What is happening?

[tm2009]

This post could possibly cover multiple subjects in the relationship forums, so if it is long please bear with me. I could really use the advice right now.

 

To start, let me give a little background info on me and my g/f, or maybe i should say ex now.

 

We were both living by ourselves about a mile apart, and actually met on an adult website. We talked for a few nights on the phone before we actually met in person. The first night we met we slept together. After that she would call me every day and ask if I would like to come over and see her. I did, because I thought it might be the start of something good. And for a long while it was.

 

I think I went back to my own apartment maybe 3 times in 2 months since i was spending all my time with her. I was on my way to moving to another state when out of the blue she asked if I would stay. I felt that things were going well so I agreed. We moved in together after having known each other for 2 months. I do accept that that was pretty quick. But there was something about her that I just found irresistible.

 

She is 40. She had been through 3 marriages and her last husband left her for her daughter. She also suffers from a condition that causes her to pull her hair out, so she is bald on top of her head. She also had a son who was constantly in trouble with the law and was a drug abuser. Those things I had no problem with since I have always been the type of guy to not judge people prematurely. I stood by her when her would seemed at its lowest and she always told me I was an emotional rock for her. I would help her deal with the emotional stresses of some pretty bad things in her life.

 

Now to me. I also had 3 failed marriages and 5 children whom I love dearly and I do help them when they need things. I am 36. I have always tended to rush into relationships, but with her I felt as if she was the one whom I had been looking for. I have never been hung up on looks or how much money someone made. I always looked at the inside of a person. Not to say that I ever had faults, but when I met her, I knew I was too old to be playing relationship games anymore, and really worked at our relationship.

 

I have stood by her as life seemed to throw curve after curve at us. There were times we struggled to pay the bills, or wondered where our next rent check was coming from, even though we both worked hard. I am a bartender, and she works for a man in London, even though she worked from home. There were times when his business wasn't doing so well, and he could barely pay her anything, but she was loyal to him as she had worked with him for 5 years prior and things had been good. I stood by when she needed emotional encouragement to get over what her daughter and ex-husband had done to her. I stood by her side still when her teenage son got worse on drugs and was constantly being arrested. I would go and stand up for him in court when she was sick or out of town on business. Whenever she needed something sent especially prescription meds, I would drop what I was doing and get it done. I stood by her still when she entered a real deep depression and enlisted help from her friends to help me talk to her. There were time when she was afraid to go outside for fear of seeing her daughter.

 

When her son came back home after another round of rehab, she asked me if I was prepared, I said yes. I thought the boy could use a good friend and be able to see someone that actually loved his mother.

 

To finish the starting info, I had been single for a little over a year since that last girl I dated for 4 years cheated on me with her boss, came home, broke up with me and just left.

 

Now during my relationship with my new girl, I had fears about that sort of thing and called her out a few times, but she always insisted nothing was happening even though she would send guy friends nude pics of herself or talk to them like they were more than friends. I only know because I snooped into her email and phone. I know I was in the wrong for snooping to begin with but I wanted to know the truth and not be lied to.

 

We made up and things went smoothly.When we first got together about 2 months in she was sent to London for 3 weeks. I had never dated anyone who traveled for a living. The times were a little stressful in as that we were still new in our relationship. There were time I would want to talk and she was not available. But my problem lay in her not calling when she said she would and she knew she had a free moment. I know I was maybe asking a bit much, but to do things you say are going to do is big with me. We did work out the problem and things went better.

 

A few months, later she got sent to New York by her boss to help start up a new business since that is what she really does is consulting work. Now things had been going smoothly for a few months until one night when she didn't call like she said she would do after the promise that she made. I called a little while after the appointed time to make sure things were alright. She said they were fine, She just had a late dinner. I blew it off until the next time she missed which was only a night or two later, she answered the phone and said that she was with some friends there having drinks at the apartment she was staying at and she HAD to go. Now if it was me I would have said excuse me, I need to make a call. She could have said that I can't really talk the way I want to. I could have accepted that, but when you say you HAVE to go, I could only think of how rude and not understanding how these friends could be.

