Why does my 33 yr old fiance think he is a princess???

[stephie26]

Alright.. tell me what you think of this....

 

My fiance is a 33 year old man and he acts like a complete princess at home... A lot of times he says comments in a laughing manner but it's one of those "I'm actually serious" kind of jokes..

 

At home my fiance will make comments like "you should rub my feet".. or "you should give your baby a massage".. "you should make your baby ____ to eat"..

 

He will even make comments about me needing to do laundry, or dishes, or do something around the house..

He acts like a total princess like it is my job to cater to him... It is so annoying and I don't know why but he seems to be getting worse & worse!

 

He is currently laid-off, so he is home all the time and I work 10 hour days so I am tired when I get home.. the last thing I need to hear is him asking me to give him a massage.

 

We have been dating 2 years now and I have never acted like his personal slave, so I don't understand why he keeps asking and asking for special attention???

 

What can I do or say to make him stop this? It's annoying as hell, and when I'm tired I snap back rudely as I can't even believe he's asking for all these things.

Even when it comes to sex.. He will complain if he doesn't get it when he wants it.. even if we have sex 3-4 times a week.. He actually woke me up last night in the middle of the night around 4:30am whining that he was horny and I was half awake and he laid my hand on top of his penis, as if I'm supposed to give him some "play"? I had to be up at 6 am!!

 

He is a very joking around kind of guy, but alot of his behaviours I don't consider joking if I actually said YES to these things he would glady accept it!!!

 

I'm getting VERY annoyed with his behaviour and it's really turning me off imagining the rest of my future with him...

[SapphireNoir10]

Wow I suggest you sit down with him and have a serious talk with him about his attitude towards you.

 

He is not a princess. In a relationship you should be as equal as possible and he should put as much effort as you do into the relationship and work load of day to day life.

 

Perhaps you should seek relationship counselling>?

 

chances are his princess attitude will only get worse if you marry him.

[Lionel Hutz]

Tell him its not funny. You can say that and he should not be offended. You may have to tell him more than once. Then he may realise, "damn im hurting her feelings." On a side note, how rude! Pssssh Diva mode, thats kinda....... fem?

[DN]

If you are doing all these things he is asking for then he is acting like a princess because you are treating him like one.

[Aviatormy]

I strongly suggest that you buy him a book called "No more Mr Nice Guy" by Robert A. Glover. It will teach him how to be a man. If he actually takes to it he will start helping around the house more, pay more attention to your needs and in turn your relationship will sky rocket.

 

This book has helped me get what I want out of love, life, jobs and relationships. Great Book!

 

Good luck!

 

Oh yeah, I agree with the above statement. I think that since he is home all day while you are pulling 10 hours shifts, he should be pulling at least a 2 hour shift by cleaning the house, doing the laundry and having dinner prepared for you when you get off work. I am sure if he did those things for you, you would reward him with all the love he can handle. I have found that this is the way relationships are supposed to be. Make an equal effort around the house if you want an equal effort in the sack! lol.

[stephie26]

DN- No I never do this stuff for him, not in 2 years!! So his increasing demands are very weird.. He's always asked but since he's laid off he has become MORE demanding and annoying..

 

 

ForSakenLove- Honestly, his father and him are NIGHT & DAY...... His father treats his mom like a QUEEN.. He is the most gentle kind man ever.. He is so sweet to her always asking if she needs help with anything and always affectionate and sweet even after 30+ years of marriage.

My fiance is a pretty good man to me, but his neediness and narcissistic attitude is a major turn off... It may be because he is an only child, he is used to his mom & dad treating him like a little prince!

 

Aviatormy- I highly doubt he would take the time to read ANY book, let alone a book I give to him.. lol.. But I will take a look at it, and maybe verbally read him some pointers.. Cause he definitely needs them.

And you're 100 percent right, I would be far more GIVING to him if he was giving to me.. He is laid off, like I mentioned and he has vaccumed and tidied up once and he told me like he deserved an award for it !

[Hope75]

Is he actively looking for a job?

 

Why isn't he cleaning and cooking and doing your wash while you are supporting him?

