end up hurting each other worse than we already have.

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