 

These instances caused her to call me at work one day while she was there and tell me to get on a plane that afternoon to come to New York or else we were done. I went and I got to see for the first time what she actually did for a living. I was able to understand how hectic it could be, but in my mind I also saw that I only got to meet the girl she was staying with while there. I didn't get to meet all these people she told me about. Once again we worked it out, I came home, her a couple days later and things were fine.

 

Her son finally go a court date for all the charges that he was facing, a couple being felonies, and yet through it all I stood by her side. With all her son's stuff, I quit one job before I got fired so I could have a rehire status since I seemed to be taking a lot of time off to help them. My next job I DID get fired for that reason. So I lost 2 jobs trying to be there. Her son is now in juvenile hall and he seems to be on the right track and getting the help he needs. There were also times when she would just up and buy tickets to do things with her friends without asking if maybe we could afford it. Even if we could, she would never ask me if it was something I might like to do. She said to her she always assumed that I would be going.

 

When I started my next job, it seemed like everything was going well. I had a job I loved, a girl I loved even more and life still may have thrown us curves but I knew as long as we stuck together we could always figure things out.

 

About the beginning of October her boss asked her to come to the UK to help his son's business get back on its feet. Things were not as she expected them. She was expected to live in a house with all Israeli girls who would not talk English around her and she had to share a bed with a girl she didn't even know and that her boss was having sexual relations with even though he had a committed g/f. She would call me crying, wanting to come home, willing to risk her job just to be away from the horrible situation. I even went so far as to ask her friends if the was anyway we could pool some money together to get her home to the states. But he boss asked her to come to his and his girlfriend's house and to work on another project. She agreed and it seemed like the trip might not be a total waste. She stayed in London for 2 and a half months this time. We talked whenever she had time or was done for the day, and after New York, I understood the communication times better.

 

While in London, she had to constantly deal with her boss and his g/f constantly fighting with her as the go-between person. She hated it and I told her to try to step away when it started.

She always told me she missed me and could not wait to get home for me to hold her cause of the loneliness she was feeling.

Sorry this seems so long, but here is the meat of the subject.

 

She started talking with a friend she had over there that I only knew by name that she had before she met me. He was getting ready to leave his wife. He has 2 small children that from what she has told me, he absolutely will do anything for including having to fight with his wife to see while they are separated. From what I know, he adores his children and goes to great lengths to be with them. He also

works for her boss's son as a mall cart attendant.

 

They had spent a lot of time together while off work and would go to the pub and have a couple drinks. She was never much of a drinker but as time went on while she was gone, I could tell that she was starting to drink more and more. One night she said they got drunk together and ended up having sex. I didn't find this out til after she got back, but I'll get to that in a moment.

She never told me this happened when she called and always said she loved me and still couldn't wait

to get back home.

 

Her boss had heard a rumor that they had done this and flat out asked her if it was true. She said it did and he said that if she continued to pursue this kind of behavior then she and he would be fired. I can see why. She is his personal assistant so-to-speak and he just a lowly pee-on. It is a family business and that everyone would look at them differently.

 

She finally got home the week of Christmas, and the first night everything seemed great. She was home and I was there to hold her. We did not celebrate Christmas, only had a Christmas dinner.

She seemed distant, and told me it would take a few days to readjust to being back home. I said no problem and was patient. I did not even ask or initiate sex since I knew she needed to readjust. What DID catch my attention was that she was spending an hour or more on the phone with him and longer on the computer using instant message and webcam. She also ran up a cell phone bill in the thousands while there, our phone got shut off and we spent a few hundred getting a new service until we can pay off the old bill. The first person she called was him. So I did what I had not done since the beginning of our relationship and had no reason to til then was once again I snooped into her phone and emails. What I found made me physically ill.

