Need Advice for a relationship of 3 years.

[themaninfl]

Hello the NotAlone Community,

 

I feel like I am in quite a dilemma and do not know what to do about it. I am here for your advice and hopefully some words that will help me sort this mess out! Ok heres the scoop. My girlfriend and I have been going out for almost 3 years now. We met in high school around the end of junior year. We stuck out it and stayed together because she went away to school (roughly 2 hours away from here). I hate not being with her. We talk almost everyday, despite her busy schedule. She is taking 25 credit hours (and if ya know anything about college, that is quite a lot of classes). I usually go down to see here at the very least, every other weekend. Sometimes every weekend. She got a car from her parents at the start of this semester and hasn't even drove to see me once. Every weekend I go down there I spend my money for gas and also I have been spending all of my money when we go out and do stuff. Her excuse is I have a job and I should be spending the money because I have more. Ok, whatever. I do not mind spending money on her, but I at least would like her to help out. Moving on. We did not start having sex until about a year after our relationship started. I did not want to pressure her into anything she did not want to do. So we waited on perfect timing. We would make love very frequently. When I drove down there last school year, sex would be a common thing and we both enjoyed it very much. Now as our relationship has progressed, I find myself more and more frustrated with the lack of intimacy. She makes up excuses and usually it ends up making me even more frustrated (she seems to string me along and then when I make a move, I get turned down). Oral, the use of hands, anything and everything is either too much of a hassle for her, it doesn't get me off quick enough or it makes her hurt physically. She never initiates sex. It is always me and I almost always get turned down. Lately I have not even wanted to try because I know it will be too much of a hassle and I will just be turned down again because she doesn't want it. We will lay naked in bed at least 2-3 times a week. I will kiss her neck working my way down to her breast and then kiss her stomach all over the place. Making my way to her thighs while i caress them. I will go down on her and I can tell she is turned on because she is dripping wet. Then I start to get her on the way to orgasming and she "fakes" one in a weird way and pushes my head away and tells me to stop. Then thats it. Nothing else, just emptiness and frustration. Then we just lay there. I feel like crap and mostly I just feel used. I do care for her and love her. But I do not want to go through this if I just feel used and not cared for about my needs (or wants, pending how you may label them). Any advice on what to do with my current relationship would be greatly appreciated.

[waveseer]

You need to have an open and honest discussion with her about how you're feeling.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes, I agree, it is time for you to sit down and have a talk with her to find out what is going on. She denies intimacy and also expects you to cater to her and be her entertainment bank account. Time to set boundaries. Find out why she doesn't want to have physical intimacy with you.

[cruzer]

Thats going to be a hard conversation but i would also suggest doing this. Even if this ends it, atleast u tried, u wanted to fix it. if she does not tell u, or does not even try to fix it, then u know she does not care for u like u care for her.

 

I wonder why those in college date, it seems like its always very stressful and lack of time, though im speaking from no experience.

[DN]

Well, you could have the conversation and it may do some good. But if I were in your place I would already have all the evidence I need to end the relationship. You are making all the effort, spending all the money and getting no affection, meaningful sex or reciprocal effort in making the relationship balanced and loving. I doubt a conversation will change anything - at least, it won't change it for the right reasons. If she does make a change it is more likely to be because she doesn't want to lose the benefits she has in having a boyfriend who pays for her all the time. I think you are being used.

[blue69]

Hard to tell you that the relationship should end off this single post. I would 2nd others suggestions of having a discussion with her.

 

I read your post again.

 

We would make love frequently.

Sexual activity was frequent and without negative behaviors before. I am going to assume that other parts of the relationship were going strong during this time. So your observations now are comparing her previous responses to sex to how she is responding now.

 

Never intitiating sex.

Did she used to intiate sex before this?

 

Always turned down.

I usually key on these type of words. Most of the time these absolute terms indicate something else. Does it just feel like you are always turned down? How does she "turn you down"? Turned down from what? Oral sex, hand jobs, intercourse, overall intimacy?

 

she doesnt want it.

This is a key for your discussion. It appears to you she doesn't want "it". thereforee this translates to you, that she doesn't want "you". She used to want it more and now doesn't. A change in behavior. This is an indicator that something else is going on.

 

Lay naked in bed 2-3 times a week.

Sounds like she is still allowing some intimacy but is inconsistent with it. Laying naked in bed is an intimate activity. Kissing, touching, these things are good. How do you two end up naked in bed? What are your expectations? Did you used to express intimacy like this before without intercourse?

 

fakes one in a weird way.

Are you sure she is faking? Or does it appear that way? Obviously you have been intimate before so you have some insight on her orgasms, or do you? You can also discuss this aspect. You know she is physically responding, based on getting wet, but there is an emotional or mental aspect that may be hampering this.

 

tells me to stop.

She tells you to stop all sexual activity? This is a bit disconcerning. I am assuming that no attempt to satisfy you has been done. She is close to an orgasm, instead fakes it, and then tells you to stop. There is some emotional hang up occurring here.

 

I feel used.

The emotional responses you are feeling are normal. I would venture that you are feeling rejected more than used. Not sure how much financial assistance you are providing, but it is possible that she only wants financial support, but her responses to the intimate activities is what concerns me more. She used to enjoy the sexual activities. If she was truly selfish and wanted to maintain the financial gain why give up the intimacy as well. I can't help but feel like she is feeling guilty over something.

 

not cared for about my needs.

The needs are both physical and emotional.

 

Based on what you shared a discussion with your girlfriend needs to occur. It could probably be assumed that your girlfriend is having some conflict within herself over your relationship. The change in behavior and responses to sexual activity. It would appear that guilt is being presented by her behavior. As DN stated she may not want to end the relationship over the financial aspect, but I am not so convinced by that only. It is quite possible she is having doubts about the relationship. She feels guilty and that guilt is having an affect on the sexual activities.

 

A good discussion is in order with her but more about the state of the relationship as a whole. Not just the sexual part. I would prepare yourself for the worst. The signs are not very positive, but it doesn't necessarily mean it is over. You will determine that after your conversations about the relationship.

 

Also you may want to consider removing the financial aspect of this relationship until you know for certain the true status of it.

 

Good luck.