boopers96 Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 Ok, I know what you are thinking, it was because it was bad, but that is not the case trust me. I met this guy on e-harmony two months ago, we communicated by email and phone for a month, then went on three dates and talked on the phone throughout the following month. We had soooo much in common and really had fun talking right from the first phone conversation. It seemed like this could really be something special. I was really flattered because of how attentive and interested in my whole life this guy was. I've been looking for a relationship for a couple years now but I live in NYC and the dating scene here is VERY difficult for women. He was definitely coming after me with full force though. He texted, called and complimented me so often I was actually kind of hoping he wasn't going to try to move to fast. I wanted to wait atleast another month to have sex to make sure we knew eachother really well and had built a friendship first. However after one month/3 dates, he asked if he could spend the night. We had had such a great time that night, went to an artistic film event, a cabaret club, and went dancing... so i said ok but that he'd have to sleep on the couch. He insisted if he slept in the bed we would just cuddle. Well, that didn't happen, not when two people really like eachother, have been dating for a little while and had a very fun romantic night. Both people need to be into waiting and I fought my best and lost!! We fell asleep entertwined and when we woke up we were still that way. He told me its hard for him to sleep all tangled up like that for him but for some reason not with me. We did it twice more, hung out in my apartment a little, laughed, he asked about photos and things up on the wall for a while. Then I walked him to the train. We held hands, and kissed goodbye. I wished him merry xmas since I was going away in a couple days and would be gone for a week over xmas. He said that no no, we would talk before then. Later that day he sent me a text thanking me again for the wonderful night. Thats where the nice stuff ends... I sent him a text from the airport to tell him how aweful it was ending up (i was in there for two days trying to get home!), it was funny but he didn't respond until 5 hours later at midnight and he said "I'm sorry about your flying troubles, I hope it works out as best as possible". Very cold, not friendly or fun at all???!!! Then christmas day came, remember her told me we'd talk before then, he never called... So i sent him a text that said merry xmas. Same thing, 4 hours later "merry christmas". That has been the only communication since the sex... its been 10 days. I wouldn't be that worried except we had tentative NYE plans and he never called to confirm or back out of our plans. He's just done, over it... I feel so used and confused... lied to. Its like I'm 19 or something and just got tricked, I didn't know men still decieved women like that, not in your early 30's. What happened, I don't get it???? Link to comment
DaBladeRoden Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 I've determined that the holidays are generally a lousy time to attempt to start a relationship Link to comment
Aviatormy Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 I've determined that the holidays are generally a lousy time to attempt to start a relationship High 5!!! Relationships that start off on a holiday usually don't work. People are vulnerable around the holidays and its usually just a fling to fill in the gap of being lonely. Link to comment
servedcold Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 So sorry this happened to you, sounds like you did get taken advantage of. There are still men out there who use double standards in dating, and if you sleep with one of these "too quickly," they will judge you for it, totally unfairly, even though he likely pulled out all the stops to seduce you and get you in bed. All men met on the net are not like this, best wishes finding better treatment. This guy is a real ass, also, for spoiling your NYE. Link to comment
shygal2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 WOW!!! That's a shame and completely his loss!!!! I don't see where you could have known or did things any differently. You haven't heard from him at all since the last text??? Hmmmmmmm...any chance he had a girlfriend on the side? Link to comment
lady00 Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 Some people come on super strong, but then fade fast. Maybe that was a red flag that you can look out for from now on. Link to comment
DaBladeRoden Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 High 5!!! Relationships that start off on a holiday usually don't work. People are vulnerable around the holidays and its usually just a fling to fill in the gap of being lonely. Either that or they're so busy or unavailable it kind of falls apart easily right away, whereareas a relationship that had time to stabilize earlier in the year has a better chance of lasting through it. Link to comment
hazelnut Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 I agree. It's totally his loss! But don't let it ruin your NYE. He made it painfully clear he's not worth your time. But you know what??? Tomorrow's a new day! AND a new year! Just imagine about what lies ahead!!! \\ Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 If you only had three dates in one month, then chances are he was still dating other women. The only problem here is that when you slept with him, you thought that meant you were having an exclusive relationship. HE took it as just another activity for the evening. You have to know that men view sex differently than women. Next time, establish boundaries and have the exclusivity talk BEFORE having sex. Then you won't be bummed if they walk... Link to comment