 

They had been telling each other about how much fun and stuff they had while together. And saying pet names to each other and he was telling her how he planned to leave the UK to come live with her. I also saw pictures of them hanging on each other and kissing. I confronted her about it and asked her not to lie to me anymore. She always said that she hated liars and after she had turned 30 would never cheat again since she felt it was not worth the effort to cover up lies. She had cheated in relationships before, but when I met her I had to take her word for it.

 

She told what happened, that they had sex, but immediately regretted it afterwards. I called her a liar and a * * * * * , I was very upset cause i said if she regretted it and didn't want to do that again, why was she hanging on him and making out in pictures?

 

She said she was very confused because she still loved me but fell for him too. She said she felt like things were different when she stepped off the plane here at home.

 

She said we had not really built a solid dating relationship foundation, which I was in agreement with, but she also said she wanted space to figure out some things for herself. At first she wanted to continue to live together and see if we could really start to go out on dates and build a good solid foundation and go from there. I even proposed I move to another room down the hall. I agreed on the condition that she call the guy and say that she could not talk to him for a good long while and I wanted to be there when she did it. She said no, that she would not disrespect him like that, but she would call. Even though she disrespected me by doing these things.

 

Come to find out, she did not call him, that he was still trying to make plans for him and her. On Saturday she went with a girlfriend to see a show and I stayed home to make us dinner. When she got home I asked if she called him, she said she did, but like I said, she had not. Her best g/f's husband told me that he likes her as a person but can't really stand to be around her because he feels that she wants all attention on her no matter what is going on and that he actively avoided coming to our home because of that.

 

She got angry when I asked if she had called him and said that I needed to find a place to go, since living together was not gonna work in her mind. Even though she suggested it while we worked on what we had. She has been most adamant about not just wanting to lose our year and a half of history but wants some space to figure things out. We always had to have her friends over, never got to do too much by ourselves because of that, she would travel for business, we had her son who was getting a lot of our attention, so there were time we never got to put our best foot forward.

 

I lost another job due to the failing economy and went on employment but still aggressively searched for new work. He also told her that she was not my mother and that she should not have to worry about me. And the reason he told her that, was that after I have come to stay with my parents temporarily, I snooped one last time and found that she had told him she felt absolutely horrible about what was happening between us and she was a female dog and worse names she called herself. She went with her best friend and got drunk that same afternoon over these feelings. He told her that I was probably not worth it since she always had him to talk to. And that he was in love with her.

 

Now, my question is....

 

I still love her and she has told me she still loves and cares for me, but is confused. I am willing to work things out, like her, I don't want to throw it all away either.

 

Everyone I have asked an opinion on the subject has said that she is keeping me on the back burner so-to-speak, cause she is not at all confident that her new guy can keep his word. Not to mention the fact she is 40 years old and he is 27. From what I know, he can barely scratch out a living, loves his children dearly, can't pay her back any money that she loaned him and is still married. And they live well over 4000, yes four thousand miles apart.

 

Should I call her boss? I have access to him. She not only is risking her work relationship and reputation, but her boss's reputation as well. I have been told not to do that as it will kill any chance we ever might have of a reconciliation. Cause he will fire them both for their humiliation.

She has kept some things we have together, like our phones and such.

 

Is it possible that I am on the back burner? Is it even possible that someone his age may just be infatuated with her and because of what is happening in his marriage? That maybe it is the feeling of something new and exciting that brought this on?

 

Everyone I have spoken to and they have given advice saying that it most likely won't work, since of his marriage, kids, and money situation. I do know that when I was his age I had said the same things to a girl that I had met here when she was visiting from South Africa. I told her all the same things he is saying but never managed to follow through cause life keeps getting in the way, like trying to make a living, keep the bills paid, support my children and so on. I talked to this girl from South Africa as much as my ex and this new guy do. But after only so much separation, I would put off calling her til the next day or talk to her online after I did such and such. So, the communication and talking and such dropped off til we just lost all contact.