[stephie26]

No one is supporting anyone financially so that's not a problem.. He is "temporarily" laid off.. so he is just waiting around for the call-back.. However, he is doing a snow removal side business right now.. so we are ok for money. I don't make enough money to support him anyway.. My income covers all my bills and my contributions towards utilities/groceries/etc.

 

I don't even care if he does much house cleaning, or has dinner ready or anything.. Neither of us are cooks really.. we eat out alot lol..

 

I just don't like his demands & "do stuff" for me attitude... I'm getting very annoyed.. and my responses are not working!

[HeartGoesOn]

I would certainly address these issues before the wedding!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Was he a momma's boy who had a mother who did things for him all the time and spoiled him?

 

i think he is probably a bit bored being laid off, and is using you for attention and stimulation. but he's a grown man and needs to learn how to entertain himself and that it's not 'mommy's' job to constantly stroke him and make him feel better.

 

i'd sit him down and tell him that this is annoying you, and that you don't want to be his mommy, but a partner. give him specific examples about what is irritating you, and tell him why and that you want it to stop. If he pouts or refuses, then you know he's really looking for a new mommy figure rather than a partner.

[zestygirl]

I have had these issues too. I found being consistent worked. If he asks you for a massage when YOU get home from work, he might be looking for a chuckle. But, if you actually say: "I just worked ten hours, prince charming. Maybe it's YOU who should be giving ME a massage". and mean it, after a few more "funny" comments, he'll stop. Or, if he's actually being serious and trying to steer you into some new "slave" role, he'll get angry and probably act out in other ways. Either way, you'll know what you're dealing with. Is it an inappropriate sense of humor - or is he a jerk who is finally just revealing his true nature?

[stephie26]

I think BeStrongBeHappy & Zesty girl are probably close.. a bit of both... He's laid off, so he's probably bored and is looking for attention and stimulation from me... He has been laid off twice in 2 years and I have noticed him WORSE when he's laid off. And Zesty, may be right as he sort of has a chip on his shoulder these days and acts a bit like a jerk.

 

See, the problem I think on the whole, is that we have been engaged just over 2 years now and we have no wedding date set.

We are currently in couples counselling (my idea) as we have had WAY too many arguments in the past 2 years and I was not comfortable moving forward until we resolve some things.

 

One of our biggest issues is that we live in my fiance's house but he feels I don't contribute enough, or constantly makes comments that "I have it good" or "I'm getting a free ride". He owned it before me, and was pretty self sufficient.. He rents his basement out (owns a duplex) and we live in the top half. He brings in $850/month from the basement. He owns 3 cars and all are paid for (05 Cadillac STS, 05 Jimmy Truck, 02 Sunfire).. He used to buy & sell cars on the side and eventually he kept selling and trading up that he now is car payment free.

When he wasn't laid off he made about $2800/month take home after taxes.

Now he is collecting E.I so it has dropped a bit, I'm not exactly sure how much. He is also doing some snow removal right now for extra money on the side, while laid off.

 

I myself take home $1900/month after taxes.. My bills are my car payment $250/month, car insurance $180/month, Cell $70/month, Gym $50/month, 407 (toll highway route) $30/month. Plus I pay $200/month towards utilities and we split groceries pretty 50/50 and since he got laid off I offerred to pay for the majority of groceries to help out. After all my bills + gas and groceries and whatever (female stuff, hygiene products etc.) I am pretty tapped out financially..... I live paycheck to paycheck and just get by... I don't have any money saved up and nothing in the bank each week.

 

I don't understand how my fiance thinks I am "getting a free ride" or thinks that I don't "have it so bad".... I am pretty self sufficient and it really hurts when he says I don't contribute enough. He always complains that we don't act like an engaged couple and we are not a "team"... He thinks we should be jointing everything and making purchases together for the house... etc..

 

Even if we did joint all our money, I don't have EXTRA money to buy furniture or god knows what he wants "us" to buy...

 

All I said to him that I wanted for us, and for us to be happy is stop the "you have it good" or the negative talk and to stop complaining when I buy a shirt at the mall, or get my hair done once every 4-5months...

This Christmas was really tight for me, and I buy for a total of 6 people in my family not including him.. He only has 2 people to buy for! So my fiance will occasionally lend me a little bit of money that we put on "the board" we call it in the kitchen that we write what money I owe.

He complains when I am on the board right now, saying that "he doesn't have the money" and what not...