boopers96 Posted January 1, 2009 Author Share Posted January 1, 2009 I appreciate the logic but I'm pretty sure chemistry over rules calendar, if you are really interested in someone you will communicate how busy your are to assure them its that and not what this appears to be... Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 This is the chance you take when you sleep with someone before establishing a committed relationship. He was coming on awfully strong and had a lot of player moves and lines. He was pushing sleeping together with you but didn't even talk about a committed relationship. He basically seduced you to the bed...the red flags were screaming the minute you said couch and he started convincing you to let him sleep in bed. Take this as a lesson learned. The guy is a jerk and not worth your thoughts. Did you use protection when you had sex with him? Link to comment
hazelnut Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 I appreciate the logic but I'm pretty sure chemistry over rules calendar, if you are really interested in someone you will communicate how busy your are to assure them its that and not what this appears to be... Exactly, you hit the nail on the head. This crum bum is now a part of the past. Leave yourself open to someone new who is worth your time. Link to comment
servedcold Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 You have to know that men view sex differently than women. Next time, establish boundaries and have the exclusivity talk BEFORE having sex. Then you won't be bummed if they walk... Great advice, but I wouldn't chalk this up to different sex views of men and women entirely, as it lets him off too easily. This guy lied to OP by stating that there would be a future, that he would call, that they would go out on NYE, an important date night, and IMO that's where he becomes a real tool. Link to comment
boopers96 Posted January 1, 2009 Author Share Posted January 1, 2009 I usually have really good play-dar, i guess its out of tune in this case. Man he was good at it then!!! Link to comment
boopers96 Posted January 1, 2009 Author Share Posted January 1, 2009 Actually I agree with you servedcold. We also had a conversation directly after on the way to the train in which we discussed not letting this make things weird, he's a lier not because I don't have a tape recording of him saying he'd commit but because actions speak louder than words and all his actions indicated he wanted a future not based on sex with me. Argg, this is very hard to swallow, fighting off bitterness in my early thirties... Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 We also had a conversation directly after on the way to the train in which we discussed not letting this make things weird Why would you have that conversation? That was your first clue that he was going to go MIA. If he was interested in being a couple, then nothing would have been "weird". And him setting up future dates speak NOTHING of him wanting an exclusive, commited relationship with you. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 Sorry that happened to you, but, the lesson learned here is that no matter what is said, 3 dates is not enough time to establish a committed relationship. Not to sound harsh, but you can't put the entire blame on him, as you also agreed to it. Just my opinion... Link to comment
laisla Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 Actually I agree with you servedcold. We also had a conversation directly after on the way to the train in which we discussed not letting this make things weird, he's a lier not because I don't have a tape recording of him saying he'd commit but because actions speak louder than words and all his actions indicated he wanted a future not based on sex with me. Argg, this is very hard to swallow, fighting off bitterness in my early thirties... maybe something happened and he is the type to close himself off to the world for a while. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 Agree with COD other than I don't think he's a jerk. It's one of those times when words are more important than actions and if he doesn't agree to be exclusive, you are not, whether he sleeps with you entwined, hanging from the ceiling holding hands with you, whatever, etc. I don't think anyone was used or played. I am sorry it didn't work out and that you are disappointed but it does sound like you had a really good time on the three dates. Link to comment
servedcold Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 The dude lied to her and has left her high and dry on the biggest party night of the year. How is this not uber-tooldom? OP, how tentative/firm were the NYE plans? If he asked you out specifically for NYE, whether the actual plans were nailed down doesn't affect his tooldom IMO. My college had a nationally known blowout party weekend every year. Those less scrupulous would sleep with as many women as possible by dangling the prospect of an invite for months before the party. Were the women gullible? yes, somewhat. Does that make it right? No. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 Well, I think no matter how you slice it - that sucks. :sad: You do take that risk when you sleep with someone so early on to knowing them, but he does not sound like a man worth more head space now anyways. Good to have got away now that you did. We'll just sleep in bed together and cuddle? C'mon! Is it just me, or is that really really lame? I think that would have been a good time to have kicked him to the curb, the big clue that came before he dropped off. But hindsight is 20-20 right. Not trying to give you a hard time about your choices. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 They never made actual plans for NYE and they only went out three times - and he never called her to confirm plans so she had plenty of time to make other plans. The fact that she agreed to have intercourse with him doesn't obligate him to ask her out for NYE. Link to comment
grymoire Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 I am really really sorry to hear this.... guys like this give bad name to the rest of us... I am confused about one thing though - was there ever a talk about being exclusive? it was just 3 dates.. would you call this guy as your boyfriend? and finally are you sure he has disappeared or you feel that way because of his text messages? Link to comment
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