 

Is it possible that this may happen? He is only 27 and likes to go partying a lot, so the money issue is still a big thing. Also like I said, he adores his children and what I have heard he goes through for them, I find it hard to believe he would up and abandon them that way.

 

Is she just looking to see if things either cool down between them while trying to figure us out? We talked this morning and she says that she still loves me but loves him as well and that she is hurting just as much as I am for what she has done to me. Is it possible she may also be experiencing a mid-life crisis? And something new and exciting has her attention?

 

She has told me that there may be a future together, but just not right now. Those kinds of statements as well as still caring and wanting to know how I am doing makes me think this just may be a fling that needs to work itself out of her system, cause I believe and everyone I talk to says the same thing, that in the end, he is going to break her heart. So she may be keeping me in the loop so she knows she has me to fall back on cause she knows that I would want to work things out? Like I said, she is adamant that losing our history is not a good thought. Is it also possible that she really needs to readjust to being home and needs time to sort out her feelings since she feels so confused?

 

I know I will here the opinions of dump and and run. But I feel that maybe somewhere down the line we do have shot. I have told her I was and I still am willing to see a couples counselor. There have been genuine moments of clarity in our relationship that no matter what challenges we faced we could always overcome them as long as we did it together.

 

I am willing to work through it all, do what we need to do, but here all I want is some answers. I know that I may be called a wuss, or crazy, cause she not only lied to me, but broke her own promises to herself about cheating. And that for my part of snooping to begin with, although I saw it as a confirmation of my fears even though I confronted her before about it and patterns of behavior didn't change. But there were time she wanted things about me to change. And it is because of happy times and living, laughing, and loving, that I am pretty much telling this to the whole world. I just want to honest opinions about what might be going through her mind. Sorry this was so long, but I don't think I could have gotten objective answers by only telling what happened at the end without a understanding of our beginning and almost everything in between.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I know it sounds like something out of Jerry Springer. But I would like to hear all answers, whether I just get rid of her to waiting it out for the sake of what we had.

[savignon]

For the sake of what you had? What did you have? A lying, cheating, thrice divorced woman with mental problems and a drug addict kid who sent naked pictures of herself to guys? Consider yourself lucky that you weren't hubby #4 and walk!

I confronted her before about it and patterns of behavior didn't change

The patterns of behavior haven't and are not going to change...that is why she has so many problems in her life.

[FreedomRing]

OK, you are right. Indeed, it does sound like something from Jerry Springer. Clearly, she has alot of issues she needs to sort out. But, so do you for putting up with all of this. There is patience, loyalty, faith, etc, but there is also a thing called Limits. I wonder if you have any limits?? Personal boundaries for yourself? Do you love YOURSELF? Seems you have drowned yourself completely in this woman and her crazed life. You seem to have alot of energy to put into this relationship, even with 5 children of your own?? You glossed over them quickly - I'm wondering if you share the same energy to be apart of their lives?

[HeartGoesOn]

You're not on the back burner, you're way out in "nowhere" land.

 

I'm sorry that you're in this situation, but why would you want to stay with someone like that? Do you think she will change her lifestyle for you? Think again!

 

I would have left long ago!

[tm2009]

Freedom...Yes I do have love for myself. I am sorry I didn't go into detail about my own children. I am a part of my children's lives. None live in the town that I do, but I always make an effort to keep in contact with them. I also try to get to where I can go at least to see a couple times a year, or have them come visit me. It all depends on what their mom can do. We always try to compromise when it comes to visiting the kids. I do pay child support to them and help out with money when I can.

 

As far as my limits go, I do have them, but I also have what some people call the patience of a saint. A friend that i talked to today about this told me it is the Cancer in me. I take care of myself but I tend to spend a lot of energy and time on others. It is my nature. I am by no means selfish, but I always knew when time outs and a few hours for recharging were needed.

 

I do have to agree though, that she may never change, so she might be destined to spend a lot of time alone. We'll see...