 

I know times can be rough, but he is making things way worse by making me feel bad about things that aren't my control... I have already been looking for a new job and a career boost so that I can bring home more money.. He also thinks he wants me to sign a pre-nup for his house because he says I contribute nothing to it and doesn't think it is fair that I would be entitled to half of it if we ever broke up.

 

What am I supposed to do here? Should we go to a lawyer ? Our counsellor knows most of this, but doesn't seem to offer much advice where finances are concerned..

[BeStrongBeHappy]

He sounds immature, if he's not doing the math enough to understand that you aren't rolling in money.

 

I wouldn't marry him with these troubles. He sounds too high maintenance, plus he wants to make sure everything is to his financial advantage. Sometimes you get a partner who wants to spend freely on things they think are important, but whenever you buy even the smallest thing, they complain.

 

Re: the house, if you marry, and are splitting finances, then from the moment you marry, your half is helping pay the mortgage, or pay expenses while the house is appreciating. It might be fair to say that he gets to keep the equity now in the house, but you get half of everything it appreciates from the time you marry. So you would get an appraisal now, write the amount of equity he has in it now into the pre-nup papers, then if you divorce, you sell the house and get half of anything over that amount realized in the sale. There woudl also have to be verbage in the pre-nup that says he is required to sell (i.e., he can't refuse to sell if only his name is on the deed), and he needs to transfer the deed into your name as well.

 

For example, say his mortgage is now $150K, and the house is appraised at $200K. So he gets a $50K 'credit' in the prenup. If the house is worth $300K at divorce, he would get his $50K back, plus half of the other $100K it appreciated. But you would still get $50K under this scenario, for what you had contributed into the marriage and house while married.

 

But honestly i would think long and hard before marrying him if he has a history of unemployment and other problems, until you are confident the marriage will last. He seems to have a bad case of 'What's mine is mine, and what yours is mine, but what's mine isn't yours.' That's a sign of a selfish person, and certainly not someone you want to partner with.

 

He could easily sell one of those 3 cars to pay for internet or anything else rather than getting miserly with you.

[FreedomRing]

Spot on BSBH! My sentiments exactly.....

 

OP, he sounds like a jerk, tbh. I definitely would not want to enter a marriage with a man that is scrutinizing down to the penny, my "contributions" to the house or relationship or whatever. He seems very controlling. What are the good things about him that made you say yes to a marriage proposal?

[stephie26]

Thanks for the posts guys..

 

Honestly, my fiance is very different from who he was when we got engaged. We have been together just over two years, and we got engaged around 6 months in... He was making a lot of money then, so obviously he was more giving and things were not as stressful.

I also only worked part-time and didn't contribute anything! I was making like $8 an hour.. But a year later I got a pretty good job and definitely became more financially independent and take care of myself. You would think my fiance would commend me for all this, not use it against me and say I'm selfish and not a team player. He used to cover everything when we met.. I didn't have a pot to piss in.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Be very careful with this then. If he's been unemployed several times since you met him, and after you got a good job so pick up half the domestic expenses, is there any chance that his PREFERRED state is less work, and in future if you marry him and get a good job, he will quit working altogether?

 

Sometimes when people drive their partner to make more money, it is because they themselves want the pressure off them having to work (or work so much).

 

Don't end up with an albatross around your neck with you footing all the bills and him with yet another excuse for losing his latest job.

[stephie26]

Well we've been together just over 2 years and he's been laid off twice. One of his jobs was factory work and physically demanding so he went off on S&A alot and got paid to be at home.

He doesn't like to work.. lol that's very obvious.

However, he likes making money on his own. In two years he also buys & sells cars and now he is starting a snow removal side business.. He sort of wants to stay laid off because he wants to start this business doing snow removal in the winter and lawn maintenance in the summer.

He is really good at making money out of working lol... Not sure if that is a good thing or not. But he does like the steady income of working a full-time job.. At this point he has said he will take a job if he gets called back, but he wants to start his own business and see how it goes.

So I can't really look down on that... I guess.

But he has made comments about his mortgage being almost paid off completely by now.. He has about 8 years left to pay his mortgage off and he's only 33. He has made comments before that if we were married he wouldn't mind me working and paying off the rest of the mortgage *WOW eh*.... I mean, not a bad idea in theory, but god that's a selfish thing to say as a MAN.