[savignon]

It sounds like you're not ready to leave this relationship, which is your choice, but don't confuse patience with a complete lack of self respect.

[FreedomRing]

Yes, Savi, hit the nail on the head...you really need to develop more self respect. Sure she has issues, that much is apparent...but there is no way you can/should be running to her aid, her children, her friends, and her new lover, when you need to fix things going on within YOU first. I would suggest stepping wayyy back from this toxic "relationship"(if that's what you want to call it) and start looking inward for the root of your woes.

[tm2009]

Thanks for the advice Freedom and Savi. I know the relationship was "toxic" now that we have a few days under our belt away from each other. No contact has been established for those days. My main question now is...will her new guy and her really work out? I kinda doubt it after reading some posts through the forum. And..should I have called her boss? I know him and feel bad that she is potentially risking a harmful fallout from keeping it from him after he told her to stop.

I have started to realize there are things I also need to work on in my own life. I understand that there will be time in any relationship where I should just step back and let my partner figure things out on thier own, but that does not mean I could not be there for emotional support. A term I heard is that she may be an "emotional Vampire". So any more thoughts?

[tm2009]

I read some posts today that said that surpisingly, more often than not, exes tend to communicate back after some time and thought about where they really want their relationship to go.

Well, just a little while ago. she called me! I took a lot of advice in just being as nonchalant about our conversation as I could. I asked how her day was. She said it was just ok. She had been down to see her in juvie. Her son may not have been the best, but he did have a great respect for me as a person and what I had gone through to be there for him and his mother. She said he was very disappointed in that we were not together.

She had said that she had wanted to call me over the past couple of days, but knew that I was still stinging from all that happened last week.

She also said that she has not been sleeping well, and that she misses me terribly. It seems like a little bit of weight has been lifted from my heart that she is realizing that she may have really screwed up.

She wanted to call me tomorrow to see if maybe I would come see her. I told her I could make no promises. But if I did go see her, I would have to sit and have some long talks with her before we could even start to talk about getting back together.

I have also thought about some counseling for both of us, as a couple and as individuals so that mistakes from both our pasts can be learned from. Any other tips on how to go about this slowly would be appreciated.

[FreedomRing]

I am not surprised at all that she would come sniffing around your way, now that you have had a little bit of space. I personally, don't think the time apart has been sufficient enough for her to REALLY see what life is like without having you there to treat as a doormat.

 

Of course that affair with the younger man isn't going to work out. Similar scenarios rarely do, moreover, I am a strong believer in karma. The grounds in which she met this new lover is despicable to say the least, so I really doubt anything healthy will come out of that for her.

 

If I were you, I would have dumped her a long time ago. However, I get the sense that you still want to hold on to hope and not completely walk away from her at this time. My advice to you is to follow thru with the individual counseling sessions, and limit yourself to contact only 1x a week(phone/email). DO NOT SEE HER. As you can see, now that you have had some time apart, you are able to think more clearly, and to stand a bit more firmly....trust me, it only gets clearer with more time. It's a difficult journey, but one you definitely should take with her.

 

She gets to use you for her emotional sounding board, and to vent, and gets to sleep with the young stud....what do YOU get out of that??? Leave her be, let her sort her own issues out..she's a big girl. It's time for you to break this pattern.

 

Good luck!

[tm2009]

First, I am bumping this post since I would like some more opinions. They have all been helpful so far.

 

Free...we did not see each other yesterday, I have been respectful to her as far as when she wants to see me. I do not push the issue at all. I am waiting for her to make the first move. We have spoken a couple of time on the phone. But briefly.

 

She told me yesterday that when we did not speak for a couple of days during the week, she was worried about me and had so much wanted to pick up the phone just to hear my voice.

 

She also has told me she is having a lot of difficulty sleeping since I am no longer there. That she misses me stroking her head while she sleeps and she can tell our animals miss me as well. She said they tend to always lay down or look around for me in spots I would sit or lay in.