[stephie26]

Also, I wanted to add that my birthday is coming up in February and I NEVER ask him for anything.. Usually at Xmas or special events he will ask if I would like something, and I always reply "nah.. I have everything I need".. I would rather him just go pick up something small that he thought of on his own, or surprise me with roses or take us somewhere.

So because my bday is coming up, the only thing I have been wanting for AGES is a piece of silver jewellery from Tiffany's. I'm sure most of you know, Tiffanys is VERY expensive but they do have some cute charm bracelets and necklaces in sterling silver that ranges in price from $250-500. I saw a necklace I have been looking for on ebay or somewhere cheaper but can't find it. The necklace is about $350.

I just want a silver necklace to wear with my silver bracelet and watch I love wearing, but I don't have a silver piece to wear around my neck to match and I'm a total jewellery girl. This is the only item in 2+ years that I have EVER commented that I would love to have as a gift.

My fiance got snappy and said "Forget it, I am laid-off!"

But the worst part is that my fiance has $10,000 sitting at his dad's house just for safe keeping that he doesn't want to touch.. He put money away months ago when he knew he was getting laid off.. which is fine I understand. However, my fiance just 2 days ago bought another truck with a snow plow on it and spent $2800.00. Not bad for a laid off guy huh?

He has been starting the snow removal business like I mentioned, and he has a really expensive snow blower his parents bought him for Xmas. But he wants to do larger parking lots too, so he wanted this snow plow for the front of a truck. But he also already has a truck, but now he has 2 plus a snow plow and a snow blower.

OK no problem.. But it hurts a little bit when he can just spend money like that and justify it saying "well this plow is going to make me more money!" ..

And that's what sparked the whole "you dont have it so bad" talk.. and me feeling upset because I have never asked him for anything in 2 years and at Xmas I never ask for anything.

I realize I may be asking for too much for a birthday gift, but I just don't like knowing he has 10K at his dad's house and just spent $2800 on himself but acts like buying me a birthday present is ubsurd.. He always comments that he has no money and is broke. But in the last 3-4 months he has bought a brand new laptop, a 50 inch big screen tv for the bedroom, he bought a new bedroom set & leather couch for the living room (cost $5000 total) and I'm sure I am forgetting more. He buys BIG ticket items all the time.... Our house has everything from the best laptops, tv's, leather couch and don't even get me started on his cars. Like I mentioned he has 4 cars right now... A 2005 Cadillac STS with leather, navigation, 20" chrome rims... he also has an 05 Jimmy Truck, an 02 Sunfire and now just bought a 1995 Jimmy truck with the snow plow on it. I drive a 2005 Pontiac Sunfire that I bought myself for $7000, that I have car payments on.

My fiance has no car payments, all his cars are paid for.

He just paid off his furniture and tv items, so he debt free. Again, not bad for a laid off guy? lol...

It is just really hard living with someone (who wants us to be a team) and wants us to be married, but he spends money on everything and says it's okay because it's for "our house".. He has a real problem with me spending even $20 on something for myself.

 

I don't want to sound like I expect everything, because I don't... I guess I am just upset because he always makes me feel so bad that we are broke and not a team and that I don't buy furniture with him, that he buys everything.. When he knows my income and that I live paycheck to paycheck. I feel like if we got married he would control all my finances so that I REALLY can't even afford to buy myself anything... not even a sweater.

[Shyguy24]

Why not talk to him , that his behavior would be really amusing if he was a 10 yr toddler and you were his mom.

 

Seriously though i would tell him that i am dumping your ass if keep acting like a kid. This is very immature behaviour, i am sure this has got him fired from his job as well.

 

He may have issues , but you deal with them like an adult and not like a immature teenager.Hey i read the whole post.

 

This guy reminds me of a ex-friend , who was a selfish , jealous guy to the bone. I am sorry to say this but this guy was really insecure and basically not a nice person. Your fiance is showing simlar behaviour patterns. I would be very worried if i was you .

 

This guy sounds nothing like a guy you should marry. I mean i think this guy is downright pathetic. I had a friend come over to visit me in India, in our culture we never let the girl pay , its just not polite . I took care of her from her lodging to her eating and everything and she is just a friend.

 

My GF never pays as i wont allow it. What i am trying to say is that if you love someone , money is NEVER the ISSue.

[stephie26]

I know I am really started to see a very selfish person here... Which, he was NEVER like before in the first year of our relationship.

 

He somewhat even admits his "changed" ways when I tell him how I feel, he will often say that because of my "looking out for myself" attitude, he has become that way too!

 

The only way I was looking out for myself was when I first got my job that I have now... I went from making NO contributions to having a budget and started to contribute to our household.

I told him that I would contribute in a fair manner, but I didn't want to contribute too much for what I could afford, or pay towards his mortgage because we weren't technically married yet. In Canada, common-law has no legal rights to the household upon separation, so I was just being smart and not "over contributing" and leaving myself with nothing if we were ever not working out and decided to part ways.

He told me my attitude was negative and I was being selfish.

 

I personally, feel man & woman these days need to be realistic and take precautions so that neither are taking advantage of the other and someone else's gain is another's loss..

 

He thinks my attitude is selfish and only looking out for myself..

[JadedStar]

If you are doing all these things he is asking for then he is acting like a princess because you are treating him like one.

 

I agree.

 

Respond by telling him things like "I worked all day, and I am very tired. I was hoping you would make us some dinner".

[stephie26]

I think what has him angry is that when I first got my full-time job, I was driving one of his cars and was on his insurance. So when I got my job, he asked if it was fair I paid him $600/month.. which would be $400/month like he would normally charge a "tennant" and the extra $200 would cover my car insurance/cost of driving HIS car.

 

I did this arrangement for about a year, until he was getting VERY controlling with his car... If we had an argument he would hide the car keys so I couldn't leave in "his" car and give me a hassle if I wanted to go out with a friend and harass me saying I would be "drinking alcohol driving his car".. Which, I didn't do! I would have 1-2 drinks all night, which I am allowed as I have my full license.

 

I got sick of his "rules" so I decided to be more independent. I bought my own car in my name, and switched on to my own car insurance policy. My car payments are $250/month and my insurance is $180/month being on my own policy.. Because my expenses went up, I had to lower what I contribute to the bills/utilities to $200/month.

He was ok with this at the time.

 

Now I think its coming back to bite me... He's VERY bitter about my independence.. And always says I am not a team player..

[stephie26]

I agree.

 

Respond by telling him things like "I worked all day, and I am very tired. I was hoping you would make us some dinner".

 

I pretty much do say that... I will respond with "honey I'm just tired.. and want to relax for a little while, I just got home"

[JadedStar]

Even tho he owns the house and mortgage, i would say you still should be contributing a fair amount to rent that should be similar to what you would pay if you were a tenant elsewhere. If you got a new car and have such expensive insurance (180 a month is OUTRAGEOUS) then he shouldn't really be expected to pay so much more for the household bills. That does not sound like a fair arrangement. One could argue that you could have gotten a much cheaper car used.

 

Two hundred a month is dirt cheap for household expenses. You will not find any place to rent and pay utilities for that price, so knowing this i could see why he might be bitter. And you say he isnt working but he must be paying the bills if you are only paying 200. Someone must be paying the difference.

 

Doesn't sound like he is bitter about your independence it sounds like he is bitter that you decided to cut down what you are contributing by such a large amount. I wouldn't say paying 200 a month for bills is being independent. That is still being very dependent on him becuase if you were renting elsewhere you could not decide to lower your bills just because you bought a new car and had insurance to pay.

[stephie26]

He chose my car for me.. He said it was a great value.. It's only an 05 Sunfire, but it had only 40K and was $6900.. He said if I didn't want it, he would buy it himself.

 

And my $180/month insurance there is NO way around that.. I called everywhere, that is just the price. I live in Ontario, no idea if we have higher insurance here, but I called absolutely everywhere, even my father called his insurance but no luck.

 

I agree 200/month is not a lot, but I only make $1900/month. My bills total at least $1000/month and that is not including gas, groceries, etc.

 

I pay $200/month towards utilities, but I also pay around $150-200 month on groceries, toliet paper, household items, etc.

 

I don't physically have enough money to pay anymore, which is why I am looking for a new job.