 

So, I really would like to hear from some more people about my situation and thanks again.

[Santerme]

Not sure what you are looking for really, maybe some kind of validation that you are doing the right thing.

 

Well, it may be that you are, for youself, as long as you can tolerate her behaviour.

 

Some people seem to need to be in a relationship regardless of personal cost....

 

Three marriages already, and then this!!

 

Personally, I would step back, take stock and evaluate whether I needed this relationship, because it will always continue in the same vein, IMHO.

[tm2009]

Thanks for the advice Santerme. What am have really been asking is will her and the new guy really work in anyone's humble opinion?

 

There were things I could tolerate about her behavior, and after we had been together a while some things had changed, such as sending the nude pics. She had stopped.

 

I also know there are things about myself that need to change as well.

 

I also wanted to know if she might be an emotional vampire, since before I met her, her husband left, and she always had her friends over. I remember them telling me once that they were glad I had come into her life to help take some pressure off them. Now that the holidays are over, I have a gut feeling that her friends will have to back away some from her now that they are getting ready to get back into the swing of things with their own families.

 

This will tend to leave her feeling very lonely and isolated when the work week starts.

 

More thoughts?

[tm2009]

She has been calling me every day for the last 3 days, saying that she was calling to see how I was doing. I am trying not to read to much into it.

I asked her why she called, and she said she was concerned and just wanted to know how I was doing. She only calls once a day but I usually also get at least one text as well from her. Any thoughts?

[Sparkie]

tm,

 

What a nightmare! With regards to what you should do, my thoughts are walk away, for all the obvious reasons. But assuming you won't.....

 

Ask yourself what it is your fighting for. To get back to how it was? Do you really want that? A gf who cheats, and disrespects you, and who drives you nuts.

 

Or do you want something different than before? And if so, can she really deliver, based on a long history of being dysfunctional?

 

IMHO it will fail with 27 yr buddy boy. It has to. She is missing your attention now because she knows it as well. She is just checking you haven't gone too far.

 

You're not really at fault here (other than for accepting her poor behaviour) so there's no changes you can really make to make it work. Other than to just accept fully that she will always let you down, cheat, and generally disrespect you, so let it go and just accept that. Then you will have peace. Otherwise it has to come from her.

 

FWIW, I'd walk. You deserve better

[tm2009]

It has been a few days, so I will update what has been happening. We went NC last week because her new boy toy flew over here to visit her. We talked on the phone for half an hour that day and I asked her questions about our relationship. I told her I wanted honest answers. She said the same bs lines about I love you but not in love. She also said that she needed to figure if this was just an infatuation on their part. This started before we even broke up, so I have a feeling it is one of those rebound relationships that is bound to fail.

I have started seeing a therapist for my own problems in relationships such as trust, impulse control (when I snoop through her private things) and communication as a foundation. My therapist also told me she seems to have borderline/histrionic personality disorder from what I told him about how she acts. Cause even while she was doing this with this guy while we were together, she constantly accused me of it. My therapist said that she was projecting her own lies on me as a defense mechanism. He also stated that as she says that she is never any good for anyone and that every relationship she ever had she always wanted to try to get back together or try to be friends, (not one has accepted) that it becomes a cycle of self-fulfilling prophecy. Any thoughts?

As to myself, I am trying very hard to take it one day at a time. I have a new job, and when she found that out, seemed very excited. A friend said that she was only excited cause if she needs help then she can call me.

I am also going today to see about getting into college and learning a new job skill. I have no desire to bartend forever. I am 35 and the thought of going to college for the first time scares me a little. But I am doing it to improve my life and better myself.

[tm2009]

After 2 months of unemployment I am starting a new job tonight! Woohoo! I also have filled out my applications for college and got it sent off. I got the call about the new job last night. I figure it would be a good position since I hope to be able to take classes during the day to learn something else.

As to the ex...we have not had contact for about 10 days now, and it seems to be getting easier, and I can see the problems she has caused me....